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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

447 replies

Minniemee · 26/12/2018 22:25

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/01/2019 10:20

I'd suggest blocking him / filtering him out automatically on anything you can. Not to be unfriendly, just because it makes things much easier for you.

Original poster
Minniemee · 17/01/2019 11:48

@another20 I have made plans this weekend to keep me busy as I know the weekend is the worst time. I'm going to bag all his things up tonight and I can store them in the downstairs toilet so that I don't need to see them.

I hadn't blocked him off WhatsApp simply because I knew he needed to arrange to collect his stuff but I haven't spoken to him nor replied.

It's so reassuring hearing your stories about finding your forever afterwards.. I'm starting to think I'll forever be on my own now.

It's a shame the heartbreak diet didn't last that long!!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/01/2019 12:20

If it's necessary, he can phone... which takes that little bit more effort.

Moviestar · 17/01/2019 12:25

Hello Minnie.
You are a brave and strong woman have done the right thing.You would have had a life of misery being used by,and supporting this man . The future is bright and shiny and full of possibilities now that you are free to meet a man who will cherish and appreciate you.Every day is a new start and will bring exciting things and opportunities.
Bag the stuff up.Leave outside at a notified prearranged time to be collected and arrange to be out.
If not collected ,charity shop.
Then erase his contact numbers and move towards your new exciting future.
It might take a while ,and thats a good thing ,you dont want to rush into a new relationship. You are young,have lots of fun and enjoy the good life that YOU have built for yourself.
He will want you back because you are a convenient meal ticket but he does not love you as you deserve to be loved.,if in doubt at any point ,read the first few paragraphs of your OP again.
You will know you have done the right thing for you..
Congratulations and best wishes for your future.
💐💐💐🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🏵🏵🏵🏵🌹🌹🌹🌹

MoveOnTheCards · 17/01/2019 12:27

Well done Minnie. 🙌

Have you changed the locks?

Motoko · 17/01/2019 13:04

Of course you'll find someone else! Just ignore your brain when it's making you think such silly thoughts!

Do you have a front garden? If you have, bag the stuff up and put it out there, and send a text to tell him it's outside if he wants it, but if he delays picking it up, you're not accepting liability if someone nicks it.
Also, if he doesn't collect it by x date (I'd give him a week), it will go to the tip.

Grumpelstilskin · 17/01/2019 13:10

Yep, same question here. If you haven't done so already, you need to change the locks. He's not really taken the situation seriously. He's just biding his time, thinking you will be begging him to come back. Pack up his stuff, put it in a storage place for just the minimum rental period. Then sent him all the information about where and by when he needs to pick up his things. Then block him on every channel of communication. Don’t allow him to hold you and your fragile emotions to ransom. Take back the power and control of the situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/01/2019 13:14

How much stuff is it? If it's not a whole lot I'd box it and have it delivered to his mum's if it's not too expensive. It'd be worth it to me to have it gone.

Otherwise give him a date and time to pick it up, preferably when someone else can be there to hand it over.

Before you just leave it in the yard be sure you won't be held liable if it gets nicked or destroyed.

5LeafClover · 18/01/2019 07:10

change the locks. He's not really taken the situation seriously. He's just biding his time

This is exactly what I thought too when I read your update.

Take care of yourself OP.

Yulebealrite · 19/01/2019 08:20

Until he gets his things, he's not viewing this split as final. Get a friend to deliver his things tho him and change the locks - otherwise if he decides he's moving back in, there will be trouble.

SenoritaViva · 19/01/2019 12:07

I agree about asking someone to take his things over.

Then I would paint a room so it starts to feel different and more your own.

Then start thinking about things you can do now you’ve got your life back. Be strong, it will get easier and better.

Motoko · 19/01/2019 13:11

Revamping a room is good. When we live with someone, we have to compromise on furniture and décor, but when we live on our own, we can have that sparkly unicorn cushion, or use all the colours of the rainbow, if that's what we want!

It also changes the feel of a room, it feels fresh and new, which is good to signify the start of your new life, and get rid of lingering memories of him being there.

If you've got a coffee table, buy a nice bunch of flowers, and put them in the middle. Aldi have lovely flowers, and they're cheap, I got a bunch last week with dafs, hyacinths, roses, tulips, and foliage, and it was only £4. Wilko's have got some really nice glass vases in at the moment, also only £4.

Original poster
Minniemee · 20/01/2019 16:29

Having a huge wobble right now

I finally got the strength after NC to message him last night saying that he needed to collect his stuff today by 4pm (as I was out for the day) and leave his key or I would get a friend to return his things.

This is what I've gotten today in reply and I'm missing having him in the house so much 😔

Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?
OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 20/01/2019 16:31

He’s just st full of regret. Don’t believe he will change, you deserve so much more. Be strong. Did he get his stuff?

Original poster
Minniemee · 20/01/2019 16:33

I haven't been back home yet to find out if he's taken his stuff but I know he won't have.

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 20/01/2019 16:42

So sorry you are going through this. Well done for having the strength to chuck him out. I second a PPs advice to box up all his stuff and drop them at his mums so it’s out of your house. Then block him on everything and change your locks.

TowelNumber42 · 20/01/2019 17:00

His messages were all about what he wants.

Nothing abour gambling, debts, inability to pay his way, coldness, erasing you from his social media life. Nothing.

Living in your house is better than living at his mum's. That's the subtext of his message.

TowelNumber42 · 20/01/2019 17:07

You are not angry enough about how he treated you. I think you have not accepted just how incompatible you were.

I wonder if you spent much of your waking hours trying to manage him, please him, pretend everything is awesome. Now that's gone you don't even know how to be in a room on your own. You need a new project to consume you. Redecorating could be a good one but better to get a more social project.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2019 17:14

Not a word of acknowledgement, not an apology, no suggestions about how HE can change to be a better person. Just 'take me back'. So the answer is NO.

Don't reply. Block him. And remember, you must do as you told him. If his stuff isn't gone, box it up and have a friend deliver it.

Also, leaving the key doesn't mean a whole lot, although it's the right thing to demand. But you also need to change the lock barrel or have the lock re-keyed. He may have had a copy made (if he's 'that type').

mumsastudent · 20/01/2019 17:22

double yuck! I would be tempted to change locks now & leave stuff out front(in recycled paper bags & hope it rains)

Jaxhog · 20/01/2019 17:27

I think you're about to have a lucky escape Op!

Give him a date by which he must remove his stuff and change the locks.

Motoko · 20/01/2019 18:50

You knew this was coming, we said he would say all these things. He doesn't mean them, he just wants his cushy life back.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. And for fuck's sake, don't take him back! You're in this position, because you took him back the last time you found him cheating.

You need to change the locks. Why haven't you done this yet? You don't need a locksmith to do it, the barrels can be bought at B&Q for between £10-£20, and you just need a screwdriver to change them. Videos on YouTube to show you how to do it.
Even if he gives you a key back, he could have had a copy made, and come into your house and steal from you, and nose around your stuff, while you're out.
Get them changed this week!

SenoritaViva · 20/01/2019 19:10

Hi Op. tricky times I know but you need to

  1. get your friend to dump his stuff back at his mums
  2. change the locks
  3. block his number (very important)
  4. make some plans (and this is the exciting bit - do some redecorating, learn a new skill, join an evening class, join a gym, get a kitten/puppy, volunteer for a charity - anything that will bring you joy.
Aussiebean · 20/01/2019 19:30

So where is his acknowledgment of bad behaviour and apology?

TowelNumber42 · 20/01/2019 20:32

I hope you have gone quiet because you are out with RL friends giving you support.

I hope you did not agree to see him and are now being guilted into giving him the life he wants by discarding the life you want.

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