Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

You aren't overreacting. You don't deserve this at all. Me and my DH actually had marriage counselling due to communication issues between us, and the one thing I mentioned was his sulking when something was bothering him, instead of actually talking to me about it. Since then things have improved a bit, but he still has his moods and bottles things up. :( Not even a month ago now I was thinking of leaving as I got to the point where I had enough, and I still don't feel me and my kids should live in a household treading on egg shells and being miserable because of him. However, I keep saying give it a little longer and things might get better. I'm hoping. Plus, I have nothing to leave to, no money or family around and with 3 young kids to support it's a hard situation to be in. Honestly though I know how you're feeling so don't feel like you're alone. If you have had enough, leave. It isn't fair. I hope things get better for you, whatever you chose to do. X

The younger you can teach them that their feelings are worth acting upon the better.

The longer you teach them to shut the fuck up and suck it up the worse for them.

Knowing how to deal with bullies and other unreasonable or selfish people is a tremendous life skill.

You are bullying them into silence. Think about the weekend from their actual point of view as human beings. Also the shirt thing. What do you see?

Oh dear. Children taught that people are allowed to be angry at women who do minor wrongs. People are not allowed to be angry at men who do major wrongs. Women must excuse men's bad behaviour. DS is already acting accordingly. Is DD too? Is she excusing the males? No daring to sulk from her I guess, that's reserved for males? You reap what you sow.

I must work now. Am avoiding writing a scary report. Apologies for the rant. The lies enablers tell themselves about children drive me up the wall, having lived it myself.

Thanks @beclou94x and so sorry things are bad for you too.

Towel : (may I call you that ? ) no DD, both are DS.

It breaks my heart to see the truth of your argument about men and women because part of my job is convincing people of the total opposite.

No point preaching the theory if you can't live your life like that in pratice

Ha, me too, totally need to write up some stuff too and stop thinking about H all the time. Bye for now. x

It's kind of like waiting and holding out for something to happen, and then when it does, realising that it's not really that great.

You're building him up in your mind to be some great guy behind the façade, if he will only put his barriers down and let the great guy out.

But there's nothing behind there. It's just him. A selfish, arrogant, spoiled, entitled man who thinks only of himself.

There's no hidden person ready to be revealed. A caring, loving, relaxed, laughing man who puts his family first, who cherishes his wife, who respects his children and consciously raises them to be happy, confident people. No, he's just him. What you see is what you get.

He's been telling you for years. Years and years.

The only reason that he is yielding at all is because you threatened to leave. That's what it took. He had 20 years to change. He took you to the point where you just couldn't stand it any more.

And all he had to do was show a tiny, tiny glimpse of the sort of person you want him to be. He gave you a whisper of hope, a glimmer of promise and you leapt at the chance.

He knows exactly what he's doing. He doesn't believe you will go. He is humouring you until you 'get over it'.

Fairenuff - brilliant.

I could not agree more. My impossibly smooth, attractive, successful, "kind" husband had no hidden depths. He really was as 2D as he presented, a good actor, good at conning people.

You're scrabbling around for derisory crumbs, thinking, believing, the poor lamb cant help it.

He so can help it. He likes it, he enjoys it. He enjoys hurting you, he gets off on it is the bottom line.

Sad but probably true...

Hmmmmmm.

My thoughts are

1 - I think that in any relationship the “motherboard operating system” is set within the first few weeks and is pretty impossible to change, so in terms of the dynamic and the level of respect, that is set quite early on. You might have more clarity on it, and the counsellor/psychologist might be able to give pointers on making tweaks or exposing weaknesses, but I do think broadly what you have seems broken because I think it’s impossible to come back from a position where he is treating you like shit on purpose to punish you. It’s nasty, it’s cruel and it’s been repeated over a long time so from my point of view I’m not sure how this is recoverable.

2 - I think it’s important to be very careful about bad mouthing him to the kids because they are half him and don’t want to hear bad things. Obviously listening and being open is important but they will always remember your words about him and may even think it’s inevitable they might become like him.

I’m totally in awe of your open and accepting outlook and your clarity on what’s going on here.

@Cauliflowersqueeze

Thanks, but don't be in awe of me, I'm still here and dithering when I should have had more self respect years ago.

Still lovely to have such great support in here though.

I'm starting to believe the same as you, particularly given the last few days.

H made a huge effort... For 10 days.

Now the daily texts have stopped, he's thrown himself back into his work, and we are distant with each other again.

He also seems to have gone back in the idea that he has done anything wrong and I fear this will be confirmed tomorrow at the counseling.

Actually the difference is with me, I don't fear that really, I almost hope for it because then I don't have to pretend or force myself to work on things, I can just get on with moving out and moving on.

It sounds like you’ve mentally checked out. At least you can say you gave it a final try?
Probably time to start building rather than trying to repair something which can’t be.

OP I get your 'dithering', I was in the same boat for years with a sulker, a selfish man who twisted everything into my fault (or when his blaming excuses fell apart, it was still not his fault, it was his mental health illnesses which he couldn't be held responsible for).

I'm now part way through divorce and of course, looking back, I can see what I couldn't see when I was in the thick of it. What is it they say? Look back but don't stare? You are feeling your way out of the fog and that is taking a bit of time. If you leap into action without being sure where you are heading then there's a risk or doubt that you might go the wrong way. But you are going the right way, I can see that the fog is clearing for you. One day at a time

If he’s already nearly reverting back to this behaviour...why do you need validation from the joint therapy?

You already know deep down he won’t change and he’s already resting the blame at you.

Just leave and stop torturing yourself

If you are really looking for the joint counselling sessions to validate a decision to leave, please, please read up on the advice around counselling in abusive relationships.

You have already described how he can 'turn on' good, convincing behaviour at will, and turn it off again with you. Why would you want to give him the opportunity, the stage to do this in counselling? How would you feel if/when the counsellor is taken in (as you were, at first) and tells you to buck up your ideas?

Please, please read up on this subject. You are doing so well, my heart goes out to you.

Ok I will be careful, you are right to warn me.

I will talk about this explicitly with my counsellor too.

Whether you are to blame, as your DH suggests, for some of the issues is irrelevant. It is the fact that you can't accept his behaviour that you feel you need to leave whether you contributed, he is responding to your behaviour, he blames you or you feel guilt, yours are the feelings that count, his feelings are his problem.
And you already seem to be guilty about the DCs but honestly, in the end it is not good for them to spend all their time with DH. He will always be their DF, selfish and sulky, and their DF whom they will want to spend some time with, but living with someone like that isn't good. Ime it causes anxiety and people pleasing, not helpful traits for what you want for them, a happy successful adulthood.

In the joint counselling you might get on better if you focus on the future and what has changed in you.

For example you will be asked about your objectives for the counselling. Why not say bluntly that you have had enough of his controlling behaviour; you have changed how you react to his sulks and punishments (use those words) and are no longer obeying him? You want to discover whether your marriage can survive with you catering to your own needs a lot more often.

I would also follow the old MN trick of writing down in tiny writing on a piece of paper the bad stuff he has done, the stupid excuses and your own new red lines. Fold it up very tightly. Put it in your pocket and feel it whenever he is sounding reasonable but you know he's twisting things. Feel it, remember, and bring out the right reaction from yourself.

Yes, I've been thinking more and more that I need to tell the truth about the abuse, sulks, and controlling behaviour.

I totally recognise our relationship in the cycle of abuse too.

I have my piece of paper (thanks to your advice) but will remember to take it to counseling too, hadn't thought of that.

I think he will bring up his mother again and place the blame for his abuse, sulks and controlling behaviour on her. He will say he's working on it. The counsellor will believe him.

Perhaps we should set up a bingo on what he'll say ?

I am voting for "jamais is just as bad as me"
"we've both made mistakes"
"let's try again for the kids"
"it's not that serious/big a problem"

As a pp said, I am definitely detaching...

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that people don't change. So the 10 days was an act not the real him which is the one you know.
If you split you will have tried and can reassure your kids of that if needs be

A Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did…

You deserved it.

so true.

It is one of my most acutely painful memories: the charm he turned on for the therapist. Who was taken in. As was the judge in our divorce case.

I couldn't speak I was so profoundly shocked. You think he is on the same page as you, that you will both be trying to work out your problems with honesty and sincerity. He so isn't on that page. His intention is to WIN so he can get back to some of the juicy punishments he enjoys so much.

If you really must go to the joint counselling then, as Towel suggests, use the words 'punishment' 'abuse' etc with no qualifications but as statements. eg don't say eg "I'm sorry to say this but.. " No need to look for his approval or cooperation. You aren't a team.