Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

Well done! There are many internet strangers who are so proud of you right now! You deserve so much better.

Next step is really important - that you have zero contact, you don’t look at any SM etc, block and delete his number. Otherwise this will be more painful, protracted and messy that needs be - and you will get hurt again and again. So you need to put everything in place to emotionally protect yourself so that sooner rather than later you are embracing your new future.

Don’t fall for any stuff about his Mum - he will have anothe agenda - to get money out of you. I would also be vigilant in case there are any cards or debts to your home address. If there is another woman in the picture don’t feel less / not enough - be relieved that he has a distraction whilst you recover and get back on your feet rather than bleating and weeping at you to take him back. Wishing you well.

Oh wow minniemee I am so proud and relieved. Once you get through the first month it will be so much easier. He is a habit you have to break. Think of him like a smoker giving up. Be proud of yourself for every day you don’t communicate with him.

Please don’t take him back and remember from this thread the tricks he will use.

You are giving yourself the best chance of the life you wanted.

Sending you strength.

Thank you so much.

I have woken up today after having a full nights sleep and for the first time in I don't know how long I never had that pounding heart and the sheer feeling of waking up with anxiety.

I feel ok at the minute, know it will be like a rollercoaster over the next days/weeks and in an hour I might feel like jumping out of the bedroom window or going to stand outside his parents and shout up to the window but your support on here has been amazing so thank you X

It will be hard, but everyday will be a step nearer recovery, think of it as life saving surgery !
Do not get sucked back in, block his number, read emails if necessary, do not respond unless critical... He has just lost his meal ticket.
not surprisingly he will be thinking "she will back track, I just have to be cleverer the next time". Sorry to say this but he didn't want commitment, because he was using you, so remember that, when he lies, & cries, & promises.

He went without a fight, speaks volumes 🙄.

You will get through this. Breakups are never easy so expect all that emotional s**t in advance and know it's the norm.

Download the 'Meetup' app and get out there and distract yourself.

Download the free 'One Day' journal app and write out your feelings each day.

Google 'No Contact' and read up what it properly means.

Write down the sort of person you're looking for. What qualities would you like them to have?

Write down a list do 'dealbreaker' you won't tolerate in a relationship. Don't forget the 'Boundaries' list too.

Writing really helps you to get it all out and focus your attention on what you want moving forward.

Anyway, I think you'll be happier in the long run but it'll suck right now but you know that right?

Keep on keeping on, you got this!

Listen to your body. Next time you get that pounding heart and anxiety - stop, stand still, listen and look around to see who or what is causing it. I do think that your parents breakup and how it was handled has left you with some deep wounds and a tendency of denial and these need addressing - which you will as you are a smart confident cookie. Well done.

I have woken up today after having a full nights sleep and for the first time in I don't know how long I never had that pounding heart and the sheer feeling of waking up with anxiety.

There you go.
Now keep a calm head but hold onto that feeling.
It's real and it's the beginning of your new life.
Like pp have said your parents divorce will have effected you.
You said there was never any argument but people don't split up because they are happy.
Underneath it there must have been some underlaying tension
Between them.
You as a child would have picked up on it. It would have confused you.
We base our own relationships on the ones we see.
Your parents marriages was not a good Template.
Ring 'lets talk well bring ' on the NHS. They will be able to assess you over the phone and help you get the right sort of help.
I did CBT - brilliant

I have woken up today after having a full nights sleep and for the first time in I don't know how long I never had that pounding heart and the sheer feeling of waking up with anxiety.

And that's how you should feel. That's what normal is. Enjoy it! I bet that unbroken sleep has done you the world of good. It's when our bodies regenerates and heals, so the more nights you have like that, the better you will feel, in mind and body.

I have woken up today after having a full nights sleep and for the first time in I don't know how long I never had that pounding heart and the sheer feeling of waking up with anxiety.

I still remember that feeling and it's been 40 years since I kicked my exH out. The sheer bliss and happiness of knowing that I was safe in my house and there was no one there to upset me. Savour it. When you get down, remember it. And remember that your future lies before you.

I met now DH within a few years, married and had two sons. We're now retired together and 'living the life'. And none of it would have happened if I had not taken that first step and ridded myself of someone who was NOT making me happy and did NOT want to walk the same life path that I did.

Yes, you'll be on that roller coaster for awhile. But sooner than you think you'll be back on an even keel.

It will get better. I agree that your childhood experiences are being stirred around; but there may also be an element of separation anxiety. People think of this for youngsters, but I think it applies to adults in a sort of different context, iyswim.

New schedule and routine, get to know yourself again. Fill the void with positive all-about-you goodness.

Well done!

Well done for being string. It will take time to get over this and adjust to understanding the relationship as it was rather than the one you had hoped it would be. Take care of yourself....it's a grieving process.You will have good days and bad days but they will at least be based on how you feel rather than reaction to his mood, his uncaring behaviours. Pp advice re nc for you is good. Don't let him worm his way back in when he realizes the cushy gig that he's lost. If you have a burst of 'never again, new you' type energy a change of locks isn't a bad idea, also maybe some counseling..youve had a rough time. Take care of yourself. Very best wishes. 5LC

*strong not string!

Thank you @5LeafClover - the feeling ok and strong didn't last long. I haven't slept a wink and have just cried and cried. Why did this have to happen to me? I'm a good person and I tried to give him everything, why can't I be happy
Like everyone else- I keep looking at pictures on my social media and thinking I'm never going to find love like that and that I'm going to feel this lonely forever.

One bonus though I never contacted him.

It will take time but those feelings will pass.
Then work on your self esteem so you don't ever take shit like that again.

There are too many threads on here of women who have worked all their lives only to be left with nothing when they find out their husbands have gambled away everything or had massive secret debts.
Don't let that be you.

Ah the rollercoaster of break ups.

It’s probably to early for to find much comfort in the idea that he wasn’t good enough for you, and that you will find someone who is worthy of you. And that time heals all.

Deep down you know it, but the sadness is winning at the moment.

Well done on not contacting him. Indulge yourself for a while. Massages, movies, cake , books. Whatever you enjoy for you.

Then one day, a handsome man will walk past and you will be glad you are single and open to finding someone else.

Hugs op - breakups are so hard. I broke off my engagement 6 months before the day (immediately after we'd spent Christmas with my family) because of his behaviour, so sympathise with keeping a brave face on. It was horrible afterwards, for a few months if I'm no honest, but I remember that at about 3 months in I woke up one morning and felt noticeably better, for no apparent reason. A couple of years later I met someone (aged 28) and we're now married with 2 DC.

The following poem resonated with me: I didn't want to go back to him, but missed the feeling of security I used to have. It may help you

Coat - by Vicki Feaver

Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off
like a heavy coat.

Sometimes I have said
you would not let me
breathe or move.

But now that I am free
to choose light clothes
or none at all

I feel the cold
and all the time I think
how warm it used to be.

Well done love! Keep strong

The anxiety and emotions will fit and start over the next few days, this is normal and will calm soon, you won’t always feel this way. These are the emotions you need to process to heal yourself- there is no shortcut to this. It’s supposed to hurt because it IS sad when you are forced to give up on a relationship, and when you realise that it wasn’t ever going to work.

You can’t change people

This is the lesson you learn from this. He showed you who he was time and time again

You thought it was kind to give him time to change, but it wasn’t ever going to happen.

You have your life ahead of you, and the space to shine. I PROMISE you that you will find happiness

You are an extremely amazing young woman who has achieved so much, inspite of this dead weight! You are a kind and caring person, of course there is someone out there who is perfect for you. But you’ll never find him if this bloke is anywhere near you. Now he’s gone, invest all the time you had propping him up onto rebuilding yourself, telling yourself how cool and amazing you are and then you’ll see what’s absolutely obvious to everyone here, even through just your words on a screen!

The next and first relationship you need to be in is with yourself. Good luck lovely!

There are a few things that can help, revamp your home/bed room, new sheets for example, new throw on sofa, move the furniture around. Spring clean generally, clear out cupboards, tidy kitchen....
Throw out any toiletries of his.
Go & get a new hair cut or new colour.
Go to get a facial, after work instead of rushing home. Infact any after work activity is good, swim, gym, netball, contact old friends. a quick message on fb, asking how they are, would love to see them etc.
Looking at old pictures is self destructive at this stage.

You will grieve for what might have been. I left a very abusive marriage and still grieved for months..not everyday but there were low days. Thankfully you have no legal ties to him which makes no contact possible.

One day you will realise that you haven't cried for a while and then you will know you have recovered. The future will be very bright for you and just set your bar high so that you meet someone who deserves you.

@ContessaIsOnADietDammit thank you so much for those words, I've read them a lot today.

Today has been the worst day of my life 😔 haven't been able to eat, and just have this empty feeling in my stomach. The house feels so empty. I've taken your advice and started a journal.

You are doing fine. You are coming to the end of day 3. It will be tough for sometime - but as others have said, do things that will distract and make it easier, as well as indulge your feelings of pain. You will
come through this - but it is exhausting in the early days - so be kind to yourself. Have you told friends and family - are they around to support?

I've just read your entire Thread, and wanted to add my support for your ending this relationship. I know it's painful and hard, but you will get through this OP, you deserve to be with someone who cherishes and loves you, not someone who sees you as a financial solution to his loser spending.

Hey now! It's all new for you. Of course you're having wobbles and tears. Rome wasn't built in a day nor will your new life be.

But you new life WILL be built, have no doubt about that.

I was living with a guy just like yours. Took me until I was 32 to leave. Met my husband to be at 33, and we have two gorgeous children together.
I can't believe I could have stayed with my ex and missed out in this life!