Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

@Minniemee tell him to get out! You will never find better with that bum laying around! Plenty of amazing guys out there looking for an amazing woman like yourself....

Wow @Notcoolmum I'm so sorry that you have been through all that. You sound like such a fantastic mum and a strong person and that has resonated so much with me. I really hope your excuse for an XHB crawls back under a rock and leaves you all alone- best of luck for your dating ventures.

@another20 thank you so much for those words about me, they were so lovely to read. I'm lucky to come from a really close family and am very close to both my mum and my dad. My mum is my best friend and I can tell her anything, although I haven't told her about everything g as. I know she will kill him! They did separate when I was 14 which came as a complete shock to me and my brother as they had always got on and we never saw them argue- fast forward 14 years and they are still good friends, not divorced, live apart but we always come together for Christmas dinner- they both supported each other through their parents passing. My brother and I are lucky as both sides of the family get on too. The only thing I could think of for my low self- esteem is that I never really had a relationship until I was about 16. At school I was always one of the 'geeky' kids, and with red hair often got called names? Probably Insignificant?

I just don't want to be known as the girl who threw out her boyfriend whilst his mum was battling cancer- it makes me feel awful. But it's not because I'm clinging on to the relationship- I honestly think if I got home from work one night and find he had upped and left I would breathe a sigh of relief because I haven't had to sit down and tell him I want him to leave, knowing he is fully capable of making me think it's all my fault or my paranoia.

Thanks ladies

Thank you OP. His mums illness was one of the reasons I samyayed fkr so long. Don’t let it be the reason you waste more years of your life on him. He wouldn’t do the same for you.

Good luck whatever you decide. Honestly being single is fine. And I’m sure you wouldn’t be single for long.

Minniemee tell your Mum.

I think that you are too wedded to what “others” think of you - who are these people?

I think you can have a win-win situation here. You can legitimately claim you need some space to think about the future together (even if you know the answer). His mum need support - and from her son, not son's girlfriend. So he should move in with his parents.

The only thing I could think of for my low self- esteem is that I never really had a relationship until I was about 16.
I'd see this differently. I think that you already suffered from low self-esteem when you were 16, and that's why you thought that 16 was late to be having a relationship. In my books, 16 is quite early! Certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

From a girl who settled and had 3 kids with someone who didn't love me. It's also worse to hang in there. I wish I'd the guts to leave sooner and
Find someone special.

Don't be that girl,
Always living with regrets.

You've already bought a house, that is amazing, the world is your oyster at 29! Enjoy the hell out of it. And get rid of that twat. He's a lying scrounger who is using you.

I’m sorry to hear about his Mum and I’m sorry this is making you feel even worse about your decision.

However, you’re not happy, he knows you’re unhappy. He’s got you right where he wants you, so he’s fine.

Pull up your Big Girl Pants and get this done! It’s never going to be easy and there’s never going to be a ‘good’ time.

Just do it. Tell him that it’s not working and he should go to stay with his parents and he can make himself useful there helping them out.

You’re 29. It FEELS old to ‘start again’ I know. But it’s not, truly! Plus, every day you stay, you’re older 🤷🏻‍♀️ He’s not going to turn into a decent bloke, he’s going to remain the chancer he is.

Stop sticking with what you know, you are worth FAR more than this.

It’ll be hard, but you can do it. Get him told and be resolved not to take him back. Be brave and you’ll be amazed how quickly your life and self esteem improves.

It does sound like counselling could be helpful to you. I certainly got new ideas about where my character came from through my counselling; really interesting.

Your parents split up when you were 14. You probably felt quite down, even if you weren't able to process your feelings at the time. When you're feeling down, it's not unusual to look around for reasons why you are feeling bad. And sometimes we find one obvious reason and latch onto that, without seeing that there are other, more complicated reasons. People laughing at your hair is pretty obvious and easy to pinpoint. An interior struggle with feelings about parents divorcing, and maybe the superficially normal but subtly tense period prior to the divorce, and the fact that your parents are caught up in their own problems just as you enter puberty and need more support, is less obvious. Think of some of the changes that were happening in your life at that age.

When I had children, it was a huge revelation to me as it totally changed my view of what I had experienced growing up. I'd always felt embarrassed and ashamed of what I'd been like. I thought I was a stupid, ugly girl. My first proper relationship was at 23 😂 honestly. Then my children came along and my protective instinct kicked in: I could see them making mistakes and feeling stupid, but I knew they were just children, and not stupid but learning. Now I just felt bad for my young self, not getting much support or encouragement.

I hope you have the chance to go through that same revelation. You're really going to deny yourself that chance just in case some people you'd never have to see again might think you are horrible?

I just don't want to be known as the girl who threw out her boyfriend whilst his mum was battling cancer- it makes me feel awful.

Fine. Then keep him. Cos the mother is gonna be battling cancer for the next few years of your life. The best years of your life.

So wait until she's gotten the all clear - 5 years is it? Or until she passes away. And of course then you won't want to be known as the girl who threw out her bereaved boyfriend, right? So you'll have to keep him then too.

That's your other option.

You have to face the reality of a decision not to be "the bad guy". That's the reality. Hanging around for years and years.

I don't say this to be unpleasant, but because you clearly haven't thought it through - you want to freeze and do nothing. That's fine, but the cancer isn't going to go anywhere quick. So you have to get busy leaving, or get busy staying.

ever really had a relationship until I was about 16. I never had a real relationship lasting more than a few months until I was 29. Mostly because of similar 'not sure what I want but happy to string you along' guys. 29 is spring chicken. (been happily married for close to 10 years now).

You know what? His mum could probably do with his help right now. At her house.

This is a virtual slap OP. You are 29. You have your whole life ahead of you still and you want to waste it on this guy who doesn’t treat you right? You deserve more than that. I started over at 36. I now have a great partner that I’ve been with for 4 years and we’re expecting a baby. If I hadn’t got rid of my previous waste of space partner I would never have found out how a good loving relationship feels.

Be kind to yourself and kick his arse out. Use your single time to make friends and try new hobbies. Get out and join things. In time someone special will come along

There will never be a good time.

His mum could be ill for 5/10 years or die. Then someone else will be ill.

How long are you willing to wait?

The sooner you end this the better for everyone.

I really agree on there being no good time. If you’d have done it before new year, rather than choose to put his parents over your own happiness, you’d be free now.

So when is a good time? In a month? When his mum has the all clear. What if she did die (hopefully not) then when?

Are you happy to give up your best chance of a happy life and your child bearing years to keep other people happy?

Who are these people you are worried will judge you for ending the relationship? Your friends and your family? Or his friends and his family? Who really won’t be in your life after you have split up. Why is it that their opinion matters so much to you?

Why are you to be judged? Where is the judgement on him? The man who cheated on his gf whilst she was working hard to provide them with a future? The man who has deleted all your presence from his social media? The man who is gambling away your future? Who is hiding something from you? Who doesn’t want to commit to a future with a strong independent woman as he is hedging his bets and on the look out for something better?

What does it matter what "people" will think of you? Who are these people?

I was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago, I still have it, and I'm still here. Are you really willing to wait until you're nearly 40 before you finally give him the boot?

He's definitely got another woman, going by his recent actions. Why would you put up with that? Are you mad?

Yep, he is clearly not worried about coming across as a bastard!

You know most people really are so self absorbed that they won’t even think twice, or care, or give enough headspace, to judge your actions - so don’t be beholden to something that is not real.

I would also as others have said prioritise some therapy. There is no way that your parents splitting had zero impact. Possibly even more impact than where there had been conflicts - it must have been really hard for you to understand any of that - it must have left you wondering how long your family life was a front/farce/fake for. Maybe this is where you have got stuck emotionally - not knowing what is “real” and what is fake - not allowing yourself to feel, express and take action. Worried about what “others” think about your personal relationships.

You are a smart, determined, accomplished young woman - but you have a bit of an emotional wound that is holding you back. Take some time to prioritise looking into this and addressing it - after you have kicked out that loser who is exploiting this emotional vulnerability. Then you are full steam ahead for the wonderful life that you deserve.....and celebrate your unique Titian looks!

Oh and keep re reading this thread as many PP have predicted his response - the weeping, the proposal etc - don’t fall for it.

What another says. People are wrapped up in their own lives. No one really cares what you do. Other than you. Love your life for you. Please.

The feeling that you're not good enough comes directly from being in this relationship - every day you stay in it is a day where you tell yourself "I'm not good enough to get more than this".

I also think that if you opened up to your Mum or a friend or colleague - you would have to say very little as they would have already clocked him and got the measure of him. They are more likely to judge you negatively for being with this waste of space.

Hi, hoping can offer some form of advice... I’m 29 and currently going through a divorce .. my STBX was also terrible with finances and hid gambling from me and lied about crap all the time.. it’s ony come to light since he upped and left out of the blue one night. I know what you mean about feeling too old.. but we’re not, deep down I probably wouldn’t have ever left and yes I am heartbroken but I know deep down eventually I will meet someone who will treat me better. If there is one thing I have learnt, he won’t change .. sadly they never do. Don’t stay in a relationship that makes you doubt yourself and him, it’s better to end it now than end up divorced like moi! Xx

Although you don’t know it you are already known as the “person who had her life ruined by a loser”
So you now don’t want to be known as “the girl who threw out her boyfriend when his mum was battling cancer”

What other people think of your decision and its timing doesn’t matter.