Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

We have a good, normal sex life, but I do completely relate to my desire for him being in short supply at times because I’ve lost some respect for him. Turns out, pedantically correcting your spouse’s speech or arguing with them over the definition of “a lot”isn’t sexy, who knew?

What I meant to say is that I relate to Hamsters’s comment about losing respect.

@ThisWayDown I too relate to @thehamsters comment about losing respect. My (now ex) partner has moved in to a separate room because of his thrashing legs. I realised later how much he stunk (the difference between the smel of my room and his). Thrashed bedsheets because of his restless legs and wouldn't trim his toenails. I'd try to initiate sex sometimes but was pushed away.. until the day I was looking for spare change in his drawer of his bedside table and found half a dozen pairs of crusty pants and socks. He said this was normal and I was being totally unreasonable with my reaction (mostly anger as my DD also goes there very occasionally to find loose change).

@Icantbelieveitsnotnutter ..
I left my ASD partner in May/June last year. I was a shell of myself.
My friends simply stopped inviting us out because he was such hard work; either animatedly dominating the conversation with boring topics (yes, trains, the West Wing), or staring moodily and angrily in to the distance because he didn't like "silly" conversations"

I tried so hard. Everything @Moffa and @Bluebellforest1 have described was exactly my situation. And then it started affecting my DD (he not her father)and I realised I had no choice to get out.
I have so much hatred towards him now and I am still trying to put the pieces together again. Sorry this is such a downer..

Midcenturylegs thanks for your honesty and info. My dh does the thrashing legs thing too! Also he hogs the quilt and tips the bed up with his dramatic fidgeting! Apparently I'm a moaner for not wanting to put up with it. Must must must buy a spare bed. He demands I sleep next to him- I believe my role in his head is a companion to him He's quite polite in conversation with others, I get most of the rudeness but he definiteky only listens to everyone's occasional word. Sorry asd people if you read this. It may be that some people are arses rather than just wired differently.
Dh likes to initiate a conversation and jump into another room mid sentence, expecting me to keep listening and briefly comment whilst he energetically does noisy jobs unnannounced!! Also, if he wants to know facts about me he fires quick questions at me without giving me chance to answer. I tease him calling him Jeremy Paxman, also Basil Fawlty too, when he's manic! This kind of stuff amuses me to be honest. I know it's totally unintentional, rather than the aforementioned stuff that can distress or anger me.

Midcentury, I too have been pushed away sexually. I quite bluntly announce that some other potential partner would probably want me! Sorry to hear it caused you such distress x

We still have sex about 2x a month. But he doesn’t understand that I don’t really want to just have sex without any other kind of emotional connection. I’d like him to take me out for dinner or drinks & make a bit of an effort. He just seems to decide when he wants sex and then expects it!

@midcenturylegs - I couldn’t help but laugh about the crusty pants! My H just tosses his on the floor and then likes to see them clean & back in his drawer.

My H is ok in company he likes but can look bored/uninterested if the conversation takes a fun turn! He likes to tell people about his job (yawn). He doesn’t like going to social events & is becoming more & more difficult about going.

It’s so hard to decide whether to stay or leave. Some days I’m definitely going, others I think it’s not so bad, we have a pretty good life. Life would be much tougher if I left. But would it be better? If only I had a crystal ball. I have also suggested counselling & he has refused. Does anyone know if I can get counselling on the NHS? I don’t really want to be dropping money on that while I’m trying to save up money in case I need to rent somewhere. My parents have said me & DC can move in with them but it’s not a long term solution.

It’s oddly reassuring to read all your posts & see I’m not actually going mad - these quirks are real!

I can give some insight into the thrashing legs and bedtime fidgeting. People on the spectrum don't produce the right amounts of sleep hormone at the correct time, creating disturbed and active sleep (this starts before we actually fall asleep because the brain is just a bitch sometimes tbh). I take Circadin and Pramipexole to help with sleep and the restless leg syndrome.

The starting a conversation and then moving away is something I am guilty of, sometimes it's because you just want to say something but don't really want a response, sometimes it's because it's a difficult conversation and sometimes it's just because you've said your part, now it's ok to move onto another thing on your list.

It's very difficult as an Aspie for me to remember the world does not exist in my head, the people around me are not mind readers and have their own thoughts and agendas and will not bend to my will just because I think my way is the best and only way to do things. I remind myself constantly that everything involving people involves thoughts and actions that are not my own but that doesn't make them less valid. That I and what I deem 'right' are not worth more or more important than what anyone else deems as 'right'. They're just different, but they are equal and that I need to be as considerate to them as I am to myself.

It's a hard lesson but one I'm glad to be learning. Luckily I come from a family of all neurotypes and none of them put up with any shit from anyone. You get a pass on somethings, like I can eat in my room or the kitchen, but then I am expected to come make small talk with everyone else for awhile before I can leave to my own space again, because they love me and while I know I love them, I need to make the effort for them to see it. We also have the NOT OK TIME OUT rule. Where anyone says something offensive or rude or callous by accident someone yells time out, explains why that wording is not ok, gives and example of how to rephrase it and then the conversation goes back to normal.

If your husband/wife/partner is being a crappy/abusive/rude/entitled one and then using autism as a get out of jail free card. You have every right to pull them on their behaviour and expect better. Aspies can be some of the worst types of gaslighters there are as we often cannot see a world that we're not at the center of, which makes your feelings 'less' to them. And there is no obligation for you to put up with any of that. Your and your children's happiness is worth more.

Learningyourselfworth thanks for that insight it sounds like you and your family are very well adjusted and you certainly have put so much effort into everything you do. How kind x

@LearningMySelfWorth
Thank you for your insight. Sounds like your family are amazing and very supportive. 👍👍👍👍

@LearningMySelfWorth - thanks for the info re sleep. Have copied that to pass on to DP. He has real trouble sleeping at night (insomnia and, probably, sleep apnoea to add to the mix): he drinks to help him sleep (which sometimes works) if he doesn't he has nightmares.

I was going to put a general post about this, but, actually, @LearningMySelfWorth, I'd love your thoughts on this. DP has a habit of being unintentionally cruel to me. I know he doesn't mean it and that it's all tied up with the aspie view that his was of looking at the world is the only way, so if the cruelty isn't meant I shouldn't take it that way, but it still hurts. Is there any way I can get through to him that, actually, it kills my self-esteem and, for once and for all, just stop?

Mainly, I'm talking about his mentions of other women. Take last week. He'd been away for a fortnight, so the evening we returned was lovely, had a really nice night with lots of sex. Two days later he spent the afternoon with his toxic friend, and spent the entire evening telling me about all the single women in the local vicinity he's not had sex with, and how he might have to pursue them. He'll tell me in a more sensitive moment that he means nothing by this but even so, I hate it when he brings the topic up. It absolutely kills me, being made out to be at the bottom of a very long list.

Is there any way of making him realise that, even with his reassurances, conversations like this make me feel like shite and to stop?

(On the other hand, I asked him if he'd had nightmares last night as he hadn't been drinking yesterday and he snapped at me for asking. He did, shortly after, qualify why, then offered to pick me up after work today instead of me walking home. So he can feel sorry, sometimes.)

@TimeIhadaNameChange, when he starts talking about other women, persuing or sleeping with them or listing them or whatever as soon as the topic starts, interrupt and stop him. Tell him they you neither care nor want too and that type of talk is hurtful and disrespectful to you and those other women. Just because he doesn't mean to be cruel, doesn't mean you have to take it, he is just as able to moderate his thoughts and what he shares as anyone else, even if this takes longer for him to learn. Aspies hate being interrupted so it shouldn't take long before he stops. We're also not great at apologising because that means we were wrong and that is a difficult thing for us to process, doesn't mean we shouldn't say it or make amends, and feelings generally can be very tricky, I won't know how to process something, it stresses me out, I yell or snap at people because I need the argument it causes for me to have the breakdown to find some release from the stress and then once that has happened I'm calm and happy and often oblivious to the fact that whoever I've argued or snapped at is not. Luckily I am getting a lot better at not doing this.

@LearningMySelfWorth, it sounds as though your family has some useful coping strategies, may I ask where you learned them? Did you have professional help or did someone in the family work them out?

One problem I have in trying to devise strategies with DH is that he hates and dreads conflict. If I try to pull him up for inconsiderate behaviour he reacts so badly I feel like an abuser. I end up walking on eggshells.

@LearningMySelfWorth - Thank you so very much for that reply. I do try and tell him to stop and he just carries on, but I'll be more forceful next time and walk away if I have to. He has told me in more sober moments that he brings them up because he knows it winds me up, but there is more behind it than just that, even if he doesn't acknowledge it, even to himself. I've said before that he won't accept we're in a relationship, which is a good thing in a way as it's the only way we've lasted so long, but, at the same time, he wants to be in a relationship so is always on the lookout, even when he's not.

Plus he's always been an oversharer. I remember when he was with his previous gf to me (but we were very good friends at the time) he'd tell me things about their relationship that I was pretty sure she'd not want me knowing. He often treats me as a male friend in that regard.

Maybe arguments would do him good. We rarely do, (twice in the 15+ years we've been together) but when we do it's about something serious. But, as you say, afterwards I'll be worrying about it for ages, and stressing that he hates me for what happened, whilst he'll have forgotten about it and is happy it's over.

As for the apologising, that's an interesting explanation, and if that sounds glib I don't mean it to. I can quite believe that being wrong is a hard thing for him to accept, as is the fact that he might have hurt me. I've realised for a while that he is more practical than emotional, hence the offer of the lift yesterday. Actually saying sorry (or thank you, for that matter) is too difficult, so he'll make amends instead.

Anyway, thanks ever so for your thoughts. They're really helpful.

@SalitaeDiscesa, my mum just came up with them as needed. When I was little and she realised that sharing was going to be a problem for me she taught me about compromising. Which was basically the strategy: First this, Then that. My middle sister has Oppositional Defiance Disorder so she just used strategies that she came up with parenting her and then added a few more as needed when I was little. It's hard that your husband can't deal with conflict, but he needs to understand how his behaviour is affecting you, and that you don't deserve or need to put up with it.

@TimeIhadaNameChange, no worries, hope they've helped

@LearningMySelfWorth your post above about walking away from conversations and thrashing legs is extremely helpful as a perspective, thank you

Would you mind explaining what you mean by your mother's strategy of "first this, then that" in terms of compromising? Because I would have thought that compromising would be along the lines of "if this, then that." This isn't a criticism - I'm trying to understand.

midcentury Ugh at the crusty pants. That is horrendous. I count myself very lucky that my DH is very competent at housework and does a lot of it, certainly more than me right now as I'm injured.

Interesting convo re sleep Learned and others. My DH is very different in this respect and I wonder if he's the mirror opposite ASD response -

He has no problems going to sleep, and can fall asleep very easily. He's a morning person and not a night owl like me. He's very rigid about bedtime. He has a set bedtime and as it approaches it's like he emotionally cuts out. He gets very outraged if things disrupt his sleep. He needs a lot of sleep and says (quite rightly) that sleep is so important. He can't function well without a good eight hours, and it's his priority. I'm not complaining about this btw. I am envious. Our mismatch in him being a morning person and me being a raving night owl is an issue but it's no one's fault.

Apologies for such a long post.

@Amicrazyornot, do you suspect or know that your DH is on the spectrum? Does he have similar traits to your eldest?

Sorry if I've missed it; have had a completely sleepless night 😱

First this, then that is like say I wanted to watch TV it would be first homework, then tv. If we went to the beach it was first walk, then play, if we go shopping I want to be in there as little as possible so mum uses it to break down what we’re doing, first post office, then bank then first bank, then Asda and so on rather than having a massive list of things before I get to do what I want and can leave. We always end on what I want to do because if we do it first then I’m done and it ensures my cooperation so I can do what I want.

@salitae - I strongly suspect as he has mentioned too. They have several similarities and once DS was diagnosed and we started implementing strategies, I found they worked for DH too. My FIL is also very similar to both of them.

No worries, it was a very long post. I just can't make sense of how I am feeling. And he can't send to understand how my feelings have changed - it seems illogical and impossible to him.

Learning thanks. That’s helpful. It’s sobeehat similar to what I do with my DD.

I am new on here and have read this thread with interest. I would really like to talk to women who have a partner/husband with Asperger’s syndrome? I am really struggling at the moment and finding difficulty in keeping my marriage together due to the feeling of so much rejection , neglect and emotional deprivation. I have tried the talking/explaining etc but nothing resonates with him. If I tell him how I’m feeling he tells me something about him. I told him yesterday that I am feeling more and more lonely to which he replied ‘ I just want a peaceful life’. Things are unbearable and I can honestly say that in 38 years I have tried absolutely everything to make my marriage work. I feel so empty and worn out with the effort I put into our relationship only to be ignored most of the time. I literally feel that I do not exist! That everything in the world is so much more important than me. He constantly tantrums like a child and barges off either to another room where he can stay there with his anger for hours and hours. On my birthday we had a small difference of opinion and he barged upstairs where he stayed for 16 hours! Did the same in Boxing Day. My confidence has gradually gone to the extent that I now have none at all. He is not a horrible person and believe me I have recognised his difficulties for years and years and attempted to help him with everything but he turns every situation around and denies he has anything wrong with him and the problem is all mine. He says I am horrible and mental. Sorry for the rant but could really do with talking to someone who understands x

Hi to all the newbies

@amicrazy can you go & stay with a relative/friend with kids for a few weeks to get your head straight?

@friendlygal you get a medal for 38 years! What do you want to do?

Things calm here at the moment. My focus is elsewhere but I’m still quietly getting ducks in a row in case I finally make my mind up!

to you all