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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has left me and now I'll be having Christmas alone.

154 replies

Glorianaz · 19/12/2018 17:24

I am devastated and I have nobody to talk to. I found messages to other women and now he has told me he doesn't like me or want me and he wants a divorce. We have 2 children. Big Christmas planned with his family that our eldest is really looking forward to. Youngest is a baby and it's her first Christmas.

I can't believe this is happening to me. How do I even begin to deal with this?

OP posts:

MadMum101 · 20/12/2018 20:11

Well working on the assumption that the OP is the primary carer of the DC, one a baby, the H may not be used to being responsible for meeting all the DCs needs for days at a time on his own Weights. Obviously he will have to get used to it but its early days and in the OP's position I'd want to make sure he had trusted help so the DCs don't suffer.

PolkaDoting · 20/12/2018 20:19

I think ringing the in laws to ensure the children’s safety would seem ridiculous.

Weightsandmeasures · 20/12/2018 20:23

But the OP seems comfortable with her husband being with the kids without her. Why can't her views and feelings be respected by Mumsneters?

She may be the primary carer but he is their father and there has been no reason to believe he would bring harm to his kids. Just because he doesn't live their mum any more it does not mean he automatically becomes an unsafe parent. Presumably there will be shared custody in the future?

Weightsandmeasures · 20/12/2018 20:26

OP, keep your wits about you. Don't lower yourself by making a drama out of this by calling in-laws to ensure safety of your kids, etc.

I hope you do go. If you don't, do whatever allows you to feel better. A safe place to scream and cry might prove cathartic.

Weightsandmeasures · 20/12/2018 20:26

*love their mum anymore

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 20:34

Oh FGS. I wasn't insinuating the H was 'unsafe'! I meant that the DC are looked after. I imagine the H will have a lot on his mind after facing his family knowing that they know what he's done and if they are decent people there may well be a bit of ill feeling.

The H is hardly a reliable person with his DCs best interests at heart is he?

It was a suggestion as to how the OP could approach his family. 'H will be down with the DC but I can't face it, I'd really appreciate it if you could make sure they have a good time and are affected as little as possible' type of thing.

I think people deliberately take things out of context on here .

Weightsandmeasures · 20/12/2018 20:39

Unsafe, not properly looked after. You are still assuming he is incapable of properly parenting his children. Equally, in the OP's distress, she may not be able to "looked after" the kids (whatever that means).

CallMeRachel · 20/12/2018 21:00

Yes he's still at home. I slept in his arms last night which I know sounds ridiculous and weak

Be wary about wrapping your fragile self in the arms of the very person who has destroyed you.

It's natural that you'll feel better with his love and support but never forget what he's been doing and the words he said. He doesn't love you and doesn't want you with him and his kids and family at Christmas.

Let someone else put there arms round you for now, get him to move out. It's so unfair for him to still be there while putting you through all this.

SandyY2K · 20/12/2018 21:08

Why can't her views and feelings be respected by Mumsneters?

I totally agree.

It seems everyone else here knows her H will be distracted at the family break up.

He may be relieved and happy about his decision. We don't know .... but all the "keep your kids with you"
"They won't be happy without you" and "my 6 yo would prefer to be with me" is projection and assumptions.

He's done a crap thing by cheating... but the OP is thinking of her DC.

My DC enjoy time with their cousins on my side of the family... even if I happened to cheat... they'd still want to be with their cousins.

It's a horrible thing to happen especially at this time of year ... but at least his sister sounds helpful.

Original poster

Glorianaz · 20/12/2018 21:22

My children will absolutely be safe and cared for with their dad or I never would agree to him having them. He's turned out to be a shit husband but he's an amazing dad.

His sister knows what has happened, I don't really feel the need to ring everybody else and let them know. I've asked him to ensure nothing will be discussed around our eldest and I trust he will do that.

I have given him my whole life for 9 years relocated for him gave up my career to have our children (I was not forced to do this) and now it's hard to imagine what life will be without him. I'm terrified. I really just want to rewind and for this to not have happened but I know I'm going to need to face it.

I did go to the doctors today and have been given anti depressants. I have counselling once a week which has stirred a lot up but I won't be seeing her over the Christmas period.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 20/12/2018 21:54

Glad you went to the doctors, hope the antidepressants help.

I wish you had someone to comfort you other than him! What's the situation with your family, why aren't you close to them? Would they support you if they knew what you were going through? Do you have any close friends or have you lost touch with them too?

Have you and your husband discussed living arrangements, is he planning to move out or move into a different bedroom at least?

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 21:59

I'm so sorry this happened to you, I know you say is an amazing dad but really if he was that amazing would he not have handled this more sensitively so as not to upset their home life so badly?

PersonaNonGarter · 20/12/2018 22:01

Please stay with your DC over Christmas. DO NOT BE PARTED FROM THEM.

Be really assertive about this. Future You needs you to stay with them, not martyr yourself. It is a short time. Grit your teeth, get through it.

Then get angry and get rid of H.

Singletomingle · 20/12/2018 22:13

Similar position it was supposed to be the first time in 7 years that we would spend Christmas day with my family. I've been told that our DC wont want to see me and if I want them to get presents off me to deliver them this weekend or they won't recieve them. The reason is they are going to the other side of the country for the whole week tbh I'm absolutely heartbroken I wont get to see them open a single present.

PolkaDoting · 21/12/2018 00:19

To be honest I read posts like the one from PersonaNonGarter and I think it’s no wonder so many kids are fucked up through divorce! Attitudes like that are v damamaging I think!

Renarde1975 · 21/12/2018 13:25

No. Disagree. Persona is correct and being very wise.

OP is doing precisely what I did and it will backfire. Three reasons. Kids need her and she needs them. It will give her focus.

Second is how it will be perceived down the line and the implications of that. Which could be massive.

Thirdly, losing her husband then temporarily her kids will weaken the OPs response to this obvious abuse. Because the H will be back. The OP will let him back because she's virtually on the floor anyway and abuse will continue. It will even get worse.

billybagpuss · 21/12/2018 13:37

Is it the relocation that causes you to be less close to your own family?

You need a support network right now, maybe you could try and reconnect.

Santasushi · 21/12/2018 13:39

I went through similar op. My children went to the in laws and had a lovely day. I said that I was unwell and staying at home. They were so excited that they didn’t mind.

Sending lots of love your way.

Polkapjs · 21/12/2018 13:43

Absolutely what others say. No doubt your eldest wants to see his cousins- but assuming you’re there too. Of course he’ll want you more. If you can go and be civil then do that

Sisterlove · 21/12/2018 17:00

Kids need her and she needs them. It will give her focus.

It's one day. She's not abandoning her DC FGS.

Far too much drama and women thinking they are the best and preferred parent on here.

Molakai · 22/12/2018 08:34

I went through similar op. My children went to the in laws and had a lovely day. I said that I was unwell and staying at home. They were so excited that they didn’t mind.

I'm so sorry you went through this Santasushi but what a wonder mum you are. You put your children first.

Don't feel pressured or guilty OP. Supporting your children to have a fun day with their extended family is great! It has no bearing on what you do next and does not set a precedent other than showing you have the best interests of your children at heart.
And as I said earlier. By this time next year you will be in a very different place, looking forward to a new Christmas planned with your dc!

deepwatersolo · 22/12/2018 08:55

I think it is a question of the dynamic. If OP needs the time for herself and the idea of Christmas with kids alone is overwhelming, and won’t feel robbed of her kids on Christmas, nothing wrong with letting kids go with dad.

If OP feels cast aside by DH and family, has been given the feeling to not be ‚enough‘ for the kids, that is bullshit, kids usually love being with mum. Then I‘d keep them. Cousins are nice, but don‘t beat Mum.

If there is energy to ‚stand your ground‘ with the family, so DH can‘t do all the framing, OP giving a (nonverbal) statement ‚I am here, I am the kids‘ mother, I won‘t go silently into the night‘ that would be ideal from a strategic standpoint, (though I think talking with SIL has that pretty much covered now) and the kids could have cousins and mum.

It really comes down to how OP feels about it.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 09:02

He frankly deserves to miss his kids and personally I think the OP should be with them for the good of her own mental health

Right now it's not about the parents, it's about doing what's best for the kids, and the op is a big enough person to put her children first.

GoodStuffAnnie · 22/12/2018 09:10

Why is everyone obsessed with Christmas?

It’s not that big a deal to all of us. Op is fine with it (as would I be for what it’s worth).

She’s not fine with other stuff and she’s asking for help.

Op - you seem very pragmatic and practical. As that is your nature maybe it might help to write a list. Or maybe it might help to start a diary and every evening dump all your feelings down.

What do you think your next step should be? (Job etc)

The anger will come when it comes, but come it will.

Molakai · 22/12/2018 09:22

It really comes down to howOPfeels about it.

The OP has said how she feels about! She had made her decision before starting the thread and has reiterated that the children will be fine going with their father to their grandparents.
Christmas day is not the issue for the OP - it's the enormity of what's happened.

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