My husband has left me and now I'll be having Christmas alone.

[Glorianaz]

I am devastated and I have nobody to talk to. I found messages to other women and now he has told me he doesn't like me or want me and he wants a divorce. We have 2 children. Big Christmas planned with his family that our eldest is really looking forward to. Youngest is a baby and it's her first Christmas.

I can't believe this is happening to me. How do I even begin to deal with this?

I think you are quite rightly at a very low point right now, but I think OP you will look back and regret not having your children with you this first Christmas as a new family.

Yeah mumma I'd also definitely tell his family why I won't come. Wouldn't hurt to make his Christmas at least a little uncomfortable, too.

He's a dick of the highest order, he should've ended things after Christmas and not let this situation happen.

Surely he must realise that by excluding you from the family Xmas is hurting the children too?

No one wants anyone to be alone at Xmas, even strangers we don't know. I'm blown away by his lack of care for your welfare here.

You do what you think is best. I think if it was me I'd try reaching out to his family and telling them what's happened and see what they say. You never know, they might come up with a way round things.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Just take every hour at a time, don't even think ahead yet about the future. Baby steps while you process this, then after the shock passes the anger will probably set in.

I have to say I'm a bit unsure why posters think it would be too distressing for them to have Christmas without me but ok for them to have it without their dad?

I agree with you.

Posters clearly feel as mums they are the preferred parent.

A 6 yo preferring being at home with mum and baby sis vs fun and games with cousins is unusual. It's not the norm.

OP You know your children best and are clearly putting them first...but do let his family know exactly why you won't be there.

It's not about preferred parent. The husband is a cheater, it's his behaviour that's ended the marriage.
He frankly deserves to miss his kids and personally I think the OP should be with them for the good of her own mental health.

personally I think the OP should be with them for the good of her own mental health.

But for some people this just isn't the case. Christmas is often stressful, kids moan, you have to put together loads of plastic tat etc. When you're with family, or partner and in a good place, this doesn't bother you, when you feel like the OP says she does some people just really can't try to create this 'magical' day for the kids. I spent a few xmas days alone with DD when I was a single parent and the first one was really hard and stressful and neither of us had a good day. If she'd had the option to go to family I would have felt exactly the same as the OP. It's one xmas, there will be plenty of others.

Gloria love you come across as a wonderful mum and human being. You are right: your kids must not be let down because of him. You are right to still stick to THEIR original plans for Christmas. Spending Christmas with cousins build the best Christmas memories. HOWEVER I would beg to re-consider YOUR OWN PLANS. PLEASE if you are sure that it will be too difficult for you to go to your PIL then PLEASE book yourself some place to go to and some place with people you can talk to- a little cost B&B in the country side will do if you like nature-otherwise find something more urban. Strangers are often the best to talk to about such heartland...you can let your pain and anger flow freely: they will not remember-they are not your friends snd hence are not affected as much as your friends by it- there is the Christmas spirit that your terrible husband completely lost but many people did not ; you will get it out of your chest-you will be surprised what strangers might share with you...we all have our crosses to drag...Many of us went through infidelity: it is a heavy change but it can be rebirth worth its pain... Here we know that we can't right now ease your pain. But please have faith in the future. As at now embrace all your negative feelings and try at the same time to remember what you used to like to do before you got married (reading/walking / going to pins/listening to music etc ) and do it. Reconnect to yourself. And also look for the company of people (and agaon if there are no family members of friends to hug and support you don't hesitate to talk to strangers in pubs....please be careful don't get drunk keep an eye on your physical and mental safety

Sorry for all the typos I am a bit in a hurry. ..thinking about you...keep pouring your heart here it helps...all the posts even the ones by posters who do not share the same philosophy of life help...they certainly helped me...❤❤❤❤(if I were you I would have gone with the kids to pil with my tears and injuried heart and I would have told them the story w/o too much details...but that is me...I would not let him fully disrupty plans and I would like to somehow bid my farewells to the PIL and watch what I will NOT miss...

I have spoken to his sister today who is disgusted with his behaviour and also in shock. We had a long talk and it did really help actually. She wants me to still come at Christmas but I truly don't know if I'm going to be able to face it so I can't make any promises. I really appreciate the support on here this has knocked me for six I genuinely didn't see it coming which makes me feel pretty stupid.

@Glorianaz, that's good. It sounds like your inlaws are decent people and they haven't changed. Don't miss Christmas with your babies and take support wherever you get it. You're not stupid and none of this is your fault.

That is encouraging from his sister. They obviously love you and care for you too, hold onto that.
Don't eat him make you feel excluded. He is the one who has done this not you. If anyone should feel like they are not we,come it should be him with his adultery and appalling behaviour

*Don't let him

Glorianaz I was so hoping that his family would be shocked and disgusted at the turn of events and then excluding you at Christmas. You take care, I cant begin to imagine what your going through...

Well done Gloria. You sound so clear headed and sensible. I'm sure you'll get through this.

Part of the beauty of life is that we are all different to a certain extent. Some people prefer their own company during the early stages of difficult times and others prefer the company of others like strangers.

Gloria/OP do what works best for you. Your sister-in-law sounds willing to understand that it would be good if you attended as planned.

Can you speak to your husband to come to an agreement that even though the relationship is coming to an end that the two of you an act civil enough to get through Christmas day for the kids?

Is your husband still living at home with you?

You sound like a really level-headed mum. Keep putting the kids interest first. I hope your husband can do the same. Since you both love the kids, if you all put them first the two of you would masfiveky increase the chances of the two of you getting on well despite being separated.

I am sure you'll get through this. If you want revenge, show your husband that you are holding your head high and moving toward.

Positive thoughts and best wishes coming your way. It will be hard and there will be a lot of sorrow but joy will come. You must hold on to that truth. You will be happy again.

Use this as an opportunity to do nice things for yourself. If the kids are spending time with him in the future, go do your hair, nails, etc. Take up a sport. Do the things you always wanted to do but never had the time. Use this as an opportunity to live life.

Thank you all. Yes he's still at home. I slept in his arms last night which I know sounds ridiculous and weak. My mental health has been a bit of a mess recently and I haven't always been so nice to him.
I'm waiting for the anger to come because I know I'm being a pushover right now. I started writing a book today.

Why not volunteer on Christmas Day?

"My mental health has been a bit of a mess recently and I haven't always been so nice to him."

Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself.

Have you been getting any help for your mental health issues? Have you seen your GP? If not please make it a priority to go tomorrow.

Gloria* I also felt stupid. But I eventually felt GREAT that I did not see it coming. It just mean that you TRUSTed him. Trusting others is a wonderful wonderful quality. That means that you can be trusted. That means that you can look on your past and be proud of yourself. That means that you are able to respect others even if they are not present and this is why you"did not see it coming". His behavior is foreign to your integrity. He is the loser. People like him end up not trusting anyone and fearing what others are up to at his back. This will sink in you. Just embrace your pain -but yourself and do the stuff you used to enjoy...It is tough...I remember I resumed my yoga classes after DD and I was counting the seconds till the end of the session...but that it is how it will be now for you"a second at a time " then "a minute at a time" until it became "a day at a time" and then...you will rediscover that the wind is still blowing and you enjoy it, the Sun rays are still warm and you enjoy them, your kids are still becoming strongr and cleverer by the day and you enjoy life and other stuff you stopped doing ...you might even embrace a new career (I am in this process studying something I really like) .and your life with him will be far far away..his betrayal a cloud that moved out of life but not before giving you beautiful kids (keep in good terms with him for their sake)...he will eventually become "somebody you used to know " but he must always remain the "father of your kids"...you see I believe that talking always help . I know some prefer to stay on their own when they go through a bad patch; but I believe that when we have betrayal it is better tofind comfort in others willingness to hug you and listen to you to replace what he took away from you...That is my opinion and it seems that you are now realising that this indeed helps you as well...youfound comfort in talking with his sister and I hope in reading our different and various lots here...🌹

You're not being a pushover. This is very painful and you need to work through it. He will be hurting too but he has had more time to move on emotionally than you do.

It is perfectly okay to accept some blame for the demise of the relationship but don't dwell on it. It is what it is right now. It is useful to morn what could have been and the things you could have done. It is a healthy response but please don't dwell too long on it. Accept the situation and will yourself into action - creating a future for yourself.

You'll have lots of ups and downs and both of you will question whether breaking up is the right thing to do. It probably is, so look past any doubts and press on. Think about what you want for a new life and work hard towards that.

There is no magic answer to your situation. You just need to be strong and get on the other side. As you do not have a strong relationship with your family, please feel free to call help lines such as the Salvation Army and any employee well-being services offered by your workplace. You will need someone to offload on over the coming days, weeks, months. Try and find that source as soon as possible.

Of course MN is here too.

• mourn

Sorry for the numerous typos.

I agree with PP saying let the DC go, but not before contacting his family to let them know what's happening (the full truth, you have nothing to be embarrassed about), to ask them if they are willing to help out with your DC so you know they are safe and being looked after and to ensure that they will not allow little ears to overhear stuff they shouldn't. As hard as it may be, try not to show you're upset about them going, try to make out that you have something you have to stay for but they will so much fun with their cousins and Gps.

I would then use that time that they are away for you to process this. Scream, cry, write down how you feel, lay in bed, eat, drink, watch crap, sort out a plan of action for your 'uncoupling'. Keep at the forefront of your mind that you are not to blame, his behaviour is a reflection on him not you, it's an awful thing to happen but you'll survive.

Best of luck. It's just a day. Next Christmas will be different.

Good that you talked to SIL, and I am glad she wants you there (not surprised. ). Maybe you can go. (Maybe you can go for a long walk alone there, or so. And talk with SIL.). But do, what you feel is right.

OP whatever you do, do NOT spend Christmas day without your children. You will sink to the floor, and it won't do your mental health any favours at all. If you insist that the DC go to his family, you go too. You are far too vulnerable to spend the day on your own.

It's one day to get through

Madmum, why would the kids not be safe with their father if OP is not around? Why is extra supervision required?

OP, you are not vulnerable. Don't get into this victim mentality or think of yourself as a poor fragile person. Pick yourself up and look forward. Don't crumble.

It is hard emotionally, but you can do it. Heartache is part of life. If however you have a pre-existing mental health issue, then you most certainly must seek appropriate support beyond helplines and sympathetic friends and family.