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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me and now I'll be having Christmas alone.

154 replies

Glorianaz · 19/12/2018 17:24

I am devastated and I have nobody to talk to. I found messages to other women and now he has told me he doesn't like me or want me and he wants a divorce. We have 2 children. Big Christmas planned with his family that our eldest is really looking forward to. Youngest is a baby and it's her first Christmas.

I can't believe this is happening to me. How do I even begin to deal with this?

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/12/2018 18:10

The kids will want to be with you for sure. Your baby won't know any different and your 6yo will be fine about it.

I would ring his parents and tell them the facts (in a pleasant way) - that you are separating due to his infidelity and therefore the three of you will unfortunately not now be coming for Xmas.
Ask them what other arrangements would suit them regarding seeing the children over Xmas or would they rather arrange that directly with their DS.

Then make the day as special as you can for the three of you - you can do this

What a shitbag he is doing this just before Xmas

ilovepinkgin33 · 19/12/2018 18:15

OP I am so sorry this is happening to you right now, do not under any circumstances let him take the children away from you on Christmas Day.

He is using the children as a ruse as to not having to explain why you haven't showed up, he will probably feed them some bulllshit story that you're sick and can't get out of bed.

I'm sure your little boy will love it just as much at home with you and the baby

Call his parents and demand the presents be returned to yours for Christmas Day.

Try and get through the next week in one piece then sort out what's going to happen

I really hope you're ok
I know what it's like to be lonely honestly
If you ever want to vent you have this thread and the help of Mumsnet stay strong 💋

XmasPostmanBos · 19/12/2018 18:16

Your in-laws may want to stay friendly with you due to wanting to keep good contact with the DC which you may be more likely to facilitate if you are all friends. So don't assume they will instantly take against you if you give them no reason to do so.

CheesyMother · 19/12/2018 18:21

You definitely need to speak to his sister if you get in with her. It's not inappropriate to do so.

Monny1 · 19/12/2018 18:22

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this.

AdoraBell · 19/12/2018 18:24

I agree with telling his family what’s happened. Either simply “we’re separating” and you will still be going because the children are super excited. Or the gorey details and you won’t be going.

It’s your decision, not his. He made the decision to behave the way he has. Now you can decide whether to stick to Christmas plans or have Christmas at home.

fernandoanddenise · 19/12/2018 18:25

Your children need to be with you. Explain what has happened to his family and make arrangements for a post Christmas meet up. Keep them with you and he can do one. Do not let him do this - you are important, not a black cloud. He doesn’t get to HAVE IT ALL.

Fairylightfurore · 19/12/2018 18:27

Firstly Flowers and Gin

Next, tell his Mum and make your apology for you and the kids missing Christmas

Then get the basics for Christmas dinner plus loads software chocs' and hunker down. Eat all the things he hates and watch all the film's he wouldn't. You can do this.

TemptressofWaikiki · 19/12/2018 18:27

Please, please don't allow him and his shitty conduct to punish you in that way. Tell his sister and as others said, go over there and get the presents. He is massively in the wrong. Your kids will need you more than the in-laws. Do not let this scumbag push you around.

AdoraBell · 19/12/2018 18:30

That should have been Christmas at home with your children.

Deathraystare · 19/12/2018 18:50

What an absolute sod. Why do men do this at Christmas? Bad at any time but at Christmas??

No do not let your kids go there unless he is happy to explain to them in front of you exactly why!! Just phone his mum and say you are sure she would understand under the circumstances that this year you want the kids with you. Then if she says I thought you were unwell - you can tell her what he is up to!

Weirdlookingbricks · 19/12/2018 18:57

Under no circumstances should you let him separate you from your children on Christmas Day.
You're probably still in shock from finding the messages.
Ring whoever you were going to be with on Christmas Day. Tell them factually what happened and arrange for the return on the presents for the children so the children can open them on Christmas Day at your house. With you.

Weirdlookingbricks · 19/12/2018 18:59

And any of the family who are not prepared to agree with that plan do not have your children's best interests at heart.
Broken record time. It's in the children's best interests. Say it on a loop.

Knittedfairies · 19/12/2018 19:00

Do speak to his sister; his family need to know what he’s doing.

7yo7yo · 19/12/2018 19:03

Why are all the presents there?
Go and fetch them and have Christmas with your kids at home. Fuck him. Cunt.

SarahET · 19/12/2018 19:15

I know it's been said a lot but I think your eldest will be more worried about having you there than cousins/grandparents. They will probably worry about you if they know you're home alone. Having them with you will also force you to keep your chin up (fake it till you make it!).

That said if you do decide to spend it alone let us know. We can have a virtual Christmas Day together or perhaps somebody lives close by you if you wanted company.

deepwatersolo · 19/12/2018 19:17

I‘d not have him take the kids from me. Either I‘d keep them home with me and explain to inlaws that due to DH‘s suboptimal timing it is simply not possible. If son asks why, I‘d tell him. Or I‘d go with them. And if anyone complains about your mood, I‘d explain that, too. I would definitely, definitely tell the kid(s) about the separation before Christmas. Otherwise they won‘t understand why you are in the mood you are, why they can‘t go there or why you won‘t be there.
Otherwise DH can spin it to the kids like he had to leave you because you were so strange...
Do not let him get away with this!

Molakai · 19/12/2018 19:23

Glorianaz what a completely shitty areshole he is. You will be in shock. My heart goes out to you.

Given the timing, I think I probably would allow the children to spend Christmas with their GPs and cousins if you feel confident that they will be ok away from you. But I would email your STBEX that you are allowing him to spend Christmas with the children this year so it follows that you will be spending Christmas with them next year without him of course.

By next year you will be in a very different place and will be able to plan the Christmas you want for your precious ones. This year will be so hard whatever happens, but you can be in a position of strength next year.

I would also tell your in laws in a factual way that because of you husband's infidelity, you wont be joining them this Christmas but you hope to see them in the new year. Don't write them off without a chance, particularly if you are close to your sil.

Take the time you have, to get prepared, read the threads on here that detail what to do and information you need etc. And have a think where you can get some RL support - e.g. counselling

Good luck Glorianaz

SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 19:35

Being realistic the older child will have more fun with his cousins....so let him go.

Your baby doesn't know what's going on...so keep her with you.

It would be good if you and the baby could spend Christmas elsewhere with others.

Once you agree to move forward with a divorce... I suspect he'll suddenly be very sorry...regret everything and not want to go through with it.

deepwatersolo · 19/12/2018 20:44

I am not convinced Christmas without mum is what the kids are looking forward to. (I‘d probably go and keep to myself. That‘s the one thing DH didn‘t offer, right? Yeah, I‘d do that.)

RancidOldHag · 19/12/2018 20:58

I think that you ring his parents asap, and explain the difficulty to them.

Ask if you can pick up the presents (or send someone else to get them - how far away are they?) as the DC don't want Xmas without you, and obviously you cannot be with STBX so they will be spending it with you. But as DC1 is excited to see cousins, and you have no wish to stand in the way of their relationship with their paternal family, you wouid like to discuss dates for an Xmas visit, so when will cousins be there and when can STBX pick up/return them?

deepwatersolo · 19/12/2018 21:17

Rancid‘s proposal sounds good, imo.

Weightsandmeasures · 19/12/2018 21:34

Do not use the kids as a way to channel your anger. It sounds like the oldest is really looking forward to the time with his cousins. Do not deny him that. Keeping the kids home with you may feel luke you're sticking it to him but you're simply using the kids as a weapon.

Let the kids enjoy themselves. This is between you and your husband. The kids are equally yours and his. Neither of you have the right to use them as pawns.

I am sorry this is happening. I think at the very least both your at your husband should be able to act grown up enough and put the kids first. This means you shown attend the Christmas gathering as planned. The two of you do not gave to be all lovey dovey. Just present for your kids to gave a good time with their extended family. I expect that in the future the two of you will have to work together to attend events together as parents for your kids.

deepwatersolo · 19/12/2018 21:41

Weight the oldest looks forward to this believing his mum will be there, too. I have yet to meet the 6 year old who is humm ho about celebrating Christmas without mum. (He might well hold a grudge against mum, being the only mum not there, or feel betrayed by his dad in hindsight). Why you think the baby will enjoy themselves more there without mum than at home with mum is beyond me, anyway.

deepwatersolo · 19/12/2018 21:44

Weight sorry, just read you suggest she attend, not that she should let them go without her. Ignore my previous comment.