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Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 29/12/2018 21:10

8 months and he is implying he wants you to move in sooner rather than later...red flags all over it

JudasPrudy · 29/12/2018 21:10

Don't do it mate. If he's a good man he will wait for you until you are all ready. I'd give it years, not months, where vulnerable young children are involved.

nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 21:14

I came on to post the same question. I'm guessing he's only met them a couple of times OP? You said yourself he prefers to see you when they're with their dad. I suspect you think we'll pile in if this is the case. It won't be a pile in, just another highlighting of how this man is rushing things along at 100 miles an hour.

You posted a while back that you thought he could be an abuser but you were pretty sure he wasn't a paedo. That's hardly a ringing endorsement for a man you're in a relationship with.

nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 21:14

Sorry - abusive, not an abuser.

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 29/12/2018 21:16

Me and DH got married after 10 years of living separately as we wanted to wait for all our children to grow up a bit more (his 4 and my 2). Even after getting married we didn't move in together for another 2 years, primarily because I got diagnosed with bc 2 days after getting wed, and I hate being ill around anyone, and also we wanted to find the right house together.

If it's right, then he'll wait and it will work. He needs to get to know your kids and vice versa, properly. You both need to know each other inside and out before leaping in. I sometimes actually miss the separateness and my own space, so appreciate getting to know yourself as well.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:17

Twisted - apologies I missed your post earlier

He treats them well. He’s quite a funny person so does stupid things and makes them laugh. Very different to ther father who was always shouting/angry etc

He has met them on a number of occasions

Queen - yes he does prefer to meet when the children are with their dad. He says it can be overwhelming for them

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:17

Sorry posted to soon

He says it can be overwhelming for them which of course makes me wonder why he thinks he can move in within the next two months

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 29/12/2018 21:18

Jesus I only saw one message when I wrote the first reply..... Run for the hills and do the freedom programme asap.

You're a sitting duck for predatory/abusive men....You must learn to be on your own, set healthy boundaries and fine tune your red flag radar before you even consider another relationship/dating.

This is extremely important for the abusive relationship pattern to end, and to ensure the future safety and stability of you and your children.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 29/12/2018 21:18

Because no abuser could be nice to the kids and want to win them over 🤔

I'm not saying he is an abuser but you are not giving things a chance to run their natural course

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 21:18

@TwistedStitch

Hmmm.....seems so.

OP we are not ganging up on you although it may seem that way! we are genuinely concerned. I can understand how you were swept off your feet by this man, especially as you have lost contact with your friends, and were treated appallingly by your former 'D'H. You are extremely vulnerable in this scenario, and probably thought you were in for a fresh start with a new man. Sadly, you are not. Freedom programme, some sort of social life and firm boundaries will be your fresh start.

Then you will be in a postion to date, and find a decent man who will respect your decisions.

TwistedStitch · 29/12/2018 21:19

Apologies OP, it sounded like he hadn't seen much of them. The thing is if he prefers to meet when they are with their Dad how does he think living with them full time would work?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:19

Can I please say that I had no idea that he wanted to move in with me so soon, that was from the convo we had today. It’s like he just randomly said it on the spot when I said I don’t think it’s wise for me to move to him

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 21:20

Why does he think it's overwhelming for them? The youngest wouldn't have any appreciation of his relationship to you, and the oldest not a lot more.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 21:22

Ah - cross post but yeah how can he move in with them in a few months if he thinks being with them even a short time is overwhelming for them....

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 21:23

He’s an expert on your children’s emotions now, too, is he? And think it’ll be fine for them if he moves in, despite the fact that they’re ‘overwhelmed’ by short encounters?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:24

Yes queen that’s what I thought

I feel as though he said it in a panic. I’m really not sure because honestly just the other day he said within a year would me good to move and not earlier and today randomly he was saying he’ll try and get the job and move within the next couple of months. I don’t know if he was being serious as it doesn’t seem logical now that I think of it, as he would have to sell his house/ rent it and surely that would take some time...

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 21:25

So he was thinking on the hop when you said you didn't want to move to his home city. Again, not listening to you.

WisdomOfCrowds · 29/12/2018 21:29

Ahhh sorry MsLucyLastic I just typed out a mega long reply to you and then my browser crashed and I don't have the strength to retype it. The gist of it was that you may be right but even among men who I love, my brothers, my closest friends, I have never ever met a man who truly held the interests of the women in their lives as important as their own. Every one of them has in their own way used the women around them to get a leg up, either by sitting back and letting them cook and clean every day even when they work demanding jobs, or by encouraging them to become a SAHM or give up work for other reasons, or by insisting they relocate away from their support networks. Every single man I know has in some way had his success facilitated by a woman who has in turn been disadvantaged. None of them are abusive, all of them truly love their partners, they never set out to disadvantage them, but when you get right down to the grit they had their own interests first and foremost and they didn't really care if they trod on a few women on the way.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 21:29

I feel your DC would take a back seat if you moved him in. So far back they would barely register.

PaleRider1 · 29/12/2018 21:30

After only 8 months dating, no man would be meeting my child let alone moving in with him.

This chap is calling all the shots, he’s not even meeting you half way. Be very wary, he knows you’re vunrable with young children, he’s questioning what you’re up to when he isn’t about. You will be very isolated if you were to move to a new city and live with him. Not so easy to end it and get out with young children and no home to call your own.

Keep your independence, stay where you are, your own home. I’d give the dating a miss, enjoy being yourself, enjoy your children. Keep yourself and your children safe.

nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 21:31

I'm older than you OP, and my children are older than yours. I had an emotionally abusive relationship when I was much younger, luckily no children. I was single for a while after, but probably not quite long enough. I then had a long largely happy relationship and had my dc. However, what I had learnt from first time around meant I left my dc's dad when I knew it was the right thing to do.

Fast forward almost 4 years. Single the whole time, have never sought a relationship. Great circle of friends, new job, retraining for a new career. I have peace of mind, a calm home, my life is on my terms. My dc have not had to share me with someone else whilst they adjust to their new situation, nor get to know somebody they may not really like. I don't have to worry about blending two families or whether they are safe around a new man.

I know that the above is not for everyone, and that many people meet new partners, blend families and it can work. What I'm saying is that the alternative can also work. It's actually bloody great. I didn't expect to be in this position, but I've embraced it and made a life I enjoy.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:32

Today the convo went like this:

Him - I hate that you live there and me here. Wish you were closer

Me - talking about moving, I don’t think I’d be ready to move to you would you be willing to move here

( I said that after reading the posts on here)

To which he randomly said that he had an offer from when he did his post grad here and he will contact them to see if the offer still stands and then move in. I said no don’t contact anyone yet, let’s stick to our plan of living apart for a year and then after a year you can look for a job here

To which he said he will contact the person and move here within the next couple of months IF the job is available and pays well

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 21:34

There you go. NOT LISTENING TO YOU.

beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 21:36

He totally ignored you OP... you need to tell him a firm NO...

A normal person wouldn't be willing to sell their home and move in with a person they've only just met... especially a person who was just saying 'we should wait a year'

He seems to think he can just do what he likes regardless of your wishes...

Are you scared of upsetting or losing him?

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 21:38

Are you afraid of him, OP? Why weren’t you clear that you absolutely do not want to move in together any time soon?