Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

Another deletion? I didn’t see the post.

I didn’t see it either!

Pina Thank you. Yes my parents are on board. I’m gradually moving stuff over to there house slowly but he won’t notice as the house is my job! I am worried about his temper especially in front of DC as don’t want them to be frightened of him as he does love them in his own strange way.

I think he senses me being cold & indifferent as he suddenly requested a hug last night (in the kitchen) - first hug of the year!

I didn’t see it either! Gone!

Do you want to try reposting but taking bits out @friendly?

@moffa first hug! That’s hard. DP once left me a note saying that he missed me talking to him, when I disengaged. Seems like things are literally moving for you. That’s a big step! Good luck.

This is quite a personal question as I know everyone is different...but @moffa and @pina what are you planning to tell / have told the DC.
At the moment I am wanting to go with just saying that mum wants to live X and dad is going to live x and they will spend time with each of us. I am not really sure, as they are so young (under 7) that it is going to be right to go into the ins and outs.
I am happy to be told this is wrong, I just know there is no good way of doing it and keen to know how others have handled.

Hi amicrazy I’m interested in this too as I haven’t thought exactly how that will go. I was hoping I could ask at counselling. My DC are both under 5 so it’s really only DD who will understand the change. It also depends on how H wants to play it. If it goes like I expect he won’t play an active parenting role (he doesn’t now so don’t think that will change) so I’m just hoping they are young enough that they accept the change and don’t know any different.

Very happy to hear advice on this too though xx

I've begun a blog in secret about my life with my undiagnosed, suspected Aspergers Husband. Just 2 posts up to now, but I will be adding to it regularly.
aspergersinthedark.tumblr.com/post/182429543889/7-years-later

Rolacola that is great - your story is so similar to mine. I had been thinking about blogging about this experience (and moving forward) too.

I share the worry about co parenting apart BUT i read some of ‘Broken’ and I suspect my H will be like that (not want to parent) - that’s what I’m hoping anyway! He also has no sense of danger (for example I always have to tell him to turn the pan handles inwards or our toddlers could pull boiling water over themselves - then the next time he cooks there are the handles hanging out)

I’ll be following your journey xx

My oldest is aware that we are not secure as a couple. My youngest has ASD and isn’t able to understand many concepts like this. I’m in a strange position in that I’m not leaving the house, until eldest has finished school, and DP keeps promising he will, but doesn’t. So clear future plans are not posssible. My ASD kid would need a date and clarity.

However 2 years ago DP left, and went to live with family for several months. Youngest just took it in his stride, he prefers me putting him to bed anyway, which is the only time DP would see him in the week, often 10 minutes before bedtime. I told my oldest that we were breaking up, and he was also fine, I know that he wanted to know things like where would we live, when it would be. He’s not DPs son but we have lived with him for 10 years. I listened to him more than just spill out a pre rehearsed message. He was very concerned about friends and school, and is one of the main reasons I’ve stayed here. Now DP is back but we’ve talked again and I’ve said to eldest that we are not in a relationship, but that I’m not moving until he is going to college, and that we are friends for the meantime.

I’m very worried about co parenting with youngest with ASD. I think he will be fine with the break up, when it happens, and the move. I’m preparing him by spending time where we will live, and with family that will be there. I am most concerned about him being older, and DP basically taking him to his family at contact times, as this has already been a big problem. Ill cross that bridge when I get to it but I am not going to be facilitating this, I’ll do what’s best for the kids and me.

@amicrazy no I didn’t go into the ins and outs. They will have an idea already anyway. I responded to eldest and he did ask why, and I said that DP wasn’t able or willing to commit or fully work on our relationship. That the desire to be a couple wasn’t there anymore.

Thanks for reading @moffa. Have you told your partner you suspect asd? I told mine and he laughed as if I was crazy. Feel like I'm being disloyal by writing about him but hearing you respond that your DH is the same with danger etc makes me realise that finding other people in the same position is so supportive ♥️

Hi there. I read your post and again similar to mine! When I told him that I suspected AS he screamed at me that I was the. Crazy one and that I’ve probably got it!! It’s very strange how he thinks and like you the anger he shows over the slightest things is making me more and more disengaged fearful of his reaction when I challenge him him about his odd behaviour. Big hugs! Keep strong 😘😘😘

Hi everyone,

Yes @Rolacola I told him his mum had said he had Aspergers and he just laughed as if it was ridiculous. Sometimes I have just pointed it out and he gets so cross. I’m thinking of leaving some of the literature behind for him to find. I know if he read about it he would recognise himself. But he thinks he is superior and more intelligent than most people so he might not acknowledge it. It is very reassuring to have people in the same boat. I have started writing all my memories down ready to speak to a counsellor. I might put them on a blog at some stage but they are a bit raw for me at the moment (specific behaviour around my birthdays, Christmasses, towards my friends etc). I feel like now I’m not making excuses for him I’m seeing all these events through different eyes as I write about them. He has really hurt me.

@friendlygal I am literally just keeping the peace, running on caffeine and adrenaline here. Spending my time doing fun things with the DC. At the moment i feel like I hate him. I think this is part of my grieving process. Last night I watched an old episode of Cold Feet where Pete & Jenny are gazing in wonder at their newborn baby. I sat and cried as H never, ever delighted in our babies, never had a single day of paternity leave, never made me a cup of tea in bed. I came out of hospital full of stitches & love for my new baby and I had to cook and clean and carry on as normal. If anything wasn’t up to standard or got forgotten I was ‘lazy’ and ‘brainless’ I feel like I’m grieving for those never seen moments of love & tenderness.

Hope you’re all ok xx

I’m staying out of the house for as much time as I can!

How’s everyone doing?

Hi @moffa hope you are ok.
Much the same here - am hiding upstairs in evening so I don't get dragged into hour + long talking sessions about how I feel being wrong and how I am going to destroy DC lives.
I have stopped making big meals (that I didn't enjoy anyway), still in with DC at night but have prepped spare room. I have been applying for jobs / local housing etc. My parents have said I'm welcome there if it gets unbearable but they are about an hour away and would be so unsettling for DC (especially eldest with ASD).
Feels like the most unbearable, tiniest baby steps but I am being honest about my feelings for the first time in years and it is such a relief.
Sending to you all.
X

@Moffa Not good! Got some key life decisions to make and these are decisions related to him that he wants me to make which makes no sense. We are in this horrible horrible situation where we are dependent on his parents, and he wants to continue that dependency, and I don't want to. Frankly we don't need to, but he wants to work part time only, and rely on them. If money came from them with no strings attached, then maybe I should just count myself lucky, but it doesn't. They expect from him what they expect from their NT son, and are then utterly disappointed and throw tantrums when he doesn't. I am utterly utterly fed up.

Thanks for letting me rant :) How are you doing?

@Amicrazyornot That sounds really tough . May I ask, is your child with ASD a boy? And how is it? I ask because I have a DD who is NT and I am really really worried about having another child who may have Aspergers.

@moffa staying out of the house a lot too! But that’s not going down too well either. I can’t do right either way

@amocrazy yup not making meat & 2 veg here every night either. I’ve been making food I like. He asked if we are on a healthy eating regime last night Very glad to hear you feel relief now. Hope it continues.

@yenzen that sounds awful. Do you work? Do you want to stay? I’m guessing if you’re considering another baby you are staying for the time being. I have a DS who is 1. I’m looking for any signs of ASD but I’m not sure when they present. Apparently the first signs are limited eye contact, limited affection and possibly delayed speech/muteness. So far I haven’t noticed these but if he has ASD I’ll just get as much help as I can.

@peachy yes I’m supposed to stay in the house too. Just in case he needs to ask me where something is! He works from home (luckily he has a separate office building) but fortunately is obsessed with his work so is in his office from 5am to 7pm. Gets home just in time to say goodnight to the children which is enough parenting for him.

I’ve really lost my appetite (no bad thing) and feel like the adrenaline is pumping! X

Everyone I wish I could magically make your lives a bit better!

Update here is that H has not made any plans to leave at all. I emailed him (because he refuses to engage verbally about anything that matters) and he emailed back to the effect that he is sick of my questions, that if only I would stop having tantrums everything would be ok.

I just said that I am not prepared to live this way, that living this way is two lives wasted and I am not prepared to waste mine and that I have had enough. Of course I didn't mention that DD had told me he was looking at right move again last week.

He then proceeded to put a picture up in the room he works from.

I want him to leave, he has talked about places he is moving to and done nothing. I want him out of my home, life and off anything financial.

On the otherhand, he is enjoying the home I have created, the food I cook, and everything else I do. A colleague said 'stop cooking for him', but that isn't who I am, I am cooking anyway and DD is here, I don't want to be petty.

I need to think about how I deal with this, I want the smoothest transition possible for me and DD, I am wondering whether just to file for divorce, maybe he will take me seriously then.

I didn't see my counsellor this week as it was snowing heavily and she is 20 odd miles away further into the hills. I could have got there but couldn't be certain I would get back ok.

@pina Me too re the magic wand. I feel everyone’s pain and frustration here....ultimately it’s just very sad.

In moments of empathy I can see how me demanding we fix our relationship is so antagonistic for him - but equally me detaching and doing my own thing like he does, also means I’m the one destroying/ending us in his eyes. I’m worried that I’ll end up so miserable that leaving will involve me taking one bag of stuff and just walking away from everything else. Clean slate. I never wanted that but I can’t see how it can be amicable or having an adult conversation about logistics will even be possible.

@peachy - funnily enough that is how I feel at the moment - I would be happy to walk away with nothing, a fresh clean slate. I am dreading conversations about logistics just because he has to go into such detail, over and over again. Also I can see it is not going to be amicable straight away, but hope it will be later on (most likely when he has found someone else).
@moffa - yes small moments of relief. Not eating either as too stressed and "on edge". Not looking forward to the weekend as he is around more. Just keeping reminding myself this is not forever and life will be so much sweeter.

@flatpack I honestly don’t know how to do it. I got DP to leave however it was just living in his sisters box room so he came back! He’s promised to leave so many times but stalls. I sympathise with still doing stuff in the house. I tried being polite but utterly separate, it was just too much of a strain. The atmosphere being divided is very wearing. Although I only cook one night a week stuff DP likes. It’s a relief as I hate the plain regimented food! He just looks hungry and forlorn the other nights. Maybe filing for divorce is the only concrete way?

@peachy I am so familiar with what you wrote I could have written it too. I’ve detached. I had to, and we are over. Every time I go on holiday without him he takes it as a sign we are not in a relationship. He doesn’t want to come!

@moffa the appetite loss is a sign you that are taking action! It’s a scary time I imagine?

@amicrazy feel very sad about what you are going through, but the release for being honest finally must be freeing?

@yenzen sounds very tough, especially being dependent on his parents

Just picking up on something about what @amicrazy just says about when we’ve possibly moved on and they’ve potentially met someone else. Does anyone else think about this? I lie awake wondering if there is someone out there that could make him happy and make it all work. I think about how, and what she’d be like. (And if I let myself get too entrenched with that thinking...WHY can’t that person be me). Try abc push those thoughts away as I guess if it comes to that it will no longer be my business.