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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
LovingLola · 29/12/2018 14:24

At least the OP has not said that her children 'adore him'. That's a phrase that crops up time and time again in this type of thread.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 14:37

@LovingLola oh yes, that's so true!

Sisterlove · 29/12/2018 14:41

You're right to rethink it and wait. Your girls need stability, so I would say you should revisit this after being together for 2 years minimum.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but he's a single, successful man with no DC, no Ex wife, really sounding like an eligible bachelor - why would he be so keen for you to move in with him so quickly, with 2 very young children.

Doesn't it sound rather hasty to you?

I'm not saying you aren't a good catch - but I'd be very suspicious in your shoes.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 14:47

@Sisterlove good point! it is very suspicious that this successful, child free man wants a ready made family moving in so soon.

JillScarlet · 29/12/2018 14:47

Fair enough, OP: see how it goes for a year. You can’t really plan for a year ahead when a relationship is quite new.

Irrespective of your maybe-plans with your new man, something like the Freedom Programme will be a good thing for you to do for your own self.

Well done getting away from your abusuve ex and being an independent single mother. It was hard fought for, which is why, I guess, people are saying be careful how much independence you give up and who to.

Good luck!

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 14:57

Sisterlove - he has an ex wife he doesn’t have kids with her though. He was married for one and a half years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 14:59

Thank you JillScarlet

Yes, it was hard fought for. I completely understand some of the replies I’ve had. I will ensure I do not make the same mistakes as I have previously made

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 15:00

What did he say about his very short marriage, OP?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 15:02

He doesn’t talk about it much and has said that her family got too involved and were cashing problems for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 15:03

Causing *

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 15:15

Hmmmm well, I'd ask for more details on this. It sounds like you don't know him well at all, and you won't after only 8 months. His former marriage may have no bearing at all, but you need to be vigilant with him, and ask more questions about his previous life.

He's asking a great deal of you and your DC, so you are entitled to have more background knowledge.

Hiphopopotamous · 29/12/2018 15:29

I'd be suspicious that with such a short marriage it was also a fast-paced relationship.
It would make me even more cautious to slow things down and maintain my own financial independence

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 15:36

Definitely go for the Freedom Programme AND whatever counselling you can get, including on here there's lots of support.

riotlady · 29/12/2018 15:45

I do think 8 months is a bit quick but man oh man do mumsnetters overreact to the idea of kids moving!

I moved 5 times as a kid, to very different locations around the UK. When I was a teenager i found it very hard, but my sister and I barely remember moving prior to the age of about 8, it really didn’t affect us much at all. I think having a happy mum and a model of a stable relationship is far more important than staying in a primary school she’s only just started.

So yes, give it a year or so and go for it would be my opinion, and fuck all the martyrs calling you selfish.

GraduationDilemma · 29/12/2018 15:53

I've been with my partner for just over a year, he's in a different city and we're very much in love but he's only met my kids three times. 8 months is most definitely too soon. I might consider relocating in 8 years when the kids are grown!

Don't give up your independence just yet. Its precious. You're the queen of your household. You're in charge. Don't let anyone take your tiara. If he gives you 'conditions' he can jog on.

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 16:22

Graduationdilemma sounds like a wise old owl. Really the only person who would benefit from this move would be the new dp. He'd get a housekeeper/cleaner, cook and someone to sleep with. The dc would gain nothing and would be worse off. They'd lose their home and friends, and would the new dp be kind to them? Would he love them and protect them?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 16:27

I don’t think he’s after someone to clean his house and cook for him...he has already made that clear. He could of course be lying but he’s already self sufficient and cooks and cleans for himself so I don’t think that he would take on a woman with children just because he wants her to do some chores for him lol

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 29/12/2018 16:29

Not selfish, no

Absolutely fucking bonkers

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 16:30

It doesn't matter. It would be foolish no matter what to jack in your job and lose all your financial security and the roof over your kids' heads to move in with a man an hour away, especially when he can easily commute. You risk everything and he risks nothing. That's not on.

My ex was also self-sufficient, but oh how that started to change after I moved in . . . especially if you're not working right away.

impossiblecat · 29/12/2018 16:31

He's not taking on the woman- he has her.

What does he want the kids for?

Sisterlove · 29/12/2018 16:31

Yeah...that 1.5 years marriage is also something I'd be weary of. In truth you may never know. .. but why would he not get a childless single woman near to where he lives.

It's like he wants an instafamily.

It's rare for an eligible man to be so willing to take on such young children. ..moving into his house.

How did you meet him? Have you discussed having children in the future? Does he want them?

These are serious issues to discuss before making him such bif part of your DDs lives.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 16:37

Yes he wants children and that’s why he would eventually want to live together

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 16:39

Good decision to call a halt to this madness, op

And the revious short marriage does not teflect at all well on his ability to form lasting relationships. Giving him the benefit of the doubt in that situation would be very naive as you cannot possibly know someone after 8 months.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 16:40

Previous Reflect

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 16:42

Yes he wants children and that’s why he would eventually want to live together

Yep, all on his terms. Again, read this board. EVERY week there's at least one: woman who has kids already moves and gives up everything to move her and kids to be with Man. Gets pregnant. Things start falling apart with Man after it comes to light he no longer likes her kids as much as he let on now she's pregnant with one of his/has one of his/problems/got pregnant and not able to get job/blah blah blah. Upshot is she's pregnant with at least 2 others kids and now looking at being homeless on UC because they're never married (usually there's background that he told her he wanted to get married but wanted to 'try out' living together and she 'fell' pregnant in that time). It's so common it's unbelievable.

He may want kids, but you already have 2. They must always be the priority. You don't get to do things on the same terms when you chose to get into a relationship with someone who has kids already.

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