Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

When I split up with mine, I cried for a week. But then I joined the gym, reconnected with a couple of old friends, got my hair and nails done. Then when I was feeling better, went on an online dating site where I met my fiance.

I went back to my ex several times until I finally wised up and decided 'No more!'

I wasted years of my life hoping my ex would keep his promises and change into a better partner. The familiarity of our life together and the fear of being without him kept me from getting rid of him.

I think I knew deep down that no matter what promises he made me he was never going to really change. I wasted years of my life, my fertility, my financial security and my career/promotions etc.

I have struggled to move on and trust another man. He has had no problems and now has another family. He appears to feel no guilt about how he treated me. His family say 'I allowed him to treat me that way' and I notice that his new partner sets very strict boundaries with him.

I think I needed to set up hard boundaries when we first got together and stick to them. I wanted a partner not a child though. I wanted to share my life with someone not be responsible for everything.

I felt devastated when I finally ended things but being single is so much better than being with him. It takes time to adjust your life. I had many doubts at first even after several break and make-ups with him. I think it took a while to realise he wasn't going to change. I really wanted him to.

A year from now this is gonna be ok. Get him out of under your roof. Change the keys, block his number. Wash that man right out of your hair. Well done you for having your own home. Be brace, and do not doubt yourself. He is a cad and your future self will thank you for this/

@mintich that provides me with some hope, thank you! I just keep thinking where on Earth am I going to meet anyone else but you've filled me with a bit of hope.

Day 4 and I've made no contact, it's the first night I've stayed in the house by myself too. I'm rewarding myself with a bad of chocolate today and/or a gin!

Thanks ladies

oh good for you! You will be much happier for this, I know you will.

I was 35 when I met my husband. (I had an ex husband, and an ex long term partner by then, plus 3 kids!). We met online, in a goth forum, and after talking for a while, we met up. Been together for 20 years next month!

My friend met her partner when she was 40, via me and DH (he's a friend of ours).

There are lots of ways to meet people, and it doesn't matter how old you are, so don't worry that you'll never meet anyone else. You will.

Well done Minniemee - great to see you employing that sterling determination and resilience that you have in spades. Day 4 - heading towards a week - putting in the distance with deadbeat and closer to your happy ever after.

@Minniemee OP, all I have to say is: 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You dodged a bullet there, trust me when I say it. You are a obviously very young woman, very well educated (anyone who's ever been to law school including me knows what law school means in terms of capacity), financially independent. You really didn't need an asshole like him.

I've been where you are, you'll laugh about it soon enough. You'll laugh about it even more when you find the right person and you know it.

I am interested in how you got together and stayed together? Did he target, love bomb and future fake you?

You are AMAZING

You have forged an astounding career, and own your own home. You sound like you’re very caring and devoted and you will laugh about this one day, your close call.

He doesn’t deserve you, and you’ve done the right thing. You’ll feel better soon x

I thought that too! But you do meet other people. I hadn't done the whole online dating thing, it filled me with dread at first. But it was fine and actually fun!
Once you get past the first few weeks you'll be fine. It's the best feeling when the day goes by and you realise it's the first time that you haven't given them a second thought all day. You can do it!!

Thank you everyone- you have been such a great support!

@mintich which dating site was it that you met your fiancé on? I will keep it in mind for a few months time when I finally feel ready to put myself out there again.. the idea of going on Tinder fills me with dread

Mysinglefriend.com 3 of my friends also met their husbands on there which is why I went on. I also went on tinder but didn't like anyone on there enough to meet

Well done Op. I was gonna suggest ditching him and working on your self a bit.
I would suggest join a fitness class/ gym/ activity of interest and maybe get hair done whatever will make you feel good. Then take up a hobby/join local groups that interest you. You will at least meet some like minded friends if not find a better partner.
Good luck

How are you today?

@EatCrisps thank you so much for asking. I'm OK. I have times where I just burst into tears (like when a song came on in the car ) and then when I get into bed at night I have a sense of sadness and loss but I've started to get my appetite back and feel fine at work which I know is good.

I have gone a few days now of NC even though he has tried messaging me. Even still, it's never been a message to say how being apart has made him realise he wants marriage and kids.. it's been' I love you BUT my head is messed up' or simply trying to ask how I am and how work has been. Why would you try and make small talk with me?!

The only thing is he still hasn't taken all his stuff. He took enough things for a few days but all his other belongings are here. When we last spoke before I went NC I told him I wanted him to get his things. He said he couldn't bring himself to do it and instead asked if he could come round to talk. I said no. What shall I do with his things? They're a constant reminder round the house of what we had and I think that's what makes me feel worse when I'm in the house.

Don't let him continue to pull at your strings. His belongings are no longer your concern so if he wants them, he needs to get them or else you will donate them to charity.

Don’t let him talk to you until you are healed and strong. Box up his things and tell him he can come and get them on a date when you will be out. End of. He’s been a total git and has had every opportunity. You are in a strong secure position and getting stronger.

He’s fucked up monumentally. Leave him to his secret phone shit and being a dick.

Well done, you’re an inspiration

You are doing great Minnie. When you say NC do you mean you you don’t contact him, have blocked and deleted his contact details or just that you are not responding? If it is the latter - then that is not NC - as he is still accessing you and emotionally impacting you.

Don’t waste your precious finite emotional energy entertaining his chats - you owe him nothing - these are purely for his benefit.

Agree with PP - he has x time to collect or it will be donated to charity - can you leave it out somewhere so that you don’t have to cross paths - or leave it at a friends place?

Minnie do you have nice distracting plans for this weekend and the next, in place - also something to look forward to at half term....it’s good to fill your time even though you really won’t feel like it?

Just get some cardboard boxes, pack all his stuff up, tape them all up and drive them round to his mums. If you don't drive, Uber them.
If he comes round to collect, he will spend ages and either wear you down or make you feel it was your fault.
Deal with his stuff in a kind, but businesslike manner. After all, he used to be your friend.

You're doing great as you recognise that he is trying to mess with your head by not respecting it's really over. Stay strong & refuse to engage with small talk.

As for his things I would box/bag it up & tell him if he doesn't collect it within the next few days you will bin it. If you're not string enough to shed him then arrange for someone to be with you. Don't make small talk etc, I would have his belongings at the front door for immediate removal, after that block him from contacting you. If he doesn't collect his things bin them. He's either nit respecting it's over or it's a power thing to him that his things are still in your home.

I read 'He's Just Not That Into You' after a bad breakup. It's an easy read but a great reminder of not going back. Though you have this thread to hopefully help with that!

You are doing brilliantly. Lots of things you put resonate with a break up that I had. I missed the affection desparately, but I didn't miss the awful anxiety and stress that I had about being in the relationship on the wrong terms. Our breakup was awful and stressful, but this was necessary, i see now, to underline that it was the right decision. I met my wonderful DH 6 weeks after that split. If I had wavered and taken my ex back, even for a short while, I would never had got together with my DH and had a happy 12 years together with 2 DC. My options would have been limited.

Re his stuff, box it up and have it all waiting by the door. Either take it to his mums yourself or have him collect it but DONT let him in your flat to chat. Any talk should be in a neutral place (ie cafe, park etc) where you can walk away on your own terms. One awful awful chat I had with my ex was at his flat. My handbag was in another from and i felt trapped from leaving. It meant he could rant/prolong our chat when I was exhausted and needed out for my own good. It took me 2 awful hours to negotiate my way to get my handbag and manage to leave. Don't be trapped, literally or metaphorically, by this man.

Put all his things in black plastic bags so you don’t have to look at them. Do you have a store room or spare room to put them in?
I think you’ve dodged a bullet breaking up with him. I’ve read so many threads of wives losing everything and being in debt because of their gambling addicted husbands. You can do better.
Put his things away and buy something that sparks joy for your house like a cushion or candle.

I feel so sad for your OP as I have honestly been there. My ex was a liar but I thought I loved him so much so I let the relationship go on for much longer than it should. We eventually broke up just before Christmas when I caught him in a massive lie. I cried every day for two months but then in the next April I met my current DH and we are now married with two children. When I met my DH I realised how bad my previous relationship was. You shouldn’t feel anxious everyday and I realised I had been hiding things from my family as I didn’t want them to think badly of him.

What I am trying to say is that things will get better very quickly and you will have a brilliant life without this man in it. Pack up his stuff so you don’t have to see it then give him a deadline to pick it up or it gets dumped. Do not let him convince you ‘to talk’, there is nothing to talk about. 💐💐