Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

Guess I'm just posting for a bit of a handhold.

There is so little support, especially if your child or partner are diagnosed as teens or adults :(

sofedup i can relate to this as dh is recently diagnosed and I'm pretty sure ds (7) is neurodiverse too (he's on the pathway to assessment). I've been following this thread since the start but don't post much as dh is mostly lovely, not really selfish and borderline abusive as some of the partners sound on here. He is self focussed definitely, and there is very little emotional connection which I struggle with.

I've realised the importance of respite and self care so do keep taking care of yourself and here's a handhold.

Sofedup- sending you a handhold & . That is a burden.

Hi everyone, it’s the last day of my holiday (fly tomorrow) and it’s been bliss. The kids are happy & relaxed and I am happy and relaxed. I’m dreading going home

However I have a plan. Ducks are lining up & I am going to do this. One month to go.

Hope you’re all ok. @amicrazy I’m so pleased you have a plan. You can do this

Good luck Moffa, it sounds like you have the mental strength to go to the next phase

Sorry misty & sofed that it’s so tough.

@box I often feel I'm mourning something I never had. Or a promise not fulfilled but not broken. Or that the closer I get the further away she seems.

I know daftas, I have been there for a long time too, except I thought I did have it for the first five years of our fifteen year marriage. Everything you write has always felt like something I could write word for word.

It is very hard indeed, of course there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me but only because I can't change anything enough to make it ok and I feel incredibly sad despite everything.

H thinks that he is going to go away for six months 'to allow him to work' and see DD as much as he possibly can. He also seems to think we might possibly have a future if he decides that he wants one because when he has gone I will reflect on my behaviour and I will change so that our problems disappear.

He is in complete denial about everything.

My plan is that after two months of no contact I will file for divorce. I feel pretty heartbroken right now because he is still around, I am hopeful that it will get easier when he has gone and I don't have to see him.

In hindsight the clues were there but I put everything down to her divorce, a bereavement, stress, pregnancy, PMS, PND you name it.

The last ten years have been tough, rreally tough. The more that is expected of her, the more she has retreated and difficult she has become.

About a year my SIL found an article on Demand Avoidance and it shook my world. It explained DW to a tee, but it also means that this it, especially as she will never likely accept any chance that she may be on the spectrum. This despite DS ASC and half her family being ND.

Can I accept this forever? I don't know, but I'll do what I have to reduce the pressure until the kids have left home.

Apologies for dodgy typing, predictive text has gone nuts.

Do you have any support irl daftas? How old are your kids?

I am fortunate that everyone who knows us, well or otherwise, can see what I am dealing with. Now I have started telling people they understand perfectly.

I am struggling a bit. I landed home with the shopping and H ran outside to see if I needed any help carrying it in/unpacking it. I asked why he even cared in view of the situation, in a week the locks will be changed - it is all so flipping fake, and it makes me doubt that it was ever real for him. He certainly operates on a very different level to me.

Place marking, glad I found you again

Hi @moffa & all,
Yes am doing OK. Saw the house today and it is unbelievable. Have had such amazing support from my family, I am completely overwhelmed.
Still negotiating access and how to broach with children what is happening but hoping to be out within next 10-14 days (will give me a chance to properly sort through things at home and get set up too).
He is being very Jekyll and Hyde so am taking everything he says with a pinch of salt.
to you all x

H has a diagnosis as well as many traits, which have got worse with age, and especially worse since he became based at home, alone, with occasional trips to the institute he works for.

Hi Misty9, I’d be interested in chatting as I think my partner has traits but is also kind and quite flexible. I find most chats/forums are amongst people with a slightly bigger range or more severe problems which skews my thinking and perhaps makes me more anxious than I need to be. It would be great to talk about the little annoying things that affect connection.

@Midthirtiesgirl sure, happy to chat if you want to pm me? I've more or less made th3 decision to split - although it's been going round in my head for years - and it's the lack of connection which is my main reason. I need emotional connection and I've finally decided to give my own happiness equal footing with that of my dh and dc. It's hard

Hi- earlier today I started a thread which I will try to link to. It is about my husbands relationship with another woman which is focused on their obsessive hobby
As I said in the thread the woman is, I am certain, on the spectrum. What I didn’t say is that I strongly suspect that my husband is too- though with him you would probably not think so unless you knew him well.
I have had some replies to my thread saying he must be a real knob. Actually I don’t think he is at heart although he can be very difficult
I would be grateful if people on this thread could read my previous thread and let me know if
a. his behaviour does indeed sound like someone on the spectrum
b. How they would view this friendship and would they think limited communication would be more realistic than totally vetoing it at this stage
Thanks!

Sorry I can’t seem so do a link
The thread I am referring to is titled-
Should I accept him being friendly with this woman in the light of their history

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3518515-should-I-accept-him-being-friendly-with-this-woman-in-the-light-their-history

I think I have sussed it