Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

He sounds awful.

You do realise that his sulking is intentional? If it had not of been about the museum it would have been about something else...he just wanted to spoil the weekend.

I wouldn’t try and explain anything to him, your example of your conversation last night, just proves that he’ll twist/manipulate so you end up questioning yourself.

Personally, I wouldn’t stay in a marriage like this. It’s not a partnership but an emotionally abusive dictatorship.

Call women’s aid, get your ducks in a row and leave.

Oh OP, I'm sorry that your husband is such a nasty piece of work.

If you continue to push back against his control, two things will happen :

1. he will try to put you back in line - expect him to up the intensity of sulks, cruel comments, selfishness, etc. He will try to get you to behave using all the tricks that have been effective in the past.

2. once he realises that a real shift has taken place and you aren't scared of his moods, he will panic. You might actually slip out of his grasp. He will suddenly start being nice and trying to love bomb you back to his side. He may even have some massive epiphany about how he had treated you, or suddenly agree (in words only) to something he knows you have wanted him to do for a long time, but which he had always resisted.

Be very careful during phase 2. The temptation is to think "hurrah, he's snapped out of it and everything is going to be fine". It is very easy to overlook what it actually is - a hoovering attempt to stop you from leaving.

Remain cautious if/when he suddenly starts being nice - if he really had changed then he will be like this forever, you don't "owe" him anything because he finally started to behave like a normal human. Nor should you make any big commitments to him in this time - don't have a baby, take out credit, move house, etc. Continue to keep yourself safe, financially, physically and mentally.

He knows he is being unreasonable and horrid, but he doesn't care.

As l have said many times since my ex left... the person the OW is dating now is not the man l was married to for many years. She's dating the man l dated.

The way he treated me at the end was not how he was 20 years ago.

The gifts he purchased for OW last Christmas were with love and thought. For example getting her Christmas eve gifts...l did presents for xmas eve for years and l never received one.

Suddenly he wants to do "family" days out with her and our kids. Hated it with me.

It all helped me realise that his behaviour towards me was a choice and yes, l had faults but l kept trying to make things better (walking on eggshells so not to upset him) ... but ultimately he didn't give a shit and had checked out of our marriage. He knew how he was being was wrong but he didn't care or respect me enough to do anything about it

Definitely no babies, no credit or house move!
I work full time so finances are not an issue.

Struggling now with the idea of Christmas and afterwards.

Managed to avoid him this morning by leaving for work early and will be back late tonight but yesterday had to sit through a training day with him (we work in the same organisation).

Am I just running away from the problem or should I just keep going like this with minimal contact until I can organise moving out? I think I am at that point now.

Organise your future - start looking for a place to live.

If you have made the decision to leave (fwiw I think that is entirely the right decision) then do whatever will be easiest and safest for you while you make whatever plans you need to.

That might mean avoiding him as much as possible, or pretending to be compliant once more, or continuing to push back against the control.

You know him best, op. What do you think is the best way to manage him over the next couple of weeks?

HE is the problem and you should be running away from him.
Plan your exit.
Take your time... then.... be free!!!!
Honestly, I'd just ignore him now.
Let him get on with his stuff and you get on with yours.

Now suddenly (perhaps also with the help of the thread) I don't care about trying to please him or pandering

This is the turning point. And he will sense the difference. Keep doing what you're doing - being perfectly pleasant but centring your own feelings, not his. If he sulks, ignore it and him totally. Behave as if he isn't there. That also centres you

I have had experience with this type of sulking. I would always be asking what was wrong etc during the sulks and he would enigmatically be like “I’ll be fine” (often there was no apparent reason for the sulking). I was however expected to put up with the shitty atmosphere and the abdication of responsibilities until the inexplicable sulk passed over, apparently at some unspecified time. What a pain!! Most memorable sulk was when my 3yo was sick with a high fever and he sulked passively for the whole 2 days because he obviously couldn’t stand my attention going elsewhere. That was last straw for me.

I think you need to lay it out on the table for him. Explain to him exactly what you've explained to us. That being punished every tieme you do something he doesn't like with relentless sulking is not okay.That his insistence that everything must be done on his terms is no way for you or the DC to live. And tell him that if it continues you will be leaving him because it's impossible to remain in love with a man like this.

Earlier it was clear that you didn't want to leave him. That yo DO see positives in your relationship. I don't think it's unreasonable to make a last ditch attempt to focus on those but only if you have a zero tolerance policy for the sulking and control. Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that he CAN change, but I don't blame you for wanting to give it a go.

I think the argument last night was odd. His comments make no sense, but he's got yo win a place where you can't argue back. The answer was that at his request, you always turn off when he comes to bed and you don't understand why he can't offer you the same courtesy.

What a nasty horrible man. If you’re feeling petty tonight, I’d wait until he goes to bed and then do exactly the same to him that he did to you last night. Ok so it’s not a great idea and very childish, and will no doubt just cause a row. So maybe take no notice of me!

Use this time to get yourself together and the leave, he’s not a nice man and abusive.

please leave. it's better to be shot of him before xmas. you could enjoy a 2019 without this colossal twat.

He sounds awful

Thank you bling. It's true I have been trying to save our marriage for a long time and would love for things to work out, for everyone's sake.

His behaviour last night made me think it might not be possible.

I would hate to leave with the feeling I could have done more.

I think your idea of laying it out is good, I will see how he reacts.

I would also like to bring up the idea of marriage counseling again, even though I know people say not to in case of emotional abuse.

Let him be the one who asks for counselling.

He does sound very selfish, OP, and like he thinks you are way inferior to him. With last night/the tablet, might a way in be to approach it as: 'can we just agree some ground rules about tv and tablet use in the bedroom? Do we agree that the person watching switches off when the second person wants to sleep? Or can the person watching finish their show first? I don't mind which, but would like some agreement'

After that, it would be difficult for him to pull stunts where he always just gets his own way, but you always suck up what he wants, without exposing himself as a hypocritical, selfish bellend. Even if he refused to see that, it would be a useful piece of information to feed into your decision making.

Explain to him exactly what you've explained to us. That being punished every tieme you do something he doesn't like with relentless sulking is not okay.

If he needs this explaining then he shouldn't be in a relationship. Jesus.

In what universe would the dp turn round and so 'Oh gosh sorry, I didn't realise that wasn't okay. I shall grow the fuck up forthwith.' No, he's going to just defend himself and turn it back on her.

There's no point trying to explain to him how unreasonable he is. He knows that.

It's not that he doesn't understand, it's that his behaviour is abusive.

He wants everything his way and in order to get it he bullies you and uses sulking as coercive control.

I don't think he will change. I would make plans to separate.

I would hate to leave with the feeling I could have done more

I feel it's up to HIM to do more, not you managing, placating and enabling his strops and sulks. He's preening and posturing with 'power', knowing you'll back down. Now is the time for a talk about boundaries over what you will tolerate from another adult you share living space with.

If he shouts you down, or disappears into another megasulk - you know it's time to prepare yourself for leaving and reclaiming your life. You only get one.

Good ideas. I can broach the TV thing easily, and if/when we have time I will say to H "what do you suggest we do about they way things are between us?" Instead of it always being me.

You cannot rescue and or save a marriage on your own; you have really been wasting time by trying that at all.

He does not want your help or support; all this man wants to do is further bully you into submission by sulking which is a form of emotional abuse.

What good would bringing up the subject of marriage counselling do anyway?. You should not enter into joint marriage counselling with this individual and apart from anything else you are not safe emotionally to actually do so. You have always co-operated here; he has not and will also continue not to co-operate. He will not attend and even if he did no decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you in the same room together. Such counselling is never recommended and for good reason, do not do this to yourself. If counselling is at all to be done here, then go on your own to work out why you have put up with this from him to date at all. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see similar at home yourself?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

If you want to know if your marriage can survive then surely you must not bring it up.

Continue centering your own needs. This is his cue to either quietly change his behaviour or to broach the subject with you.

If you have to broach the subject of him being a twat / what you will tolerate then you are back with him having no responsibility for the happiness of your relationship.

For the marriage to survive he has to give a fuck. You can't make him give a fuck. All you can do is observe and see if he gives a fuck about your wants and needs. So far that has been impossible because you normally don't put your wants and needs above his. Now you are starting to be yourself you can see if he gives any fucks about you or if he is simply a deeply deeply selfish misogynistic man.

That takes you to act in a way that puts your needs first and observe what happens.

It is possible that there will be growing pains where he adjusts to the new normal then starts taking your feelings properly into account. Or he'll be increasingly angry about the uppity little fucking woman getting out of her box. You can't know until you change and you observe for a while.

Ultimatums, chats, therapy aren't anywhere near as helpful as this actual behavioural evidence of his true heart.

I can broach the TV thing easily, and if/when we have time I will say to H "what do you suggest we do about they way things are between us?" Instead of it always being me.

Um, how on earth is that not it always being me?

You saying exactly nothing until he broaches it is the only way that dynamic is actually different.