Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

If there wasn't the chance it was entirely xh related I would leave it, but I understand how juggling the kids alone while working, studying and volunteering, then dealing with extra-twattish ex too can leave no head space for dating. Seeing the best in people again, it's a massive flaw

I genuinely think most blokes just think they can get away with more on OLD. Someone mentioned earlier that these creeps probably act normal in real life and they probably do. Not sure why they put on this persona online.
I have no luck at all. I've literally had one date. Almost every single time I start chatting to someone, they disappear. I'm starting to think its me. I know this is normal but it seems to be every one (except the date which didn't work out).
I also think that my age range of 35-48 means most of those blokes want young things under 30.
The guy I've been chatting to (I mentioned earlier) is perfect on paper. 47, has a kid and (apparently) looking for something serious. Has a good job and is actually good looking (another rare thing). But the chat is rubbish!!
I've come off POF altogether as I got sick of all the messages but Tinder really doesn't have much to offer.
I've now decided to unmatch anyone who matches with me and doesn't message. I give them 2.3 days then unmatch.

I tried Bumble and was actually quite impressed with the selection of men's profiles on there. Until I saw my ex;'s best mate so I had to delete straight away!

beyond you could ask her or just start a friendly chat and see where the conversation goes. She might tell you anyway and explain all.

scotgal, grim re that guy's username! Next!

shitwithsugaron and beyondshattered, I agree - the break up of my one year relationship after my long marriage hurt like hell. I think it was hopes dashed and the fact that my future totally changed overnight. Just a horrible shock!

I've deleted all the apps! Just couldn't deal with the boring conversations going nowhere any more. People replying LOL to something rather than keeping the conversation going. People traveling so no idea if they are local or not. Men saying they want a relationship in their bio and then turning it straight to sex chat. Or asking you out for a date and then disappearing!

I've also stopped talking to Mr Ex after he cancelled one date and then the next date we had arranged, pretended that it had never been arranged and totally ignored it. I definitely was not any type of priority for him and no idea why he got in touch. I'm pleased though as I've just let it go with him, not asked what's going on. Its pretty obvious - there's nothing going on!

I'm chatting to someone I used to know ages ago, bit of a random connection on social media, we kept liking each others posts. I felt brave so send him a Happy Christmas message and he's picked up the vibe and asked me out on a date. He's away at the moment so won't be for a few weeks but quite exciting as its someone I already know and know mutual people too. So lets see :-)

Hi, I am back.... was on the thread previously and then posted a silly update about how happy I was from my OLD experience. We did go away together for Christmas and when we got back my Boyfriend said he needed space...

I am completely gutted and more upset than I thought I would be.

I have another thread but thought I may actually get more support here. I thought we were happy... I know I was. The holiday was lovely he said how much he liked me... then this. I wish he had done it prior to it so I could have spent christmas with family eating/crying my way through how I felt. I am now back at work and was fine until he text in reply to something days ago....

I need to block him but I also need my stuff back from his house so cannot do that at the moment. I just wish I wasnt so upset and confused by the whole thing. I don't think he met anyone else and he has been fairly quiet on social media etc. since. I have turned my phone off but could really do with a handhold.

Thanks cool. I dunno about previous iron, think ill just wing the conversation for now and see what happens

Handholding from a fairly similar situation here Minnie

@MinnieMul7 sorry to hear that 😢 how long had you been together?

thanks beyond I am just so deversated and I really don't know why.

wishy a year.

I don't feel strong enough to talk to anyone in real life yet but I have so much I want to say generally. I know he hasnt had a relationship for a while so maybe I do think he just got scared at it being a year, I don't know.

MovemberBlues here, reverting to previous name, better late than never...

I couldn't read and run Minnie, so I just wanted to hold your hand a bit. What a horrible shock for you, I'm so sorry. OLD is no different to any other sort of dating once you get to the BF stage then it ends suddenly and out of the blue. It massively sucks and you're left with questions that perhaps will never be answered. If you can move to the block stage ASAP though ie get your stuff back pronto, that would definitely be best. Then fall back on your work, and what sounds like your lovely family and friends, to see you through.

And keep off social media completely (but I say that to everyone - I am old and fuddy duddy so feel free to ignore)

thanks dogdays trying so hard to be strong... yeah I did try and get my stuff back yesterday but he was out all day and then didn 't have time in the evening as his sister had to go to hospital... that is true as I am friends with her on FB.

I hate the not having closure bit... just wish I knew what was happening. Honestly, 2018 was the best and strongest year I have had in so long and I feel like I am crumbling again. I think this week will be a write off for any productive work... may try and take a long weekend just to recover a little. Not had much time to myself since he said.

oh minnie I'm so sorry

Xmas does tend to bring out the worst in relationships :(

I wouldn't block him yet till you've got your stuff back but I would start switching to practical mode. Decide how you're going to get your stuff back and sort that out. Do everything you can to end any connections then block him after that.

This part is definitely the hardest/worst.

And I think saying 'I want space' is such a coward's way out of it. Why can't people communicate properly. It's so unfair and I'm so sorry you're going through this

thanks deffo I am half hoping that my stuff will be left on my door step when I get home. That will be best all around.. it would be completely safe there.

I know, he said that he wanted but needed space... I did say something like 'well I will have to let you go then' and he said 'I'm not sure that is what I want' and then the next day cut contact. I just don't understand...

Taking a bit of extra time out sounds like a great idea Minnie. And, once the confusion and shock have cleared a bit, moving to the angry stage as quickly as you possibly can!

Minnie sorry that things didn’t work out, what is it with men telling us how loved up and comfortable they are with us and then they wake up one day and say “actually, this isn’t working”, total head fucks

I have had a few messages on POF today, one I will reply too later it the rest look like losers. I messaged one of my irons yesterday wishing him a happy new year, we were plannng on meeting after Christmas, so far he hasn’t replied to my message which is a shame as he seems quite normal, has a good job and not bad looking.

I think this is the year i put myself back out there. I think.

Still to get divorced though. Can't believe I'm in this situation. Can i join you all?

@MinnieMul7 that must be hard after a year together and the way he's giving you the whole 'not sure what I want' sounds a bit like he's keeping you hanging on which isn't fair
Once you've got your stuff back then block him and take some time for yourself to heal

yeah Wishy that is the plan. I am doing pretty well at keeping my phone swicthed off and turning on intermittingly to check for missed calls from family etc. I don't really know what to do about my stuff as I don't like to keep asking. I can do without for now but would like it back at some point...

I think that is what is annoying me the most is the whole 'space', 'not sure what i want etc.' I think there is something more going on but if he won't open up about it then there is nothing I can do. I am not going to be the one to fix him. I know he had a hard time with an ex like 10 years ago and was crushed, but he would never say what happened.

I still have loads of holiday to take at work so going to book a few random 'me' days.

minnie that sounds like a good plan. The whole not knowing what he wants is a bit of a cop out really I think, keeping you in the sidelines in case his 'space' isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Walk away with your head held high ☺️

Been following this thread for 3 years but rarely post! Don’t have much luck dating and keep having breaks as I can’t seem to find the right guy.

Anyway latest guy, been on - couple of dates. Am I being really fussy to now potentially call it off over the fact he’s referenced “bloody csa payments” during a text chat (that had been going so well until that point!)

harriet I have always treated men who don't see their kids with utmost caution and men who don't pay their way. I would probe a bit further but be on your guard. I wouldn't necessarily dump him yet but just be well on your guard.

He does see his child. He said he used to see him more often but was limited to EOW by his ex and isn’t allowed to see him more. He had to wait for his alloated weekend over Christmas etc. Just got to me a bit that he references his payments for his child as “bloody payments.”
I don’t have kids but want them someday with someone decent.

Allotted*

I think we judge people fairly harshly on text messaging. So hard to get context. Acrimonious divorces often lead to people being funny about maintenance whether they should or shouldn't. I would try and have a chat to him about it - he shouldn't be having his access cut without a fight but I also know how tough these things are!

@HarrietOh yeah that would also worry me. The fact he pays via CSA means there has potentially been a problem getting him to pay. But, you might not know the whole story. I would be wary of any bloke who is having issues with 'access to children' and 'CSA payments'.
I am the most accommodating and understanding with my ex in terms of access to the kids and he doesn't even pay full maintenance and I've not caused a fuss about that. It seems every bloke I meet (or hear of) is being 'screwed over' by their ex and it makes me wonder if they are telling the truth.