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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me out the blue

132 replies

Nikjayne · 20/12/2018 07:09

Hi, I’ve only been married for 2 years and my husband worshipped the ground I walked on, all my family and friends could not believe how lucky I was that he doted on me, he was constantly telling me I was his best friend and soulmate, 4 weeks ago he said he had fallen out of love with me and he was leaving, that 10 min conversation was how he chose to end our marriage, he has completely cut me out his life, he works in London Monday to Friday and he said he could not get the home/work balance right anymore, I’m distraught

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 27/12/2018 13:00

One day you will see him for what he is.
There will have been several other women by then, possibly more kids.
Leave him to rot. The pain you are feeling will pass, you will wake up one day, or just be sat one evening, in the supermarket, out walking whatever and out will have your epiphany.

One day you will be relieved that you are not inextricably linked to him,.

But 💐 for what he bullied you into doing and for the heartbreak he's wrought.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 27/12/2018 16:32

I don’t think he conned me as he was so loving and caring, I just think I gave him too much off a hard time about being out every night when he worked away then putting too much pressure on him at a weekend to do things as a family, and if I had got over the baby he wouldn’t have felt like he had to walk on egg shells, the message I got off the girlfriend said I had broke him and I was the only one to blame for the marriage breakdown, she said I was too demanding, which I wasn’t, maybe I did push him to her

OP posts:
gendercritter · 27/12/2018 16:45

Yeah you are nowhere near ready to be able to absorb what I wrote. That's a huge shame. Maybe one day.

MeOldChina · 27/12/2018 17:10

@Nikjayne a loving and caring man does not make you have an abortions

A loving and caring man does not leave you for a woman at the office and then have the audacity to tell you that it is your fault.

This man is horrible. He is good at pretending to be nice. He is not good for you.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 27/12/2018 17:18

He said it was because he wanted us to enjoy your life together when our kids were older, he should not have allowed me to stop contraception,
He was constantly txting me loving messages and used to ring me 3 or 4 times a day, yet he said he could not take how much attention I needed, it was more him

OP posts:
BIWI · 27/12/2018 17:25

This man did not love you!. He loves himself and himself only.

Please stop blaming yourself. And please stop saying things like if I had got over the baby he wouldn’t have felt like he had to walk on egg shells This is truly chilling.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Original poster
Nikjayne · 27/12/2018 18:00

Bet his new girlfriend doesn’t know how he forced me into a termination! That wasn’t mentioned in her awful reply, I found aswell since his new job in London he became more arrogant, I feel like he couldn’t cope with the stress of the job so chose to give up on his marriage instead

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 27/12/2018 18:01

Nikjayne, of course she told you it was your fault. Her agenda is to feel superior and to crush you. Do not accept the blame for his brutal behavior towards you. If he had concerns, he should have shared them with you instead of cheating.

This man is unstable, and could be a sociopath who has no conscience. If so, he is an empty, hollow person who never truly bonds with or loves anyone. He manipulates others for his own gain.

Gendercritter is correct that your relationship is littered with red flags. His constant, over-the-top declarations of adoration, but then dumping you in a 10 minute conversation? His agreement to have a baby and excitement to check the test with you, only to immediately change his mind and demand a termination?

This man is a danger to others. Do not beat yourself up analyzing how you pushed him away. You didn’t. He has conned and used you, and you are fortunate to be rid of him. You should seek counseling to help you heal your emotional wounds and learn to recognize and avoid manipulative abusers.

Darkbendis · 27/12/2018 18:30

"he shouldn't have allowed me to stop contraception"

Darling lady, in the future you will realise you had a lucky escape. Even though you dont see it now. This man is horrilble, he is a sociopath and no, it is not you who has destroyed this relationship. It's been him all this time.

Motoko · 27/12/2018 18:44

God, he's really fucked with your mind. This man was/is abusive. I would even go so far as to say, he deliberately got you pregnant, so he could then bully you into having a termination. That's why he acted all excited about doing the test together, he really wanted to crush you.

His gf has been told his lies. Like you did, she believes him. He will be lovebombing her, exactly as he did to you. She will also be thinking that he loves and adores her. She will also suffer at his hands, and one day, she will look back and realise that he lied to her about you, because he's done exactly the same to her.

You need to find your anger, and stop blaming yourself, because IT'S ALL HIM.

Please go and speak to your GP. You need some counselling to counteract the damage he's done to your mental health.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 27/12/2018 19:41

You are all very kind but I am partly to blame for this, I was insecure,mainly cause he worked away and in the pub every night and I suffer from low self esteem so never though I was good enough, even though everybody said he was punching above his weight,ha he used to tell me tales about this woman who has ended up with and made her sound like she liked a good drink and fun with no ties!

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 27/12/2018 21:18

So my estranged husband chose xmas day to delete everyone of our mutual friends off social media......

Hmmm, it's almost as if he tried to inflict maximum pain? 😉

....so no one can see what he is up too...

Surely they already do?

I really though my kids would get a message off him yesterday as they were so close, but nothing!!

So what does this tell you?

I can’t believe how heartless he is after adoring me!

I know it's weird right?! On one hand you say he adored you and on the other he felt nagged about his drinking? Which is it?

I wonder if he will ever contact me again!!

Well he probably will about finances.

IMO, he is disordered, he love bombed you, he devalued you, met this woman and discarded you. If he is a Narcissist, he might come and hoover you back up?

HeavenlyEyes · 27/12/2018 21:19

The way you write just shows how insecure and vulnerable you are and how you are the perfect target for a 'man' such as this!

You need some counselling or something, you need to find your self and esteem and you need to get bloody angry!

He is an utter prick, a vile excuse of a human being who lied and cheated. Please tell me you have blocked all contact with him and the OW?

And why the feck would you want a man who is in the pub every night anyway? Does he also have alcohol issues? So the new OW is a drinking buddy to justify his own I guess?

This man was a village fete of red flagged bunted flapping loud and clear - you just didn't see it.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 27/12/2018 21:47

I think I tried to let the pub every night thing go as he worked away from home mon to Friday, mind he wasn’t in a shitty hotel the company paid for a gorgeous flat, so I tried to say a couple of nights in wouldn’t hurt as he loved watching TV, but when I said that he said he didn’t want to start doing that otherwise he might aswell set up home their! He does like to drink a lot, too much but hated me mentioning it, I gathered she likes a drink aswell

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 27/12/2018 22:27

I tried to say a couple of nights in wouldn’t hurt as he loved watching TV.....

You sound very reasonable OP, no nagging here!

.....but when I said that he said he didn’t want to start doing that otherwise he might aswell set up home their!

Fantastic excuse! Bravo! He's good isn't he!

He does like to drink a lot, too much but hated me mentioning it.....

Funny that?! Almost like you were holding up a mirror to him?

I gathered she likes a drink aswell

Somebody that likes the same as him and wouldn't give him any grief? Somebody who doesn't challenge him? Sounds great!

At some point it's going to get boring, the same old same old? Or they really develop this drinking malarkey and go down the rabbit hole together and develop alcoholism? And when they come up for air and it's not fun anymore, I wonder if he'll use the excuse 'She drinks too much' or 'she was controlling'?

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 27/12/2018 23:11

Sadly OP I’ve been where you are. It took me a good few years and a lot of therapy to get over it, but a decade on I’m happy, married to a kind and good man and so grateful that that prick left me. Seek some help, counselling or therapy. You need it. He’s done a number on you, but it’s not your fault. You trusted him. Many of us have been there.

Original poster
Nikjayne · 28/12/2018 08:14

I miss him so much I am fighting the urge to message him and appeal to the loving side I know

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 28/12/2018 08:34

I miss him so much I am fighting the urge to message him and appeal to the loving side I know

What do you think he'll say?

Original poster
Nikjayne · 28/12/2018 08:54

He will probably either ignore me or tell me to leave him alone, I think just one little bit of me is hoping he feels some remorse, I suppose not as he was in my daughters life for 4 years and left without saying anything to them!x

OP posts:
Stormy76 · 28/12/2018 09:52

I have read the whole thread and you sound like you are still in shock to me, there is a period of disbelief when a relationship ends and I think that's where you are. He has been extremely manipulative and so cruel to you, any man who encourages you to get pregnant then demands you abort the baby is a disgusting human being. You need to keep reminding your self of all the awful things he did write a list of them and when you feel yourself wobbling please read the list. You need to be able to keep a sense of perspective about the situation, please look into the freedom programme and get some counselling. Abuse comes in many forms, mental abuse is just as bad as physical. I suspect that he is sociopathic because his behaviour has absolutely zero regard for you, he has used you up and discarded you much like he will with the tart he is currently propping a bar up with.

Stormy76 · 28/12/2018 09:55

you don't want this to happen to your daughters, remember they will be watching what's happening. Don't ever let them see a man use you as a door mat to wipe his feet on, right now that's what he is doing so you need pick your self up and show them how strong you are.

BIWI · 28/12/2018 13:55

appeal to the loving side I know

But that side of him is pure fiction. Everything he's said and done to you clearly shows that there really is no loving side. Except the side that loves himself.

SandyY2K · 28/12/2018 14:10

Don't contact him. In the new year I'd be wanting to know when he's filing for divorce.

Do not think all men are like this. Good luck to his GF who thinks she has a prize.

She is going on what he told her about you. I'm sensing she is immature from her reply to you.

Jaxhog · 28/12/2018 14:28

He sounds like a self centered, self indulgent twat. It was never about you, just about him. Ultimately, you will be grateful you found out now rather than in 10 years time.

Get your finances sorted and a good friend to support you. Good luck!

willbefine88 · 29/12/2018 13:42

OP, I think everyone here describing him as a prick, a piece of shit a liar, a vile being etc none of that would go down well in your heart because you still believe and remember the “kind-hearted” “loving” “sweet” version of him and you won’t be able to comprehend how that turned into this crap. Which is absolutely fine, no one can make you think otherwise until you really see that for yourself. And trust me you will. You’re going enough self blame right now, you feel like you’re at fault, the next stage you will realise what a piece of junk he is and then you will get angry. And then after all that there will come healing. So just take your time to go through this fuckedupness! (I’m sorry everyone for my language here).

You don’t have to think of him as a devil, but look, he’s beyond confused. He’s probably fooled you and fooled the world into thinking how loving he was, most of all he fooled himself as well. You will probably never find the answer as to what really did happen that lead you here, but perhaps there’s no answer at all, people are fucked up and messed up and they can’t control their feelings sometimes. He seems to be the type that jumps right into a relationship declaring his love and gets very emotional, he’s probably declared his undying love for this new woman as well...good luck to her! You’ve dodged a massive bullet OP, you won’t see it like this, but this is an unstable man and he won’t change. He might find his remorse and crawl back to you, but then he’s a wild card and he will explode again there’s nothing you can do about it, so best to stay away from it. It’s NOT YOU. It’s really HIM.