My husband has left me and now I'll be having Christmas alone.

[Glorianaz]

I am devastated and I have nobody to talk to. I found messages to other women and now he has told me he doesn't like me or want me and he wants a divorce. We have 2 children. Big Christmas planned with his family that our eldest is really looking forward to. Youngest is a baby and it's her first Christmas.

I can't believe this is happening to me. How do I even begin to deal with this?

I'd go round to his family, get all the kids gifts and tell them that, unfortunately due to your DH's disloyalty and him now leaving you and breaking up the family at xmas, the kids will be spending Xmas at home with you. They can see the kids Xmas eve or some other day.

This. They need you and you need them right now. Why the hell should your husband get to spend the day playing happy families while you spend it alone?

I found out on 27th December last year that my husband was having an affair and there was no WAY he was having the children on Christmas Day this year. I shouldn't have to suffer again through his inability to keep it in his pants. He will pick them up Xmas evening and have them for the night and most of boxing day and i'll review things next year but he doesn't get the luxury of a choice in this at the moment.

It hurts, really badly but you WILL get stronger. I still get knocked for six out of the blue a year later and 2 days ago was (or should have been) our 14th wedding anniversary so that was a really tough day. This will also be our first Christmas apart (although he may as well have not been there last year to be honest) so I know how hard it is but please reach out to anyone you have around you for support. I couldn't have done it without my family and friends this year x

To posters suggesting spending Christmas with mum would be boring, I have a 6 year old and at that age I am his favourite person in the world. There is no way a young child would choose to spend Christmas without mum. If the inlaws are happy for OP to join in fine. If not let the cousins know that they're welcome at yours.
Divorced parents can have agreements but that is not what we have here.
It's early days and OP shouldn't let her husband walk all over her. He screwed up the previous plans, new plans need to be made.

I do think telling your wife it’s over and being a dick before Christmas is a solid reason for Christmas plans being made to suit the op.

Fuck that shit!

I found my husband was having an affair a week before Christmas last year and if he had suggested him and the kids would be spending Christmas with his family without me I would have literally laughed in his face. His family were supposed to be coming to us and despite their best interests to guilt trip me, they were uninvited and my family changed their plans so they could spend it with us instead. I let him spend Christmas Day with us, for the children’s sake, but then sent him packing to stay at his parents for the rest of the Christmas season.

You need to find your anger and get him told! No way I would spend it without my DC – they might have been excited about playing with cousins but you can distract them by saying we will do xy&z instead (build a gingerbread house, watch Christmas movies with hot chocolate/ popcorn, whatever it may be that the 6yo likes to do). Can they not see the cousins on Boxing Day instead?

What a bastard
I like starlight sparkles idea

But the OP's reason for keeping the kids with her on Christmas day has nothing to do with them or what's best for them and everything to do with some sort of revenge. A sort of exercising of control.

It would be a pyrrhic victory and that's all it would be and feel like.

What has happened is awful but I can't see much good in going nuclear on someone because they say they don't live you anymore. Sure it hurts and must hurt really really bad but the best thing to do is pick yourself up, think clearly and move onward and upward. Don't get bogged down in all this nonsense of using the kids as some weapon. Channel your emotions in a positive way that builds you back up.

But the OP's reason for keeping the kids with her on Christmas day has nothing to do with them or what's best for them

OP has (regrettably) no such plans. What are you talking about, Weight?

It's not about revenge. It's about what's in the best interests of the children. And it's actually in their best interests to spend Christmas Day with their mother this time, given that they are young and they don't even know about the separation yet, so they won't have had chance to mentally prepare for spending Christmas without her.

Also, her mental health is relevant here. It's in their best interests for her to be OK. Spending Christmas with them will be better for her mental health than spending Christmas without them. She's the one whose world has been turned upside down, she deserves more care and consideration than her shit of a husband at the moment.

It's not about revenge. It's about what's in the best interests of the children. And it's actually in their best interests to spend Christmas Day with their mother this time, given that they are young and they don't even know about the separation yet, so they won't have had chance to mentally prepare for spending Christmas without her.

This.

Also, her mental health is relevant here. It's in their best interests for her to be OK. Spending Christmas with them will be better for her mental health than spending Christmas without them.

And this.

You poor thing OP, I'm so sorry.

I will say though that your 6-y-o DS will get over a change in Christmas plans. He just will, he's 6.

You could always make it a day about experience rather than masses of presents. He'll have some things from you and then you could all go out for a huge long sunny walk and have dinner out? (Is there anywhere near you that would take a late booking?) Or you could go food shopping together on Christmas Eve morning and get as many delicious things he likes as you can, a turkey crown, pre-prepared everything, eat by candlelight on a picnic blanket under the tree?

Presents can always come back to him from your H's family later. It's less of a big deal than it seems today. xx

Over my dead body would this piece of shit take MY children and fuck off to his family on Christmas day after having done this to the family.

What an entitled, self absorbed piece of scum.

You keep them with you and let him explain why you and they aren't there. That will be fun.
If they re decent people they will show him the door and ask you to come over. That's what I would do if any of my children ever does this to the mother or father of their young children on the eve of Christmas.

@Glorianaz 💐for you. I am very sorry

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I am still in shock and had a very bad night.

I'm not going to keep the children with me and that is my choice. Yes DH doesn't deserve to have a good Christmas with them but my children do deserve a good Christmas. Between being with their dad and grandparents and cousins or stuck at home with me trying not to cry all day I think it's clear which would be better for them.

I have to say I'm a bit unsure why posters think it would be too distressing for them to have Christmas without me but ok for them to have it without their dad?

I just don't know how I am even meant to begin to get over this it feels like the world is ending.

Sounds to me like the kids would have a far better time with his family than with the OP. I think that in recognising this the OP has her children’s best interests at heart.

I have to say I'm a bit unsure why posters think it would be too distressing for them to have Christmas without me but ok for them to have it without their dad?

My son loves both, me and his dad, and we split child care leave 50:50, and generally DH has always done 50% (maybe more) of child related work, but my son is still more attached to me than DH (maybe still memories from the time I nursed him? Idk.) The times I could not attend some kindergarten celebrations were really, really hard for my kid. That is why I assumed the same for your 6 year old (and for the little one, even more so).

Also, as a kid, I remember feeling more understood and protected by mum, even though I adored dad and he was a good father who had a lot of time for us. So that is just how I know it.

"I have to say I'm a bit unsure why posters think it would be too distressing for them to have Christmas without me but ok for them to have it without their dad?"

I have made an assumption here. But your youngest is a baby. First Christmas. In the majority of cases, mothers take maternity leave and if they go back to work, they often go part time and remain the primary carer. In the majority of cases, fathers work full time and do less parenting. Now you might have done things differently - more equally - but I've made a guess that your situation is the "norm".

I'm a feminist, DH and I have done our best to do things as equally as possible, but I took maternity leave and breastfed, so I'm the primary carer and will continue to be, at least until we stop breastfeeding.

Who does your DS want when he's upset? Always you, always Daddy, or does it depend?

So that is just how I know it.

I mean by that, that is what I am used to, what I know. Not that I know some universal truth that must be right for everyone or something, obviously.

That's your choice. But I think many of us are just so angry at him on your and your children's behalf.

He could see them on Christmas Day, but by them going this you are missing your baby's first Christmas. It doesn't seem fair on you or the children at all.

Do you genuinely think this is best for them? If so then you have to do what your think is right.
I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. I couldn't countenance this if I were his family, he has smashed things up but gets to carry on like some sort of Disney dad? Its dreadful.

I could sort of understand a 6yo having more fun with their cousin than with their mum (although I think some people are ignoring or minimising the potential impact of being without his mum for the first time, with very little time to get used to the idea) ...but a BABY? The baby won't care about a cousin. The baby would be MUCH happier with its mum.

Op how old is the baby?
FWIW I can understand why you have made the decision that your dc will spend it with their father. Looking forward if this separation is permanent then next year it would only be fair if you have the kids at xmas and you can give them a fab time when you Will be feeling more mentally, physically and emotionally stronger.

I'm a feminist, DH and I have done our best to do things as equally as possible

Same here, even splitting 'maternity' leave equally, precisely because I wanted to avoid this role of 'primary carer'. (When we switched to bottle after 6 weeks, DS always made it clear he preferred nursing, so I went with that when present. It wasn't the plan at all.) I did not at all seek out that role, on the contrary, and yet, this is how it turned out. Maybe that is why I assume it is pretty much always like that.

Same as other posters here. My son adores his dad and my DH does half of the parenting, but my son still prefers me, as is nature's way I suppose.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP and it's obviously your choice, but you are setting a bad precedent. You are letting your husband call the shots over some alleged advantage for the children. Will you give them up next year as well? Children don't need a lot. Many of us have been where you are now and have had to make our own celebrations.

**I just don't know how I am even meant to begin to get over this it feels like the world is ending.

You need to find your anger OP.
It may not feel like it and it will take time but you will be ok

I understand where you're coming from OP. If it were me, I'd want the kids to go to their grandparents too as I'm not very good at keeping my chin up and pretending everything is ok. Like you, I'd be struggling with my own emotions that day. They'll be plenty of other years to make a lovely Christmas with your kids. Get through the day, get some wine, watch some crap films, whatever you need to do. Maybe you could have a special day with them on NYE or Boxing Day. Take them out and do something you'll all enjoy.

Take care OP, you must feel unbelievably awful at the moment, but things will get better once the shock has worn off and some time has passed

I just don't know how I am even meant to begin to get over this it feels like the world is ending.

As PP said, find your anger. Yeah, maybe you are so floored now that Christmas with the kids alone is really too overwhelming. If so, use the time to find out what you expect and want (stay in the house? have him move out? when? financial and logistical support for child care... and demand it from him).

Read up on the 5 stages of grief, it will make you understand yourself and your own reactions better.

What a horrendous man! If you think the children would prefer Christmas with PIL, you book a spa weekend or holiday or something RIGHT NOW! Don't you sit home alone upset! You go out and do something you would like on Christmas Day! A health retreat? Anything, who cares the cost you're still married at present so take some of that A-holes money and get yourself something to get through the holidays Also I would 100 percent tell his family he had a affair! Don't let him go telling them it was mutually! 'hello MIL won't be at Christmas as your son had an affair, obviously children are excited to see you so DH will bring them, I wont come though as is rather awkward, I'm going on a spa day'