Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

@springydaff I read a lot of the Lundy Bancroft book last night (Should I stay or should I go?).

I understand in more detail why they don't suggest counselling for abuse.

However I think my counselor sees that the scales have fallen from my eyes and that H's attitude to the counseling will allow me to see whether there is any hope or not.

I am getting the feeling from him that he is focused on ONE of the problems I brought up ( lack of affection and always coming last in his life) but that his revelation about his sulking and controlling has been pushed down.

I will be bringing this up in counseling.

The main worry seems to be that the abuser will either -

• Use things said in counseling to cause further abuse

• use joint counseling to validate his point of view as being equally important as mine

The thing is, for some (probably not entirely rational reason) I need absolute proof that I am not imagining things and that the relationship is unsalvageable.

If he does either of those things I have my psychologist there to talk it over with and friends at the ready too.

Loving your contributions CottonTailRabbit.

Your analogies chime perfectly. You cannot appeal to the conscience of someone who is living in their own personality cult, the main article of faith being that they are righteously right to ‘correct’ the object of their abuse at every opportunity.

This quote below was also relevant to my XH. He ran into arseholes all the time and I very rarely did. (Apart from living with one, obv).

“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.”

P.s. sorry for brief hijack OP.

Good luck with the counselling. I did Relate with my XH. He took it as an opportunity to be more vicious, to justify himself and keep ‘punishing’ me. I wept through the sessions!

Call him out if he tries to justify his sulking behaviour. And tell the counsellor he admitted he uses it to ‘punish’ you. Anyone who thinks they have the right to punish you IS an arsehole.

Not a hijack at all @PoppyField I'm glad if this thread is useful for other people too - that's the point of Mumsnet!

Just had quite an emotional yoga session - lots of negative things came up in my head.

One which stands out is that in the discussion over my birthday weekend, H managed to put the blame on Me in every way.

Even when he admitted he had been giving me the silent treatment, his reason (or one of them) was that I had been away or busy in 2 previous weekends in that month.

I had actually accepted that argument as valid for him feeling tired, when I realised today that although he admitted that in general it was a busy time of year, he did not put any of the blame on his excessive workload or on all of the extra responsibilities he takes on outside work.

It was because I had been doing things for myself.

I could understand that if our dc were tiny, but at the age they are now, it is not hugely tiring being responsible for them for a few hours or even a whole weekend.

Feeling pretty crappy now and I already slept badly last night after reading Lundy Bancroft.

I keep having the thought that I am making too much of a big deal about things but then wondering if I'm actually not making a big enough deal about them!!!

Will talk it over with the counselor soon.

jamaisjedors💐🌷Keep looking after yourself.

Eh? On what planet is feeling tired a valid reason for being an utter cock to someone on their birthday, on holiday, on the anniversary of a bereavement? How is that OK even if he were genuinely tired.

I've smiled through many a special event while feeling utterly fucking exhausted. Doesn't everyone?

I get that. I can be watching something and he'll come in and just turn it over without even asking, or turn the light off (even if I'm reading) when he's decided he wants to sleep.

Sorry I'm so behind. Only just found thread and still reading.

just turn it over without even asking, or turn the light off (

DH used to do this when we first got together, I was appalled he claimed it was just absent mindedness. Fortunately he only died it v v occasionally now say once every five years and I know him better so see that it's him not thinking rather than exerting control. I laugh now but still make him put it back.

That's what decent people do.

When DH turns TV off it turns over I will always comment "oh we are going to sleep then are we" or "I was watching that" no big deal... he's got better at learning how to get to sleep with the TV still on

You're not making it a big deal, it was a big deal. It was your weekend fir a number of reasons and he needs to acknowledge he was totally out of order.

Hope the counselling works for him but don't forget your feelings matter.

I think you should go over that weekend in your counselling with him. Use it as an example of how he has made you feel for however many years. Tell them that this is what you want to address.

1. Why did he feel the need to punish you
2. Why can he not accept responsibility and apologise

He does not get to draw a line under everything in the past and just focus on the future. He needs to show that he understands how his past actions have got you both to this point today.

If he won't do that (and I suspect he won't) then what is the point of trying to build a future together. Relationships are built on foundations and if yours are crumbling there is no point in trying to put more weight on it.

You are the only one carrying the weight and you cannot continue to do that on your own. That's not how good relationships work.

Thank you for your wise advice.

I have been going over it in my mind and had been thinking similar.

I want to get right down to it in counseling and not faff about with other minor issues.

That weekend was the moment when my counselor really saw what I was dealing with and is symptomatic of our relationship in it's bad moments as well as what is hanging over me in the good times.

Due to several posts on here and a couple of remarks from H I am a little concerned he will use HIS counseling to address other issues and maybe even reinforce his point of view that he is right about everything.

I did counselling with my narc ex. But I knew at that point what he was. So his attitude and behaviour during the sessions pinpointed all the crappy and cruel behaviour, and reinforced my decision to leave. The biggest eye opener was his utter inability to identify his own emotions, they were positive or negative, nothing in between. There was initial lip-service to my feelings, but once pushed to act to acknowledge them he fell at the first hurdle.

So imo, it's helpful if you are self aware and using it for knowledge, but not if you are hoping for change from an abuser.

However I think my counselor sees that the scales have fallen from my eyes and that H's attitude to the counseling will allow me to see whether there is any hope or not.

I just don't get this at all.

What abusers do is actually harmful, traumatising. Your counselor seems to be putting the onus on your mind, how you choose to see it. That's like having a conversation with someone who raped you but deciding to be unemotional about it.

How much does your counselor know about domestic abuse? You seem to be suggesting s/he is learning about this from you. This is so dangerous op.

I absolutely get the wondering if you're making a fuss. I have that even now, decades later and he's dead. I was horrifically abused, psychologically and emotionally - yet I wonder if it's just the way I was seeing it. Imo that never goes, not really. It's like an optical illusion: one minute you see it, the next you don't.

For your psychologist to suggest you do this is madness. Whoever they are, they don't know what they're doing on this. They're not the oracle you know, just a psychologist.

Honestly I do think she knows about abuse because all the things she said made sense with what you all say and what I have read.

But I don't think that professionally she can say to me "you have to leave".

Particularly as this was the first time I had come to her with definite "proof" of an abusive situation but had also told her I was still hesitating about whether to leave or not.

But please keep being straight with me, I need to keep this perspective. H has dropped the heaping on of affection but we have been having normal family life and it can be difficult to keep hold of what it is ilke when things are bad.

Which is why you need to do the Freedom Programme. You need to immerse yourself in the facts - in much the same way as you've been immersed in the abuse for many years. You need a counterbalance.

I've linked you to the courses - do go along, it is more powerful than reading about it. Not that reading about it isn't also powerful of course! Just meeting with others - normal, great women - really brings it home. A new normal.

Talking of reading, Lundys book Why Does He Do That? is a must.

No your counselor can't tell you to leave but neither can she tell you to go to counselling with a known abuser. It is her job to warm you of the very real risks

Thank you. I followed the freedom program online over Christmas, I am not in the UK so can't go along to real sessions.

I have read and reread Why does he do that ? and at the moment I am reading "should I stay or should I go?" By the same author.

It's pretty amazing and is very relevant.

It has some interesting insights into what I'm doing right now, staying after H has promised to change.

The conclusions so far are unfortunately that even if H changes, things won't necessarily work out and the personal cost to me could be very high (which I know is what you are saying to me on here too).

I am working through the exercises in the book, which are getting me to focus on healing myself, prioritising my happiness, and setting up (and writing down) clear limits as to what I will and will not accept and what will be enough change for ME.

I can't recommend the book highly enough to any other people reading the thread and in similar situations.

I find it useful because it is less focused on the abuse and more on the stage when you are torn between wanting it to get better and wanting to walk away.

I've been wondering how this weekend was going for you, hope you're continuing to do what you want and not tread on eggshells around him

thats sounds brilliant
I have read the 'why does he do that' and recommended it many times, along side the freedom programme, but have not read the other book.
I think you are doing the right thing in focusing on you - its really good instead of, what many abusers do creep by creep , framing every decision around what HE wants, or might do. He will do what he wants to do, but when you are modifying your behaviour for fear of an incident, its the sign something is very wrong.
I think it often happens so slowly that we dont notice it, and that workbook sounds as if it is forcing you to centre yourself again

Weekend is a bit up and down, thanks for asking.

We are kind of back to the way things were before between us, the extra-nice stuff lasted 10 days.

Nice day yesterday but DH had his first counselling appointment and when I asked him about it that evening he got cross and defensive and denied that he was stressed about work stuff etc.

We both got v. little sleep. Next morning he wanted a hug and then for me to kiss him, which I refused. His reasoning was that we try and have a nice day for the DC (special event today). He promised we would talk about it tonight (we have blocked off this evening to spend time together).

I am getting more and more sure that it is a mistake to stay and that he is not going to be able to change. I think he's back to denying there's a problem, but I'll see what he has to say tonight.

I'm keeping an eye on flats/house again.

I want to have the 1st marriage counselling appointment and then talk it through with my psychologist to start getting my head straight again.

Nice day for the children means you having sex with him. Er what? Does he mean that you having sex with him will mean he doesn't have to sulk today and ruin the children's day.

As an aside, I don't think anyone should ever asks others about their counselling. It is deeply personal. Never ask but listen if something is offered.

You are right about the counselling.

He has respected that with me in the past although actually it would have been helpful to talk about what I'd been doing because he had a totally false representation of what was going on there.

Actually he was cross because I said he was more open to connection in our relationship when he wasn't stressed out by work and that it would be helpful to our relationship to work on that in the counselling.

I just asked him if it went ok and then gave my opinion about work stress. But I think I probably should have left it. I'm quite impatient and feeling so conflicted I guess I was looking for answers there.

With regard to your other remark, I think sex is the only way he knows how to re-establish (in his eyes) the connection after an argument.

I made it clear it was not on the cards and it won't be tonight either.

I can see how you are frustrated at waiting for what you increasingly see as the obvious end result (I'm CottonTailedRabbit with a name change btw).

When's the joint counselling?

Hi. Friday night. And I see my counselor on Monday afternoon which is good timing.