Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

I've been stewing all night about this red flag.
Got the usual 'Morning' message yesterday. I replied saying son was back to school and was taking xmas decs down. He then said he was meeting friends for lunch. Then at 7.30pm he sent 'Home now x'. I sent 'Was that for me?' He then sent 'Just letting you know. Am going to eat then early night as early start x'.
If he was going for lunch, how come he didn't get home til 7.30? Why tell me, if he was then eating and going to bed as it's not like he was inviting conversation? Why didn't he suggest we go for lunch? We have so little time to see each other inbetween his shifts!
I think he met someone else and the 'Home now x' was to the 'other' date.
I know I'm overthinking and I hate myself for it!

@toooldforthis67 I wouldn’t read anything into that personally - I’d think that they had some drinks after lunch and a good catch up. As for not asking if you wanted to get lunch... it’s important to balance time to see friends etc, obviously only you know how much effort he’s putting in but I wouldn’t see it as a bad thing. From a quick outside perspective that looks like a quick ‘check in’ so that you don’t think that he’s ignoring you after being out for the day.

@WotcherHarry - sounds a bit like he wrote that! Lol.
Thing is we usually send a 'Home now x' when we've got home from our date or prev msg to say 'Am out, talk later' kinda thing. Thing is after not seeing him for 8 days, he popped round for coffee and stayed just 2 hrs the prev eve when he hadn't got to get up early the next morning.
I accept he has a life outside of me but if he is so keen, as he says, then why didn't I get the 'lunch' slot in his busy life?
Think I'll just stop replying, keep busy and despite not really wanting to, go back on OLD. At least I can find some interesting conversation even if it's a bit weird .

@TooOldForThis67 do you think he sent it to you to instigate chatting? I can see where you are coming from in that he could have been with a new date. How long have you been seeing each other for?

@OhioOhioOhio
Yes I live on outskirts of a big city but I always find the nicest guys are miles away lol

McDreamy however lives in the same town as me which rarely happens.

I've got weight to lose in fact it was my weight that held me back initially. I'm not skinny and I've had guys chat away say they think I'm amazing then when I sent full length pic they blocked me! Most guys don't mind however in fact most of the guys I have met are fit as fu@k so go figure!

I'm luck in that I have an older teenager who spends 50% of time with their dad so I have time to date.

Go for it!!

The more I’ve dated, the more I’ve realised how differently sometimes things come across depending on the other person’s attitudes/personal insecurities/past issues etc. I’ve had messages like that before and have both taken them at face value and overanalysed. For me personally, when I start to overanalyse it’s usually a symptom of some other incompatibility that’s beginning to grate on me or someone that’s maybe a bit ‘flakier’ than they were before... I have become straightforward now and if I can’t come up with a valid reason myself for overanalysing (as in, a personal issue - like feeling stressed/over stretched etc) then I usually just ask outright.

Sorry, bit long and have probably not explained that well, but I do understand the temptation to overanalyse!

Also, totally understand what you’re saying about busy lives and ‘slots’ - I guess there’s only so much time in the week to fit in socialising! I dated someone once who was very insistent on ‘exclusive’ dating but was flakey as anything. He managed to keep other commitments though. It drove me crackers. He was disrespectful of my time which sounds different to your situation. I finished it in a friendly way.

Some people would be okay with it and others not - it’s about what works for you :) I spent a long time in a financially/emotionally abusive marriage. The more that I’ve dated, the better my boundaries have got. I go into new situations with the phrase ‘high boundaries, low expectations’ bounding around my head!

High standards, not boundaries!

@WotcherHarry

I dated someone once who was very insistent on ‘exclusive’ dating but was flakey as anything. He managed to keep other commitments though. This exactly!

After the 'home now x' msg he then sent 'Am going to eat then early night ....: - so I replied 'night then' - like he wasn't exactly inviting conversation was he. I had no reply to that or a 'morning' msg so I think he knows he's been found out or he's rightly picked up that I'm not bothered anymore. I've had over 50 dates in 2 yrs so my spidey senses are keen and are screaming something doesn't add up here! I hope I'm wrong.

TooOld

Yep. Spider senses are there for a reason. If he was more bothered he could definitely have shown it with another text after your 'night then.'

I think thats actually part of my worry. That my spider senses are completely fkd. My stbxh is a bad man. Really mean, nasty man. I could bore you with a thousand stories but i am sure you have your own. My perspective is broken in everu day situations, never mind in the dating world.

So why do you all decide to give up on the possibility of meeting someone through coincidence? I am reassured by friends that you can just bump into someone in the supermarket and happily both realise you are soulmates. These friends tend to have met their husbands when they were about 12 and have no actual experience of adult dating.

And how did you decide what website to use? And were you worried that everyone would know about it?

Ohio - I don't worry who see's my profile generally. On POF you can hide your profile temporarily if you are seeing someone but still continue msg your existing contacts!

Does anyone use Bumble? Do you find it any better than the others? I downloaded it and quite liked it until i saw my ex's best mate. I do NOT want my ex knowing i'm on there. I wonder if you can block anyone?

Bumble had a severe lack of women in my area, POF has a few but nobody new since I was last on there (and they seriously need to invent a way to delete exes from your recommended list...!). I just signed up to match yesterday and it's slow so far but there do seem to be a few local people that I haven't seen before.

I have also used pinkcupid in the past, but there's not much you can do on there without subscribing.

Supermarket/hobby type clubs etc are difficult for me due to my health issues, I spend a lot of time at home. So online is unfortunately pretty inevitable.

I was worried about being spotted before I had the chance to properly "out" myself to family and friends, but post-relationship that worry has now gone at least :)

I have used Bumble and Tinder with equal luck. I was on POF initially but I couldn't cope with all the messages. I tried match it was just as bad. I would be interested from a guys view on Tinder I never send a message on Tinder unless the guy messages me I used to but got fed up with no responses so I stopped. But I do worry I was missing out by not messaging.

I'm off the apps for now but unless something materialises out of my guys just now I will be back on them.

Mr Grey No2 has been messaging loads - I came on too strong initially as we had such strong connection and he backed off but things are better now he said this morning he's not ruling out a relationship with me just wants to take it slow. I told him I was chatting dating other guys but that I'm not sleeping with anyone else and I expect him not to - he agrees so we will see - he's still going through divorce sale of house etc so not sure how things will go.

@BeyondShattered I found Bumble seemed to have a slightly better quality of bloke (bad as that sounds). I know I shouldn't care about my ex finding out because his mate (or others) might see me on Tinder and POF. I did see a lot of the same faces as on Tinder though.
@Focus2019 that is what I hate about POF. You seem to get a wider range of people but the fact anyone can message is annoying. I just get inundated every day and many of them send multiple messages.
With Tinder I barely match with anyone and then, when I do, they don't bother to message.

Well after springcleaning my brain for 2019 I came to the conclusion that I was no longer comfortable dating two guys at the same time so I sent a bye bye message to Mr Cat this morning (I tried to call but he didn't pick up so his choice). He was sweet and accepting, thanked me for 'terrific sex' and 'probably' agreed with my decision. Coincidentally the other guy, Mr Mad, has recently being showing me quite how batshit crazy he is - in a harmless way - so I know for sure there is no real future with him but still some really fun times ahead, for a while at least.

So my 2018 adventures with OLD have given me a massive amount of confidence in some ways. I'm back in the saddle sexually which, after a 30 year practically sexless marriage, was the main thing for me. And I've discovered new vistas for sex that I had not contemplated before. But I'm worried now that I can't move forward from being some sort of wrinkly sex goddess who wears men out (their comment, not mine, obviously) to being a woman who can love and be loved normally.

Still going to keep off the apps until February. Will hang around supermarkets a lot, looking lovable...

Hi all - I'm off all the apps too. Did OLD for 6 months last year and had a few dates and a couple of 6-8 week 'relationships' but ultimately, by skin isn't thick enough and my self esteem is way healthier without the constant looking/swiping/messaging/dating/let downs.
I am focusing on doing more of the things that make me feel good (not just the instant gratification) and using my child free time for things like running, learning to play guitar, yoga, seeing friends instead of keeping that time free for potential dates. I actually feel happier already and intend to make this MY year, with or without a man (most likely without though!) :-)

@Sunshineandflipflops well done!! I deleted my POF account pretty quick when i went back on a few weeks back. I've been on Tinder but that's been a waste of time (yet again) and I feel it taking over my life again. I'm going away on holiday at the end of this month and am going to come off everything then and focus on me for a while.
Who knows, I might meet someone on holiday!

I'm loving the updates and everyone seems really focused on what they want! sunshine, i've done the same! I have so much more time now I'm not swiping, I actually can't believe the difference it has made already.
Feel calmer and happier!

I decided to rejoin Tinder today...some of the same faces as POF but some new ones (and some I want to avoid as had to swipe left on Mr Italy!!).

i think my skin is getting thicker, I think reading the Matthew Hussey book helped. Before i was taking it too seriously, expecting each guy I met up with to be "The One", now i realise i need to relax and "The One" will come when he's suppose to, I just need to have fun/experiences on OLD to get there first!! I'm quite a social being and as matthew's advice is to make more conversation/meeting opportunities in real life (he doesn;t seem keen on OLD in his book at all) i'm going to up my game there too. Watch out for me gentlemen as i make eye contact and say Hi to you over the frozen pizza in the freezer aisle lol!!!

@scotgal2017 oh what book is that? sounds like one I should read. Love your attitude.

I'm off the apps as well. It's always the same faces. So I'm going to try being more sociable in real life and see what happens.

Those who say they don't message first on Tinder, I'm just curious why.
I usually give my match 24 hours to send a message, if they don't then I'll send one. I've had some of my best dates when I message first. Then I can also set the tone of the messaging from the start

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking the reason I stopped messaging was I was not getting responses. The best responses I got where in Bumble when I used their opener questions feature it worked well.

I'm off the apps too and feeling better for it. I'm currently seeing / chatting to multiple guys and this actually helps as I'm not focused on just one of them.

McDreamy is my long term potential so I'm taking it very slowly with him as I don't want to rush in and it goes tits up.

The others are more fun though Mr Grey no2 has some potential.

I have way more confidence since splitting with my ex I genuinely thought I'd be alone forever!! I've lost 60lbs but still have more to lose.

I've been up and down on the dating front and I had my heart broken by a guy who told me he didn't want serious but I kept seeing him he then dumped me 😟😟😟

Well after the ending of drama with Mr Tall yesterday I recactivated Bumble and POF and now have 3 dates lined up for this weekend!
I'm assuming that at least 1 will cancel or disappear beforehand tho :-)