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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me out the blue

132 replies

Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 07:09

Hi, I’ve only been married for 2 years and my husband worshipped the ground I walked on, all my family and friends could not believe how lucky I was that he doted on me, he was constantly telling me I was his best friend and soulmate, 4 weeks ago he said he had fallen out of love with me and he was leaving, that 10 min conversation was how he chose to end our marriage, he has completely cut me out his life, he works in London Monday to Friday and he said he could not get the home/work balance right anymore, I’m distraught

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikjayne · 23/12/2018 09:54

He bullied me into the abortion, he said he loved me so much he didn’t want to share me!! And wanted to have our time together

OP posts:
VodkaRevelation · 23/12/2018 10:04

Bless you. That is awful. He convinced you he wanted a child, seemed excited at the prospect and the test and then switched as soon as the test confirmed you were pregnant. You poor thing. He emotionally abused you. Please seek some support, maybe counselling.

VodkaRevelation · 23/12/2018 10:06

And please remember. This is not about something wrong with you. It’s all him.

MrsAJ27 · 23/12/2018 10:34

@Nikjayne I am sorry you are going through this. The best thing is no contact, he sounds manipulative and truly vile. In time you will see that you are better off without him! Flowers

OopsInamechangedagain · 23/12/2018 13:45

Just wondering if you missed my earlier question about his kids, how old are they and how often did you/he see them? It might give us a further insight into the kind of person he is.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 23/12/2018 14:05

I got the impression he had his kids on a false pedestal aswell and most of it was for show, because he worked in London mon to Friday we had them on a Friday night, it has been confirmed that he is seeing the girl he works with but claims he didn’t start until he left me, which I don’t believe!!x

OP posts:
Trifle72 · 23/12/2018 15:39

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Nikjayne · 23/12/2018 17:29

I am really struggling with how to move forward, he has told me to never contact him again though said the love he had for me was real but something in him changed!!

OP posts:
Trifle72 · 23/12/2018 17:56

the 'never contact me again' thing at this stage is deeply emotional and not helpful.

Something in him has changed - he's decided to publicly show you what a dick he can be. He's basically stopped caring about you and is 100% in selfish mode. That gives him strength (in the short term), but actually, he'll massively regret it later. If you show dignity and hold back, he will really, really regret the 'never contact me again' statement even more...

you move forward like all of us which have been completely and out of nowhere flummoxed by the actions of someone else, someone we thought we knew...

  1. Focus on your health 2) Focus on your life - family and job 3) Focus on anything but him.

Let him make his own mess. Don't help him out when it goes sour. It will.

But when it does go butt up, don't see and remember him as the 'good' person you fell in love with. He's, alas, not... at all.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 23/12/2018 17:57

I’m so sorry OP. What a horrible thing to happen.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 23/12/2018 21:40

At this moment in time I do t feel like I can go on, I just can’t stand how cold her is, it’s like we were never married, even though he says he only started a relationship 4 weeks ago when he left, I don’t believe him, I messaged her earlier which I probably should have done, but I’m an angry and hurt wife

OP posts:
carrotflinger · 23/12/2018 22:03

@Nikjayne do you have family and friends to support you?
It is a really horrible situation for you.

I know you feel like you can't go on, but you will be able to. You will find the strength. It's just so hard.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 24/12/2018 08:29

It is very hard to put a brave face on at Xmas! I did not get a very pleasant message back from the girlfriend, she said I had broke him with my childish insecurities and that I was too demanding, now I know it’s just my side of the story on here but he was so immature and I only ever asked him to just not go out drinking so much every night while he was away, he was clearly out with her! I just don’t know how to stop blaming myself

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 24/12/2018 08:59

Sorry this has happened. Try to stop blaming yourself, it’s not your fault your husband is a cheating cunt. He’s using your depression as an excuse for his behaviour which is despicable at best. He’s probably spun the “new” girlfriend a pack of lies too.

I’ve been where you are. It’s hard but time really does help. The best thing I did was stop being upset and started being angry with him. Be kind to yourself x

Original poster
Nikjayne · 24/12/2018 13:25

He swears that the girlfriend was nothing to do with our split, one minute he says something in him changed then the next minute he said he couldn’t put up with my low moods and anxiety, but the fact that he was in the pub every night didn’t help, even if he didn’t sleep with her till he left me, I still think it’s wrong that he was confiding in her about his marriage

OP posts:
willbefine88 · 24/12/2018 13:42

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine how much hurt you’re going through right now. I went through something 4 months ago, not the exact same as what you’re going through but I know how it feels. I totally collapsed and I wanted to kill myself I wished it could all ended into darkness. But hey, I’m still here.

Please surround yourself with loved ones, people who truly care about you, with them you don’t need to put on a brave face. Cry when you need to and make sure you look after yourself. It will get better, I don’t know how long it will take you. But you will rise above all this.

Ofcourse that d*khead met the girl and had an affair with her before he breaking up with you. He’s rushing into this because it’s exciting, we’ll lets wait and see. Karma is a b*ch.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 26/12/2018 14:01

So my estranged husband chose xmas day to delete everyone of our mutual friends off social media so no one can see what he is up too, I really though my kids would get a message off him yesterday as they were so close, but nothing!! I can’t believe how heartless he is after adoring me! I wonder if he will ever contact me again!!

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 26/12/2018 17:22

Well hasn't the ow got herself an absolute peach!

Please stop communicating with him - and her (if it is indeed her messaging). Block them both on all social media and get thee to a SHL ASAP. And Freedom Programme - a PP mentioned this, you looked it up yet?

And you do not want him to contact you again. Start getting angry and protect yourself. Stop pining. He has done you a massive favour. Huge.

And I am sorry to say - you also need an STI test.

gladheart · 26/12/2018 19:25

From what you've posted I can't help thinking your ex has created a fake persona for you. His actions pre and post break up are so at odds that it sounds to me like you fell in love with a ghost he created. I may be projecting because an ex of mine did this - the man he pretended to be (and I fell in love with) just didn't exist. If felt so duped.

createdSane · 26/12/2018 19:26

I went NC by the way. I recommend it because you won't find any rhyme or reason to his actions and he's probably moved onto his next fantasy life. (Again, big caveat that I may be projecting).

Original poster
Nikjayne · 27/12/2018 08:32

I know it is still early days but he is all I think about day and night, I think about how affectionate he always was and I can not get my round how he give me no clue that he was going to leave, I would have done something if I had known he was unhappy, I just don’t know what to believe, as he said he hated cheating so did he wait and start a new relationship after he left but then again if he was letting himself fall for her he was still cheating, surely when you split up it involves more than one 10 min conversation

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 27/12/2018 12:36

all you need to know is he conned you.

They all claim to hate cheating - ignore everything he said and looks at his actions. They show the real man.

You booked your STI test yet?

carrotflinger · 27/12/2018 12:43

He's not going to say "hey, cheating's a great idea....I'm definitely going to cheat"
He's going to say any old bollocks to keep you sweet. My ex was the same. It all turned out to be bullshit.

And even if they do believe their "I hate cheating" when they are tempted they turn it all round on the gf or dw to justify their appalling behaviour. My wife doesn't understand me. She was depressed. She was too negative....if she'd been more upbeat, prettier, slimmer, cooked better meals blahblah...I would never have been forced to cheat.

MeOldChina · 27/12/2018 12:49

Stay on this thread and keep reminding yourself of what an awful man he was, and how lucky you are to not have to spend another minute with him.

You didn't do anything wrong, though none of us are perfect. What he has done throughout your relationship is far far worse than any thing he can throw back at you.

It will get better OP.

gendercritter · 27/12/2018 12:51

Op this is a really sad thread.

I don't know if you're even able to hear this right now but this man conned you. He was never the man he pretended to be and worse there were some serious red flags from the start and you either missed them or weren't able to see them.

As devastated as you are, all you can do now is get through this and work on how you approach any future relationships. People being very keen very quickly is a really bad sign. They are either projecting a lot onto you or moulding you into something in their heads so you fit a role they want you to play. It's something to run a mile from. What he did with the abortion was reason enough for you to run screaming in the opposite direction too.

It won't feel like it now but you've had a lucky escape. Cut contact. Block him. Lick your wounds and move on.

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