Ranting a bit sorry but just need to write to get off my chest as feeling the constant gnawing resentment and anger overflowing.... I'm so fed up. I resent that this marriage has gone on through my 'best years' , where the kids are young and I'm not an old bag (yet!). I should be loving every minute of life right now.
But I'm so empty inside. He is a child. There's no marriage or partnership there. I tell him what to do, he usually does it but sometimes doesn't, so I always have to check up that he's done it. He feels like he needs a pat on the back of "doing things". I have to remember everything and parent at all times and resolve disagreements between my kids and him.
I work and he works. So it's not like I have more time for this than him.
He's asked me almost every night for sex. For years. I say no almost every single time. (Not because I don't want sex. I just don't want sex with him). He doesn't look bothered but still asks, like it's part of the routine. He's never asked why I don't want it . He doesn't seem bothered to know / hasn't even occurred to him that there would be a reason probably. He's completely self centred. Even if he did ask why, and I talked about maybe trying to have less of a "parent-child" dynamic in our relationship / even if I gave him crystal clear strategies of how to "make it better", he wouldn't bother. He'd just carry on asking but change nothing in the meantime.
He is either elated and hysterically happy, or yelling in a rage. He can flit from either in the space of 5 min. He has no middle ground which is really shit when trying to parent the kids. They've no idea where they stand sometimes.
He's a good person, I think, under this all. He says, repeatedly, how much he loves me and the kids and this is all he's ever wanted. But I think it's just a narrative he tells himself. Like that's what he has learnt is good for a husband to say to his wife . He hugs me and kisses me and wants to snuggle up on the sofa. I can't remember the last time I ever voluntarily kissed him or initiated a cuddle. Literally can't remember . Years probably. How does he not notice that?!? He's never commented ? It's also never stopped him initiating it! I genuinely think he's oblivious because he's the centre of his own world and that means thinking about someone else's feelings etc. Involving some theory of mind.
We've been to counselling. He was interactive in the process but did not do ANY of the "homework" or initiate any work to make things better. I suspect just lazy/ doesn't see it as a real problem (because HEs ok...)
Or maybe it IS me?!? Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm expecting too much? Or I'm so fed up I'm now unable to see any way out of this!? Maybe I should just be content that he does jobs about the house and is usually nice to me.