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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 20:03

how does he know what I am doing

Oh my fucking god. OP are you for real? You've left one controlling relationship and now want another???????

Monr0e · 29/12/2018 20:04

OP, he sounds worse with every post, what on earth does he think you are up to with 2 small children at home?

You still haven't said how he gets on with your DC's, do they like him? Did you all spend time together at Christmas?

FestiveNut · 29/12/2018 20:04

DBS checks mean nothing except that he's never been caught. The point is that after only eight months, you don't know enough about him. An act can be kept up for that long, easily.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 20:05

Ok

Until now I thought it might be ok for you to continue to develop the relationship, albeit a lot slower

Now I think you must end it

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2018 20:07

What AnyFucker said.

"He is rushing as he has previously said things like he doesn’t know what I’m up to after I come home from work, if we live aprt how does he know what I am doing, that he likes to see his partner when he comes home etc"

Massive red flag right there!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 20:08

Please, for the sake of your kids, just stop it and do not date again at alluntil you've done the Freedom Programme and then some because you are very vulnerable.
^^^^
THIS
Just stop

MrsTerryPratcett · 29/12/2018 20:08

I'm with AnyFucker

More red flags than Tiananmen.

Youbrokemytwatometer · 29/12/2018 20:10

What's your social life like outside of this relationship? Do you see your friends?

MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 20:11

he doesn’t know what I’m up to after I come home from work, if we live aprt how does he know what I am doing, that he likes to see his partner when he comes home etc

Fucking hell OP. He is a controlling fucker. This REALLY doesn't bode well, for you or your DDs.

If one of your DDs was in your situation, with a man like this in her life, wouldn't you think that she could do better?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:12

No, I don’t have any friends

When I was with my ex partner, my friends all drifted away from me. I don’t have a great relationship with my family and literally have no friends

OP posts:
FestiveNut · 29/12/2018 20:12

he doesn’t know what I’m up to after I come home from work, if we live aprt how does he know what I am doing, that he likes to see his partner when he comes home

How many red flags do you need?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:14

He hasn’t explicitly said it like how I’ve wrote it but some of the things he has said can be interpreted as him meaning what I’ve said

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 20:16

Reading each of @Twinkle2019's responses is like watching a car crash is slo mo. I'm half expecting this thread to pulled as fake. It's almost unbelievable how naive she is.

MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 20:16

The worst thing is, he clearly thinks his behaviour is ok. He isn't even trying to hide the fact that he a) doesn't trust you, b) wants to know what you are doing at all times and c) has no respect for your boundaries and feelings.

He is TELLING you this blatantly in word and deed.

And this is after only 8 months. What do you think he will be like when he has your feet under his table?

You can do so much better than this. Honestly. Good men are out there. Ones who aren't abusive in ANY way.

This guy sounds a dreadful man to bring into the lives of your DD's. Please put them first and ditch the fucker.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 20:17

My strong advice to you is to dump this loser, cultivate your female friends or make new ones and do the Freedom programme

Spend a good amount of yime building up your defences, look after your daughters and forget dating. You are in grave danger of getting sucked in to another abusive relationship. But all is not lost....something made you post here and that was a good move. There is hope for you.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MsLucyLastic · 29/12/2018 20:21

Twinkle, it's better to be on your own than living in a nightmare. That is what this guy has written all over him.

Maybe concentrate on rebuilding your own friendship network, and your self esteem. And only then think about bringing a man into your life. One who is worthy of you, and tells you every day how damn lucky he is to have you. And wouldn't dream of treating you badly because he wouldn't dare risk losing you.

You find the man who is worthy of you AFTER you have found your own self worth.

If you feel lonely, you can always post here and find someone to talk to. You can PM me anytime you like.

This man isn't your happily ever after.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:22

Queen - I can assure you that this is not fake. Some of the responses on this thread have given me food for thought and looking back i can see how I’ve been naive and stupid but his approach has been completely different to that of my ex partners. Which is why I initially did not think that he could be abusive

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 20:23

AnyFucker I'm so shocked I didn't think of reporting it myself! if it's real, it's terrifying.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:25

Thanks for reporting it. I thought I could come onto an online forum to ask for advice which I have been given and to then assume I’m being fake? Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:28

In case this thread does get taken down due to people reporting it, I would like to say that this post was 100% genuine and I would like to thank you all for taking the time out to respond to me. Honestly, today I didn’t think that he could be an abuser my main concern was with my living arrangements but I have had so much to think about. Yes I am naive. Yes I am stupid. I am signing up to the freedom thing

OP posts:
Lifeofsmiley · 29/12/2018 20:29

I think people are suggesting it may be fake because some of the things you are saying about your dp would have most folk running for the hills not uprooting your small dc running towards it.
If you have been in an abusive relationship before aren’t your spidey senses ringing off the scale?

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 20:30

If there is nothing to suggest the thread is fake it will not be taken down.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:32

He hasn’t said the things i mentioned explicitly. He Has said things which would imply that is what he meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 20:33

Anyfucker - ok I wasn’t sure how it works

OP posts: