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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 21:38

Just looking at your last post OP. He probably was panicking because you'd effectively said no to him, so taking an element of control away. He was happy to sit back in his house whilst he thought it was only a matter of time - less than 12 months - before you moved in with him. But you've pulled the rug from under his feet, so he needs to let you know he'll get what he wants his own way.

I may sound cynical, but it's just experience, having my eyes wide open, and many years in the company of wise women on MN !

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:40

I did find it weird when he was so quick to say he would sell his house, I told him don’t you think renting it would be better? And he agreed. He does seem a bit obsessed

I’m a bit scared of upsetting him yes but I think I know what I need to do for the best interests of myself and my children

I will tell him again to calm down with this whole idea of moving in and see what he says. He has asked me to meet him on Monday, not sure now if it’s a good idea to go. I thought I could go and tell him everything but I’m not sure now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:41

Nicenew - yes could be. I was a bit baffled when he came out with the whole two months thing as just yesterday he is the one that suggested a year before moving in with him

OP posts:
Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 21:44

What was the ‘everything’ you were going to tell him, OP? And does the fact that, eight months, in you’re afraid of ‘upsetting’ him notvring any alarm bells for you!

beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 21:44

Op you've mentioned in your posts that he has a good job, a doctorate, his own home and that he doesn't make nasty comments to you about your situation... He could be a millionaire, king of a sodding castle and it wouldn't make him better than you lovely!!

Please don't be afraid of losing him for standing your ground, that's exactly what an abusive relationship is right? Stand your ground now and If you lose them then you've done yourself a favour... you really don't need to be afraid of losing him... there are plenty more fish in the sea but first you need to take time for you with your girls... these are the best years with them

I was on my own for two years with my dd (8 months) when I left her abusive df and I can honestly tell you that that time enabled me to really get to know myself and begin to rebuild my self worth.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:46

Moonstoned - I’m not afraid of him but I wasn’t clear as he seemed a bit upset and I wasn’t 100% sure that he was speaking the truth about the job offer. Which means that if he was lying, there’s no way he would move in with me within the next couple of months

OP posts:
Catsick36 · 29/12/2018 21:46

If he wants you he will move to you so the disruption for your babies is minimal. That's where his head should be, not expecting 3 of you to become vulnerable financially and emotionally to go to him.
Your children come before him.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:47

Moonstoned - I was going to tell him that maybe we should forget the idea of moving in with each other and tell him that the relationship is moving too fast and I need some time

OP posts:
Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 21:47

Twinkle, the reason he won’t be moving in within two months is surely because you don’t want him to?

You mention he has a PhD. Can I ask whether he’s an academic?

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 21:49

Not being idly curious, but I’d have a stronger sense of the likely job market.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:50

Moonstoned yes he is

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 21:50

"I'm a bit scared of upsetting him....."

That's all you need to know. You said you'll see what he says. No. This is where it's all already fucked up. You tell him where you stand as a single mother with two young children, one who'll soon be at school. As somebody who needs to maintain their financial independence and have their own home. You tell him what you have decided. If he doesn't like it, he can go.

But actually I wouldn't meet him on Monday and discuss this. You won't be able to say what you really feel, as deep down you'll feel intimidated and anxious.

You're young, who knows what the future holds. He's not the last chance saloon.

beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 21:51

Twinkle I think if you're anxious about meeting him in person a simple text telling him that you're no longer interested in a relationship with him will do it... you don't need to explain yourself to him, you don't owe him any explanations... just a simple

'I won't be meeting you Monday, I'm no longer interested in a relationship with you'

FestiveNut · 29/12/2018 21:51

Why can't he move to your city but get his own place? Then he'll be closer but you won't be trapped.

beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 21:54

Thing is twinkle, if you say you need time.. he may think there's an opening there to get back in and therefor not accept what you're saying.

You need to try and be 100% firm with him.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 21:55

He has asked me to meet him on Monday, not sure now if it’s a good idea to go. I thought I could go and tell him everything but I’m not sure now.

He knows he can manipulate you in person and on the phone. He knows this. You haven't been able to tell him a thing much less anything. You are not able to assert yourself with this man or anyone else. You really shouldn't be in a relationship at all at this point. You're far too vulnerable.

WisdomOfCrowds · 29/12/2018 21:56

Oh snap Twinkle, mines a fucking academic as well. And I also gave up my career and relocated for him as there was "no way" he could get a job in my city. Seriously pal, don't be me.

Sisterlove · 29/12/2018 21:57

He gets worse with every post from you.

If you were my friend, I'd say to end it. There's far too many red flags.

He's 34... What's his rush.

Please take your time and I agree with telling him it's moving too fast for you. He's talking about selling his house ... he's only known you 8 months

Do not become in any way dependent on this man.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 29/12/2018 21:58

Twinkle, you mentioned that you don't have a great relationship with your family. I wonder if exploring that might help. This book by Oliver James describes how your childhood affects your adult relationships (both friendships and romantic relationships). It goes into detail about how your childhood experiences dictate your attachment style - I.e. what you expect from other people and what you're attracted to, and why we do illogical things like chase after the wrong person. Basically, we're damned to repeat the past until we understand it. It might be useful for you.

www.amazon.co.uk/They-You-Up-Survive-Family/dp/0747584788?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I wish you all the best. It does seem to me that your gut feeling is there, you're just not used to listening to it. Maybe doing the freedom programme and developing more friendships would be helpful for you.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 22:00

Those with abusive/controlling tendencies are frequently "insecurely attached".

Someone who is insecurely attached will latch on faster, and with more impulsiveness, than someone who is not: they've learned that the only way to know someone is around is to adopt a limpet stance.

This is a learned behaviour when a child. It is totally understandable then - and less so when the person grows up, because by this time, if they are to function well in a relationship, they should have learned to attach gradually, with some sense of themselves and their own autonomy.

His initial approach to you is in keeping with this, as is his impulsivity about wanting you to move in, and/or to move closer to you, ignoring your wishes to take it more slowly.

I wonder what his own birth family was like, and what his experience was growing up. The reason I wonder about this is that those of us who came from dysfunctional families often unintentionally seek out, or find ourselves with, those who also came from dysfunctional families. It's as if we have a specific jigsaw piece in our psyche that fits (far too) easily with someone else whose baggage matches ours.

This is why he approached you specifically. He won't know it, but there was something about you that he recognised and wanted to know. That something is his past. That something is also your past.

This is why you need the Freedom Programme, our counselling/therapy. These patterns are impossible to break alone because they are so deep that we don't know they exist. This is also why we can see them, and you can't: it is easy to spot when you're not involved, and impossible to identify when you are - hence women and men returning, time and again, to very similar, shitty relationships.

All the best.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:01

I don’t know if he’s playing mind games with me

He’s not stupid so I’m thinking that maybe him saying he will sell his house and move in with me in a couple of months is reverse psychology in an attempt to get me to reconsider my decision to not move in with him? I’m not sure as he did say it on the spot

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 22:02

*or counselling/therapy

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 22:02

I would cancel Monday, have a look at the freedom programme online - can someone post a link? I'm not techy Blush

You really need to take many steps back. Tell him you need space for a while. His reaction will be very telling.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 22:03

Thank you seagreen

If I’m honest, I feel like my childhood has everything to do with the type of relationship I end up being in

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 22:04

Twinkle, hello?! He lied to you! He lied to you about something huge, your and your kids' lives to try to manipulate you into giving up all security to move in with him.

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