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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2018 09:24

jamais

He will further destroy you and your kids if you stay with this man, its as simple as that. You in turn are showing your children that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level. There is no solution re him that will work other than to leave him.

ChristmasFlary · 14/12/2018 09:33

And the worst part of all of this. you’re son is showing signs of turning into an abusive man just like your husband.

Seem to have missed this info from OP. What's the son doing?

ChristmasFlary · 14/12/2018 09:34

It's ok! Found it!!

ChristmasFlary · 14/12/2018 09:35

What's the plan OP?

MaybeDoctor · 14/12/2018 09:49

Flowers as it is really hard to live with. I have a rather similar one here and am steadily coming to the brink myself...

OP, what was that couples weekend you mentioned?

Truckingonandon · 14/12/2018 10:45

Do you REALLY have to go abroad with him for a week? God, you'll feel so trapped and despondent. The guy is an abusive, manipulative, gaslighting piece of work, becoming even worse with every update you give. When you do start to properly detach and make plans to leave, please make sure you do so safely. Even previously non-violent men can become aggressive and violent once they realise that their victim is slipping away and they're losing their control.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/12/2018 15:09

I really have to go to my family for Christmas.

For the moment it is understood he is coming.

It may be possible to ask him not to come and go to his mother's instead but I'm not sure. There is new year to get through too, we have people coming.

I am actively looking at flats etc but not quite ready to reveal that.

However if he asks me what's wrong I will tell him that I'm thinking of leaving.

He will be in the same train as me in a few minutes but I'm hoping to avoid him if I can.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 15:26

For the moment it is understood he is coming
WOW really?
For the moment, it would understood that he is BLOODY WELL NOT coming.
Not until he can prove he can be a decent non-abusive human being.
You hold the power here OP.
Please realise that and then use it as leverage!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/12/2018 15:30

Well for the moment he seems to think the upset over the weekend is done and dusted and we have not discussed Christmas etc.

I have been distant plus stopped doing usual things for him (didn't make his tea this morning or turn on his electric blanket last night) so he should notice but he will probably put it down to me being in a strop about him watching the tablet in bed.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 14/12/2018 15:42

He knows he can get away with it OP, he's probably been pushing the boundaries for a while and this is the point you have reached; you don't have to accept this...

This ^^. Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but after 20+ years, the only way to stop this is to tell him straight that you can't tolerate his sulking anymore, you're simply not putting up with it. He either changes, or you'll be considering your options...it sounds as if you already are.

My DH did this with me about my behaviour after about 10 years together. I was a moaner - I'd agree to something and then complain about the outcome (i.e blame him for things). Hmm He told me he wasn't putting up with it anymore.

It was a kick up the pants for me, I realised that I was going to lose him if I didn't take responsibility for my decisions, and I did change my behaviour. We have a much better relationship now.

Good luck. Flowers

CottonTailRabbit · 14/12/2018 15:46

I think you are being smart. Get through the holiday season as you are. Keep going on prioritising yourself. Get your ducks in a row before you get into any major fights.

springydaff · 14/12/2018 16:08

I am concerned that you think he is a reasonable person who will concede his behaviour is poor.

I really really don't think he will. I also think he is quite a dangerous person and that you're being naive about the type of person he is.

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

Read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. Please read it soon so you can begin to get to grips with what you're dealing with.

Do look up the Freedom Programme and do it. Please don't delay, I feel concerned you haven't got the measure of this man.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/12/2018 16:15

I have read "why does he do that?" - a lot of it resonated a couple of years ago and I have reread it since.

Particularly "the water torturer" and also how sex is used to regain control after a fight.

No women's aid here (not in the UK) and I have friends I could go to if I was stuck.

I did sign up for the freedom program online a while ago, the payment went through but then it didn't work for me. I might go back to it.

I am lucky in that I am seeing a psychologist-counsellor already so also have some support and an appointment set up for the first week in January.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/12/2018 16:19

Fwiw AmICrazy's post :

"The only way to stop this is to tell him straight that you can't tolerate his sulking anymore, you're simply not putting up with it. He either changes, or you'll be considering your options...it sounds as if you already are."

Makes me want to give it a last attempt to see if he really is capable of apologizing and stopping under the threat of me leaving.

At least then I would be at peace with myself knowing I have laid it on the line.

I threatened to leave about 10 years ago and he broke down and begged me to stay.

This time it will take more than that.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 14/12/2018 17:31

I also think it's a mistake to be trying to be subtle - eg not making tea etc. It just gives him ammunition against you and while you know that he's is in the wrong, it will be so easy for him to turn that kind of thing against you. You need to tell him you can't live like this anymore. Maybe time apart at christmas is the way for him to think about what you're saying and to understand you mean it.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/12/2018 17:34

It's true I was in two minds about giving him extra ammunition to prove that I am also in the wrong.

OP posts:
Truckingonandon · 14/12/2018 17:45

Who gives a shit if it gives him more ammunition. You've spent years towing the line and he still bullies you. Fuck him. Do NOTHING for him. Everything is about you and your future now. Stop trying to placate this sorry excuse for a man. Just stay safe, as I said earlier. Men change when they sense their grip on you is starting to loosen.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/12/2018 18:48

Ok thanks. Wink

OP posts:
Weenurse · 14/12/2018 21:58

My husband tried this early in our marriage as he had observed his father behaving the same way growing up.
I called him on it straight away. He has tried it again recently (been married 28 years) again, called him on it.
Think about the way you want to live, don’t react to his behaviour and try to separate yourself and your responses.
Once he realises you are not responding in the usual manner, things may get more difficult. Be careful

Travisandthemonkey · 14/12/2018 23:58

Even now you’re desperately trying to save this marriage on your own
On your own

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2018 08:40

I know. But I owe it to my kids to make sure I do everything I can before tearing up their lives.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2018 08:46

Actually you do not.

What you have tried to date has not worked and nothing short of leaving him will work now. This is who he is and such men do not change. What he does works for him and he actively enjoys seeing your discomfort at home.

Their lives too have consisted of their dad constantly being awful to you as their mother. What relationship lessons have they learnt from the two of you to date?. Would you want them to have a relationship like yours is as an adult, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Wanting to save this relationship at all says far more about you and your needs than it ever is or would be about your children. Its not about your children really either. This is why I asked you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. It sounds like you are codependent in relationships and keep acting out those same old, and ultimately destructive, patterns. Why is he still first in your head?

LizzieSiddal · 15/12/2018 08:57

I threatened to leave about 10 years ago and he broke down and begged me to stay.

You’ve been where you are now, 10 years ago. Why do you need to give him another chance? You’ve given him another 10 years of your life and he hasn’t changed.

Do what is really best for your children, you staying with an abusive man, is not good for them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2018 08:59

"On the hand, even if I do go, he will still be their dad and they will still see him 50%of the time"

I doubt very much if this man would want to even bother with his children even half the time actually. Do you really think he would want to see them that much. All he cares about is him and getting his own needs met.

RyderWhiteSwan · 15/12/2018 09:00

Why is he still first in your head?

OP is conditioned to be hyper vigilant of him. His moods take priority.