If you slept with someone else and completely regret it, would you tell your husband?

[threemine]

Just what the title says.

CoffeeatCentralPerk, read the rest of my post.

There is absolutely nothing selfish about owning up to your actions. What is selfish, is keeping infidelity to yourself and letting your husband continue believing you're the perfect wife while you go on pulling the wool over his eyes.

A lot of people will call off a relationship or marriage upon discovering their partner has cheated, but a fair amount of time, if the guilty party takes ownership of their wrong doings as soon as it's happened, the spouse has a tendency to agree to work through the rough patch because they respect the fact that they've told them, rather than lie and hide and be secretive.

No good comes from lying. No good comes from burying your head in the sand. If your marriage ends as a result of you cheating, then that's on you and your DH can find someone better.

No

The first and most relevant question surely is if you have a relationship in which sex with others is forbidden/frowned upon.

The second most relevant question is if you have a relationship in which you have agreed to share all information/be honest at all costs.

I don’t like it when people break agreements, but it’s perfectly possible to have a healthy relationship without an unbreakable contract of monogamy.

The very first thing that you should do is get yourself checked for a STI.

Its the very least you can do to protect your partner

No but unlikely to happen as I've had opportunities but never been tempted.
If he had a ONS that would be game over for me.
20 odd years of a mostly very happy marriage down the pan for a shag but I would never forgive and he knows it.

If sex isn’t sacred in a monogamous relationship then what makes it a relationship?

Cohabitation, bringing up children, being the one you always come back to time and time again for years..

Yes you should absolutely tell him. People make choices based on reality as they perceive it. By lying to him you are censoring his perception of reality in order to control his choices (i.e. Prevent him from choosing to leave you). You don't ever have the right to do that. Would you throw away his mail if you didn't think he'd like the contents? would you delete his messages if they came from someone you didn't think he should be talking to? Lying about an affair is controlling in the same way - it prevents the victim from being able to make choices which are in their best interest, and forces them to instead make choices which are in your best interest, by filtering which bits of their own reality they have access to. Disgusting behaviour.

I don’t think it marks something in. Long marriage.

Maybe it just felt fun or sexy.
Don’t tell him.

Cohabitation, bringing up children, being the one you always come back to time and time again for years..

So in a monogamous relationship, shagging someone else is ok as long as you do that?

Not in my relationship.

Depends so much on the personality of the person who has cheated.

If you could say in all honesty it's a decision you'll never take again AND you are capeable to not terrorise yourself with it then no, don't tell.

If you feel it could happen again or you feel you'd agonise over it, then tell them.

It's a shitty thing to do but by fuck we are human and make some shitty choices. We are enhanced animals so deep down we are just instinct and emotions.

But you need to decide whether you are happy as life is too short for either of you to be unhappy.

My mind boggles. I don’t know what vows others took but we both said “ Forsaking all others as long as we both shall live”. Of course faithfulness is essential in a marriage.

Forsaking all others

That just means leaving all others. So literally it could mean don't associate with the opposite sex at all and indeed some religions take such views.

Love the judging that always goes on here.

It is impossible to know what goes on in other couple's relationships, yet everyone assumes that they are the same, and judges by their own rules.

DH and I have promised to commit to each other, to always be kind and respectful to each other. We knew from the outset that we'd still fancy other people, enjoy flirting now and then, have friendships with the opposite sex, because that's just who we are.

The angst that I read about on here about emotional affairs, flirting by text message -
DH and I (and actually many of our friends) consider this pretty run of the mill stuff.

Many years into our marriage, children growing up, very equal partners in everyway, we are very happy and secure.

If he had a ONS with someone now, I'd rather he kept quiet (not a chance, mind you, as he is crap at keeping secrets), as I wouldn't want to hear the details, but I certainly wouldn't be kicking him out.

Forsaking all others within a marriage is generally accepted to mean to leave others alone sexually and put your spouse first.

It’s OK to say that faithfulness is essential for you in your marriage (and hope your partner feels the same, I’d expect it to be a long and frequently revisited conversation laying out your specific boundaries and expectations)

It’s not OK to say that of course faithfulness is essential in a relationship (and I use faithfulness to mean not having sex with other people against the others wishes) Every relationship is different, and every person is different, with different needs. And every relationship changes over time, and terms/expectations should be revisited.

I haven’t vowed anything to my partner and they nothing to me. I don’t expect monogamy, but so far I have chosen it for a twenty year period. We might not choose the same thing in the future. It’s important to be happy and to reassess your options in life, regularly - things change.

IMO the worst thing about lying in this event is taking choice away from the other person. You had choices, all the way up to and including having sex outside your marriage. You can choose to avoid him, you can choose to tell or not, you can choose to leave or not, take an STI test.

Your DH has none of these. Because he's making decisions based on a lie. Essentially you're choosing to carry on a relationship with someone who might not if they knew. Consent is important.

There's a great line in a film, when the cheating man says, "she meant nothing to me". The woman says, "while you were doing it I meant nothing".

ChanklyBore fair enough. Presumably OPs DH expects it, or she’d have cheerily mentioned it without a second thought.

As I have an emotional bond with DH is not want to sleep with someone else but I don't really get the focus on something done to your body. Having self with another only effects you. I do think there's little point doing it but I can't help think the 'she or he.belongs to me' thing is very short sighted.

Instead it should be a case of whether someone wants to be committed.

Every personality is so different. Some don't sleep with anyonevwhen they have the opportunity when single and others are prolific cheaters in multiple relationships.
M
I don't think you are automatically a person to be wrote off if you've cheated, akin to being violent or sadistic. I think though those people really need to think if a serious relationship for them.

I also don't think it's as simple as that if you're happy you won't cheat. Not all acts of cheating are to find someone better. Many are when drunk, when sexually frustrated or when suffering some kind of severe difficulty like bereavement. All these scenarios are when we are at the most animalistic.

Don't misunderstand me I do not think cheating is a good idea. But I can't see it as a complete sign of someone's badness nor that they can't change. Nothing is as black and white as we would like it to be.

If my DH had a ONS and regretted it I'd hope he'd get an STI check and if all clear, wouldn't tell me unless of course it kept happening as clearly he would not be happy and therefore couldn't remain emotionally close to me.

Shit happens. And then you die

@Notquiterichenough I think yours is a very sensible and balanced argument. Certainly reflective of my views.

Good god no.

Haven't rtft but in answer to your post NO! Keep it to yourself. Don't tell a soul and don't try to ease your conscience by 'confessing'. Never a good idea.