Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

Yes I’m not sure it’s always helpful to think all the problems are due to undiagnosed Aspergers / ASD. I know that this forum is helpful for this very reason! And I’ve found it helpful, to know others are going through similar.

My DP will not get diagnosed and I haven’t asked him. However, since our son was diagnosed severe ASD, we’ve both acknowledged DP has ASD traits. Some of these are what attracted me too him in the first place. Other traits, like his controlling nature, and low emotional intelligence, it’s just been a relief to feel that I wasn’t going crazy. He presented as someone different, and then blamed me for the problems that arose.

Thanks - my DP would never seek a diagnosis- but after the events in the link he did say maybe he was autistic
However it was said during a sort of argument and he has never referred to it again

Re the woman he had the friendship with- he has admitted fault in the way the friendship was conducted but will never admit having a “ thing” about her although he was clearly obsessed by her for a short period
I think he denies this because he says he finds her very unattractive- so how could he have a thing for her. Personally I think the attraction was based on their joint obsession with the hobby - he felt only she understood him and was interested in him

Well after my previous posts, we had a huge row last night, and I told him (again, for the umpteenth time) I couldn't cope with managing both him and adult DD as AT people in a NT world any more, because they are not even trying anymore to be kind to me ( but can mask in college/work/hobbies etc!) and he, at least, needed to recognise that if I tell him he is behaving in an AT way which is causing problems to me OR others, then he needs to listen and modify his behaviour if I tell him so.
And if he can't, our 40 year marriage is over as I just can't do it any more. I'm at the end of it all after 40 years of doing this.
He is much more hf than DD, no diagnosis for him as it wasn't done back then, and he's been successful throughout his academic based working life, thanks to me being the support network for 40 years and sacrificing my (equally as good if not better academic) prospects to support him then look after DD full time through all the troubles etc while he climbed the academic career ladder.
(although the psych who diagnosed DD as an adult said to him he might consider that he was also hf, and in private to me said it was obvious he was) and he is usually able, eventually after about 24-48 hours, to recognise when he's being unreasonable, so we shall see. But I've had enough and I can and shall leave if things do not improve. I've got funds of my own and i'm not spending the rest of my life ( am 60, so who knows how long?) living like this.
But it is heartbreaking, as I do love him and we've been married for 40 years.

Hi everyone, hope you’re all ok

The thing that so many people mention is how crazy/invisible/dead they feel - and I think that’s what makes us eventually start searching for answers & find this forum.

I’m back from holiday and H is away working tonight so that was good timing although I’m dreading seeing him again. I know I am going to leave but I don’t know the best way of letting him know that it’s over. It’s so hard as he will wonder what he’s done wrong as he can’t see his behaviour through different eyes and I do love him in a way (not how I did when we married) and I don’t want to hurt him but I will hate myself if I stay.

Any advice/info/tips from people who are leaving or who have left is most welcome. Right now I’m planning to pack & leave with DC and leave a note. I know it sounds brutal but I think it will probably be better than long circular discussions where he makes promises he is mentally & physically unable to keep.

The idea of another relationship petrifies me, I just want to be with my DC, protecting them and being happy.

Amicrazy - everything crossed for you.

Island - I haven’t read your thread but will do.

Pina - hope you’re ok.

to you all x

Forgot to say - I’ve got my first psychotherapy session tomorrow. The initial one is a phone assessment. I’ve had to fill in a questionnaire. Will keep you posted!

Hi @Pina, the controlling traits absolutely resonates. In particular DW tends to be highly passive aggressive.

Hi @daftasabroom yes! DP is highly passive aggressive. The very thing he often accuses me of.

At its worst form, he decided one Christmas that I’d done a terrible thing by going away for the night and taking our baby son. He punished me basically, by having a great Christmas day, very intimate and loving with me, then when I’d gone to my families on Boxing Day, going on a online dating website and chatting to other women. It all came out and when I confronted him, he said ‘because I was controlling by taking our son away for a night after an argument before chrismtas’

I still find that inicdent quite chilling. He didn’t see that I might have needed to get a break, that going away for a night wasn’t an attack, that I was sad and hurt. I still can’t understand how he could be so ruthless.

We’d had an argument, and I just went away to a friends to get some space. The argument was about the fact that he gets quite stressed when we were out as a couple, and would get grumpy. He was used to feeling single, and could not adjust well, and used to flirt with female friends whilst with me in a way that made me feel insecure and rubbish. He was aware, and said he’d understood. Then right before Christmas just announced, despite refusing to go out with me for over 2 months, that he was off to see female friends.

At other times, he has withdrawn affection for long periods. He’s stayed perfectly civil, but noticeably cold. This is usually because I have asked him for something, or expressed an opinion that he doesn’t like. I can be moody, I think we all have less than attractive traits! But I try and express what is wrong, try and talk to solve it, and try and get over my moodiness. DP, however, can just totally switch off affection for weeks. Or get to me by omitting things, such as pretending I don’t exist to others, then when I meet them they don’t know who I am, or not acknowledging birthdays.

Pina - at other times, he has withdrawn affection for long periods. He’s stayed perfectly civil, but noticeably cold.

I knew that my marriage was dead and buried when H extended this and moved into the spare bedroom in a strop in September.

The strop came when DD(12) was really poorly with tonsillitis and came into our bed one night, after I was asleep but before he came to bed. I was woken up by him swearing but chose to ignore him. DD had been to the doctors every day for a week because our GP was so worried about her and been sent to hospital a few days earlier. She was really ill.

The next day I explained DD obviously felt she needed to sleep with me because she felt so ill and that his reaction was problematic. He never came back into what was our bedroom. I told him that his actions were a nail in the coffin of our marriage.

They were a nail because he withheld affection periodically and he is so stubborn (and will go to his deathbed proving a point) that I couldn't see a way back.

Anyway, he will be gone for good next week, the only reason he is still around is because he hasn't got broadband sorted at his new rental property yet and he needs it for work but he is being incredibly spiteful (and petty about possessions).

Moffa, I think you might find it slightly easier as you are the one leaving (not that this is going to be easy for anyone). I am sat here waiting for H to go, he has drawn it out for so long.

One of my friends left a note when she left her abusive husband and it worked OK for her. You know what you are dealing with. I can say that once you are away from him things will definitely be lighter. I have experienced that this week. I have made sure I walk four miles a day in the sunshine with DD and just getting away from the house is joyous.

H is being petty about what he is taking or not - I have pointed out to him that I have bought the niceties he is insisting on taking half of and that people don't normally raid the family home of trinkets and ornaments lovingly collected by someone else.

He has a huge coffee shop habit, probably spends at least £200 a month on coffee, sandwiches, lunches out on his own because he works from home.

I think it is a complete waste of money, but I do buy something nice for me/the house most months. Something made by a local artisan, ceramic, painting, etching, etc., etc., - I might spend £100 or so - different priorities and now he wants to split up the pretty things and take half.

@Pina, that's plain spiteful.
@Box, pettiness yes, but I think the stubbornness comes from an inability to someone else's point of view.

The whole thing with possessions though is just bonkers. DW gets insanely attached to anything, and cannot bring herself to sort or tidy, let alone get rid of anything. We have old magazines going back years she refuses to get rid of because she hasn't read them yet.

Daftas, same here, he has got hundreds of books, nothing special, many paperbacks from charity shops, that must go back 30 years. Many of them have not seen the light of day after our last three house moves, but he keeps hoarding (and moving) them.

Today I asked H what size bed he was buying. I then asked if he would like to take some bedding from the house and his answer was 'yes, I arrived in this marriage with some pillows, a duvet and a set of bedding and I would like to leave with the same'.

I asked because I was going to make sure he took the right size of stuff with him because he is fairly helpless at that sort of thing but he viewed it as an attack.

Hi everyone,

I have a hoarder too! He keeps books, newspapers, magazines. I just bin & sort stuff for charity.

My first psychotherapy telephone session was today. It was more of a telephone assessment to see if I was suicidal etc (I’m not) then to allocate me to a division. They don’t have anyone who specialises in ASD affected spouses but I’ve been referred to the domestic abuse division and he is going to find out if anyone in that team has experience of OTRS etc. There is now a 4-6 week wait for the actual counselling. I said I was planning to leave my marriage but I felt I needed help in understanding everything that has happened during my marriage to provide me with some closure and understanding and also to free up my pent up emotion (find myself crying a lot at the moment). Anyway it’s a long process, which I was aware of but I just want to get started now.

Hope you’re all ok x

I don't agree with you at all, Haffiana . (sorry, can't find how to quite in bold what you say above.) Andrew Wakefield made false claims about MMR and told people it was a cause of autism; this has been debunked. Maxine Aston is coming at the issue of autism from the perspective of a therapist who has heard lots about the EXPERIENCES of a lot of partners (mainly women) of (mainly male) people with Asperger's. She is not pushing false facts in the way that Wakefield did.

You seem to be saying that you don't accept that our experiences are valid. Our experiences are just as valid as yours or those of any other person.

What I personally find very depressing is that Maxine Aston is one of the few therapists (in Britain at least) who has developed a special interest in this area; I have met too many health professionals (GPs, paediatricians, therapists) whose knowledge of ASD is woeful. People who say "X can't have Asperger's because if he did, he would not have got married", that kind of comment. Maxine Aston's work means that many of us on this thread feel less isolated than we would be otherwise.

GaudaofEda

There's a lot I could say but I'll keep it short: You are being very controlling. This is a thread that lots of people with Asperger partners are finding helpful. It is not for you to butt in and tell us to shut up, that we have got it all wrong, that we are persecuting you, that we should change the thread's title, etc.

We have a right to speak. I'm so sick of this kind of crap. The man who once told me on a thread that I should "fuck off" because "as the parent of a child with autism, you have no right to say anything." And so on. We have every right to speak and to converse and to share our experiences and we don't need your permission or anyone else's. Stop trying to bully.

@boxlike yes that was particularly spiteful of DP. Had to get that one off my chest! It’s strange though, it just comes as a shock that he can’t be that spiteful. I told friends who were just as shocked, and we all tried to excuse it, saying he was pressured at work etc. It is confusing behaviour because I will think the relationship is fine, we will truck along getting on better than most couples, and then something like that happens out of nowhere and I feel blindsided.

The incident with your daughter does resonate too. Do you think he just didn’t get how ill your daughter was? His thinking was just not with a proper perspective? DP has done similar, had a complete strop that I hadn’t asked him in the right way or some such nonsense, when I was dealing with DS screaming because he was unwell. DP just didn’t seem to get the situation. Very distraught child = we just put them first, dont we? Except our DPs seem to see, (very distraught child) I AM BEING ASKED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAT I DO NOT LIKE = passive aggressive strop. The very distraught child bit doesn’t seem to register at all. Not in a way most of us would. Yet their own discomfort registers very highly.

I think this is why I find it so difficult. I do believe my DP has no idea of the social impact to others on some of his strops. He’s not being malicious. He reacts over the top strongly to perceived demands or slights in his world. And the trouble is, some of his behaviour is then so extreme, like going on an online dating site or shouting at me while I’m soothing a distressed child - that this creates irreparable damage.

Pina - the Boxing Day thing is unreal, absolutely unreal. I would struggle to forgive that sort of behaviour. H has an ability to detach emotionally and it sounds like that was what he did, detach from you and your child and fuel his ego in a really hurtful act.

I don't know what prompted the thing with DD, he knew she was really unwell because he had had to carry her into the GP's surgery a few days before. The GP was really concerned about her, a 41 degree temperature and 140 heart rate for days and different drugs having nil effect.

There are lots of things when I look back. It really is like being married to Jekyll and Hyde and even though it is rightly coming to an end I feel a certain sadness, mainly that I cant give DD the loving family home I grew up with (but I guess she didn't have that anyway).

I am seeing a counsellor and she is absolutely fantastic. I can't get there for a couple of weeks due to school holidays and a school training day but I credit her with giving me strength at the minute.

I’m sorry about your DD, I hope that she is fully recovered. That must have been such a traumatic time for you, so scary. And at that point is when your DH withdrew affection, when you most needed it.

It is sad, I know that even though I’m still living in the same house as DP, I’ve been mourning the lack of that sense of family, of a happy bonded home. DP seems not to quite get this, he sees that we work well much of the time for our son and thinks he’s given his son and us a good family home. He doesn’t see that the stress on me has greatly affected my ability to function well, that our son doesn’t see his Dad for Christmas, and wonders why he’s not there at mums birthday. He will decide something in his own head, sometimes this is good, other times it is very faulty thinking, and then a switch will go just like that.

I hope that counseling helps. I’m concentrating on having as full and positive a life as I can and taking care of the family. I do whatever is best for us, minus DP who I just leave well alone now. I feel sad for him sometimes, he works very long hours, looks stressed a lot, has no friends. However we were all here, me and the kids, and potential friends, all the time. There are the holidays where our son first made his own friend, the Christmas lunches, the joyous times, all of which he decided not to be part of. And now he will have to live with that.

DD is fine thanks Pina.

I think it is so sad that we end up doing that - living our lives alone within a relationship to give our children a nice life. It really resonates and hurts to see it written down.

When DD went to secondary school (last year) we moved to within a ten - fifteen minute walk, we have got four bedrooms, guess what she never invites anyone back because H is like a dark cloud. I never invite anyone round because H is like a dark cloud. My lovely family don’t visit because H is like a dark cloud.

Not sure why I am grieving for the loss of a future vision really but it took a long time to give up hope, at least a decade.

You sound like you tried your best in difficult circumstances. I’m sorry your DH was like a dark cloud. My home is usually empty too, although I love having people around and so do my kids. DP is very personable, but it’s deceptive, he doesn’t like people around and gets very twitchy DSs friends think his step dad is strange, I’ve given up dinner parties as I got constant criticism ‘waste of money’ etc from DP and slowly people just stopped coming. Even though it’s a beautiful house, perfect for entertaining, but no one to share it with.

I’m sad most of us can’t work it out with our DPs. However we can’t pretend it’s okay when it isn’t, and the future is not going to improve. No one wants to create a family which is not happy. It’s the main pivotal point of our lives. I get you, it is a huge heartbreak to slowly realise we will never be able to have that warmth and security of a happy family unit. Not for us, or our children. I feel like I’ve let both my children down by not giving them this.

@Pina, @Mofa, @Box, from what I've read here none of you have let anyone down. We can all of us only play the cards we're dealt. For the most part I don't think our partners are bad people and of they could understand the damage they do they would be dddevastated. The trouble is that they aree bbblind to it.

Hang in there, you'll be good.

Grrr damn autofill

Thank you daftas. I don't think they are wholly bad either (although I am not sure H is devastated to be honest).

I come from a very close knit lovely family, no skeletons, everyone gets on and makes an effort with each other. H's non attendance at regular family events is so noticeable it is like it has been typed in bold with the caps lock on.

I wish I had left a few years ago before DD noticed it/saw that our normal was very different.

Box - my H is also a bit of a Jekyl and Hyde character but I still feel sad. Sad for me, sad for the kids, sad I can’t give them a childhood within a family unit. Sad for H too, for what he will miss. I’m glad your counsellor is good. I hope I get a good one. Like you, I’m also from a close family. Now I’ve totally opened up to them about the truth they are helping me. They always knew he was a grumpy bastard but didn’t realise the extent of it & the effect on me & my mental health.

Pina - I’m mourning the family unit too. But the reality is that we aren’t a happy family. I am a family with the DC. He graces us with his presence sometimes. It’s not a relationship.

Daft - thank you. Agree our partners are not bad people but we all need more. Well I do anyway. I want someone to hug me properly. Kiss me. To love & be loved.

My holiday did me good. I feel stronger. Hoping to see a solicitor soon.

Sending you all

Bloody hell I'm going round in circles in my head! I had decided to separate from dh as i feel my sense of self is slowly being eroded...but, the kids?! Could i coexist with dh despite his ASD so the kids have stability? Oh I don't know feel like I'm going mad sometimes.