My husband has left me and now I'll be having Christmas alone.

[Glorianaz]

I am devastated and I have nobody to talk to. I found messages to other women and now he has told me he doesn't like me or want me and he wants a divorce. We have 2 children. Big Christmas planned with his family that our eldest is really looking forward to. Youngest is a baby and it's her first Christmas.

I can't believe this is happening to me. How do I even begin to deal with this?

Keep the kids with you.
He is the one who has done this. Broken the family. Look after your self and the children, you come first now. Don't be letting him off the hook for this, he had behaved very badly, make sure everyone knows that.

@Deep. It is an awful situation but both parents can come to an agreement and put the kids first. They will have to do this in the future many times.

I also do not think it's a good idea for the OP to spend Christmas alone by herself or alone with the kids. It sounds like it will be a miserable time. For the OP or kids to have a good time alone with her, she'd have to dig really deep and she doesn't sound like she's at that stage to do this. It sounds like it would be pretty hard for her.

I also liked the idea of the OP letting the kids go with her husband to be with the extended family and using the time to put her affairs in order.

I'm really so sorry. It's not only Christmas but also ringing in the new year. OP I sincerely wish you the best.

I'm so sorry. How awful for you at this time of year particularly. Not ideal but how about keeping the youngest with you at least? In the new year focus on building up a support network if you have no close family of your own. Toddler groups, single parent groups etc etc.

I have only been married for 2 years and my husband worshipped the ground I walked on, all my friends and family could not believe how much he adored me, he would constantly tell me I was his best friend and soul mate, 4 weeks ago he left me out the blue saying he had fell out of love with me and was adamant he was never coming back, that 10 minute conversation was how I chose to end our marriage, he says there is no one else and has always hated cheaters but he works away mom- fri, I am blaming myself for not being good enough and thinking I must have done something wrong,he has completley cut me out his life, he can’t possibly have loved me like he said he did to change so quickly

Oh Nikjayne, that's awful. There must be something going on. His behaviour is not normal. He is not telling you the truth.

You are better off without him. You must know that deep down. You'll get through this. Promise yourself you will get through it.

This is awful OP. What a bastard. I'm so sorry.
As was suggested by PP I would go along with the kids to your inlaws, get the presents and bring them home. I would make sure his family know why.
Kids don't need a lot to be happy and at 6 they are easily distracted. I most definitely would not let that selfish man just push you out.

Her DH doesn't want her at his parents house. I wouldn't go where I wasn't welcome personally.

The baby is too small to know any different. Older DC has been looking forward to this and Christmas with mum will be boring to a 6 year old, who was expecting to see his cousins.

It is not DH‘s House, though, Sister. Inlaws didn‘t disinvite her. Also, I would never send my children off to some place where I am not welcome.

As was suggested by PP I would go along with the kids to your inlaws, get the presents and bring them home

I think that would be extremely confusing for the 6 year old and be unnecessarily upsetting for him.

I would never send my children off to some place where I am not welcome.

That's not a luxury most separated parents have.

You can talk to us OP.
Sleep on it and come back with more thoughts tomorrow. Right now you are in shock. You don’t really want to set a precedent and let him take the kids for xmas. You are the most important person in those kids lives. You are number1. Start believing in yourself. Mum matters more than cousins. Get angry with your crappy husband. Arsehole. Tell him that his timing sucks and kids are yours at xmas and he can bog off. It will just be me and my kids on xmas day. It’s lovely. We stay in pjs all day. Long breakfast on duvets in front of movies. Late lunch with Mariah Carey music tunes...xmas lights, fire on, duvets and warm drinks and lots of Christmassy TV and the kids eat sweets and choc. Not everyone sees cousins and you just need to make the day your own. New traditions start now. You can do this.

Chumplady helped me so much to navigate whether to stay or go.

Molokai OP has the choice now, though, as she has not been disinvited from the inlaws nor is she forced to let the kids go there. So your ‚no choice‘ argument does not stick either way.

Molokai you do not think it would be very confusing for kids to celebrate Chistmas separate from mum?

I would tell your sister in law what has happened and go any way.
I am wondering whether he has separated you from your family and friends so that you have been isolated and have no support system. Under no circumstances should you set a precedent of being apart from the children.

Bluejay Um no, the children come first. The child wants to go to see and play with his family.

Doobee Don't be ridiculous. The child is 6 years old. He isn't a fucking Labrador. He is his own number one and is more than capable of loving and celebrating with more than one person a day.

This is why so many children come out of divorce so fucked up. Adults putting themselves first and treating their children like service animals who exist only to fill their needs. The child has stated he wants to go to grandma's house for Christmas. He is excited and looking foward to it. You don't get to disregard his feelings and tell him that no he doesn't he wants to stay home with mum. I assume the umbilical cord has been cut, he will be perfectly fine going to grandma's for a few hours and then back to mums. There is no reason he can't do both. Anything else is disregarding the childs wants and needs to soothe the adult and it is absolutely using the child as a pawn to exert power over another.

deepwatersolo I think telling a 6 year old that Mummy isn't feeling well and needs to stay at home is easier for him to understand and less distressing than driving to the the inlaws, hearing his mummy upset telling his grandparents things about his father and asking for the Christmas presents back ....And then spending Christmas without Daddy.

OP has said he is already looking forward to the plans for Christmas with the extended family. I am simply saying that I think keeping changes to a minimum would be best for the 6 year old given the fact that it is less than a week till Christmas and the OP is still in shock.

And as for my comment about about separated parents not having the luxury of "refusing to send" their children somewhere they themselves are not welcome, that is sadly a fact. The other parent, however great a shit they may be, has the right to take the children wherever they choose.

It is so absurd you guys droning on about the kids wanting to see relatives, but never sparing a thought about whether they want to do that without mum, something they sure as hell did not expect to be part of the bargain.
My kid would be mortified if mum wasn‘t there in such a situation, while all the other kids have mum there with them. He would hate me for it and he would hurt. He is 8.

Well, Molikai the ship to protect kid from the truth has sailed. All that is possible is keeping this truth from the kid for a couple of more days, days that the older kid may well remember as a big deception in hindsight.

And to reiterate Molokai, OP has a choice here, and the parents haven‘t separated yet, officially. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too, arguing that the kid must not know of the separation and at the same time arguing that DH can disinvite OP from a third party event, because separation.

Dear God deepwatersolo you sound wildly dramatic and unable to consider things rationally.

The OP is in shock. No "ship has sailed" with regard to telling a 6 year old about life changing events.

If ds was 16 he might see a delay as a "betrayal" but he's 6 for fucks sake sake.

"It is so absurd you guys droning on about the kids wanting to see relatives, but never sparing a thought about whether they want to do that without mum, something they sure as hell did not expect to be part of the bargain."

This!

My parents separated when I was very young. I alternated Christmases. As a child, when I was at dad's for Christmas I really my missed mum. It's just not the same without your mum. As I got older, I got used to it, but you can't expect a 6 year old whose parents have only just separated to find it anything other than very painful.

OP. Your husband is a shit. This is not your fault, it's all on him. Stop blaming yourself and thinking your children will have more fun without you. They won't. Your youngest is a baby FFS. Find your anger. Find your backbone.

In your shoes I would do the following:

• insist children stay with you for Christmas
• talk to SIL about situation and try and find a way that your oldest can see his cousin at some point over Christmas. Maybe DS could spend a few hours with his cousin at PILs, but "D"H will have to do the running around. The baby stays with you though, unless you want a break and are happy for "D"H to take the baby too.
• get a therapist and solicitor ASAP

Molokai Well, obviously if the choice is between ‚celebrate with Dad‘ and ‚celebrate with Mum‘ on Christmas, the ship to pretend everything is fine has sailed. Nothing dramatic about it. I have seen a couple of kids of about that age being lied to by their parents ‚to protect them‘, never heard anyone of those kids not being taken aback by the betrayal in hindsight, even years later, as adults.

I hope you’re feeling a bit better today op your exh is a complete shit bag.

As for Xmas, I’d do as others have said, ring your mil, explain the situation and have the dc with you at Xmas. Also arrange an alternative time for them to spend time with their cousins

OP what a horrible situation to be in.

I don’t think any PP have suggested this, but could the day be split?
Get some (not all) of the presents brought home. Wake up with the DCS, open some presents and then let EXDH take the DC (or atleast 6 year old) To his parents for dinner.

Tell DC your staying at home, (find an excuse) and that he will be back soon. You prepare something for yourself, and spend the time getting your affairs in order. Then exdh brings the DC back in time, for you to spend some time with them watching Christmas films, Christmas tea and playing.

Without knowing the travel distances, times for arrangements etc... it’s hard to say if that will work. But atleast that way the points are covered;
DC gets to play with his cousins and attend GP house
DP (as horrible as he is) sees his children
OP you get to open presents and send time with your children also, but in a setting you are comfortable. Plus you get some chill out time, to think, relax, and get a plan in place.

A few people have suggested that the OP uses Christmas Day to "get her affairs in order". Of course that needs to be done but I see no reason why that has to be on Christmas Day itself. Seems a bit depressing if you ask me.