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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has left me out the blue

132 replies

Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 07:09

Hi, I’ve only been married for 2 years and my husband worshipped the ground I walked on, all my family and friends could not believe how lucky I was that he doted on me, he was constantly telling me I was his best friend and soulmate, 4 weeks ago he said he had fallen out of love with me and he was leaving, that 10 min conversation was how he chose to end our marriage, he has completely cut me out his life, he works in London Monday to Friday and he said he could not get the home/work balance right anymore, I’m distraught

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 20/12/2018 22:17

He made you have an abortion? Just from your posts he sound like a prize prick and very fake and a bit of an attention seeker. Most attention seekers are liars.

gladheart · 20/12/2018 22:33

Nah. He left you because he met someone and is 'victim blaming ' to make himself feel better about it. There is nothing wrong with you, don't let him make you feel that there is. He's a shit.

Moominfan · 20/12/2018 22:40

He's trying to ease his guilt.

Original poster

Nikjayne · 21/12/2018 06:59

He was always so against cheating and hated people for doing it so if he really hasn’t cheated all his life it is hard for me to not blame myself when he has done it with me, who was supposed to be his best friend and soul mate, maybe the job in London has changed him abit, I suppose I will never know

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 21/12/2018 07:24

Mine said he'd never cheat after growing up in the devastation of infidelity and a family blown apart from it yet he did cheat. Honestly it isn't you OP, he cheated because he wanted to.

www.chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/

RyderWhiteSwan · 21/12/2018 07:24

Please stop blaming yourself. He is simply another bloke who dumped his DP for someone new and shiny. Reading through threads here will confirm how common this is.

He wasn't much of a prize, as you'll come to realise after the initial shock has worn off.

cakecakecheese · 21/12/2018 07:25

Please don't blame yourself. I know you suffer from poor self esteem and this can't help so I would suggest seeing a councellor to work on this as well as talking through all this as it has understandably left you reeling.

It really isn't your fault, look at at his behaviour: declaring love on the first date, wanting kids then telling you to have an abortion, all the dramatic statements about various things then doing complete turnarounds, there's something not right about this guy.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/12/2018 07:30

OP, if you read my posts above they explain why he did it. This has nothing to do with you. It never did. All his protestations were to cover up the truth - to himself as well as to others. If you were to ask him, he wouldn't be able to give you an explanation either. That is the power of denial and compensatory defences.

ravenmum · 21/12/2018 07:56

You really think he's the first man to change his mind about how bad cheating is when he does it himself? He is truly not that special.

If all the men that did this were narcissists and sociopaths I'd be scared to go out the door. This is sadly just your normal human behaviour, doing something bad and then finding a way to convince yourself that it is OK. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

ravenmum · 21/12/2018 07:57

He didn't declare his love on the first date, did he? I thought he just told you later that he had fallen in love with you on the first date?

user1483972886 · 21/12/2018 08:03

My 1st husband left after 2 years of marriage. I went in a business trip and he left a long letter on the kitchen table. He disappeared for 2 weeks (turned out he was on holiday in Greece). We met up again 6 months later and got divorced 2 years later. There was no one else. He said he couldn't cope with being married!?

user1483972886 · 21/12/2018 08:04

Counselling really helped. My husband changed his mind during our marriage about having children too...

Loopytiles · 21/12/2018 08:07

He SAID he was against cheating. Words are cheap.

You married a man about whom there were red flags - early intensity and “love bombing” after only one year. Who pressured you to have an abortion.

You’re well rid of him.

Original poster

Nikjayne · 21/12/2018 08:20

No he didn’t declare his love on the first date just after a couple of dates he claimed straight away he knew he would be madly in love with me

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 21/12/2018 08:24

I am so sorry op. You must be in bits as this is a man you thought you knew, but he's actually a total stranger.

His behaviour over your pregnancy was atrocious. Plus the putting someone on a pedestal/worshipping them/viewing the relationship as some kind of state of perfection, does not sound healthy. There is more to all of this for sure, but I am not 100% convinced there is someone else. Whatever is really going on, it isn't you. It really isn't. Hold on to that

startingafresh1 · 21/12/2018 08:24

OP I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Lots of helpful posts here. IMO you would benefit from trying to get your head around 3 key things:

Your DH has been acting a part. He has very cleverly lied about who he is. I know you desperately want to understand him but doing so is practically impossible.

Your low self esteem is very understandable but it has helped him to get away with his lies.

Therapy with a psychologist or psychotherapist would help you recover from this.

Look after yourself, lean on friends and family IRL .

AgentJohnson · 21/12/2018 10:16

Unfortunately with people of this type, it’s hard to separate the real them from the part they have chosen to play. You are right, in that you will never know what was real because such people are great actors and even they probably can’t separate themselves from their performances.

Stop focusing on the nonsense that you were somehow not worthy of him but on the obvious red flags you chose to ignore.

You appear to have prized being worshipped and put on a pedestal above being respected. Low self esteem is a beacon to such characters and you’d do well raising it before embarking on another relationship.

Original poster

Nikjayne · 22/12/2018 21:11

So I found out he brought his new girlfriend up from London last weekend just 4 weeks after leaving me, I am so upset about how insensitive he is being, he just mustn’t have cared for me at all

OP posts:

carrotflinger · 22/12/2018 21:42

How awful @Nikjayne.
People like that don't care about anyone but themselves. I now realize that my ex is also like that.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/12/2018 21:52

None of this is about you op. It's all about him him him.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this

Original poster

Nikjayne · 22/12/2018 22:05

I can’t cope with the total loss of contact, it’s like we aren’t even married,I keep thinking if I hadn’t bagged him about being out drinking every night when he was in London mon-fri and didn’t have insecurities and low self esteem it wouldn’t have drove him away

OP posts:

carrotflinger · 22/12/2018 22:16

It wasn't your self-esteem and insecurities that drove him away.
Mine also did the drinking whenever he felt like it thing and as soon as I said anything about it he'd throw a mega strop. He didn't give a shit what effect his drinking was having on me. He left twice and the first time he claimed that any other woman would accept his drinking, it was just me expecting too much.
I felt like you back then - I wished I had never mentioned the drinking etc. then he would have stayed. He had also done the love-bombing, worshipping thing - love you more than life itself etcetec... and then suddenly... don't love you anymore, Bye.
BUT if it hadn't been me trying to keep the drinking in check it would have been some other excuse.
The same applies in your case - he just used the excuse of your low self-esteem etc to prove he his hard done by etcetc blah blah, therefore meaning he does not have to feel guilty about doing off with another woman.

I really feel for you. And yes, losing all contact so suddenly is hell.

Original poster

Nikjayne · 23/12/2018 09:26

I’m desperate to message him as I’m really struggling with no contact, yet I know he has moved on so obviously doesn’t care about me at all

OP posts:

Etino · 23/12/2018 09:36

Don’t message him.
It’s him not you.
Look up the Freedom Programme.
What are your Christmas plans?

VodkaRevelation · 23/12/2018 09:39

Don’t blame yourself about nagging him. He did this. Don’t wish for contact, don’t hope he’ll change his mind. What he is doing now: that’s who he is. Let it negate ‘lovely’ person he was before now.

Did you have the baby, or did he force you to have an abortion?

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