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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
impossiblecat · 29/12/2018 16:46

Has he proposed?

coffeeagogo · 29/12/2018 16:47

Op I rarely comment on threads like this but one thing that popped out is that you said he was encouraging you to go back to Uni and do an MA - would that leave you reliant on him? I think in your shoes I would be keen to keep my autonomy as long as possible - don't give up your life and move the earth for him. If he loves you he wouldn't ask you to

LemonTT · 29/12/2018 16:49

OP you have a home and a job where you are. You probably have a support network of friends and family. This alone should mean that you have no less a compelling reason to stay put than him. The salary differential is not enough, nor the house. These are his and will remain his until you marry. Do not make yourself dependent on him without rights.

But more than that you have 2 settled children who will not benefit from the move. In fact their relationship with their father (assuming it is a positive one) will be at risk. One hours travel to stay with him is a lot for them and for you, who will be doing a 2 hour round trip to drop off and pick up. The move makes no sense for them. It is entirely for your relationship. One that is too short to even contemplate this, given children and the fact you are giving up a home and a job.

I’m sorry but all parents in this situation, divorced or living apart, have to make sacrifices for their children. Those are sacrifices in terms of job offers, relocation and new relationships. Some end up living in 2 places to be able to have a career and stay close to their children. They don’t even consider putting distance between the children and both parents. No matter how badly they dislike their ex.

You cannot consider upping and moving for a new boyfriend who isn’t willing to facilitate your children’s needs. Because if he had any idea he would not suggest this. No man worth anything would ask a girlfriend to uproot her children so his life is easier. Red red flag.

Purpleisthenewblue1 · 29/12/2018 16:55

You can spend 10 years with a person and still not really know them. Look at the posts on these boards about affairs and addictions. But 8 months? Hope this is not for real?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 16:57

OP having read your post on the 'red flag' thread I'm surprised you want to live with another man so soon after meeting them - especially in HIS house, in HIS city.

Mum2boys1girl · 29/12/2018 16:59

It depends how far away your moving to. And how the kids are going to get to dad's and back from dad's. Only you can decided to take the risk but speak to there dad before you make a decision and get his opinion i was once in your situation now and it has worked out great so far I moved away with kids less then a year into relationship and still together 7 years later and things are good. Gl and I hope it all works out for you

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 17:27

Tell him you would want to be married before you consider moving. See how he reacts to that!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 17:29

A marriage of a year-and-a-half isn't exactly the best track record, is it?

SweetheartNeckline · 29/12/2018 17:33

8 months and "really liking" someone isn't enough to give up a job and tenancy even if you're young, free and single imo. It certainly isn't enough to uproot your kids.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 17:36

Has he proposed?

And even if he does, still wouldn't uproot until was actually married. Plenty of threads on here from women who are eternally engaged and go ahead and have kids and the marriage never happens. But most of the time, with people like this, they stress that they want to 'see how things go' living together first.

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 17:40

And tell me, riotlady, did your five childhood moves involve your primary carer/resident parent forming a new cohabiting relationship each time?

VI0LET · 29/12/2018 17:47

Don’t give up your job, tenancy, children’s school and nursery / childcare for a man who is giving up nothing for you.

If he really is a wonderful man, why can’t he see that asking your and your children to change for him is rather selfish ?

If his city is near enough for you to transport your children to their fathers house, what, 8 times a month, why isn’t it near enough for him to rent a flat near you and commute to his work ?

Them if it doesn’t work out , you haven’t disrupted your lives for nothing. It’s easy for him as a home owner to let his place out and rent nearer you.

Also do NOT move into his place , even when the time is right. Buy or rent somewhere new together . Otherwise it will always be his place and you and your kids will have no security or rights. He’s not going to transfer his property into joint names, is he?

If you had a well paid job before you had kids, why don’t you start applying for another one, rather than just what you call a “normal office job”? Would doing an MA change your career prospects ?

ScabbyHorse · 29/12/2018 17:49

Yeah, don't do it. Think about it for a year or so.

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 17:52

I have spoken to him...

He said that if he finds a job here he would move and he could sell his house and buy one here. He seemed quite eager but the only thing is, when the talk was about me moving there he was saying we can make the move in around a year due to the children’s school year but when I mentioned him moving here he said he would do it soon like in the next couple of months. He made mention of knowing someone here who had previously offered him a job and that he would contact them and then move. I had to tell him to calm down as I don’t think it’s a wise idea to move in just yet but he was saying he will contact the person anyway...

I’m a bit confused as previously he said my city is boring (he did his post grad here) and he couldn’t find a job here and now he has changed his tune. He said he knew that I wasn’t keen on moving to his city and perhaps before he made out that he couldn’t get a job here thinking that would persuade me to move with him?

He also seemed quite upset and I wouldn’t say angry but a bit let down when I said that moving in the next couple of months is too soon and wasn’t our initial plan.

I think I’ll iust take a while to sit back and think everything through

I’m pleased that he doesn’t expect me to drop everything for him, but he is being very eager about the whole living together thing

OP posts:
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 17:54

Violet - I had been a sahm for 5 years. I can’t find anything in the area that I was working in hence me taking on a lower paid job.

Doing an MA would give me a different career path.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 29/12/2018 17:55

I would have thought that if he was abusive, he would have made digs at me about my situation?

No. He really wouldn't. Very few abusive men would be stupid enough to already be making nasty comments this early.

Ideas like this are why you're getting so many recommendations to go on the Freedom Programme.

Abuse is about power and control.

It's not about nastiness or violence, although it obviously can and often does include those as a means to exert control over someone. It's all about power and control.

An abusive man will use a range of tactics to gradually take more and more control of your life and your decisions. In many cases these will be subtle and won't (initially, at least) be framed as put downs and digs.

An example would be isolating you from friends, family, and support networks. Some abusers do this by making it physically difficult for you to leave the house and see them, some do it by flying into a rage every time you try to spend time with somebody other than them, some do it by "coincidentally" planning a surprise romantic encounter every single time you have plans with friends, some do it by telling you your friend hit on them or that your friend is using you, and some do it by uprooting you and relocating you somewhere new. Very, very, very few of them do it by saying "I don't want you seeing your friends anymore."

Early warning signs of an abuser aren't him being nasty to you. They're him being too good to be true and rushing the relationship (and talking about relocating after 8 months is rushing things) so you don't have time to assess properly; they're him being full on from day one about how much he loves you; they're him gradually making you dependent on him; they're a multitude of subtle little ways to gradually take control of your choices ("are you sure you want to wear that outfit? Other men might look at you" or "I worry about you going out on your own, what if something happened?").

It's subtle and gradual.

He might not be saying "you have to move in with me or it's over" but you've only been together 8 months and he's telling you a timescale for when he wants you living with him. It might not be the overt pressure you were used to by the end of your previous relationship, but it is pressure.

Warning signs also include having a tale of woe about his "crazy" ex or her family, who made his life a nightmare. It's so incredibly common. Your ex is probably already telling people the same about you.

Rushing the speed of a relationship is one of the biggest red flags for abuse. Making nasty little digs isn't - as others have said, the outright nastiness tends (with most abusers) to come later. Otherwise you'd have run a mile, right? And if you'd run away he wouldn't be able to feel powerful over you - that's what abusers get off on, feeling powerful by having control of you. They won't get that from a few nasty words that make you run off.

In the early days they want to charm you, so that once they become more obviously abusive you'll look back on those halcyon early days and think "this must be me, if I change myself to do what he wants and stop annoying him/making him jealous/etc we can go back to how things were in the beginning". Except that was an act and you'll never get that version of him back no matter how obedient you become.

I am not saying this man is abusive, because I don't have enough information to be certain, but there are significant warning signs, and the method you're using to reassure yourself that he is not abusive is, I'm afraid, faulty. (Although understandable.)

The examples you've given do not show he is not abusive. They'd be perfectly in keeping with an abuser at the beginning.

If you can't get to a group for a while, there is an online version of the Freedom Programme you could do first, albeit there is a fee of £10 and you won't have the benefit of hearing the discussions and being able to ask questions. But it would be a helpful interim measure.

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 17:55

Queen - 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 17:57

OP, why are you being so passive? Yet again, he appears as the person dictating all the movements in this relationship. Tell him it’s way too soon to live together, whichever one of you moves! It’s not up to him to dictate the pace at which your relationship advances!

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 17:58

Oh, no, just no, no, no, no! FAR too soon for the live in situation and he's far too eager. I'm really sorry, but he's very keen on getting his way and that to me would really ring alarm bells. You shouldn't even have a bloody 'initial plan' this soon in. That's crazy fast and honestly, you need to get onto Freedom Programme because this guy's not taking 'no' for an answer doesn't bode well. Really hope you don't 'fall pregnant' soon, either. BAD move.

Monr0e · 29/12/2018 18:03

It's good you are holding off on the movi g in together. Even if he does get a job closer he should not be expecting to just move in with you. That will also be massively disruptive to your dc's. And he should be respecting that, not getting annoyed that you are putting them first. How much significant time has he spent with them in 8 months? If he is childfree has he any experience at all of living with children? Have you holidayed together?

If you have already spoken of moving in together then presumably you have discussed and agreed on finances and also his role as a step parent, although 8 months in he really is nothing more to your dc's than their mum's friend.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 18:05

Exactly, Moonstoned. If you're not able to tell him outright, 'NO. This is too soon for me,' then you have a big problem. He's pushing and rushing.

AnoukSpirit · 29/12/2018 18:06

X post.

but he is being very eager about the whole living together thing

Isn't he just?

Your update is really troubling in several ways, but your instincts seem to be helping you out here. Trust them when they're telling you it's too fast, too much, and his responses are off/OTT.

I think you're doing the right thing.

It's actually quite disturbing some of what he's said and his reaction.

Whilst he wasn't angry, getting emotional as if you had let him down for having boundaries and being sensible is worrying. Manipulative. Makes you doubt yourself, doesn't it? (It's also not a normal reaction 8 months into a relationship).

The idea of him uprooting his whole life in the next few months to move in with you is bonkers. That is not a normal pace of relationship. Nowhere near. Especially given you told him you didn't want that. It reads a lot like he's suggested it purely to exert pressure - if you tell him you'll work towards moving in with him you get more time, whereas if you say no he's going to charge off in the next couple of months. It makes the original plan suddenly seem much more reasonable by comparison (even though you've said you don't want that and it's still too soon), and if he's not listening to no then there's a temptation to just go with that to get him to back off.

His inability to listen when you said you don't want that, and charging off ahead regardless, is troubling. If he listened and respected you he would not be doing that.

His comments about you finding his city boring, etc, and trying to "persuade" you sound both manipulative and intended to make you doubt your own judgment and understanding of the situation.

You seem to have picked up on all the same points.

ltk · 29/12/2018 18:07

It is not selfish. I really can't believe that word is being thrown around; how jugdmental can we get?

However, it's not a good idea yet, either. You have only been with this man for 8 months, which is not much time at all. I would keep seeing him, and set a date for moving that gets you there in time to apply for a YR place for DD2. That's loads of time from now. If all is still going well, then you move in with fewer worries and greater certainty.

It is fine to move schools, to move cities, and not selfish at all. But you need to be as certain as a person can be that this relationship will last before you move in with him. You do owe your dd's - and yourself- that.

TwistedStitch · 29/12/2018 18:09

Has he even spent much time with your kids after only 8 months? Why does he think he can just move in?

Kardashianlove · 29/12/2018 18:12

Before you posted about him now wanting to move in with you, I was going to say that moving cities is a red herring.
Moving in with a man you have known for 8 months is far too soon when you have DC.

He does sound as if he is pressuring you although he’s being clever about it in that he’s making out like he’s the one doing you a big favour by moving to you, getting a new job, etc. It all seems to be about what’s best for him though with no consideration for your DC. It’s a MASSIVE thing having another person live with them, please don’t underestimate the affect this will have on them.

It also sounds as though he is confusing and possibly gaslighting you (he can’t possibly get a job in your city, oh no wait he can).
He’s also steamrolling ahead against your wishes. You’ve said it’s too soon, he’s said he’ll contact them anyway. That isn’t the actions of a person who values your feelings on the matter and respects you.

Please take a step back, do the freedom programme then reassess. Someone who genuinely loves and respects you will be fine with this.

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