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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 20:33

It's what Anyfucker said. We are incredulous at the shit you've been swallowing. I know survivors of abusive relationships are vulnerable - but with each post new and bigger red flags pop up. I apologise if this doubt has hurt you - I don't post to cause any OP upset.

Please just ditch this man. He doesn't have you or your DC best interests at heart, to put it mildly.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:35

No honestly the doubt hasn’t hurt me. It’s just made me realise what an absolute idiot I’ve been this whole time. I know I rushed into things once my previous relationship ended and this idiot made me happy so I just overlooked a lot of things

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 29/12/2018 20:36

Twinkle,

I wouldn't move cities for a new man in anything under 2 years. And I have no dependants and I'm quite rich. To think to do it with two young children and no escape plan is really foolish. Please reconsider.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 20:37

It's not too late to take the control back, love

You are in charge of your life, not him

TwistedStitch · 29/12/2018 20:38

So he has no relationship with your kids but thinks he can move in with them in 2 months? Has he even met them?

Fontofnoknowledge · 29/12/2018 20:39

Twinkle2019
I think you have to be very careful about asking questions like this on MN. It can turn someone in happy relationship into a paranoid loon seeing paedophiles and abusers at every turn . Many many people on here have come from very unhappy and sometimes horrific relationships and that can colour the view of the advice you get.
Honestly if you went by this thread you would honestly believe that any woman with children should remain a celibate spinster until their children were 18 and then ONLY introduce a love interest when they had known and liked him for at least 5 yrs ! Most of the advice is completely over the top and doesn't seem to acknowledge your need for an adult relationship.
It is ok to fall in love.
He may not be a predatory paedophilic, misogynist abuser. He may just be a guy who married the wrong woman and called it a day.
He may be a guy who fell head over heels in love with you and wants to be together. !

Try not to let these posts ruin your relationship.
It's like some women don't want other women to be happy .

There are some sensible posts and some excellent steps you should take before going further.

  1. Definitely do the freedom programme. It will help you recognise what is and isn't a good healthy relationship.
  1. Take some more time. There is no 'magic' amount of time. But knowing each other at least a year would be best.
  1. Go stay with him WITH the children. See how he gets on with them on the weekends they are in your care. Do this for at least 6 months so that you can see how he is with them when it becomes 'normal' . Have him come stay at yours a couple of times a week for the same reason. That way you can all be together 7/9 days out of 14 . That will give you an idea of their interaction. It's hard for people who have never lived with kids. Especially young ones. HE may not like it.
  1. Do not give up your own house in this time.
  1. If all goes well. Then get married. Do not accept anything less. That way you have automatic housing rights IF it goes wrong. If he loves you enough to want children DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WITHOUT A RING ON YOUR FINGER ! If he's not prepared to marry then he isn't sincere in his feelings.

I'm definitely not saying you are selfish . I am saying enjoy your happiness but take sensible steps to protect yourself and children.

Dad doesn't really figure as you have said - nothing about his access will change. Good luck !

(I met my now DH in December. Moved him in in April. (With my 3 kids) Married him 18 months later 12 yrs ago) sometimes it just works.

VI0LET · 29/12/2018 20:39

Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s much easier to see these things from the outside.

If you have been in one abusive relationship, you are alert for the same kind of abuse next time,. But you tend to be blind to a different type of abuser.

I’ve been caught out like this myself and I bet I’m not the only one on this thread.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:41

I overlooked a lot of things because his approach is very different to what I thought was normal controlling behaviour - he doesn’t constantly message me, isn’t always calling me etc and does leave me to it for most of the time. I thought from previous experience an abuser would be constantly in my face and constantly needing to speak to me but he hasn’t been like this

I know I have a lot of learning to do

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 20:45

Just get rid of him! Don't wait, either. And then do NOT date again (did you meet him online? I'm guessing you did) until you have had a lot of time out, done the Freedom Programme and spent a lot of time working on your self-esteem. You owe it to your kids.

You don't owe this guy anything. You can split off with him for any reason at all however you like. You can ghost him, send him a text, email, whatever. As he's manipulative, I'd actually strongly recommend NOT ending it face-to-face or even on the phone. People like this twist things round and manipulate their target into prolonging the relationship.

A simple, 'I've given this all a lot of thought. I am NOT in any way ready for a serious relationship at this time, much less a live in one. I need to focus on my kids, myself and my goals on my own, so I'm ending this relationship. This is not negotiable and I'm sure you'll respect my decision, myself being an intelligent adult, and move on. I want no further contact. Best of luck in the future. OPx'

And then you block him.

TwistedStitch · 29/12/2018 20:46

(I met my now DH in December. Moved him in in April. (With my 3 kids)

That explains why you seem keen to minimise the massive red flags the OP has posted- it can't be nice to hear how reckless it is to move your kids in with a man you've known 5 minutes when it's something you've done yourself. It's not very fair to the OP though.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:47

Thank you for your post font

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 20:48

There's always some abuse apologist in the bunch Hmm.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:49

Thebarone - I didn’t meet him online. He seen me in a coffee shop in my city and approached me and asked me am I single etc he then said he wanted to get to know me and mentioned he’s not from here. I took his number and messaged him not really thinking much of it...

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:50

I didn’t want to say how I met him as I’m aware how it can look

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 29/12/2018 20:50

OP how does he treat your kids? How often has he met them etc? He wants to move in with them in 2 months- what sort of relationship has he nurtured with them?

WisdomOfCrowds · 29/12/2018 20:55

Aw Twinkle, it's so fucking difficult. Like lots of others commenting on this thread I've escaped my own abusive relationship and I can truly empathise with not spotting the red flags because they weren't the same red flags as the end stage abuser. My ex fiancé was the absolute perfect man at first. He moved in very fast without asking me, just went out one day and came home with all his stuff. Gave me a hard stare as if daring me to say anything. I didn't, I just told myself it was cool. Within 2 years he was threatening to kill me. The next guy I went out with after him wasn't abusive, but he was a twat. A cold, rude, selfish, manchild - but because he wasn't smashing up my stuff or dictating my outfits I thought it was the best relationship that anyone had ever been in ever. And the guy after him was less bad again but still pretty shit. And so on and so on. Each time I couldn't see the flags because the yardstick I was measuring a good relationship against was so fucked. Now, 10 years later I have 2 children to my partner and am just starting to notice the red flags in this relationship, the one I finally thought I'd got right. I wonder if I'll ever have my eyes properly open to controlling men, and if my partner and I seperate I will never ever have another relationship. I just can't trust my judgement with men and I won't risk bringing an abuser into my children's lives. I'm not saying you have to stay single forever, but I think you should leave this guy and stay single for a good long while. I'm thinking in the order of years. Before you date again have therapy, as much of it as you can afford. You can't trust them, none of us can. They don't have our best interests at heart. Not even the "nice" ones. So before you invite another one into your life, be sure you have the tools to put him out again just as quickly if you need to.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 29/12/2018 20:59

I think people are suggesting it may be fake because some of the things you are saying about your dp would have most folk running for the hills not uprooting your small dc running towards it.

But there is a reason that statistically a victim of domestic abuse is more likely to get in another dysfunctional relationship. Things become skewed and red flags become less obvious.

I think the OP has come on here questioning herself because she probably thought things aren’t 100% right, then she’s had people point out things which she probably never noticed before or passed it off as harmless,because he seems to be the opposite of her ex, and now things are connecting together.

Sorry if I’m speaking for you OP, I could be 100% wrong.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:01

Wisdom - thank you for your post

With my ex partner, he was very very aggressive and very violent

This may sound stupid but this new partner really makes me laugh / smile with the stupid things he does and he’s just so different to ex in personality that I believe I had overlooked red flags in other areas

OP posts:
MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 21:01

Wisdom that does a disservice to the many nice men out there. The problem is, we are attracted to what seems familiar and comfortable to us. When that is abuse then we are attracted to abusers.

Nice men "do" have our best interests at heart. Even though we have divorced, my exH has mine and our DDs beat interests at heart. My new DP has our best interests at heart too.

The trick is to never settle for less than great behaviour and untmost respect from a man. Know your worth. If they are anything other than damn appreciative of you and respectful of your boundaries, dump and move on.

Just because you haven't been in a relationship with one doesn't mean that good men don't exist.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 21:02

Captain - you’re 100% right. I couldn’t have put it better myself

OP posts:
MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 21:03

Twinkle it is perfectly understandable that you want to believe the best in someone so overlook red flags.

But please wait until there are no red flags to overlook. Then you have found a good one.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/12/2018 21:04

This smacks of something dodgy to me. Don't expose you're children to someone you don't know.....Dear god alarm bells Confused

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 29/12/2018 21:04

Fontofnoknowledge

Sometimes it does work, often times it doesn’t. Include the fact that she is a survivor of an abusive partner means it has less chance of working and a bigger chance of it being another bad relationship.

She should take it slow and if he’s the right guy, he will wait and understand.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 21:07

You have avoided the questions about his man and your DC (unless I missed it) How much time has he spent with them? You said he preferred to meet up with you when they were with their father?

TwistedStitch · 29/12/2018 21:08

I'm guessing he hasn't met them.