Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

He won't broach the subject.

If I leave it, he will sulk for a while, then come out of it and accuse me of being aggressive or say nothing at all and things will go back to normal and another year will go by.

In the past I have often left it because I've been so relieved it was over OR because he told me I was imagining it.

Your husband has been manipulating and abusing you for so long that it's become normal for you when in reality if a coworker or a neighbor tried treating you the same you'd do something to stop it! He's a mean,nasty,vile excuse for a human being. The sulking is emotional manipulation and blackmail when a mature,rational adult would talk to you if he was upset about something! In my experience abusers don't change. Get out. You deserve so much better than him imagine 2019 without that miserable sob around!

Have a look at NAPAC - it's aimed specifically at the adult survivors of childhood abuse. Counselling, just for you could be really useful.

napac.org.uk/

Whoever said he does know but doesn't care is spot on.

The worst, in my opinion, was when he admitted that he had previously acted in such a way to "punish" you when, at the time, he convinced you deliberately that you were unreasonable/imagining things etc. That would have been my exit sign.

My ex used to lie. About the most fantastical things. I remember at the time thinking (in the back of my mind) "He's lying". But I chose to ignore it as I didn't want to rock the boat. He'd convince me he was telling the truth and that I was wrong and hurtful to disbelieve him. When the relationship was on its last legs, we went to counselling. He was desperate to save the relationship. I played a blinder and said that utter honesty was the only way I would be prepared to stay. Total bluff. He admitted the lies, I ended the relationship and ran away to London, never looking back.

For what it's worth, the counselling was shit.

I hope you find contentment. You sound completely capable and strong

What do you hope to achieve by raising it again? What will be different this time?

This thread resonates with me sadly. The times I questioned my sanity. He would say there's nothing wrong, it's in my head. But I know he was sulking, just wouldn't tell me why. I remember one holiday that he hardly spoje to me whilst joked and played with the kids. Reading your thread, i realise he wanted to ruin the holiday for me because it was someone i always wanted to go.
It didn't get any better because he didn't want to change. It worked for him. I think it was a way to feel in control.
We are separating now but he thinks i should accept he couldn't help it and take responsibility...

Ok, lets look at the situation at the weekend here because I feel its been a little bit lost.

It was YOUR BIRTHDAY WEEKEND.
He did pretty much nothing for it.

"here is what DH did for the weekend:
Organised a gift and card from him and the DC
Helped make sandwiches for the train
Booked lunch for the Sunday (with a family member of his that he wanted to see)"

His response to you was that he felt you were "ungrateful". His massive sulking was because you refused to give way on your choice of museum to something he wanted. That you organised. For your birthday. After YOU organising tickets to the theatre because he said he wanted to go.

So the one thing really on your birthday that was totally for you, he felt entitled to try and change last minute so that the entire weekend was just what he wanted to do. On your birthday weekend. And he thought you were UNGRATEFUL because he graciously agreed to go.

I think once its laid out like that, it sounds unlikely to me that all the talking and strategies and chances in the world are unlikely to make a scrap of difference until you reach the final nuclear option of "You can stuff your attitude up your arse to keep your head company, I'm leaving and I'm leaving on X date."

Because fundamentally, he's not given more than a seconds thought to you and what you want or need in a long time, has he? Every single thing has been arranged entirely to his own preference and comfort. You're quiet when he wants quiet, and hes noisy when he wants noise, and thats the way the world works.

YY to what Storm said.

I honestly don't see how you expect to chat him out of such utter twattery. Nor do I see how you could ever forgive such twattery even if he had a miraculous personality change. Even if it were a miraculous personality change caused by a knock to the head rather than a change caused by new choices (meaning he chose to be a twat previously).

Well said Storm Treader, he does sound very selfish.

I found with both my marriages that although my husbands were not perfect - let's face it who is perfect and easy to live with - the marriage was ok as long as I was happy/content ost of the time.

When you are unhappy most of the time then you are in dangerous waters, you can normally recognise the tipping point, then it's time to really do something or the marriage is over. You cannot ignore it.

So I'm home and he is in a good mood and acting like nothing has happened.

No idea how to act - I don't want to let him know he's got to me, but don't want to go back to smiley chatty usual me either.

Take a page from his book and give him the silent treatment and tell him it’s all in his head. No not really, well not to the last part.

His moods really dominate!!!!

Why don't you buy yourself some headspace and have a long bath or something?

I sense a bit of crunch time tho. He might like you neatly back in your box, but you don't fit......and so, I'd be preparing some statements.

No I'm not alright, I'm really considering leaving you....
I don't love or respect you anymore.
I am happier when you're not there.
Life with you has become a farce, even tonight with your fake jollity.

Remember, 999 if needed, and phone close to hand x

I would go for cordial but not chatty. Let him do the talking, reply but don't feel you have to make conversation. It will be interesting to see if he asks you whether anything is wrong as you feel you have to with him.

Do your kids also modify their behaviour according to dad's moods?

Good suggestion from leopard
Also like ardwolves summing up

Good luck op

No idea how to act - I don't want to let him know he's got to me, but don't want to go back to smiley chatty usual me either

How do you feel? Because that's the way you should act.

He is acting in a certain way (friendly, chatty, like nothing is wrong) and now you feel that you have to fit your response to his behaviour - he is still getting to call the shots on your emotions.

Do you feel like you want to be nice to him? I'm guessing not. So don't be. I'm guessing you would like a peaceful evening to unwind and maybe do something you enjoy. So do that.

Thanks. I went to yoga after work which was v good for me.

Had dinner all together and I was quite but participated in the conversation.

After dinner I did a couple of jobs and settled with the kids to watch something.

He is working on his laptop.

Now in my nice warm bed about to finish my book.

I will aim for cordial but distant and keep reminding myself to stay like that. He is out all day Saturday which is a relief.

I might find some things to do on Sunday which don't involve him.

Not looking forward to Christmas week with him with my family (abroad).

Btw, thanks to those who suggested counseling, I have been seeing one for about 18mths now.

Up til now she has been helping me gain perspective on our relationship and on his behaviour which had been useful as I stated from the outset I didn't want to split up.

When I saw her last week she was the one who pointed out to me that there was absolutely no excuse for his behaviour and I needed to think about what I was scared of with him.

I think she will help me get my head straight in January when I see her again.

I really feel for you, my husband is so similar in many ways and it’s draining. The worst is when he’s sulking and giving monosyllabic replies to questions and when I ask him what’s wrong he says nothing, then he comes out of his sulk and refuses to acknowledge that there was anything wrong and won’t admit that he was ignoring me.
When things are really bad he goes over the top being Disney dad to the kids and turns it around saying things like mummies really moody and just trying to ruin our fun.
It’s completely disgusting, in his case he gets it from his mum she’s just managed to get my SIL’s fiancés parents uninvited to Xmas day by sulking. I refuse to buy into it from any of them anymore. MIL sulked because we are having friends round for Xmas day so deviated to SILs this in turn caused husband to sulk, I have refused to engage with it and told him if he didn’t like it to also go to SILs. I refuse to have another miserable Xmas so I’m surrounding myself with happy positive people.
I have learned that you can’t control how people behave but with work you can actually control how it makes you feel. I am so much stronger than I was at this time last year.
Best of luck to you, I wish you happiness xx

I honestly don't know why you'd want to stay with someone who treated you and the kids like that, mush. It's SO damaging for the kids, as well as you of course, can you see that? It's not a small thing.

A lot of people confuse this with, well, sulking. It's so not just sulking. It is very specific and devastating emotional abuse. It destroys the target. Why should you 'get stronger' to weather emotional abuse like this? Just get rid of the source of it.

Here are a few articles on the malevolence of silent treatment...

Reading your posts is exhausting as they show me you that you are constantly thinking about your marriage and your husbands feelings. I bet he doesn't spend even 2% of the same thinking time.

You are micromanaging your behavior to keep things calm with your DH so he doesn't punish you and even when he does sulk you make a big effort to keep things nice for your DC.

What does your DH do to improve your life and that of your DC. Does he think about the consequences of his actions. If not why not?

You can't improve things by yourself because marriage is a partnership.

Can you think about the reasons you are choosing to stay with someone who doesn't seem to care about you and only wants you to pander to him. Does he ever put himself out for you or alter his behavior to make your life better?

Why are you so anti splitting up? Do you really think your children will tell you off in later years that you didn't try hard enough? Surely they will say why didn't you get out sooner?

OR because he told me I was imagining it
AND...... gaslighting.
You can certainly tick off lots of abusive behaviour.
Plan lots of things with your family and be out as much as you can.
Not easy with kids though.
I hope you finished your book.

Reading your posts is exhausting as they show me you that you are constantly thinking about your marriage and your husbands feelings. I bet he doesn't spend even 2% of the same thinking time

This with bells on.

Almost every post of yours you’re trying to still find a solution.
Counselling will not work. He will just say the counsellor is rubbish and you’re both ganging up on him. And then sulk about it.

Stop trying to think you can save this.
You can’t. Because HE DOESNT want to have a loving mutual caring relationship, he wants to do what ever he wants and he wants you all to go along with it.

This isn’t just about the sulking. It’s just the tool he’s discovered that will get him everything he wants.

He admitted to you TWO years ago that he did this to you to punish you and you’re still there and still trying to work it out in your head.

And the worst part of all of this. you’re son is showing signs of turning into an abusive man just like your husband.

Go spend Christmas with you’re family and your kids alone. I think you might be very surprised at how little anyone will miss him