Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

I'm never going to find anyone who wants that with me.

OMG I have thought this so many times. I have felt it with commitment-phobe ex-boyfriends, I have felt it at other couples' engagement/housewarming/whatever parties, I feel it at big events where everyone else seems to be coupled up, I feel it when I see new baby photos, couples' holiday photos, when I go home and my sister is engaged and my parents are married 40+ years... BUT THE THING IS it is just a nasty little voice in my head playing on me feeling a bit lonely or a bit left out.

Yes, it can be tough yes I sometimes feel left out, but having/not having a partner is not something that is WRONG with me, it is that so far I have not found the person that I really click with (and I'm 32, university educated, gainfully employed, owns house, etc., so in a similiar situation).

Please take PP advice and do not stay with someone who does not make you feel valued or supported. Go to another netball session, make some friends, reconnect with old friends, plan a holiday, set up a professional project or take on some training or classes. Do anything that makes you focus on you and just how much you really are worth! I am rooting for you.

There is nothing wrong with you but plenty wrong with him! He's sucked the life out of you. When a man tells you the can't commit, believe it. I stupidly decided to ignore it too, now I'm paying the consequences and left nursing a shattered heart.

You have everything going for you and he has nothing.he is very lucky to have someone like you and will realise that when it's too late. He's taking advantage of you because you're letting him. Remember, we get what we accept.

You are stronger than you believe.

Regarding not being strong enough, it's really common to feel that way. You don't know how strong you are, until you've been through something, and come out the other side.

I reckon you're stronger than you think you are. Just look at what you've achieved so far with jobs, moving to another country on your own. I couldn't do that, especially moving to Dubai, with how they regard women. That must have taken guts.

Dig deep inside, and find that woman again. She's there, waiting to be you again, the fierce, brave, strong, independent you.

Unfurl your wings, and soar!

When you have been in a relationship for a while, of course it is difficult and painful to imagine life without them. But you had a life without him before and did some amazing things. You will do so again.

There are many, many women of your age in your situation who you can find friendship with. You haven’t done so to date because he has been there and you have invested all your time and energy in him and your relationship.

Create some space OP. Space for something new, someone different, someone better. They cannot come to you while he is in the picture. Ending your relationship with him creates the space for new energy and new people in your life. Your future is bright without him and you will make way for someone who does want the same as you.

Be brave.

I've been getting up the courage to talk to him and have sorted out my finances etc and told myself I would tell him this weekend I want him to leave- but I got home from work today go find his family round. My partners mum broke the news that her breast cancer has returned (she battled this 4 years ago). I'm distraught for her and my partner hasn't taken it well. I don't know what to do now- how can I tell him I want to end things and move back to his parents when they have this bombshell to deal with. It's all going wrong

Remember you're not breaking up with his mum. And (no offence) she will get over you. Not ideal for her to have her troublesome son moving back, But then again maybe it is if she is going to need any more help around the house etc whilst having treatment etc.

It's shitty timing. You can acknowledge that. But his mum having cancer isn't going to stop him gambling or fix your relationship. And how long are you willing to wait? Will it be better if you wait a year, really?

I do feel sorry for her, but she is not your responsibility, neither is he. And I think it'd be far crueler to let him think you had his back during his mum's illness and then break it off, potentially (God forbid) after she has died.

No time will be a 'good' time. And you are not breaking with him simply because you are 'bored' or whatever. He has lied and deceived you. He has quite possibly cheated on you. He has admitted that he does not want the same things in life you do (marriage/kids), and he let you think he did. He has brought this on himself.

"XXX, I've been thinking about this for quite some time and this is no longer working for me. I know this is not the best time for this and I'm sorry but for both our sakes, I can't put this off any longer. I will give you until to move out."

But I wouldn't give him very long, my assumption is that he'll be moving home so he really doesn't need much time for that.

You were advised to break up before New Year, but you put it off, because you were taking his parents away. Now we're already 10 days into January, and something else has come up.

There will never be a "right" time to tell him, so just do it now, like ripping off a plaster. He can help share the load of caring for his mum if he's living with them.

Stop making excuses and just get it over and done with.

I just feel like it would make me the worst person in the world if when I know he's struggling to cope with the news I then end it- I'm kicking myself because the other day he had asked what was wrong as I've been making any excuse I can to not be in the house and I had the prime opportunity then to just tell him to leave, but I said it was because he had told me he didn't want marriage/kids and his response was that he never said ever, just not right now as financially we aren't ready.

There will always be a reason not to do it. His mum has cancer. She could have cancer for years. You are 29. If you wait you could either be stuck with this user for another decade and lose your opportunity to have kids. Or worse, you could fall pregnant by accident. And no, that wouldn't be a 'happy' accident. It would tie you to this vampire forever. He's a gambler so when you eventually split (he'll use the fact that he never wanted kids as a stick to beat you with before and after you split) there will be no money from him. You'll be a single mum from day 1.

Nothing sucks at your self-esteem like living with someone like this. He's a vampire leaching your strength and reducing you to a shadow of your self. I'm sorry his mum is ill. But you need to save yourself!

You are just kidding yourself now. Come on, you know this relationship isn't good enough. Time to put your big girl pants on and kick him out, he will never make you happy. Don't use his mother's illness as an excuse.

OK so you are kicking yourself now that you didn’t do it a couple of days ago - so do it now before things get worse - you don’t want to be doing it when she is in the depths of chemo, surgery, radiation treatment, at a hospice, on her death bed, at the funeral, when he is grieving - this could take years and then you will be in deep and feel shit for ending it when you can’t take any more. In that time he will have drained you of your cash, your mental health and your chance to have children. Nice opportunity now for him to move back home and look after his Mum. Send him packing - firmly.

Do this right now. You are totally disingenuous to his mother, him and your self to live this lie. You will just build up massive resentment watching the clock tick so you can finish it. People don’t cope welll of behave well in relationships with the strain of something like this - you relationship doesn’t have the foundations to get through something like this - so if you don’t want to be that girlfriend that dumped her boyfriend at the hospice - get out now.

The stress will also send him back to gambling and bad behaviour. If he goes home are you supposed to finance his existence there and where you are now as he won’t work as he “cares” for his Mum.

You need to cut this one out, swiftly and neatly ASAP. Don’t worry tho - 100% he has someone lined up waiting in the wings to wipe his tears.

Just do it otherwise you are in for years of hell

Also spot his gaslighting and manipulation - about kids he says “he never said never” just some shit about not being financially sorted. He is keeping you on a string. HE will never be financially sorted these debt/gambler types never are - YOU are financially sorted - you need someone you equal who will be in a true partnership with you. Give yourself that opportunity. Get rid of him, get yourself some therapy to support (if you have private healthcare with you work you can use this) and connect back with old friends one on one - text one today.......then your lovely future is out there. Have you any family or friends that you can tell this to in RL?

I think this makes it easier, he can move back home and be a help to his Mum whilst she goes through this. He can help with cooking and housework, lifts to her appointments etc.

She could battle cancer for years and years.

You need to end this shit relationship now. He is using you, that is why he backpeddled. He thinks if he can just dangle you long enough and you think you need to be the perfect girlfriend to make him commit. He won't. Get him out.

You sound amazing, lived abroad, did a law degree, now a deputy head. Who wouldn't want you? Just because you love him does not mean this is your happy every after. He lies, gambles, doesn't treat you well. You are his meal ticket.

I say this as someone who has been married for 20 years to the most amazing, worships the ground I walk on, fantastic verbal sparring partner I could have ever wished to meet. I met him after a string of long term arsehole boyfriends. I was worth more, I got out and I met him. Friend of a friend. So happy with my life. At the time I swore I was taking a break from having a boyfriend, was so decidedly single and he blew it all out the water.

He’s only with you until something better comes along sorry!

As its your home I would tell him to leave, don’t waste anymore time with someone that you don’t trust and who doesn’t respect you, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t know if they may or may not want to get married or have children with you?

This man if unreliable so not good husband or parent material, cut yourself free your do yourself a big favour and you will find someone who loves and wants to marry you and who you most importantly trust.

For what its worth I suspect he’s cheating or indeed in contact with other women hence being glued to his phone.

Just do this one thing, ask to look st his phone, say you need reassurance ... if he refuses to show you there and then ask him to leave. Say you’re very sorry his Mum is ill but you can’t trust him anymore. He has made this situation crap not you. His Mum will have treatment for a very long time... you can’t let that taint your decision. It’s HIS fault - he’s clearly cheating on you again. I simply could not cope if my BF refused to let me look at his phone. My BF would never refuse as he did something awful not long ago that made me insecure, so sometimes I need to check... less so these days.

Just read his mums announcement about her breast cancer which is very sad, but like op said it changes nothing, I also agree that you should suggest that he moves back home to be with his mum and take care of her.

I would also try and say you were going to tell him to move out before his mums announcement as its clear from your previous conversation before Christmas that you want different things and it would be in both your interests to make a clean break and that would allow him time to focus his attention on his mum and her needs.

This sad news changes nothing.

His mum’s ill health - and the timing - is very unfortunate, but not a good reason to continue a relationship with her son, when this would be a bad decision for you.

Life may be short and at the moment you’re wasting a lot of your time and energy on someone who isn’t worth it.

It sounds like you’re unsure of your decision?

There will ALWAYS be a reason not to split up.

I have been there, in the shitty relationship, too scared to leave because I think I'll be lonely. I also don't have many close friends, not close to my family either. It IS hard.

But go out and work on your self-esteem. Do therapy, do classes, meet new people etc. I think your 20s really suck sometimes, they were SO hard for me. I feel like it's like that for a lot of women. Things got way easier for me in my 30s, I gained so much confidence.

I’m really sorry to hear the news about his mum. That is awful and you obviously care about her.

But you simply can’t stay with her deadbeat son because of it. Do you think he would stay with you if the shoe was on the other foot? Let him find comfort from his OW which he clearly has.

Please put yourself first. Why did you take him back after he cheated on you?

I was with my ex for 13 years. He successfully manipulated me for years so I thought I was incapable of living without him. He isolated me from my family and friends so that I felt totally dependent on him. I was the highest earner. I bought our house. At work I was successful.

I had 2 children and married him. He got us in to awful debt I still live with every day. He played the mental health card and had a dying mum. I could never find the right time to end things.

When I did eventually get Him to leave his mum died about 6 weeks later. At the funeral he looked strong and yet vulnerable and I stupidly took him back. Within days I felt sick and trapped. He was lying and stealing from me but how could I throw out a grieving man?

I did eventually sum up the courage to do this as I couldn’t have the children living in the environment I had worked so hard to make better for them.

Fast forward 12 years and he is now coming after me for money. I had to sell the house to clear some of his debts and am now renting. He doesn’t see the children or contribute financially towards them. And he wants half my pension.

Please don’t end up in my situation. Get out now before you find yourself married and having his children. He will not change. He will drag you down with him.

I am alone (I have had relationships but currently dating). But I would choose this any day over being trapped with him. I have rekindled old friendships and made new ones. I am now close with my family.

You are young, intelligent and successful. Give yourself the chance of a happy life. We only get one.

You can do this.

But what better something could come along for him? This superstar girlfriend has an international career, owns her own home, has reached almost the top of her profession at only 29 years of age. She sounds caring (maybe too much, misplaced?) and obviously has very strong social skills proven by what she has achieved in her chosen career path. But there seems to be a bit of vulnerability, naivety, lack of boundaries and confidence when it comes to relationships. This needs sorting - what happened in your childhood OP - what are your parents like. This might be a one off - but you don’t want to fall into this trap again. You need to know what to look for and then have the confidence to acknowledge and prioritise your feelings and move on or swerve difficult people.

How did you get together with this character OP?

Notcoolmum what a shocking time you have had. And this weasel is still screwing your over decades later. I hope you can get through this and your children are OK.

“We are not financially ready” - er, no, HE has financial and other problems, due to his own actions, and is benefiting financially from his relationship woth you, to your financial detriment.

Thank you another20. His audacity knows no bounds!! I wake up every morning relieved he isn’t here. Everything else is small change in comparison to having my life back.

I hope the OP can make the break and not end up stuck with her loser. There are so many worse things than being alone.