@madaboutwands
That’s fair enough, I understand you wanting to talk about this but some of the advice on here made me want to curl up and die inside. Lots of it is just plain wrong.
I’m not a monster or a bad person or someone that posters should run away from a relationship with, just because I have ASD.
The one thing you can NOT do is to tell peole to not talk about their hurt because it makes you uncomfortable/you find it hurtful.
^Yes. I completely agree with this. So why am I being told not to talk about my hurt at being unfairly generalised in this way? What if my DP read this thread and took it for gospel? That we’re “just that way” and nothing can be changed so why try to work at anything?
The part of your post that made me saddest of all was the expectation that you can’t talk to people with ASD about their ASD or ask them questions.
If you can’t ask questions, if you can’t talk, then how can you have a relationship with that person?
It’s just as important (maybe even more so?) for people with ASD to talk about their relationship, their feelings and find ways to express themselves.
Just like many NT’s find certain topics difficult, we do too but finding a way to talk round these things is vital. Asking questions, demanding answers and making threats in lieu of demonstrated feelings is not the way to go, though. It’s more about finding ways in or talking about it in a way that interests your partner and suits you. If an NT couple had an argument and one partner came in with interrogations, accusations or constantly demanding reassurance, then that wouldn’t be an acceptable way to deal with it. Same with us - find a way to talk that suits both partners and lay out what’s needed, discuss and find a compromise that works for you both.
Yes, we can be very literal but that’s not always a bad thing. Ask the right questions in the right way and the likelihood is that you’ll get a verbal instruction manual about what’s happening in our heads.
But also, if an ASD person is just refusing to do things that you need to feel secure and loved, then they need to expect that they’re not going to get the relationship they want and effort needs to come from both sides for the optimal result. Find a way to put it in a straightforward and logical way, then there’s no excuse for not engaging and finding a way to compromise.
Please don’t write us off by ignoring us or thinking you can’t ask us questions. We’re more “like” you than “not-like” you, we want to talk, we want love and affection like you. We just have a few extra hurdles in the way but in a partnership, you navigate these things together, as a team.