Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

Oh okay. Don't apologise, I'm the aspie not the partner so the style of writing here isn't likely to make as much sense to me as someone NT.

That makes more sense in context, I used to get told off for stuff like that as a child lol.

Peggy Bless your DC And my DH and my own DC would agree with her, and have said the very same thing, that asking what I’ve done wrong is being supportive. It was a bit of a revelation to me but understanding their intention has made a big difference to me. And means I can keep my calm and explain that I understand they’re trying to help but I’d appreciate it if they could preface it with stuff like “oh poor you” before saying I must be to blame.

I agree with Seline that on the face of it, not correcting an adult unless it’s an emergency is dubious advice. But having a teenage ASD child who does correct adults and other children, I can see why the book says that. It’s tricky. Because sometimes my dc’s corrections are actually them not understanding, or being pedantic over words and not taking in the full message.

My line when it comes to my DC (and DH) correcting me and others is to tell them not interrupt but wait until the person has finished, so they don’t interrupt flow and get the full context and message. Many times when they think someone is wrong, it’s a case if both the other person and them being right. This is a concept both my DC & DH struggle to understand - his two people can both be right.

Ah x posts with you both while I was typing my long post. Yes that’s the context I was kind of getting at!

My DC1 corrects her teachers. Some really appreciate this, others don’t My advice is for her to write down her correction so she doesn’t forget and has a physical action to do which makes her feel like she is addressing it, and then privately make it to the teacher at the end of the lesson.

Meant to add @PeggyIsInTheNarrative - thanks so much for the book recommendation, I’ll be getting that one!

@Moffa I know what you mean about the realisation that someone close - also MIL in my case - has suffered and been misunderstood. She's still alive and I cannot figure out if she has Aspergers herself, in a female presentation, or whether she's so adapted to FIL (who has it very classically), as anybody living with him has to, that after 45 years, nobody can tell.

And it also fills me with a deep horror, because how your MIL was viewed is exactly what's happened to me. And I've been told by people that I come across as an uptight bitch towards DH. That's because in public he's good at 'playing' the 'good husband'. Like he knows what he should do to express his feelings in that place and/or is willing to invest the energy in it. And I can see that it does take energy from him. However, what they don't know is that time, for example, he tried to kiss me on the lips, was the first time in a year that he'd done that. I was in shock. Or that when I recoiled from him when he touched my 8-month pregnant belly, it was because it was the second time in the entire pregnancy he'd touched me - literally (no hugs, no massages despite considerable pain etc). And I was really angry with him then for doing it in a showy way in front of his friends. Couldn't he have done it when it was just the two of us?

But nobody sees that. They just see the surface. Which is normal. I've tried to hide being upset with him when things like above happen, but I've clearly not been successful!!

Changer I understand and I think the same. My mum has said I can be ‘irritable’ with H. I’m sure my MIL had absorbed the traits - she used to correct my grammar and things. My FIL played the good guy but in reality he didn’t care for her at all through 18 rounds of chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

I printed off a lot of the ASD/NT studies you posted. I went through them with a highlighter and then added real life examples from my life. Currently sitting with 6 pages of scribbled notes and realising how sad I have been for so long and how nobody really knows because classically, I have hidden it, made excuses, minimised his anti-social behaviour for so long.

So as you know I am making my exit plan. Early April as he is away at a wedding abroad. He won’t come on family holidays but believes he should attend friends weddings & funerals. The irony that he won’t make any plans to see friends other than those two life events is lost on him. I refused to go to the wedding as it is very expensive, long haul & no kids allowed. I don’t want to be away from the children and I feel at this life stage we should prioritise our finances on making memories for our children. For context I took the children to Disney Paris on my own last year. He refused to join us.

The reason I am making the notes is because I wanted to organise my thoughts pre-counselling so I can get the most out of the sessions but it’s been cathartic for me to really see it in black and white.

My H is undiagnosed (like many over 35’s are) but fits EVERY criteria. I hope he will get a diagnosis as otherwise he is just emotionally neglectful, abusive, anti social & rude.

I’m nervous about him being difficult. I don’t care about money but I want the kids. I think he will want to kick me where it hurts.

Hope everyone is doing okay xxx

PS When I read the Asperger/NT research my heart races. It’s like all the suppressed emotion converts in to adrenaline! I might have a heart attack at this rate!

Moffa

Your post has make me wonder if you realising that you no longer share the same values/goals/priorities is enough of a reason to leave? It is why lots of marriages come to an end.

I think it’s really hard after years of accommodating/minimising/supporting to turn that on it’s head and say I’ve had enough of this and I don’t want to carry on like this. It would be a shock to other people but then lots of relationship break ups are a shock to others.

Wowsers, I've just discovered and skim read this thread (I mostly lurk and occasionally post elsewhere on MN). My DP was diagnosed with ASD a few months ago, a year after our eldest DC was diagnosed.

After DP's diagnosis so many things fell into place: his sensory issues, his inability to understand simple concerns or instructions, his anxieties, his inability to plan, his hatred of plans changing, the failure of counselling...you know the kind of thing.

We have come very close to separating in the last few years. The stress of parenting a child with ASD has taken our relationship to its limits.

I'm not sure what the future holds.I am taking one day at the time. We have lost alot of the intimacy we once had. But he is a good companion in some ways and although he struggles with parenting he is improving and has ok relationships with our children.

I expect I'll dip in and out of this thread. It's awesome to know I'm not alone. I never talk to anyone about any of this.

He won’t come on family holidays but believes he should attend friends weddings & funerals. snap! Sounds like you are making practical plans but also processing a lot emotionally @moffa

@changer that is so sad for you, that he displayed affection in public because he presumably wanted to be seen as a good man, but neglected you in private. I either look like I’m really into DP (several acquaintances have commented that I must really like DP - and are shocked when I reveal that we have a child/live together). Or that I’m very controlling - I’ve been blamed by others for not letting him go out or have friends - as if I could control him! He just dropped them I imagine as when he moved in with me he had no further use for them.

Feeling a bit sad this today, even though I should know better. DP was super affectionate yesterday, he said he was lonely, needed a hug, that I was wonderful etc. However today he is as distant as the horizon again, and avoided any conversation or contact. I get pulled back emotionally too easily, yet I’m so used to this that I just got on with doing stuff with my son, alone, looking at other families out together and wanting my life to be better than this.

Hugs Pina. That now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t kind of emotional intimacy is a killer. Inconsistent, unreliable, unsafe ... Happy couples don’t work like that.

I’m processing a lot about my relationship at the moment too, and realising that some things that used to upset me really have got better and that DH has adapted, as have I, although there’s a way to go. I’m quietly confident about our new counselling. One big thing is that I actively don’t let anything he says or his tone dent my confidence or self-belief like I used to. I try to know swiftly and robustly reject to take that on board, often telling him in a very matter-of-fact way. This is effective for me and doesn’t cause arguments because I’m not being emotive about it.

I do sense an optimism there @thiswaydown which is very nice to see. Robustness is the way to go! Perhaps small but important adjustments from you both are building up to some kind of semblance of a harmonious relationship? I do hope so.

Changer
I to have public displays of affection. I can rarely reciprocate due to when we are alone, there is absolutely nothing at all which is so strange. We also have lovely conversations on the phone whilst one or both of us are at work but then when he comes home he will sit in another room!
I have a decision to make about a family holiday in June. I was wondering if I explain the scenario to you could you advise me or if any of you have experienced anything like this?
So... every year we all go on a family caravan holiday with all of my DC, their partners and my GC who are the most fabulous people.
I’m not saying we don’t have a good time as I absolutely love their company but every year me and h have regular arguments due to his starange behaviour, not participating or rudeness. I try so hard not to respond but in such a close environment just like at home I have to remind him of the rules. Obviously then I get ‘the cold shoulder’, told to shut up etc which is extremely embarrassing in front if people. I then feel that I have ruined everyone’s holiday. I can become very quiet as I do not want another ‘scene’. He then will ignore me for the rest of the holiday and do his own thing. Eventually, he will just talk to me as if nothing has happened but to much resentment has built up by then and I again seem like the bitch!
I have said no to the holiday this year for only one rsason. I cannot walk on eggshells wondering if he is going to annoy me and we will again argue.
I feel embarrassed by his behaviour and my reaction to it. Also the guilt of ruining the holiday for everyone which does not seem to occur to him.
The ironic part of it is that my h has told the children that he wants to go. So everyone thinks that I am the one who is being awkward and difficult but I am merely thinking of them having a better time without the worry of us pair!
I have tried to talk to him prior to any event about some of his behaviours. He usually dismisses everything I say.
There is nothing more I would like to do than go on holiday with my amazing family but the anxiety I have is tearing me apart.
Thank you for listening!
Again it feels better writing it down. Take care everyone xxx

Pina your 'looking at other families out together and wanting my life to be better than this' is one of the reasons I chose to end my marriage.

When H worked away for half the year I had no expectation of him being with us. When he stopped being physically absent through work I expected him to join in but he chose not to and I was often disappointed.

I am fairly new to where I live so don't have many close friends here but I have made one true friend, her husband is absolutely lovely and DD gets on really well with both their children. DH chooses not to come whenever we go there, he doesn't find them interesting enough. Never mind the fact that we just have a lovely time, games for the kids, walks in the woods, something nice to eat, a drink of some sort. He isolates himself at home because they are not intellectual enough for him.

Same with my family get togethers, he rarely comes, so you have got a few happy families having a great time and then me and DD, also having a great time but wishing we were a happy family unit.

I think I said this in one of my posts on the first thread, I was very sad when DD said something along the lines of 'my friends families all fit together like a jigsaw Mum, we don't, Dad is like a piece that doesn't fit'.

I constantly look at other family dynamics and wish things were different.

I’ve ordered the book ‘Broken’ by Katy Ford about her ASD/NT marriage - I suspect it will make familiar reading!

Hi all,

Thinking ahead, I need to have a good way to tell H that I am leaving & want a divorce. I’m guessing it needs to be in an unemotional & Black & White way for him to understand.

As he has an awful temper and could go that way, I think I’m going to do it in a letter.

Any advice? What do you think?

Thanks

@moffa that is brave and decisive of you. I think if I were you I’d test the water with him. However how bad is his temper? If it is going to be in any way awful for you / kids I’d think of this as how can you tell him in a way that protects you? Is it going to be unbearable or even risky to be living in the same house after you tell him? If so, I’d move first or get some proper safety advice or from anyone you trust in real life who can be there or help.

@flatpack I am very glad that you are freeing yourself to start again. DP also judges my family and friends. He says they are ‘mine’ and just looks bored when he has come. Except it’s strange I am lucky enough to have a wide group of friends, some of which are incredibly intelligent and right up DPs street in terms of career, yet he still makes no effort. I wonder if he feels exposed in some way. I wish I could leave now.

@changer I wonder if you could confide in your family and ask their advice? Say you know the dynamics weren’t good, you don’t want to rehash it? Otherwise I don’t know I guess I’d leave your DH off, just totally brush off anything that irritates you - by focusing on what you’d like to do. Lower expectations. He’s not going to change. Or perhaps a little but only if you ease off?

Thanks Pina. The plan is to move out while he is away for a few days & leave a letter saying I want a divorce. It feels very cold but I think it’s the only way to do it. He has a very hot temper and now I am understanding his behaviour more there has been ongoing domestic abuse (in the form of emotional neglect, attempted financial & social control and psychological abuse) so I am nervous about it escalating. He has never hit me but he has hit tables, walls etc in rage.

Hope everyone else is ok xx

friendlygal79
I have had this dilemma too! However, I have realised that my DCs and their partners see DH in a totally different way from me. Children are quite self centred and though they grew up knowing he was different, they (annoyingly to me!) love him very much with all his oddities and eccentricities. They didn’t notice or care how it affected me. After all they knew nothing different. I am ultra sensitive to his social awkwardness and feel I have to apologise for him, but really and truly I don’t think they mind if they even notice. So I think you should go and try not to “smooth things over”. Let them do that if it annoys them. Keep telling yourself it is not your responsibility to clear up after him emotionally and socially. Before you go, perhaps you could say to him that sometimes without meaning to, he is rude or dismissive towards you, and that if that happens while you’re away, you will say “ouch!” to let him know. That will get your DCs and DCGs on side more than telling him off, and it might be a way of drawing his attention to unacceptable behaviour more than putting his back up by perceived criticism. I have found a really useful website called aspergerpartner.com, which is (I think) a Scandinavian site, but has a raft of articles in English. There’s one headed “The Burden on NT (NeuroTypical) Spouses and children, OTRS (ongoing traumatic relationship) which I found really helpful. It would be such a shame to miss out on a lovely family holiday.

@stardust agree with you, don’t miss out! I read that web site, some of its very useful. Although I was a bit worried about the woman who was beaten by her husband but stayed because she thought if he could only see his ASD diagnosis then this would make him better. Sad for her.

@moffa I would be as cold as you can, and do it as safely as possible. Have you got friends and family on board? I sympathise with your thinking. DP has also got a temper, perhaps not as bad as your DH, however it shouldn’t be ignored. DP has made huge efforts to curb his temper but really only since his eldest (he has a child from previous marriage) refused to see him after he shouted at her. Not since I asked him not to! Anyhow, that inability for your DH to control his rage could come out in times of stress to him.