Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

@ThisWayDown, I'm going to. I'll continue to be his friend but I can see that it's not a good idea to get involved any further with him, especially as I've seen his parents dysfunctional relationship and don't want to replicate that for myself. It's a shame though because there are many autistic people who make great parents and partners, even with the difficulties that we face.

I'm so angry with him. He will say she asked and he told her, but it alls goes to the fact that he cannot empathise.

@bifflediffle OMG! No wonder she's upset!

I'd also be texting him - in fact, I'd email it. I'd write down exactly how what he's said has been interpreted and then shorten it to bullets. Something along the lines of:

• You said you wish you'd met your second wife first and had her children only
• Because of this your daughter believes you wish she wasn't alive.
• This is an awful thing that has happened
• You need to let her know - urgently and clearly - that you love and value her very much.
• Her mental health will be adversely affected otherwise.
• My suggestions would be XXX, but I leave it to you.

See, it's quite short when you remove all the expletives ;)

I'd validate her feelings and maybe say you don't know why he said that, because you know for a fact that he loves her. Unless you're not sure he does/has, because that could just make it worse. Are there any other relatives around who can make her feel special? Nothing will make up for what he's said, but a boost from elsewhere can at least make her feel appreciated and loved from another side...

at “quite short when you remove the expletives”

Great advice from Changer

I’d also give him a similar situation to imagine himself him to try and help fire up the old empathy. E.g. imagine if your father or daughter said the equivalent, you’d probably feel x wouldn’t you? I think what’s legitimate here is that people with ASD often can’t imagine how others would feel (ime) because it’s just too abstract. It has to be visceral or centred round them in some way.

I’d also tell your DD that your ex DH said that because it was a fleeting thought that went through his head with no filter, and once he’s made to think about it of course he’ll be horrified as it’s not what he meant at all. Then get your ex to follow this party line

@biffleddiffle - OMG indeed. I think thiswaydown and Changer have given some sound advice to help your DD and put your ex straight.

I can't believe any father would say that to their child, ASD or not!

I've been lurking a while. I struggle to see with my boyfriend what is aspie behaviour or what's being an ass. I have BPD so he has a way making me feel like I am the one who's not acting rationally, even though I spent a year in treatment and don't even meet the full criteria for BPD anymore.

I have two children and he seems to struggle to understand when he's over disciplining them, he thinks he's fair, but he's really not. He hates it if I question anything he says or don't agree with him. He will ghost me, threaten to break up with me and if I dare keep putting my opinion across he will block me! He stays up late every night and keeps me awake playing games or sitting on his phone in bed (I've asked for no games with headphones on talking to people past 11pm, but he just does as he pleases). He doesn't have to get up early and I do for work. He's told me I need to lose weight to be healthy which is true, but has now given me the incentive of if I lose so much weight he will propose to me! He's putting enormous pressure on me to find a new job which pays more money so we can buy a bigger house. This is all well and good, but I am working 30 hours a week because it's all I can manage with my mental health and two children of 3 and 6 years old.

marie When you say you’re not sure what is aspir behaviour, is your boyfriend diagnosed or are you trying to work whether he had it?

He sounds an A-grade arsehole. I don’t think this is ASD at all but frankly that’s irrelevant. Would be very unfair on your children to saddle them with a stepdad who repeatedly treats them too harshly and unfair on yourself when he clearly treats you too harshly.

If you lose weight he will propose to you? Asd or not this, along with all the others nitty things he does, is disgraceful behaviour. He sounds very controlling and manipulative indeed.

• shitty (not nitty)

marieneedsaholiday I am a lurker but I must de lurk to ask are they his kids or just your kids?

If they not his kids, why is he disciplining your kids? Unless you really trust him, IMHO, he should not be in charge of the kids or looking after them when you are not there. If you are there it is not his place to discipline them. Especially if he is heavy handed (metaphorically speaking or in any other way).

He sounds like he is gaslighting you about your mental health, which makes him monummentally untrustworthy.

Why is he not getting up for work? Does he work? Is he living from your income or his own private income? Why do you need to get a better job or house? Sorry so many questions but if he is your boyfriend it's none of his fucking business what job you gave or house you own.

Is this a partnership? If this is a partnership, what does he bring to the table?

He sounds fickle (might marry you, might not), lazy (might not work), uncaring about your feelings, pressurising you, (is he living withyou rent free?) and unaware that he is 'over disciplining' your children.

What does he bring to the relationship? In your shoes I would re-evaluate whether this is someone you want around you and the kids.

Aspergers or not he sounds like one giant pain in the arse!

@ marieneedsaholiday if you lose weight & he proposes then you get married. What happens if you put the weight back on?

And, why do YOU have to find another job, that pays more? Why the hell doesn't he work?

Hi all. As I said a few days ago on this thread, I believe dh has undiagnosed Aspergers and wondered if I could share my experiences with you all to put my mind at rest that I'm not going mad, try to understand him more, vent, everything else that goes with this??! I seem to remember some comments on previous posts that rang true with me.
Firstly, I am trying to cope with zero affection in our marriage. DH no longer feels sex, hugging, hand holding, etc is necessary. He is too quiet, reclusive and grumpy to possibly be having an affair. It still bloody hurts me though.
As I don't always stand his lack of compassion and anti social stance, witholding affection is his way of keeping me at arm's length as I shouldn't disagree with him in life! He admits to this.
Secondly, he wears angry expressions even though he's never actually aggressive. He's quite moody and negative, but unintimidating.
Repetitive ocd like behaviour such as doing the same chores, watching the same tv programmes from decades ago each day, like Groundhog Day. To be frank, it irritates me
Utterly hyper, fidgety, anxious. Loads if energy to burn. Even twitches in his sleep which wakes me up.
Still goes to the same GP's near his parents, 15 miles from our home even though it's not a brilliant practice and he relies on public transport to get there. All because he's always gone there!
Not concentrating on people's conversation details and feels people waffle too much and he instantly forgets everything, then asks you key details over and over again. He might have an undiagnosed condition but it appears rude. Repeats himself about his own interests over and over again.
Fascinated by trains, rail networks; photographs place signs. Obsesses over subjects and would win Mastermind on those subjects, but no common sense in other ways.
Walks fast and won't wait for you to catch up. Has his own schedule for past-times that shouldn't need such intense regimes, like he has his own internal stop clock and can't relax. Woe betide you if you don't keep up! He once pushed a glass of soda up into my face mid-drink to ensure I drank faster as he needed to shoot off out of a pub- we had nowhere to go afterwards, it was just his decided time to go. Naturally I bollocked him for his rudeness and passive aggression.
In fact I lose my patience daily with him, he's getting more and more unreasonable as we go on. We're both in our early forties and were like love birds when we met over a decade ago. He's always been "unusual" but much more grumpy of late. I've told him many times we will need to split up. He seems happy with his routine and shows no empathy when I cry or am ill. Anyone??
P.s. he has a lot of unique qualities, such as being very witty, clever, holds down a decent professional job and is reliable in many ways. He always checks I'm ok when I'm away from him. He's decent....just bloody frustrating. Our differences have caused a huge rift in our marriage.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter I could have written your post, although I’m nearly 20 years older. Can’t respond properly now as have guests. Will write more later

Thanks Bluebell, such a relief to know I'm not alone I hope your life has worked out for the best?

Yes I recognise a lot of this. Does he want to split up or stay together? Is he willing to do anything to help you to stay?
Out tonight so won't be able to answer for a while.

@Icantbelieveitsnotnutter wow, this is identical to my life too. I cringe when we go out socially as he often comes out with a clanger or two. Eg cutting people off practically mid sentence to talk about his topic of choice....

My DH def has Undiagnosed Aspergers and he's mostly accepting of this when we talk about it. I work in the field of asd so feel informed on the matter. I suggested he take the RAADS, online aspie test
www.aspietests.org/raads/
Which came back as showing over the threshold for an asd diagnosis. I would love for him to be formally diagnosed but would worry about the implications of that on his career and on other aspects like life insurance etc???
Also would probably have to pay for it.

However he has no motivation at all to do anything to adjust behaviours or learn better ways for us to communicate. When we were in Relate counselling recently the lady said about rating percentage of how good or bad our marriage / relationship is. I said I feel like it's around 80% bad and he said 30%. Interesting huh. He's not that unhappy as he doesn't really feel things deeply or with any complex or long lasting emotion. I do. I'm the polar opposite to him.

@icantbelieveitsnotnutter I could have written EVERYTHING you said. Late 30’s/early 40’s, together a decade. Thought I’d met my soul mate when I met him, now I feel utterly emotionally adrift. Do you have DC?

The other day he was making breakfast for the DC for the first time ever. Boiled eggs. Wanted me to get up from what I was doing to check the water was boiling enough. He can’t do anything out of routine without outside help & approval. Drives me mental.

But I know he is a decent man. I don’t want to look back on my life & wonder why I stayed but when he is nice I think I can cope in this life. This year is the one when I decide

Me too, @Moffa
But I said that last year too.

@Icantbeleieve Yes, yes to all of this. Its only been 5 years but this has to be the year I leave. He's away from tomorrow for a week, and I'm counting the hours until I can relax. You are not alone!

Oh crumbs! I had no idea anyone would relate to this, it makes me do sad. Dh is a good person but are we still compatible? I'm not sure. We have no dc, I'd like them but he would find it too stressful. I have some very difficult decisions to make as he's happy with his routine, bless him. Has anyone reached a happy compromise? Dh won't go to counsellors as he can't discuss emotions or personal issues with anyone.

@Icantbelieveitsnotnutter my DH initially said the same (wouldn't go to counselling) but after a few years of me saying we needed it / I needed it / our marriage needed it, he agreed.

There was also some possible emotional blackmail on my part (is it ? Who knows. More ultimatum/ expressions of sadness). I eventually said, unless he can come up with a better suggestion of how to improve our marriage I am presuming he doesn't want to make it better (doesn't care that I'm sad) in which case it's over. I can't be responsible for putting in all the effort to make it better. A marriage takes two lots of effort, not one. I also said to stop being a fucking baby as they're hardly going to yell at him or laugh at him. It's to help. If it doesn't help, we stop.

And the sessions really really helped. We only had about 6 but even having someone else say to him the things I was constantly saying to him, was immeasurably helpful. And to HEAR me. To acknowledge my sadness. To explain about the quiet bubbling resentment and what that can do to me, him and our marriage.

We need to go back. It's hard to juggle the DC and work etc. I can def recommend it though. Find a counsellor who has some e experience of asd in marriage.

We've also read the Aston books cover to cover. Although I appreciate she's not really qualified in anything, she writes so well and has a solid grasp of what an asd marriage is like, and some good suggestions of how it can improve.

Thank you SO much thehamsters, such wise words. I also say the same about counselling to him, it truly is a breath of fresh air to read so many similar experiences, not that I feel relieved for your struggles. Even if our marriage is doomed I still love him dearly and hope we can both be happy whatever happens. I think he secretly has depression so I'll try to goad him towards seeking professional help. I find he hates new ideas or suggestions but will eventually consider them after a long time of continual badgering! I always have to present the logical facts in various ways as to why something would work x

Sometimes I think I could cope with this better if we had any sort of love life and if he wasn't alcoholic, but I'm finding it impossible to manage all 3. Does anyone here still have a functioning sex-life with their partner? Sorry to be blunt!

My husband is def interested in/ wants to have sex and asks me every evening, like part of his bedtime routine.... but I have real issues with respect for him, as an adult, a partner, a lover, that I totally don't want it. Its such a parent-child relationship, it isn't sexy at all. I've even used this as a method to motivate him to make changes (as hideous as that sounds - I'll have sex with you, if you...) and been explicitly clear!