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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 19:23

I don’t know what to make of his sudden change of heart with regard to moving to my city and I am a uneasy about the fact that he disregarded what I said and went ahead to contact the person with the job offer

He lied to you, Twinkle. Please keep that in mind. He lied to you to see if he could manipulate you and your kids into doing what he wants without his doing any work. Your boundaries are so shaky, you actually considered this, too! Risking your security for a lie.

And no, he still isn't at all concerned about what you want and you are allowing it - he said, he told me, he's going to . . . - not 'I don't want this!' and that's it. There's no 'I' in your posts.

People who are desperate to get into a live in situation often do this because it increases the control they have over the other person.

ElspethFlashman · 29/12/2018 19:23

Wow, he's the boss.

Please do reconsider everything. You can be "a nice guy" and still be pushy and controlling as hell. You just smile whilst you're pushing. It's still someone you avoid like the plague.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 19:24

deepwatersolo not the only one who wondered, don’t worry. That is speculating aye, but he’s already disregarding OP and her wants/needs/responsibilities which is more than enough to get my spidey senses going.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 19:27

Deepwatersolo

He didn’t know I had children when he initiated contact with me first so I don’t think he is ‘grooming’ me to get to my kids. It has been mentioned before and I really don’t think he is a pedo.

OP posts:
babba2014 · 29/12/2018 19:27

These men can get quite stalkerish. It's good you are hearing alarm bells after speaking to him.
Most certainly back off a bit and when you speak about moving again then say it is better you live separately and are in summer next year how things are then re-evaluate.

MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 19:32

I have recently divorced and my new partner lives quite a way away. My priority is NOT uprooting my DD and NOT taking her away from her DDad.

My new chap is moving to be closer to me in the new year, into his own rental property though. Not into my house. That will be if things work out and when my DD is ready for it.

If my OH had prioritised his commute over the stability of my DD, I would have ditched him rapidly. As it is, my OH suggested that we wait until DD is ready, as in his opinion, DD comes first. That is the stance that good men take! I am not sure that yours falls into this category I am afraid.

No2palmoil · 29/12/2018 19:33

I'd listen to @thebaronetofcockburn

I did something similar luckily no kids and it led to 5yrs of emotional and mental abuse with a smattering of physical when u eventually woke up.

Massive red flag protect yourself and your wee ones.

MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 19:35

Oh, and my OH volunteered to pay for a CRB check, as he is well aware that many men aren't what they seem. Would your OH consider doing this?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 19:36

He probably has a crb check due to his job

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 19:38

@MsLucyLastic that is as it should be. OP please take note. This is what respectful, adult behaviour in a newish relationship looks like.

TwistedStitch · 29/12/2018 19:42

How much time has he spent with your kids OP?

Monr0e · 29/12/2018 19:43

Well done OP, it's great you are recognising for yourself this is too much too soon.

Has he acknowledged at all the upheaval this would cause for your DD's and how they may feel suddenly living with a new man? It could be very intimidating for them. You have said very little about his relationship with them and how they get on in general, it is all very much about what he wants.

MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 19:43

Ok, so a CRB check will have been done, good.

But if you are to have a LTR with someone, surely you want them to view your DD's wellbeing as their primary concern? If he prioritises where you live as being "boring" over your DD's best interests, then where are his priorities (with himself!)? Do you really want your DDs to have a stepdad who doesn't put their needs first? Even to his own detriment?

My DD and yours don't deserve anything less than that.

deepwatersolo · 29/12/2018 19:43

How do you know he didn‘t know, OP? Did he say so? Are you sure you have no online footprint, like Facebook, that indicates you have kids?

Anyway, going all in with offers of changing job and selling house without knowing how the day to day life will turn out strikes me as somewhat unhinged. If he were a paedo, that would actually make him look somewhat more rational in the grand scheme of things. #justsayin

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 19:44

You're ignoring the elephant in the room, Twinkle. He has admitted that he lied to you to try to manipulate you into giving up your entire life and risking your and your children's security to move in with him whilst he risked nothing. And in his mind, he doesn't even see that he has lied, instead he justifies it by saying he was trying to persuade you.

He completely ignored your objections and has told you that you will be living together.

If you cannot see these truths, however inconvenient, then you have learned nothing from your abusive relationship and really need all the luck in the world.

That's a huge lie. Most people would have come unglued at that and dumped him, not sat and listened to him continuing to order your life the way he sees fit.

Sisterlove · 29/12/2018 19:48

I'm glad you're listening. His eagerness to live together is worrying.

How old is he? What's his rush?

I think you need to say it's moving too quickly and you'd be happier revisiting the discussion of living together in a years time....because you have children to think about. You need to consider the impact of him living with your girls.

If he pushes you or tries to turn it round saying you don't love him..and he's trying to help and support you to better yourself.....then I'd suggest you think again about this relationship.

MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 19:49

@QueenOfTheCroneAge, thank you. I didn't tell him how I wanted things to progress as I didn't want to influence his opinion.

He volunteered that all the emphasis should be on my DD and her needs, in terms of letting her set the pace and her safety, hence the CRB check suggestion.

Kardashianlove · 29/12/2018 19:54

As pp have said, he told you a missive lie in order to try and manipulate you. Most people would have ended it when they found this out (plus all the other red flags). You need to ask yourself why you are still considering continuing a relationship with someone who lied to you like this and isn’t showing any respect for you.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 19:55

Deepwater - he would have had no idea that i had children. I am not on any type of social media and when I did tell him that I had children he was a bit surprised and a bit taken aback. Also, he prefers to meet when the children are with their dad. If he was a pedo surely he would have tried squirming his way in when the kids are around

I feel like maybe he is an abuser but I’m sure that he is not a pedo!

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 19:56

I didn't tell him how I wanted things to progress as I didn't want to influence his opinion

Unlike the OP's boyfriend......

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 19:57

He’s 34 and I am younger. He is rushing as he has previously said things like he doesn’t know what I’m up to after I come home from work, if we live aprt how does he know what I am doing, that he likes to see his partner when he comes home etc

He hasn’t said everything in that context but I can see how his behaviour could be seen as controlling and abusive

Things are starting to add up

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 29/12/2018 19:58

Keep saying no and watch his responses carefully.

So much this. Abusive men tend to be all sweetness and light when they are initially getting what they want. What's important is how they behave when they are not getting what they want. When you have excellent boundaries.

I'd also like to know how long he was with his ex before they married. Ten years and the marriage was a sad, last attempt to save the relationship... probably OK. Six months and he leaped in? Not so much.

And if you were to move in, you'd need very very long and involved conversations about money and roles.

MrsTerryPratcett · 29/12/2018 19:59

how does he know what I am doing

Seriously woman!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 19:59

Also, he prefers to meet when the children are with their dad

Yet he wants you to move in with him. With your DC.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 20:02

He is rushing as he has previously said things like he doesn’t know what I’m up to after I come home from work, if we live aprt how does he know what I am doing, that he likes to see his partner when he comes home etc

Dear god! Twinkle, he lied to you massively to get his way. He has NO respect for you, your boundaries, your kids or your life. Most people when they found this out would have gone ballistic and immediately dumped him. But you sat and listened to him ordering you around.

This his more red flags than a Labour convention.

Please, for the sake of your kids, just stop it and do not date again at all until you've done the Freedom Programme and then some because you are very vulnerable.

You owe this man nothing and his motives for pushing and rushing the relationship to a move in one are so that he can control you better.