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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 22:05

The feeling I'm getting Twinkle is that you're massively flattered. Your self esteem will have been around your ankles after leaving your abusive relationship. You had very young children, had become a working single parent, and probably thought no man would ever look at you again. You say you have no friends, so were not able to build up that side of your life.

Suddenly along comes a financially solvent academic, with his own home, a couple of degrees, no dc of his own, and he's desperate to be with you. But when you pick it apart, as has been done on this thread, it's a house of cards.

At best he's an emotionally immature man, who hasn't really given a thought to what it will be like to share his life with two children under 5. He just sees a relationship with you for what he can get out of it for himself. At worst, well, why would you take the chance and find out ?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 22:06

They F* You Up is an excellent book. It was prescribed reading in our therapy training.

Twinkle, the curse is that your family has primed you to choose these relationships. The blessing is that this can change, because you're now starting to recognise it. I write as someone where this has changed. You can do it.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:10

Nicenewdusters - yes you are right. I was flattered if I am honest.

OP posts:
iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob · 29/12/2018 22:11

He wants to move in with you so he can control where you are and who you see, he's already told you as much.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:12

Thebarone - I’m not sure if he lied to me to get me to move in with him? I wrote earlier that my post was unclear. I’m not sure though if you mean about him lying about having a job offer in my city?

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 29/12/2018 22:13

he doesn’t know what I’m up to after I come home from work, if we live aprt how does he know what I am doing

This is so controlling!

Even if he didn’t say it in one go.

Does he not trust you?

I think he’s filling a gap of loneliness in your life that comes from having no friends/family.

Why not ditch him and join some clubs to make new platonic friends?

nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 22:14

SeaGreen and Dolores have it spot on. Nearly all of this is unconscious so we cannot be aware of it. Transactional Analysis is fascinating in considering why we are drawn to repeat seemingly unhealthy and damaging relationships. We are always seeking comfort and safety. In our childhood we may only have known abusive or neglectful or emotionally distant carers - but it's what we knew, and what we still (unconsciously) look for as an adult to derive some comfort and safety in our lives.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:20

Yes my childhood was both abusive and neglectful
As a young teenager I was also put in some very awful situations by boyfriends. Thinking about it, all I’ve ever known from relationships was abuse. I’ve always turned down ‘nice’ men - didn’t think they were interesting enough

I will order the book and I really hope it helps me

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 22:22

Funnily enough I was thinking of the line in the Philip Larkin poem "They f**k you up your mum and dad."

Twinkle: I'm wondering if you've ever felt yourself to be a people pleaser and/or a rescuer ? Perhaps other people have said that they see these traits in you ?

I also agree with a pp that people "see" in others something they need, or are missing. Again, they don't know it's missing, that they need it, or that they're seeking it. As the pp also said, the good news is that you can work on your self awareness and go on to make different, healthier choices

Sisterlove · 29/12/2018 22:23

I'll bet his Ex W has a very different story. Regardless of that, you've seen enough.

You will have been flattered and had an ego boost that a man who appears to be a catch like him was interested in you - with 2 young kids in tow.

Your DDs and you will most likely end up very controlled with him. I think you realise it's far from a good idea.

He sounds insecure and jealous. This will develop into posessiveness and he already has shown his ability to manipulate.

Don't meet with him on Monday.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:24

Is this a bit weird... he likes to play a silly game with me where he asks me to tell me three things I like about him and he will do the same

His three are always physical. Mine are always to do with his personality or how he makes me laugh but he gets a bit pissed off when I say these things? He will be like oh you’re so formal and have a bit of a tantrum

Maybe he’s the one with low self esteem. It’s like he needs me to say that I am attracted to him or he doesn’t want to listen to what I’ve said

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:26

Sorry, I’m just remembering all the things he does which I find weird at times. I find his game weird because he likes to play it often and then kind of controls what I say

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:27

Nicenew - I don’t think anybody has said that I’m a people pleaser or rescuer not that I can remember

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 22:28

Twinkle: can I share this quote with you. It's from "A Way Of Being" by Carl Rogers, who was a wonderful man. He's well worth reading as well!

"What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly."

You are good enough. Just as you are, without the validation of others.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:29

Nicenew - thank you for the quote I will have a look at his books as well

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 22:32

And yes those games are weird. He's seeking validation from you, but as you say in a controlled way, so that he only hears what he wants to hear. I'm imagining quite a slightly built man, not a "bloke" type. Perhaps he needs to feel better about the way he looks, hence his questions? Why do you think his three things about you are only physical?

oofadoofa · 29/12/2018 22:37

NBU.

This whole idea that 8 months is nothing and one should follow some sort of unwritten time scale before progressing in a partnership is a nonsense. If it feels right and you’re confident you should go for it. The only questions you should be asking yourself is if you’re sure you’re doing it for the right reason (ie:love) rather than convenience/better financial situation (which would be understandable)

But regarding the morals of it all, your kids will learn a lot from a parent who isn’t scared of risk taking and change and in practical terms, if it does all work out, the long term benefits are substantial. (No longer paying rent, a man keen to step up etc)

And as for the ex, if he was abusive, then fuck him.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 22:38

I’ve always turned down ‘nice’ men - didn’t think they were interesting enough

I have felt a certain throttling sense of panicked boredom at the thought of being involved with a "safe", "normal", "nice" man.

I couldn't conceive for one moment why someone would choose that kind of man over a man who offered excitement and adventure and a certain spontaneity (read: unanchored and dysfunctional).

The thing is, that you don't have to settle for someone safe. What happens is that you change, and what used to feel boring, starts to feel 'consistent', 'trustworthy', 'responsible'.

The problem is that when we're in the thick of the abuse, we cannot be our best advocates, and cannot imagine a relationship that will serve us. Slowly, however, and gradually, what we used to dread as "normal" just becomes normal. Normal. What we expect. Not boring. Just normal.

I'm trying to explain what is essentially inexplicable, but I hope you get the gist :)

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:39

The things he says to me when it’s his turn are only physical. I would say he is more of a bloke type .. he is attractive and is very confident so he doesn’t need to feel better about his looks but I don’t know, he is never happy with my responses if I mention his character..it’s weird

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 22:39

Let me re-emphasise that:

You don't have to "settle" for someone safe, i.e. because "safe" is not settling.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 22:40

That's because he's not confident at all, Twinkle.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:41

A fistful - thank you for explaining that, I do get the gist

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 29/12/2018 22:41

I'm guessing the only correct answer to those 3 things are:

  1. Big cock
  2. Meaty cock
  3. Best cock I've ever had.

I have literally never had a conversation with my DH like that.

QuilliamCakespeare · 29/12/2018 22:45

Yes! Jeez.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 22:50

@ElspethFlashman I've now got "Big cock, Meaty cock" etc; going through my head Chas and Dave stylee Grin