Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me out the blue

132 replies

Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 07:09

Hi, I’ve only been married for 2 years and my husband worshipped the ground I walked on, all my family and friends could not believe how lucky I was that he doted on me, he was constantly telling me I was his best friend and soulmate, 4 weeks ago he said he had fallen out of love with me and he was leaving, that 10 min conversation was how he chose to end our marriage, he has completely cut me out his life, he works in London Monday to Friday and he said he could not get the home/work balance right anymore, I’m distraught

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 20/12/2018 07:12

I think he's met someone else, I'm afraid Sad

What a cruel, insensitive arse he is. I know it hurts now but you're better off without him Flowers

OliviaStabler · 20/12/2018 07:17

I also think he has met someone else. The work life balance could be something he talked to you about and worked through.

So sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Original poster
Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 07:19

He was always so against cheating, how could he go from one extreme to the other, he swears he hasn’t left me for someone else, he fell out of love with me because of my insecurities and low mood, I can not understand how he has cut me out his life so easily

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 20/12/2018 07:20

Deffo met somebody else sadly, she has probably given him the ultimatum to end things with you this side of xmas.
Better off without such a man.

Drogosnextwife · 20/12/2018 07:24

I wpuld also think he has met someone else especially if he has cit you out altogether.
Why would ypur family not believe you had met someone who loved you so much? Do they not think you deserve someone like that or perhaps they genuinely didn't believe him as in they saw through it as being a bit fake?

Thespace · 20/12/2018 07:26

I always think there is someone else when it comes completely out of the blue. When exh left we had been having serious problems for two years that we couldn’t resolve so it was just a matter of time before one of us ended it.

RollerJed · 20/12/2018 07:26

I don't necessarily think he's met someone else but I think London has seduced him and he wants that freedom rather than the 'family life'

Branleuse · 20/12/2018 07:29

Im sorry op.

Some men are like this. Constantly chasing the rush of new romance, but without any ability to sustain it long term.

BackInTheRoom · 20/12/2018 07:30

'Runaway Husband'. Go google it. You'll be searching endlessly for answers. It's Spousal Abandonment and it's a form of abuse. I'm so sorry, I know how painful this is 💐

AFistfulofDolores1 · 20/12/2018 07:32

I'm so sorry, OP. Flowers

From a psychological point of view, your husband's behaviour isn't so surprising, unfortunately. Full-on admissions of 'love' and actions reflecting this - all adding up to a sense of 'perfection' - are usually compensatory: they make up for a feeling of profound emptiness inside.

This is not to do with you, but to do with your DH and his psychological make up. Nothing ever fills that void.

So in a way he is right: he cannot find that balance - except that imbalance is an internal one.

Unless he takes the time to restore it with some kind of personal work, he'll never find it, no matter who he's with. I hope one day that gives you some small but significant consolation.

Doobee · 20/12/2018 07:32

You’re best to go see a solicitor and make sure everything is ok financially. This is very weird behaviour and extreme so make sure he doesn’t drain the bank account etc. You need a deed of separation ASAP so that he can’t take out loans in your name. You might be thinking he’d never do that but then you don’t really know this man. You thought you were his best friend. You don’t just cut off your best friend like this. There’s more to this

BackInTheRoom · 20/12/2018 07:32

9/10 there is someone else. They usually spin this bullshit line they haven't been happy for years but the truth is they are happy but they just need an excuse because they cheated and can't live with their guilt. All very predictable Hmm

FannytheW0nderDog · 20/12/2018 07:34

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. There's more to this than the work/ home life balance - that's just an excuse to cover up something else. My estranged husband (together 16 years) did the same to me this year - ended 'us' in a couple of brief talks and yes, he never cheated on me before and yes, there was someone else involved. I know it's a cliche but please take care of yourself. You will be feeling very hurt, angry, confused. You will probably be spending hours, days, weeks trying to figure it all out. He may come to his senses and come back pleading for forgiveness but there again he may not (and would you want him back after this shabby treatment?). Once you've cried and yelled, please get on with your own life as best as you can. Not giving someone you love the full story so that they can achieve closure is a cowardly pathetic thing to do. You deserve so much better from a man OP. In the meantime please surround yourself with supportive friends, family to get you through this tough time.

BackInTheRoom · 20/12/2018 07:35

If he is a Runaway Husband, They cut you out because of 'Compartmentalisation'. Nice and neat. Op it isn't because of you, it's them. Please don't shoulder the blame. 💐

Original poster
Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 07:50

Thanks for all your kind messages, we were still very intimate up to the weekend before he left which makes me think there couldn’t be anyone else, since he has left some of my friends have said they thought he was false, I felt like he had me on a pedestal, he said he couldn’t take the constant need for me wanting his attention but he showered me with it constantly, I can’t cope never hearing from him again, I feel like I wasn’t good enough

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/12/2018 08:02

Honestly he's using excuses, please don't think it's you. It's 'Blameshifting' OP, a convenient excuse.

Thespace · 20/12/2018 08:04

How long were you together before you got married?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 20/12/2018 08:05

Intimacy doesn't mean there isn't anyone else: he has attachment issues and that means he will behave erratically and irrationally.

I think your friends have the measure of him, and unfortunately we always fall off pedestals we're elevated on to.

Also, it's sometimes helpful to think about your feelings of being 'not good enough' are actually your husband's projected feelings on to you, which you have taken on. He feels entirely inadequate, I'm certain of it and he needs women to fill a void that he can never fill.

One day, I hope you'll be able to see that you are more than enough; and your partner will reflect that belief.

Flowers
Original poster
Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 08:17

Only a year, he said he fell in love with me after the firs date!!

OP posts:
Miggeldy · 20/12/2018 08:17

Cherchez la femme. She'll surface soon enough.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 08:19

Just after we got married he agreed to try for a baby, when I though I was pregnant he wanted me to wait and do the test together as he was excited, then when it was positive he said he never wanted another child and told me I had to have an abortion, I never really got over it so blame myself for that

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 20/12/2018 08:26

He sounds dreadful. Like a small child getting excited momentarily about a Christmas present before setting it to one side and opening the next one. He has treated you (and the baby) like this and his new woman is in for the same treatment.

Try to get a solicitor appointment asap OP. He's untrustworthy.

Itwasatuesday · 20/12/2018 08:31

As hard as it is this really really isn't about you. It's him. As others have said upthread this is a recognised type. There may or may not be another person but if there isn't, there probably soon will be, and he will love bomb her, adore her just the same, for a few years, then she won't measure up/won't solve his internal issues and rinse and repeat.

You need to give yourself time to grieve for the loss of the future you planned and the person you thought he was but don't regret him. You will recover and go on to have a better life without him. Flowers

astoundedgoat · 20/12/2018 08:32

Another child? So he had a family before he met you?

The over the top worshipping carry on would have had me on edge already - it sounds like he has a lot of things going on in his head that need to be resolved, and he will probably bound into his next relationship with the same excess.

A poster above pointed this out already though - your family was surprised that somebody loved you? That sounds like something you should explore further yourself.

I'm so sorry he manipulated you into an abortion - for that alone I could never forgive him.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2018 08:33

The more you say about him, the worse he sounds!! I know you don't feel like it now but he has done you a favour by leaning. And also by cutting you off.

Please make sure you are protected financially