Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

His Mum battling Cancer should be the wake up call you need.

Life is far too short to waste. Ask him to leave now.

To be honest if the situation was reversed and it was your Mum who was ill do you truly think he would wait around? He'd be out the door onto his next adventure.

It is nothing more than an administrative task at this point. It’s business.

You have an awesome house/assets off your own sweat, discipline and intellect. This bloke represents a huge swarm of termites that will, without a doubt, chew away your financial stability from the inside out. You know this. You didn’t dump him over the holidays- you have been nice.

The timing is bad...so?
They will call you a bitch...so?
They won’t like you anymore...so?
They will tell anyone who will listen what a heartless, frigid, selfish, etc etc you are...again: so what?
Those people don’t know you. Those people don’t have a horse in this race.

Those people will only participate for the gossipy entertainment it will provide for about five seconds. Do not internalize this- at this point it isn’t about you anymore...it is their need to have a meltdown/tantrum because someone said “No” to them.

Their reaction is on them, not you. You can not control their reaction. You must not let their reaction, whatever it may be, control you.

Write two or three lines, rehearse rehearse rehearse... then just do it. Repeat broken record style- not up for debate, no negotiation, no time delay, but, but, but

I agree with his moving home to help his mum is an opportunity for you to use.

Today. Go! You got this!

Really hope you find what you need to end this you sound so miserable. You sounds like an amazing lady in all areas of your life but seem stuck here. It's awful news about his mum, so say you stay while treated, it could be years. You could then be mid 30s. Then you could be thinking I'm too old no one else would want me? He won't change, promises can be made and broken, or worse you marry him and he becomes even worse financially and emotionally. Do you want children with him? Do you see him as a father figure. You know what to do....
YOU are in a great financial position for going it alone, much more that some that you read of on these boards. You probably have more emotional support than you think. You can do this!

Just tell him. His mum being ill again is horrible but so is being with a gambler who treats you badly and stops you finding someone who wants a proper relationship and to have a family with you. He has told you he doesn't want to commit to you, so he can't be truly happy in the relationship if that's the case. You need to set him free so he can be true to himself, he can focus on his mum at an important time for her and you can get your life back ( rather than being a bit part player in his). Be brave OP, don't let him use you any more.

OP I agree with others, you still need to get rid of him.

Tank to your mum too x

I'm currently sitting in my house... Alone. After reading this thread probably 20 times through last night when I couldn't sleep, I finally plucked up the courage and told him I couldn't go on feeling this way and we needed to be apart. He didn't even put up a fight and has taken his things to his mums.

I feel broken, lonely and the house feels empty. I can't stop crying yet I also feel a sense of pride. I finally stood up for myself and put myself first for the first time in my life. Thank you all so much for your words of support. I know I never would have done it otherwise.

Please tell me this bit gets easier?

That’s great news. Yes, it will get easier. It will get easier faster if you have minimal contact with him. There are support threads in relationships for people wanting to avoid contact with exes.

It will get easier I promise. It feels like the end of the world at the moment but there is a bright, new, exciting world out there waiting for you when you are ready.

Let yourself wallow and grieve for a short while then go grab life by the balls.

Well done for picking short term pain and long term gain.

Well done to you. What a strong woman. Take some time for yourself to restore and recover. You will get through this.....and your new shiny life is just around the corner waiting for you when you are ready.

Yes , it gets easier. What you are feeling is completely normal! Heck, my ex was abusive, I kicked him out and I STILL had my moments of tears.

You are grieving for the dream of what you thought your life would be. Not the actual man. The dream. And that's ok. We're entitled to grieve our lost dreams.

So go ahead and cry. But not too long. Then dry your lovely eyes, give yourself a shake and march head held high into your new bright future!

Just going to leave this here for you, save it and read in moments of doubt... I do the same. 28 and going through divorce but things do and will get better. Xx

@missbee90 thank you so much, I have saved that to my phone and know that I will look at it so much over the next few days!

He has already text a '' but constantly online on WhatsApp so clearly isn't that bothered.. probably lining up his next one already!

I'm going to stay at my mums tonight, the house just doesn't feel right at the minute.

Thank you so much ladies, you are amazing

Well done! Yes, it will get easier. As Across said, you're grieving the dream you had, not the reality, so allow yourself to grieve for a while. Really wallow, eat chocolate, drink wine, stay in PJs at the weekend and watch sad films.

And then, in a few weeks, start looking for groups to join. Catch up with old friends. New year, new life. Spring is coming, when the plants start to bud up and blossom, and you can too.

But, whatever you do, don't go back to him. He won't change, and you'll be back to having to go through all this pain, all over again. Don't do that to yourself.

You'll get through this. Life WILL be better.

You’re welcome, surround yourself with your family and friends, we’ve been separated 6 months now and my mum still stays over a few nights week for company. I promise you things will get better, you’ll meet someone who deserves you and you’ll feel amazing xx

@missbee90 you sound like you are doing brilliantly! Lots of love to you xx

Well done!! It will get easier, I promise.
Have a cry and feel that relief!! You've said you feel relieved......take that in! That's not the end of a good relationship if you feel relieved, that's the end of a shit relationship.
Onward and upward!!

What ever happens you'll be ok.
Bring that confidant woman you are in the work place home with you.
I was just like you.
Wonderful and strong at work not so much out of work.
So fake it till you make it.
Good luck x

Well done, It's real, it will take a while to accept/adapt.
Confide in your Mum, keep busy, go to netball, contact a few old friends....
Don't answer his calls, he will just pile on the guilt, excuses, blame
If you feel it's appropriate, send a message to his parents, & tell them there have been difficulties for a while, & that you are sorry to upset them at this time.
It will get a little better every day

Well done - it will get easier and you will meet someone much more deserving

Of course you’re going to be sad, and it’s going to fee weird. You had plans for that house that included being married to him, and he was stringing you along. When you get back, maybe paint or redecorate a bit if you can - mark your territory in a way to remove his opinions. Make it solely yours. Do some projects that he’s been putting off. I imagine you would have had to earn them too. Get a lodger in to help pay the mortgage if you need to. (Be selective and careful - get a very carefully worded agreement signed, etc....) The world is your oyster!

Aw bless - that was brave of you OP and from everything you said the right move. Hard, but right. Be gentle with yourself

I haven't read all posts (tired, going to bed soon).

Don't commit! Enjoy what you have with him while you are still enjoying it. Look elsewhere.

He might settle down with you after a while, or not.

Be independent and live your life.

Oh well done! This is the horrible bit, it will get easier! Welcome to the rest of your beautiful life without this loser.

Well done! It absolutely will get easier.

Fantastic quote from MissB above.'

Work on your self esteem & build up your friendships again. I hope your enjoying netball. While you were with the ex your needs were not being met & you were wasting your time.
Now that you are single you have great possibilities ahead of you. When you feel ready to rage again remember you deserve a guy who treats you well & has the same goals

This is your first step to finding the relationship that does mean marriage and children. It hurts now, but what you wanted and needed for the future and what he wanted and needed for the future didn't match. Better for both of you to move on. Be gentle with yourself, and then move on to the future.