Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

Hi Moffa, thank you. I could but am so entrenched here that I have no chutzpah left to do that...if that makes sense. I am a SAHM, no transport options and ASD DS. I should have got my ducks in a row beforehand but naively thought that I would get some kind of understanding from him.

Sorry I took so long to reply. He is my childrens step-dad not parent. He is diagnosed about 3 years ago. We live with him in the house he owns, he works and brings in an income and pays half for everything. He often does school runs, lets me go out a pursue anything I want whilst helping with the kids. 90% time he is great and no problem, then he act like a complete tool and gets upset by one little comment. He has helped me out a lot with my youngest and made my life easier (I had PND when I met him). He says he wants me to lose weight to be healthier which is true and I have said I want to lose the weight too, so I'm not sure if in his head he's helping me by giving me the incentive of a proposal to lose the weight. He had a hard upbringing with a violent parent so I think he needs to be reminded that you can't just shout at people all the time to get them to behave in a certain way. He cooks, cleans and generally keeps things in order as it's not my strong point. He suffers with chronic pain so I don't think that helps with him getting in a mood too. Last night I had a little cry about struggling to keep on top of drying out clothes (2 bed flat) so he cuddled me and ordered a dryer for me to make my life easier. He does have a heart just sometimes hard to find. I don't think it helps that he is only a year out the army and has PTSD.

@Italiangreyhound I think I answered everything above. I'm not trying to make excuses for his behaviour as I know it's not right at times and I am so confused.

marieneedsaholiday that certainly seems more balanced.

It doesn't explain the pressure on you to get a better job. Is the pressure re a house because you will buy somewhere for you all to live or somewhere for you to live with kids, without him, so you do not need to all live together?

I would just say if he is suffering with PTSD he needs to seek help and get it.

I am sure he does have a heart.

I'm in awe of @friendlygal79 persevering for 38 years 💐

Do you mean you'd like a face to face talk, @friendlygal79? I could try to organise a meet-up. I'm in the SE.

I'm benefiting hugely from Relate. It helps having a neutral but supportive person there. We can discuss things without either him shutting down or me being overwhelmed with distress. He can't dismiss what I say or how I feel because the therapist brings him back to it.
The discussion, and knowing more about his disabilities, helps to take the sting out of some of his hurtful behaviour.

Sorry for bolding error

I’d love a meet up. I’m in London.

Hope everyone is ok. I am barely getting through the days. I have made the appt for counselling but whilst doing the forms (having to help OH) I see that he has already emailed relate with a query (cursory look over his shoulder to confirm a date) yesterday morning. I just intrinsically know he is trying to grab hold and control the situation. He said as much the previous evening that I would 'ambush' him. I just feel as if he is trying to control it all and ensure I am going to be ganged up on, so his opinion is the only one heard and I am terrified to be told my feelings are irrational and be dismissed again.

Ami keep an eye on it. This sounds more like controlling/abusing behaviour than ASD.
A good counsellor should see that for what it is.

@Italiangreyhound This is to find a house for us big enough to expand our family and all live together. I had an interview a couple of weeks ago and just before I went he text me telling me it didn't matter if I got it or not and I need to think of me. I think he has a lot of anxiety about money and what he should be doing next in life and he sometimes pushes that on me. Things have been a lot better this week and communication has got better. He is getting help for PTSD but he's been told he cant really be cured as he can't forget anything.

He's still playing his games late, but does seem to be making an effort to be quiet. It does feel interaction is very much on his terms though.

Amicrazyornot you are right to be worried if he is already trying to control things before the counselling session has even began!

"I just feel as if he is trying to control it all and ensure I am going to be ganged up on, so his opinion is the only one heard and I am terrified to be told my feelings are irrational and be dismissed again."

You know the session is for both of you, you and your husband. The counselor is someone you are hiring to do a job for you. Presumably you are paying him or her, or someone else is, to do this job on behalf of both of you. If you feel the counselor is being unfair you can say so, give your reasons for this, and ultimately not engage if you do not wish to.

I've had a lot of counselling (for OCD) and my dh and I have had some counselling due to fertility issues, normally the counselor is very good and it's worked well. If this isn't working well for any reason you can always voice your concerns.

Good luck.

marieneedsaholiday "He is getting help for PTSD but he's been told he cant really be cured as he can't forget anything." I wonder who told him that. It sounds a bit defeatists.

"He's still playing his games late, but does seem to be making an effort to be quiet. It does feel interaction is very much on his terms though." I guess it is up to you how much you are prepared to put up with. It sounds like you want to defend him and make excuses, and I get that. My dh is not perfect but I would probably defend him to the hilt. I'll leave it there because I really do not know him, of course, but I expect the wonderful women here may have some good advice.

The only thing I would say is to keep a journal of the good and bad times so you can spot patterns of behavior and what works for making things better.

Thank you - I am very grateful for your responses. I asked him today and he says it was seeking counselling and assessment for ASD as if this is the case, he doesn't feel that a relate counsellor will understand him.
In my head I know that the counsellor should remain impartial, but there's part of me that is so conditioned to believe that the problem is with me, my behaviour needs to adapt, and I minimise myself so much that I am still believing that they will say what I'm feeling is not true and to suck it up.
I have to just put my little boundaries up inside and try and protect this little bit of me that is left.

@marieneedsaholiday I have made notes of everything that's happening plus keeping screen shots of texts that are rude. He opens up at times and can be so warm and loving. Like I said it is good 90% but then the other 10% is horrible and I want to leave. I am prepared that it might not work and I am prepared to leave him if that's the case. For now we have a lot booked in like holidays etc for the next 6 months, but I am not planning anything else in for now. It doesn't help that as I have BPD I do misread situations and doubt if I am seeing things for what they actually are and if I am being unreasonable. I struggle to see what is aspergers and can't be changed and what is being a dick. Are communication has improved and he does know I will leave if I feel I need to (he keeps having nightmares I will leave and getting upset). I left my ex husband and no one knew or expected it, including him after many months of it building up. He knows all about this and knows I am more than capable of doing that again if I am unhappy.

@marieneedsaholiday I’m guessing you meant to tag Italian and not yourself in there!

Tbh with you, given his ASD, PTSD, your BPD, how you. Not think he’s great with your DC st times, and the fact that you got with him not that long after splitting from your ex presumably and when your youngest was v little ... it’s a helluva lot in the mix. Very difficult to answer your question of what’s down to ASD; my own layperson opinion is that most of the issues aren’t ... But have you read the thread and the previous ones? Do you relate to specifics people have said about their DH/DP?

@ThisWayDown Yes I do relate a lot to what people have said in the previous posts. He very much masked his behaviour until I moved in with him. I still do see a fair amount of the lovely things he did when we first met but also see some bad. Me and my ex husband broke up when youngest was a few months and I met my current boyfriend when he was 2, he's now almost 4. He has bonded well with my youngest child and they do a lot together. He is starting to bond with my oldest and has been making an effort to join in on shared interests.

I guess it depends on what you mean by “masking”, whether he was masking in the ASD sense or masking abusive, controlling behaviour.

The more it goes, the more I'm thinking that having ASD isn't a reason good enough to be treated badly.
If you remove the ASD out of the equation, or any other issue such as PTSD etc... would that behaviour be acceptable to you? Woyldtou think it's ok for anyone to treat a very friend, your sister, your daughter that way?
If it's not, then I think it's unacceptable. Living with someone with PTSD or ASD doesn't mean you have also signed up to be a martyr and to endure hard times too. Some compassion doesn't go amiss. But compassion and accepting anything and everything, having your boundaries walked over etc.... are not the same.

I agree Queenie with the proviso that some slack is cut for ASD, e.g. how the person with it may have good intentions but their delivery may be somewhat lacking.

I've done some thinking the last week and something has clicked into place for me. I feel I've got a better understanding of my worth and also what I will and won't put up with, and how to calmly exert myself.

I think we all need to know our ‘worth’ and not not keep ‘putting up’ with his weird little ways! And that’s why things are so bad for me atm. I will not be spoken to with disrespect or ignored. After this has happened he would like to continue as normal but I cannot do this. This makes things difficult because I would like to speak to him about what he had done or said was hurtful but he is unable to engage in any emotional chat! I understand that when we eventually attend counselling, we are already concerned that our feelings could be minimised or dismissed totally as we constantly feel like this in our relationships don’t we?

I don’t think like this anymore ThisWay. Probably because, for ME, it lead me to accept too much on the ground that he didn’t mean to be hurtful etc...
Except that I was still getting hurt....

I now believe that some stuff you can be cutting some slack because these are manageable for you.
But Being lenient shouldn’t come at a cost to you iyswim. So if it’s not manageable or too hurtful, then you shouldn’t accept it because it’s ASD.

It probably comes down to ‘if you are unhappy, then leave’ regardless if the reason you are unhappy is a disability.

Those last few comments are so true.
I had a few wobbles today as if ones doing the right thing, maybe he didn't understand. But I have no self worth, because I'm minimised (intentionally or not) and that in itself, is surely not ok.

Queenie sure. I’m talking about instances where I don’t feel hurt, or rather since I understand his thought process now, I don’t feel hurt by something that I may used to. Just like in the sane way I wouldn’t by a friend if I knew they weren’t expressing themselves well.

But things that DO hurt me - well yeah that’s a line in the sand.