Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

I know that’s my worry. I do have a couple of male friends who had trouble with access to their kids and I know how expensive it is to fight for that access, so I don’t necessarily want to judge him too quickly over this but I’m being cautious. He mentioned very briefly about how he used to see his son a lot more but it was changed to EOW by his ex so she could get more money instead and got CSA involved. Said he highly doubt he’d be allowed to take his son on holiday. Makes me a bit suspect.
Only been a couple of short dates so far, so I might try and bring the subject up and dig further.

I think that's wise harriet. Give the benefit of the doubt for now but get some some more info.

I'm sorry for your heartache Minnie. The relationship following my divorce ended up being awful but I hung on in the hopes it would be ok. It wasn't. And I mourn the idea of him not the horrible man he became. But when it's good, you think, yes this is it, I can relax and it's coming together. You sound like you're handling it with dignity

harriet my ex doesn’t see or pay for outback kids so this would be a huge red flag for me. I’ve never understood how his new wife has just accepted the situation.

👋 hello! I’ve decided to join the dating thread for a bit of moral support . After being pretty much content with never having another relationship again , I’ve decided to give it one last shot. Awful previous relationship history but done lots of work on myself including therapy , so feeling bit more hopeful. I hate OLD but have found someone on OkC - 98% match, he’s a cancer and I’m Scorpio (if you’re into that!). We have planned a date for this Saturday. I’m feeling quite excited but tend to get a little carried away, fantasising about what he might be like, running through what may or may not happen...does anyone else do this? How do you keep your feet on the ground? I don’t want to spoil it or make myself too nervous by building up such expectations.

Hello Nelly I guess when you're meeting for the first time you have to keep reminding yourself of the rules at the top of the thread - especially not over-investing, remembering it's all bullshit and trusting your gut instinct. He's just a guy, not a god. My mother used to say - about EVERYTHING - 'don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed'. A bit depressing but keeps your feet on the ground a treat.

Keep busy during the day on Saturday to distract yourself from overthinking

Just had a big catch up with how everyone is getting on. I agree with you all, a lot of blokes out there who are immature and just not genuine!

I can't seem to move on from the bloke who I only saw for a month and half 😩 I keep hoping that he will msg, but never does. Why can't I stop thinking of him?!

Apparently I suppose the reason you can't move on is because you're not ready to, and you haven't found somebody/something to move on to yet? Give it time and keep busy.

I matched with someone else tonight and he messaged straight away. Literally 2 messages later.... gone. I'm starting to think its me. Every. single. time.

@crappyday2018 roughly what did the conversation say? For example, people might just be looking for sex or a fling and see early on that you might not be up for that.

Thanks for your wise words DogDay . I will keep trying to remind myself to expect nothing. We are meeting late morning for a coffee so not much time for squirming at home thankfully.

Happy New Year all, @DaffoDeffo fab thread title and I'm back for more advice!

Late Nov I started talking to a guy on Badoo, we met up, got on great and started dating.
We DTD on date 3 ( 2 weeks in ) and it was nice but nothing special. Same thing happened on date 5. Since then we've been able to see each other a fair bit over Xmas and New Year but no hint of anything sexual.
He told me he's a 'passionate man' and that I'm 'every mans dream woman' but the vibe I was getting from him didn't match his words. So we went out NYE to a local firework display and had fun, it was lovely. We held hands, he had his arms round me the whole time. Back to his and watched the NYE fireworks on tv and went to bed about 1.30am.
We had a kiss and cuddle and he said next morning I could make breakfast then he'd make 'mad passionate love' to me. ( it sounds cheesy but was funnier irl )
I woke up to him making breakfast, which I was surprised at but it was nice too.
After breakfast he started talking about going back to bed as he was tired. So I played along and said can I tempt you back to bed for the mad passionate love you promised me last night, to which he replied he really needed some sleep.
It was obviously a knock back and I wasn't expecting it so just kind of said 'oh ok, I'll make a move then and go home.'
He saw me to the door said 'I'll see you at the weekend' and I left.
When I got home he'd text me saying ' I can't help but think you left disappointed' to which I replied 'more puzzled actually'
After a lot of back and forth it turns out that he likes sex in a very specific way and the two times we'd tried it a few weeks previously hadn't really done it for him as it was different to the way he likes it.
He basically wants to try and replicate the sex life he had with his ex partner. They were together 13 yrs and split just over 2 yrs ago. In that 2 yrs he's had no dates and no sex.
When together they had sex once a month, it was very intense and usually lasted for 24 hrs.
Now I'll try most things sexually and have no
Problem giving it a go his way but even if I really enjoy it I don't want that to be all my sex life consists of going forward.
Plus I feel as if I'll be compared to his ex who he knew really well, they'd had 13 yrs of doing this and the trust, intimacy etc had been built up, we've known each other 6 weeks so I do wonder what he's expecting it to be like.
I feel as if I might be setting myself up for a big fail here.

Oh and sorry that was so long

Oh Tara that sounds bloody weird! Tantric? Drugsex? Either way I've had it with me who can't have sex 'normally'. Im not without my own preferences and pecadilloes but if that's all someone wants then it gets boring fast if it's not all you want.
You've already summed up that you don't want to be compared to his ex etc who was obviously expert at whatever his thing is.
He sounds a controlling knob. You can do better.

@IndieTara wow! 24 hour sex 🤨 I'd definitely fall asleep no matter how good it was!
All sounds a bit weird to me but if you're prepared to give it a go then go for it.
I'd be concerned about him wanting to replicate how things were with his ex though, bit strange

I'm dying to know what this 24hr sex thing is all about!
But seriously, that's a huge red flag especially as it's just the start of things.
Sorry, not being negative, just realistic.

@dragonflyflew and @wishywashy6 he doesn't come across as controlling at all and wouldn't get very far with me if he was ( exh tried that and still tries now but doesn't get anywhere).
But this guy is definitely 'different' no doubt about it. He seems to be very affectionate and we do have fun.
It wouldn't be the first time I've spent the weekend In bed with someone but if that's the only way he gets turned on I can't see it lasting.
I like variety

Butafter a couple of years of on/off OLD I'm still amazed at thé things that start to emerge after a few eeeks of knowing the person you've started to date!
The most normal profiles turn out to be somebody completely different.
And for some reason I always attract the weird ones

indietara 24 minutes would be long enough for me!! What on Earth do you do for 24 hours?!

@Notcoolmum I'll let you know once I've tried his way.

Ha indietara are you going to give him another chance then?!

@Notcoolmum he hasn't done anything wrong, And I'm prepared to try things his way and see if I like it.
If I do then I'll have the conversation about not wanting my sex life to only consist of that

I get the weird ones too (i'm weird tho)
I had a cheeky weekend away at end of December and we had a LOT sex over around 18 hour period but interspersed with food, entertainment, swimming and a nature walk so im not averse to big sexy sessions.

It's just the way he promised you mad passionate sex, turned you down twice (effectively) and then told you that when you did have sex it didn't work for him as it's not how he and his ex did it.
When I got home he'd text me saying ' I can't help but think you left disappointed' , I guarantee he knew exactly how you'd feel and used this as his opportunity to tell you that you are unable to fulfill his needs if you carry on as you are.
To me that feels quite manipulative, ergo, controlling.
You said the vibe didn't match the words, that's your redflag (your own instinct) There's many ways to control, hopefully im wrong and you will find a way to get the sex you both want...

I chose a guy who looked really ordinary. Well odd, good job, educated professional, lots of hobbies, small kids.... Transpired he was into electrostimulation, had recently had sex with a couple he met in a pub and bought me leg restraints and mouth tape for our third date. Im not a prude and might have considered the estim to try later on and the s&m stuff but it was all a bit much and definitely too soon. I made my excuses;

@dragonflyflew don't worry I see the red flags and the alarm bells are ringing too, but not necessarily because I think he's controlling, however I can see how you might think that and you might be right. I just don't know him well enough to know. Either way I have no intention of allowing myself to be controlled or manipulated and if it ends up not working out then I won't be devastated. If I come out of it a little wiser and having experienced something new then I'm fine with that.

@dragonflyflew I am PMSL here, so sorry but that has tickled me.
You're right though def too soon! And very presumptuous of him