If you slept with someone else and completely regret it, would you tell your husband?

[threemine]

Just what the title says.

Seriously. These comments suggesting that telling the other person would mean you're running the risk of losing your relationship/marriage/breaking up the family... you already did that when you fucked someone else! You made your bed, now lie in it and deal with the consequences of your actions.

You don't accidentally sleep with someone else. That's literally all there is to it.

You made the decision to have sex with someone else other than your DH. So tell your DH how awful you've been so he can decide whether he wants to live the rest of his life with someone that chooses to fuck other people. The fact you feel guilty afterwards is completely irrelevant.

CoffeeAtCentralPerk couldn't agree more. If being honest is going to risk your relationship, you already fucked up and risked your relationship.

You need to tell your husband, this is not about you it is about giving him the full picture of who you are and what you are capable of. You did this whilst in a marriage with no problems,. If there is anything worse than a cheat it is a liar.

If you want honest answers then 're post as a man.

Coffee spot on!

Fair enough what other people want to do, but for me, trust and commitment is a basic requirement in my relationship. If he cheated, I’d leave. It’s that simple.

So irrespective of the sex of the OP, my answer would be the same. You owe your partner the truth, because making someone’s life a lie because you’re gutless is never ok.

No because I know a woman who did this, was full of regret, told her dh and said she was sorry, loved him, had been stupid etc and he divorced her right away. She was extremely miserable and broken hearted for the next 20 yrs and is still miserable.

It’s not a very happy marriage if you slept with someone else.
It’s not a happy marriage if you continue to lie.
Telling him will certainly have an impact but not nearly as big an impact as sex outside of that marriage.
You might have left him with an STD. You’ve certainly done harm. Regret is easy. Doing the right thing is harder, which is why you want advice that says stay quiet. That would just perpetuate the deception and niggle away inside your relationship.

What Coffee and Cherry says. You made this decision and have no idea if you may have caught an STI.

Also is this someone who you will see around? What will you do if DH finds out from another source?

I know a woman who did this, was full of regret, told her dh and said she was sorry, loved him, had been stupid etc and he divorced her right away. She was extremely miserable and broken hearted for the next 20 yrs and is still miserable

But what about the DH? What happened to him? Did he find another partner who didn't cheat on him? Did he recover from having his heart broken? I hope so.

Personally, I think she did the right thing. She allowed someone she loved to decide whether he wished to remain in a marriage with someone who wasn't faithful. Unfortunately the consequences of her fucking someone else resulted in her being miserable for the next 20 years - that's her fault, not her ex-DHs.

People are so precious over sex for some reason. It's just another activity nowadays. Like going to the cinema or for a coffee with someone else to be honest. No point getting wound up about it unless it's indicative of something bigger (in the same way your DH going to the cinema with another woman every single week would be too, say).

keenkaren Can't catch an STI going to the cinema or for a coffee.

Op I think a lot of it depends on the circumstances of your cheating. Did you go out and get horrifically drunk and have a regretful one night stand?? Or were you texting an old friend/flame and arrange to meet up and then decided to sleep together? There's a difference.

I don't think I could live with the guilt, and I'd want to know if it was me.

Yours is not a happy marriage, OP, otherwise you wouldn’t have CHOSEN to be unfaithful. Bollocks if you try to suggest it was an accident. You are married, you have made a complete mockery of your vows. You’re not telling me that at no second at all of your little rendezvous did a thought of your husband not appear in your head? Cos I don’t believe that at all.

And for that reason alone you need to tell your husband. Let him make the decision how to proceed.

I know someone who this has happened to. She confessed all tearfully straight away. Of course, he left her straight away. Thank god, they should never have got married, or had kids together as there were clearly problems in The relationship before then. Split up numerous times, on FB etc you would think they were happily married. I think THEY kidded themselves that things were fine to be honest. Family members knew the inside story and weren’t surprised it ended like this.

What you haven’t actually explained is WHY you didn it.

“ Can't catch an STI going to the cinema or for a coffee.”

Quite. Or become pregnant and cause a massive change to the lives of various people.

No...but only if you're sure he'd NEVER find out

If you know there is no way he will ever find out, then no I wouldn't tell him. You would only be transferring you negative feelings onto him and no good will come of it. It's quite a selfish thing to do.
If you think you are going to let guilt consume you anyway and will end up spilling the truth, then better to tell him soon as possible.
Though it depends on why you cheated really. Something is wrong with your relationship for you to cheat and if you don't think you can overcome it, then leave.

“t only if you're sure he'd NEVER find out”

And there’s the rub. Social media and google means that it’s extremely easy to find someone these days. Unless the person you shagged was a random stranger who doesn’t even know your name or any other details then it’s quite likely that at some point in the future you will be found out.

If it was someone else who was also married and who doesn’t want to risk their relationship, who’s to say that in 5 years’ time after their marriage breakdown he won’t come looking for you or bump into you or something.

It’s cringey enough on the odd time I have bumped into someone I’ve shagged before meeting DH, when I’ve been out with him, but imagine if it happened to you with this person? You would be horrified and worried they woukd get pissed and say something.

The truth always comes out.

Rubbish! Thousands of people have had affairs and have never been found out.

I don't think I would want to know if my husband had a ONS and then regretted it. I would never get over it and my marriage would be over. That would result in heart broken children, me being a single mum to five children, it would make working a nightmare and the life I have and love would be ruined.

If there were no children involved my answer might be very different. I don't want them to have to deal with a divorce for what was a ONS he regretted and I know that if he told me there would be no way I could work past it.

A long term affair I would want to know about, but a one off he can keep it to himself and let the guilt eat him away.

People are so precious over sex for some reason. It's just another activity nowadays.

If you’re both single, consenting adults, absolutely.

If one of you is committed, I think that’s about the most depressing thing I’ve read. If sex isn’t sacred in a monogamous relationship then what makes it a relationship?

If my DH has a ONS I don't think I'd want to know because for me I wouldn't be able to forgive it ever and that would be our marriage over

No, don’t tell. You regret it, you won’t do it again, don’t destroy your life.

Having the decency and respect to tell your partner what you've done is the very opposite of selfish. I'd actually be more angry about the lying than the cheating, not that I'd exactly be thrilled about the latter but I'd have more respect for someone and be more likely to stay with my partner if they had the guts to tell me what has happened than if they forced me to live a lie. I deserve the right to decide if I want to proceed with the relationship. It is incredibly selfish to remove that choice from me.

Yes because something made you want to sleep with that person in the first place, you need to address the problems in your relationship and be honest. Then see where you go from there.

'No good will come of it'

🙄🤔
Maybe not for the unfaithful, vow breaking cheat but at least the other half can choose to move on and find someone that respects them enough to not bounce up and down on someone else's dick..

Honestly. If you fuck up. Come clean. Either have a set of morals and don't sleep with someone else in the first place, or if you do, have the decency to let your partner know that you've been a shit wife.

If you were that worried about losing your family and your marriage, you wouldn't have slept with another bloke. Obviously the risk was worth taking and the decision for the marriage to continue should lie with the husband, not the cheating wife.

If you don't tell him you're going to spend the rest of your life fervently hoping lover boy doesn't blackmail you for more sex or tell your H, aren't you?
Perhaps that's the punishment for adultery.