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Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
VI0LET · 29/12/2018 18:12

I’m confused. Is he suggesting that he get a job in your city, sell his home and buy one in your town and continue to date ? Or does he expect you and your kids to move in with him In the next few months ??

If the first, that’s a bit bonkers but his risk . Although it will put you under pressure to make it work with him.

If it’s the second , then No for all the reasons everyone has said.

If you are keen to do an MA and get back to a good career, how does having another baby fit into that plan ? Is your Bf going to take paternity leave and then go part time to care for the child? Or is it you who had to make the career and life sacrifice all over again, just like your ex?

How do you feel about the fact that he doesn’t seem to hear you when you say it’s too soon?

ElspethFlashman · 29/12/2018 18:18

He said he knew that I wasn’t keen on moving to his city and perhaps before he made out that he couldn’t get a job here thinking that would persuade me to move with him?

In other words it was a bold faced lie. Cos he wanted you and your kids to do all the work. Move house, move jobs, everything, and move all 3 of you into a house he could throw you out of at a moments notice. Oh he's a clever one.

If you don't know what a red flag is, then that there is a flaming one.

Oh and the ex wife's family was causing trouble? That means THEY DIDN'T LIKE HIM. If that doesn't make you wonder why, you're being willfully naive.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 18:18

Look into programmes, you can do an MA without giving up work. Don't make it into this fantasy of moving in with this bloke and then quitting work to do the MA whilst making yourself and your kids financially dependent on him.

FOTTOSOFTFOSM · 29/12/2018 18:18

Far too soon. At 8 months I'd just about be considering introducing him to dc. As someone who was put in the situation of being a child who was suddenly living with a man I had met just a couple of times I'd say dont do it. It's far too soon even without the school and city upheaval.

Thespace · 29/12/2018 18:20

How long did he know his previous wife before he got married?

FestiveNut · 29/12/2018 18:21

Do not do it. Put your kids first. They're too young at the moment to reliably tell you if he was abusive towards them and it is more common than we think it is.

If he loves you, he will wait until you want to make the move, rather than pressing you to live with him when he wants you to. If you were to tell him five years (which would be far more reasonable) would he kick off?

Kardashianlove · 29/12/2018 18:28

I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets offered an ‘amazing too good to be true job opportunity in your city that won’t arise again’ so he puts you in a position of now or never.

I think the suggestion of telling him it’s far, far too soon and you were thinking more like 5 years before you would move your DC in with a man is a good one. If he genuinely loves and respects you this will be NO issue to him, none at all. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

There are a lot of red flags here and I’m guessing the fact you haven’t picked up on them indicates you are (understandably) damaged from your previous abusive relationship. Get some counselling, do the freedom programme.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 29/12/2018 18:35

How did you meet him?

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 18:36

I’m a bit confused as previously he said my city is boring (he did his post grad here) and he couldn’t find a job here and now he has changed his tune. He said he knew that I wasn’t keen on moving to his city and perhaps before he made out that he couldn’t get a job here thinking that would persuade me to move with him?

Keep reading this back to yourself! He deliberately lied to you to see if you'd fall for the bait and uproot yourself and your kids to make your lives dependent on him. Then, when this strategy didn't work, he's seeking another way to manipulate you into a live in situation when you told him 'not now'. He wants you to be confused and on the back foot. Honestly, aren't you alarmed that you now know he lied to you to try to get you to completely give you up your life and your children's (he'll never see it as lying, either, hence, his saying 'persuade' because that's how he views his actions, as justifiable)? I'd easily dump someone for doing that because I can't abide liars.

And now, he's telling you, not asking, that he's going to sell his house and move jobs and city for an 8-month relationship?

The only rational response is, 'CREEP! LIAR! NO!'

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 18:52

I’m a bit confused as previously he said my city is boring (he did his post grad here) and he couldn’t find a job here and now he has changed his tune. He said he knew that I wasn’t keen on moving to his city and perhaps before he made out that he couldn’t get a job here thinking that would persuade me to move with him?

I haven’t worded the above too well at all. The perhaps bit is me asking a question. He said ‘ I knew you were not keen on moving to my city’ so I then posed a question to the reader of the thread: perhaps before he made out he couldn’t get a job Thinking that would persuade me to move in with him?

Sorry that very unclear. I had spoken to him and rushed to update the thread and should have worded it better

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 18:55

Violet - he has now said that he will find a job in my city, sell his house and buy another one in my city and we all move in together. I asked him if he would rent his house and move in with me instead and he was open to this suggestion also.

OP posts:
Monr0e · 29/12/2018 18:56

So how much time has he spent with your DC's? Does he try to discipline them or leave that to you? Does he have any idea what living with children is like? Is he happy for his quiet home to be overrun by small beings he has no control over?

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 19:00

Violet - he has now said that he will find a job in my city, sell his house and buy another one in my city and we all move in together. I asked him if he would rent his house and move in with me instead and he was open to this suggestion also.

Listen to yourself here. 'He said' 'He told me' 'He will'. You are letting him drive all this and he has blatantly disregarded your boundaries on this and you continue to be passive, allowing him to push himself on you and move the relationship at his speed to suit his goals. That is not healthy or normal at all. 'NO. It's too soon to be moving in together. You are free to get whatever job you like, do as you please with your own house but there will be no moving in for now.' How hard is that? If it's too hard, then you have no business in a relationship at all because you need to do some serious work on your boundaries.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 29/12/2018 19:03

I don’t think you’re selfish, I think you’re a victim of abuse who will likely have skewed vision of boundaries and relationships. Abusers do a number on their victims which lead them vulnerable to other abusive people.

Statistically you are more likely to get into another dysfunctional relationship with an abuser.

I think you have been given some great advice, if he’s the right guy then he can wait and cope with boundaries that you may need to put up.

I think you know something is off as you came and asked the question, many women in your position just go with the flow and get swept up. He seems eager to rush the relationship and this isn’t a great sign.

I hope you do the Freedom Programme and I hope everything works out for you.

UnicornSlaughters · 29/12/2018 19:05

So it's been 8 months and already in that time he's:

  1. put pressure on you to drop your life and move you and your daughters to him.
  1. Lied about his job prospects in your city.
  1. Emotionally blackmailed you when you tried to rebuild your boundaries.
  1. Is willing to drop everything to live under one roof with you and your girls.

Why aren't you blocking his number and running for the hills?!

loveyoutothemoon · 29/12/2018 19:06

Too soon!

Thespace · 29/12/2018 19:06

Has he got any friends and family that he sees regularly and have you met them?

Alarm bells going off for me as he reminds me of someone I spent a year with who kept trying to move the relationship on before I was ready. He was very reliant on me from the start and that was because he didn’t have much of a life of his own and it became stifling. (Btw he turned nasty after a year when I expressed I had doubts and he wouldn’t accept it.)

Dirtybadger · 29/12/2018 19:08

Do not move into his house in any city!!

He can move in with you in a year's time+ or you rent a place together. It should be both of your homes with not his that you live in. You'll have lodger rights.

He sounds way too full in
Why can't he commute an hour like most people do Confused?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 19:11

Unicorn -

Because he may just be the one 😍😍

I’m just joking, relax

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 19:14

Right I’ve read all the replies

I am re considering everything. There is Something off about his eagerness and I have acknowledged that

I don’t know what to make of his sudden change of heart with regard to moving to my city and I am a uneasy about the fact that he disregarded what I said and went ahead to contact the person with the job offer

I do like this man a lot. Yes, I have come out of an abusive relationship but I’m not just running off with the first bloke that has come along. I genuinely like him which is why I started a relationship with him in the first place

Having said that, I know I need to reconsider this whole thing

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 29/12/2018 19:16

Well done Twinkle. No harm can come with taking things slowly. Most people without kids wait at least a year or two before moving in together. Add kids in and a previously abusive relationship and it's just plain sensible to be conservative.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 19:18

Fair play OP, I agree with everything you’ve said. He’s not listening is he? That’s worrying.

GinaJabowski · 29/12/2018 19:20

I think it's a little too soon but not at all selfish. My DP's ex moved 180 miles from us with DP's daughter. She has a much better life there and there are so many more opportunities for DSD where she lives with her mum compared to where DP and I live. DP is a committed father and he and his ex are civil enough to have arrangements in place to maintain his relationship with his daughter. Long term, if it's going to be better for you and your DC, then do it. Just make sure you're 100% that this relationship is going to work out. All the best OP.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 19:20

Well done, op.

Keep saying no and watch his responses carefully. You owe this to your girls.

deepwatersolo · 29/12/2018 19:22

Twinkle, you can crucify me for saying this and I may win the award for rudest person on mumsnet, but when a guy is so super-eager to move in with a mother of small kids who aren‘t his, right or wrong my paedo-alarm goes off.
There, I said it.

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