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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 20/01/2019 20:38

How did the talk go tonight?

If it hasn't happened yet please be wary of sleep deprivation. You already had one night of v little sleep.

Talking about your relationship into the night is a good trick for getting you into an exhausted place where you are more easily manipulated in the days after. Also, you are more likely than him to stay awake mind whirring while he just drops off to sleep afterwards. Set an alarm for when to end the convo no matter what. If he's serious then the conversation can be picked up the next day. There are no magic conversations where he sees the error and with a flick of a switch all is well so don't chase that when it is 11pm and he's sounding like he's moving towards an epiphany or he is attacking and you want to stay up and defend.

DeRigueurMortis · 20/01/2019 23:00

Glad you've looked at the freedom programme OP.

Thanks
springydaff · 21/01/2019 03:15

You're doing so well jamais Flowers

Is there a Woman's Aid equivalent where you live?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 13:03

No women's aid but honestly I don't feel I need it - I have you lot plus some very good friends. The books I'm reading and re-reading are great too.

@TowelNumber42 thanks, we managed to stop "the talk" at 10.30pm and I actually slept not TOO badly this time.

We talked about a lot of things, some interesting things, some old stuff dragged up.

H admitted that he has a problem with control, one of the things that stands out from his childhood is that his parents, in particular his mother, never let him decide for himself. So he is both quick to accuse me of being controlling and also finds it very difficult himself to relinquish control or let himself be influenced by me for example.

I find this hard too because I don't like to be told what to do either. This is a problem between us and I'm not sure it can be fixed, even by being aware of it.

An interesting thing was when we talked about the argument from the previous night. I pointed out that I don't feel like cuddling immediately after an argument with no discussion about it.

He pointed out that he didn't either but had made an effort to reconnect with me.

At one point he said, "well, I could have decided not to speak to you all day today instead".

At this I pointed out that this "sulking" is in fact a choice (as he has admitted in the past". He agreed, but said that I did the same to him at Christmas.

I said that if he had chosen to sulk, that would have been the end for me (of our relationship).

He said "I could also decide that YOU wanting to discuss things late at night was the end for me".

I said, yes, if that's a deal-breaker for you, you could.

I think he is trying to point out that I do bad things too (I know that) but that he doesn't leave because of them.

In the past this has messed with my head (and kept me there) but now I just think, well if it's a deal-breaker for me, it doesn't matter it it's not a deal-breaker for you.

But of course I still worry I am not justified or that it's not that serious after all.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 22/01/2019 13:23

Just decide on your limits and focus on them, he is more than capable of setting his own limits should he choose to.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 13:26

Exactly! That is one of the exercises in the book "Should I stay or should I go?" and I'm going to set aside some time tonight to write down my limits now while it's all relatively fresh in my mind.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/01/2019 13:39

if it's a deal-breaker for me, it doesn't matter it it's not a deal-breaker for you

I think you should say this to him. Tell him that you have set your boundaries and he either respects them or he doesn't. He doesn't have to like them or share them, he just has to acknowledge and respect them. If he can't do that you can't be with him.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 13:46

Yes, I think I need to be explicit about that.

It's true that I said it to him but I need to make it 100% clear that if it happens again I will be gone with no hesitation.

This will also help me to follow through with it.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 22/01/2019 13:46

I think the deal breaker is definitely something you should focus on. You don’t have to agree to split up. Just because you find something unacceptable, doesn’t mean if he doesn’t then it’s not valid. You could divorce him for picking his toenails on the sofa. Doesn’t matter if he feels it’s ok, if it’s a deal breaker for you then you split.

My ex used to use a similar argument with me. If I said for example ‘ id really appreciate it if you washed the pots up before you went to work’ rather than him thinking ‘ahh ok I can do that, it’s no big deal and it’s important to her’ he’d instantly point out that he’d done the hoovering that week. Or he’d say ‘well you haven’t hoovered today’ it’s almost like attack is the best form of defence. All it meant is nothing ever got resolved

TowelNumber42 · 22/01/2019 14:27

I doubt that telling him clearly again will make you follow through.

What matters is that you know it in your head. You know that a sulk is actually a signpost that he cannot change. If he sulks again you will decide that he cannot change his controlling behaviour and thus it is over. The message to him and to others is "I have learned that he cannot change his long term controlling behaviours and so, sadly, we are divorcing."

You have been plenty clear enough. Saying it again might show that you are saying it to convince yourself not to convince him. It flags up your weak spot to him. He can keep you focussed on individual minor events not the pattern of behaviour. So he will work on "Surely you wouldn't divorce me because I sulked a day after a fight! You wouldn't give me a make up cuddle when I tried. You are as bad as me. Everyone will say you are crazy and they'll be right." This is a very effective method of neutralising you so far.

Remember you are not divorcing him because of TheThingThatHappenedToday. You are divorcing him because you see that he cannot change his controlling behaviours.

He has told you he knows he is controlling. He has told you he has deep childhood issues making it hard for him to stop it. He knows. He knows very very well. Spelling it out again is all about the narrative in your head. It is not about his understanding.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 14:55

This is so true :

So he will work on "Surely you wouldn't divorce me because I sulked a day after a fight! You wouldn't give me a make up cuddle when I tried. You are as bad as me.

As is this :
Remember you are not divorcing him because of TheThingThatHappenedToday. You are divorcing him because you see that he cannot change his controlling behaviours.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 14:55

The first is already what he is essentially telling me right now.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/01/2019 15:44

OP is this actually the new 'improved' him then?

'Cos he's still trying to twist everything to make him look right.

Isn't that why you were leaving in the first place Confused

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 16:23

I suppose so yes.

I'm wondering if I should have left while I was still all worked up and angry.

At the moment I feel detached, but slightly wavering in thinking maybe I am as bad as him.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 22/01/2019 16:48

I think it's important to you that you're secure in your decision. So if that takes a few weeks for him to cock up or to prove what a changed being he is.... then that's fine.
There's nothing wrong with getting your ducks in a row either way.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 16:55

That is right.

I cannot leave and create a load of upheaval for the kids only to change my mind again afterwards, it's just not fair.

This calmer time is giving me a chance to be 100% sure but without letting myself settle back into complacency or false hope.

OP posts:
worriedunimum · 22/01/2019 16:55

That's because he's an abuser and he's sucking you back into to his cycle of abuse :(

pointythings · 22/01/2019 17:10

If you feel you are wavering, it's time to read this entire thread again from the beginning and let it sink in.

You have now given him every chance to change and make it work and he is (as many of us expected) fucking it up. That's on him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 22/01/2019 17:17

If you’re not ready OP, then don’t do anything. You’ll know when the time is right to go.

As for the, you’re leaving me for 1 day of sulking, plus you did the same last week’
Well firstly it’s not just one day sulking, it’s a relationships worth of sulking and how it changes your behaviour. But, even if it was one days sulking - so what? If the feel it’s unreasonable to you, then it is.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 22/01/2019 17:58

Wow, if this his 'trying' why the fuck are you bothering??? All this tit-for-tat bollocks he is coming out with is too childish for words. Dear god, the utter wankers some women put up with. Sorry op, I have been following from the beginning but this guy has proved he is an abusive bully over and over again, yet here you are, still giving him chances to be in a relationship but all he does is blame all the shit on you. Childhood issues??? Ffs, cry me a river.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 19:05

I don't think I have any idea about what's normal.

Is it not normal to defend yourself and point out that no-one is perfect?

I'm still struggling to see whether I am over reacting.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 22/01/2019 19:16

No that is not normal.

Whenever I have done something to seriously upset DH or he has seriously upset me, then the offender apologises wholeheartedly, makes pointed efforts to rectify the situation, explains why they did the bad thing and how/why they won't do it again.

In the rare circumstance that one of us is angry and the other thinks he/she is out of order then it is a discussion about our points of view. Maybe heated but always with the ultimate aim of understanding each other and coming to a decision on what we each change so we can be OK with it.

Of course we have snippy defensiveness and nobody's perfect quite often but that's on minor stuff like eating all the nice bread / forgetting to empty the bins / being late home. Not the big stuff.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/01/2019 19:39

Oh.

And that's not what's happening here, I see that.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 22/01/2019 20:06

You wrote H admitted that he has a problem with control, one of the things that stands out from his childhood is that his parents, in particular his mother, never let him decide for himself. So he is both quick to accuse me of being controlling and also finds it very difficult himself to relinquish control or let himself be influenced by me for example

He is telling you who he is, how he wants to behave and that it is a deep need. This has actually been obvious for years. You are still not believing him when he tells you.

He is equating you snapping and reacting really quite mildly with his frankly horrific behaviour over years. How many special times of his have you ruined deliberately because you were annoyed at him? None? How many ordinary days of his have you deliberately been mean to him for hours or even days to punish him? None? Now, how many times has he done that to you? Are you as bad as him? Is it at all reasonable for him to equate your behaviours? Or is he being a total selfish knobend?

pointythings · 22/01/2019 20:26

Listen to Towel. She gets it. You have been conditioned to minimise what he does. For a while there you had your anger and your strength, but 10 days of nice has sucked you back in. Don't let it. It isn't good for your DCs to see their father giving their mother the silent treatment.