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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

816 replies

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 29/12/2018 14:44

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

OP posts:
Peachy2019 · 03/02/2019 18:44

@thehamsters wish I had something helpful to offer other than we hear you and you’re not alone. Rant away. Flowers

I’m making baby step plans which is monumental for me. Trying to formulate tiny little exit plans that feel horrific in my head (means I’m giving up on him) but necessary after another weekend where his behaviour has felt borderline abusive. I figure if I start laying some plans, I don’t have to act on them straight away, but they are there for where I’ve finally, finally had enough. I do wonder what that tipping point will be as I seem to have had all my boundaries and deal breakers obliterated already.

thehamsters · 03/02/2019 21:10

Thanks so much. It's nice to have a reassuring word sometimes...!

I read other posts and I know it's an awful thing to think / totally wouldn't be the case in reality, but if I caught my husband with another woman / hooker etc, it'd be a relief as I could end our marriage then and there and not have all the worrying about, was it me being 'high maintenance'/ me choosing to disrupt the kids lives / cause all these problems with a divorce and then the inlaws wouldn't (totally) blame me! Which they would / will if it gets to that.

Peachy2019 · 03/02/2019 21:19

@thehamsters what my therapist is slowly trying to get into my head is that even if you ARE blamed for all those things it doesn’t matter at the end of the day - if you want to leave and life is utterly miserable, then that’s the only thing you need to be concerned about. So hard I know and I’m nowhere near truly believing that from years of not thinking my needs matter. What a refreshing concept tho....not giving one f* what anyone thinks and following your own happiness. Ahhhhhh.

thehamsters · 03/02/2019 21:24

@Peachy2019 wow yes that sounds amazing! What a weight off the shoulders hey! Smile
Will def keep that in mind actually - it's great advice and worth remembering on a daily basis.

thehamsters · 03/02/2019 21:38

https://optionb.org/build-resilience/advice/principles-of-parting?utmsource=facebook&utmmmedium=o&utmcampaign=edu

This is a good read. Interesting about the levels of separation.... from

Moffa · 03/02/2019 21:49

Agree Peachy - great advice from your counsellor. Hard to get into that head space though. Flowers

Moffa · 04/02/2019 08:23

Does anyone else’s partner need constant reminders about things? I can email H a full itinerary and go over it with him and then he’ll still be phoning me asking where he needs to be & what time?!

And he needs constant approval that things are right. Yesterday I cooked a roast. He took the meat out of the oven to check it but then asked me to check it. I also had to check that the water was boiling enough?!

Driving me crazy Confused

nowheretorunorhide · 04/02/2019 09:11

Anyone have any experience with breaking up with an aspie? Has anyone heard of them no accepting it? harassing you? or threating suicide?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/02/2019 09:26

Moffa - mine hates constant reminders (one of the few times I've had straight apology off him was after he blew up after I checked a time with him once too often). But he does need reassurance from me, even though he would deny it. It's as though I'm his comfort blanket. Whenever we go to parties together he might go and socialise to begin with, but invariably will end up by my side like a lost puppy, regardless of who we are with.

I almost feel guilty for saying that things this end are going really well. Then again, this comes after 4 or 5 years of things being ok to utterly shite, so it's sort of deserved. The problem is, I can't relax and enjoy it, as I'm scared things will go downhill again soon, but c'est la vie. He has said some really, really nice things lately, though. Things which have almost turned what I think he thinks upside down. Like the lost-puppy act, though, I suspect that, were I to repeat them to him in the cold light of day (and when he's sober) he'd deny saying any of it. Not that I don't think that at some level he doesn't mean it, but the thought that I know that much about his thoughts would freak him out. It's too close to things he doesn't want to think about, like the relationship between the pair of us.

flatpackbox · 04/02/2019 09:30

H doesn’t seem to be accepting it nowhere, and I mistakenly thought he had accepted it, last year!

Hence I am considering just filing for divorce with him in the house.

He is away with the fairies at times - came home with the details of a dog breeder last week, our own dog is old and probably won’t be here at the end of the year. I have absolutely no idea what makes him think that a puppy is a possibility 😳.

nowheretorunorhide · 04/02/2019 09:44

My biggest concern is that I have found out he has been done twice for harassment of ex partners and had failed suicide attempts. He has attempted to break in one ex partners home to take back an engagement ring. I'm worried if I leave I will get the same from him. I don't think he's mentally all there at times and have worries about mine and my children's safety if I left.

He also needs reassurance about everything, even though he gives off this bravado that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks. It's very sad now I see it.

PinaColada1 · 04/02/2019 11:14

@moffa and @peaches the fact that we know our DPs are very attractive to others and will find a young replacement straight away must add to our feelings of failure don’t you think? I know I do. People did not believe me at first when I had problems. All the women who ‘know’ DP think he’s and I quote ‘one of the good guys’. Sad

PinaColada1 · 04/02/2019 11:17

@nowhere that sounds a potentially very volatile situation that you are in. You sound like you are very aware and are taking steps to keep you and the kids safe. I hope you do keep safe until you have made the transition, which might take time. Flowers

PinaColada1 · 04/02/2019 11:23

@amicrazy and @moffa that is one of the most damaging sides of my relationship, that I have ceased to exist in his world. I am only alive and whole amongst ‘my people’.

His family don’t acknowledge my presence at all. They never visit when I’m at home. When we’ve been out on rare occasions, his work colleagues or past friends say hello to him, but eye me with confusion. He just doesn’t factor me in to his life and that’s how others see me.

nowheretorunorhide · 04/02/2019 11:42

Thank you @PinaColada1

It's a living hell and I'm just waiting for the next cycle of abuse to start from him. He blames everything on his Asperger's and the crazy thing is he doesn't reach enough criteria when assessed to get a full diagnosis. It's either blamed on that or PTSD, which again he doesn't have a full diagnosis for. He just can't take responsibility for anything he does and it drives me mad. He minimises my BPD like it's something I made up, whilst I've worked so hard having therapy to get better, but right now he seems to be making it worse. He's just not good for my mental health.

PinaColada1 · 04/02/2019 11:43

@thehamsters I’m really sorry you are having a hard time. Flowers there sounds like an empty space where your relationship should be. Is it definitely over do you think? Is there any way of getting any of your needs met? Do you think sexually you could find a way to connect better?

Not asking to make you feel bad, if you are done you are done. You don’t need to have a big reason. I had some very good reasons with DP but now I know when I leave I’ve been blamed by his family so much that to his people I’ll look bad. I don’t care. I know it’s too bad to stay. DP knows it in his heart too. He knows he’s not giving me what any relationship needs.

That provokes the worst behavior in him really, he cannot accept he’s responsible for much of it. And so puts me down rather than face himself.

He actually went to his own counseling ‘because of how angry he felt towards me’. Unfortunately it was useless and she just ‘helped him see he wasn’t listened to’. And like you said @peachy his behavior then became borderline abusive! Crikey, do counselors not have some ethical duty not to make things worse!

@timehas I’m very glad things are getting better for you. That’s fantastic. I hope that you can relax and enjoy it.

PinaColada1 · 04/02/2019 11:46

@nowhere no it does sound like a damaging environment for you and kids. Hope you can then move swiftly and safely. Do you have a plan? Any safety issues and I’d be contacting women’s aid from outside the house and someone else’s phone? And make sure you don’t leave accounts or passwords open. Bit worried about you.

Moffa · 06/02/2019 07:16

Hi everyone,

Hope you’re all okay.

I couldn’t sleep last night but I have made a decision.

I am going to divorce him on the grounds of domestic abuse. I read an article (linked to faaas website) about domestic abuse and suddenly realised I have endured years of it. I could give hundreds of examples based on the information given. Each little individual event doesn’t seem like much on its own but when it is daily it adds up to so much. I live with a ball of anxiety inside me. On Saturday I couldn’t sleep as I wondered if he might stab me to death in the night he was so angry.

I don’t think it’s intentional. I think it’s HFA combined with a very aggressive temper. But it is still the truth and it’s taken me years to see it.

Learning about Aspergers, OTRS & Cassandra Syndrome have been completely eye opening for me and I’m so grateful to this thread and to you all. We are lucky we get to share information this way. Just 20 years ago it would have been so different for us.

I am continuing to get my ducks in a row and somehow I need to get through 2 more months.

Flowers for all xx

SalitaeDiscesa · 06/02/2019 09:35

Sorry you've had such a dreadful night but glad to hear you've got some clarity.

If you're afraid for your safety, is there no way you can leave sooner? Or now?

nowheretorunorhide · 06/02/2019 10:42

@Moffa I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel like I am in a similar situation to you. My partner doesn't reach full criteria for a diagnosis, but it's close and I can see it, he is also very aggressive and is mentally abusing me, even if he doesn't realise it. I am also trying to leave, but I am scared because of him being done for harassment twice before of ex girlfriends. I know he'll threaten suicide and probably attempt it. I need to make sure me and the kids are safe before I leave and I can't break up with him living with him as I just can't predict how he'll behave. It's a very scary situation to be in. Womans aid have been a great support though, so please call them for a chat.

Moffa · 06/02/2019 10:45

Thank you Flowers

I think I’m going to do the freedom programme xx

Heatherheathers · 06/02/2019 10:48

Flowers moffa

ThisWayDown · 06/02/2019 13:01

Hello all, just checking in. Sorry to hear that things are so tough for several of you. Things are alright here, we've definitely turned a corner in how we communicate, it's like something has clicked into place for us as a couple finally. DH is certainly listening to me and working on how he says things much more, and emotionally disengaging far less. I think we had to get to a bad place, and I had to get very strong in understanding and expressing my needs and boundaries, in order for that to kick in. Our current therapy is definitely helping.

I'm going to take a break from this thread because the traits and issues I want to talk about feel minor in compared to the recent posts, and tbh I feel uncomfortable posting about ASD, potential or diagnosed, alongside accounts of classic symptoms of physical domestic violence like harassing ex girlfriends and fears for safety.

Must thank friendlygal though for her beautiful post about her lovely daughter, as someone who currently has a teen with autism and going through those challenging years, that is so lovely to hear!

Wishing you all peace. Flowers

PinaColada1 · 06/02/2019 19:18

Sounds hopeful @thiswaydown I’m pleased that there may be a way you can repair and hold onto the bond and attraction that you initially felt for your DH. He sounds as if he’s really trying. And you sound a lot stronger. Good luck. Flowers

YenZen · 08/02/2019 20:57

Hi, can anyone recommend a leaflet about Aspergers that I can print out to share with DH's family? I don't think they'll read a book

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