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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
NettleTea · 12/01/2019 17:42

Yes, I wouldnt have expected him to have kicked off about this weekend tbh - its all far too soon after 'The Chat' - he is going to be in best boy mode for a while yet.

Plus 6 months doesnt have to be the deadline. You can stay or go after or before. 6 months doesnt mean that he is then free to go back to how he was, because 'you agreed' that 6 moths was the try again period.

I would use this time to start putting things in place so that your life resembles the life you want for yourself. No more self censoring. No more changing what you want because he wants something. It will serve several outcomes - firstly it will be pushing buttons and seeing if there is a reaction. He may be going 'Oh jamaisjedors is doing HER thing, Im not really liking it but I have to put on a good face' because its new and he knows he needs to - but how long? How many times before he thinks, enough is enough now'
secondly it will be creating a pattern to slip into, a new normal which, hopefully, can be continued. Be brave. Confront any wobble and hold it to the light. Make him realise when he is being rude/an arse right in the moment, if and when it happens. No more creeping about trying not to upset him. If living your life upsets him then better you know it now and cut loose.
thirdly you are setting up for your future. If he isnt going to be in it, then you are getting used to doing stuff you enjoy

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/01/2019 20:21

@NettleTea absolutely, that is the plan and I wouldn't have it if it weren't for everyone in here.

If I can't have the life I want WITH him, o will have it without him.

I think the couple's therapy will be interesting. The counselor comes recommended by my psychologist and is a psychologist herself with a lot of experience.

There are bound to be conflictual moments, not least when she asks us why we are there.

And you are right that I feel under no obligation to stick out the six months if it's not working for me.

July would be a "good" time to move out and move on as I don't work as much over the summer and it would give the DC a chance to settle in before a new school year.

Bit of things are waful before that I won't be waiting it out. Equally if things get bad again next September/October (they tend to), I will again know nothing has changed (but probably kick myself for not leaving earlier).

@Cottontailrabbit - hard to say, I would say 3-4 months max.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 12/01/2019 20:40

If I can't have the life I want WITH him, o will have it without him.

It's heartwarming to see you say this OP.

Whatever the future holds, with each post you're sounding stronger and more determined to forge a life that also recognises your needs/aspirations as well as that of your family.

Thanks
whatsamattayou · 12/01/2019 21:12

Just wanted to say well done OP. I've been reading this thread for weeks since you started but only signed up to mumsnet recently. I have no advice, but wanted you to know I have been so impressed with your strength (which I can see has grown over the weeks.) and also the support and advice from others.

Keep going on your terms. You can't fail now you have decided you will have the life you want without him if it comes to that. Good luck though I hope things do work out. I have my fingers crossed he has made lifelong changes. If not you can hold your head high that you tried everything.

Wauden · 14/01/2019 22:55

Hope that you enjoyed your event on Saturday.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/01/2019 06:25

All good here, thanks everyone.

We had a good weekend and i kept reminding myself to be "selfish".

We had a minor disagreement on Sunday over the logistics of me going away for work.

I didn't hold back and told him to stop interfering when he started trying to get involved in my plans and despite me getting a bit annoyed, we managed to laugh and go to bed on good terms.

This is possible in good phases, but things like that tend to escalate in bad phases.

H has his first appointment at the psychologist at the weekend and our first marriage counseling session is the following Friday (not this week, next week).

I think the counselling will be interesting because for the moment H is very loving and attentive but some hard things will need to be said in counseling and a real test of any change will be how he deals with that.

I also think he may minimise the situation to the counselor, but I have my own counselor who I can talk that through with the following week.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 15/01/2019 08:14

Be ready for him to decide, allegedly backed by his counsellor, that he is great and has if anything been too quick to sacrifice his own happiness to give you what you want. It's all in the telling and his own beliefs however selfish.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/01/2019 08:37

That's fine, that will be all I need to walk out the door! But I don't expect it to be that simple...

OP posts:
KeiTeNgeNge · 16/01/2019 10:35

Fingers crossed for you

Sugarsnapp · 16/01/2019 10:53

@CottonTailRabbit

Is that classic when an 'abuser' goes to counselling? I ask because my H went (reluctantly, at my request) and I hoped he would see what causes him to behave as he does and therefore change. All that has happened is he's more sure than ever that he's in the right and I'm equally to blame!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 16/01/2019 11:40

That is worrying Sugar snap...

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 16/01/2019 11:47

Sugarsnapp yes, this is why it is not recommended to do joint / couples / relationship therapy in an abusive relationship. The abusive partner is generally very manipulative and manages to continue the manipulation and abuse via the therapy. They also learn some new weapons to add to their arsenal.

Prettyvase · 16/01/2019 11:57

Your DH's counselor is not going to tell your DH to do what you want any more than your counselor is going to tell you to do what your DH wants!

CottonTailRabbit · 16/01/2019 14:24

What I've seen in my own friends and family is that the abusive person genuinely believes themselves to be entitled to behave as they do. They truly believe others are unreasonable and they describe the situations in ways that back up their assertion.

When a counsellor starts unravelling the person's belief systems this can have the effect of making the person focus on their values and the person then realises that their partner victim does not adhere to these core values. The fact that their values are excessively selfish or misogynistic isn't obvious or the therapy is abandoned before that comes out.

I think this deep entitlement is what keeps the partners hooked too sometimes. The abuser is absolutely clear and determined around enforcing their values. If their way is challenged then they are genuinely wounded / anxious / angry / depressed. It can make the victim feel like surely those feelings must be valid or that if only I can explain why something must change that the person will get it and behave differently.

It's like trying to talk them out of a religion. It is too deep. It is too crazy. They truly truly believe it and will act accordingly.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 16/01/2019 17:20

That's a very interesting insight @Cottontailrabbit and unfortunately resonated with me.

OP posts:
Sugarsnapp · 16/01/2019 17:55

Cottontailrabbit you have literally just summed up my life right now. He is so emotionless, so sure he is right after having had this ‘self development ‘ that was supposed to be about helping US go forward that it is akin to dealing with a religious zealot. I have been starting to doubt myself but then I tell someone what’s happened in the past & what is going on now & as I say it out loud it’s so clear...

CottonTailRabbit · 16/01/2019 18:39

I think one of the best things you can do is similar to what they do: know your own values and live according to them even if it upsets people close to you and might even destroy relationships.

I think the religion analogy works. If your partner gets a religion that says women must only move by hopping on Tuesdays you would refuse and you would not take their upset personally, you'd think stupid bloody religion but probably wouldn't bother trying to argue them out of the religion because everyone knows that's impossible. If they persisted to try to force you follow their religion's rules then ultimately you'd leave them.

You can only police your boundaries if you know what you yourself hold as core values independently of anyone else.

CottonTailRabbit · 16/01/2019 18:46

Let's put it another way. Instead if thinking how can I save this marriage, how can I make my partner happy, how can I keep my man, how can I make him behave differently, think am I living according to my values?

If your main value seems to be make sure nobody is ever even remotely upset with me then have a rethink.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 16/01/2019 20:40

Yes that is a much better way to live and already my own life is so much better in just 10 days because of trying to live like that.

I don't know how sustainable it is because I guess if I slipped into trying to match up to his values or way of life in the past, it was for a reason.

I am older and wiser and stronger now but still wonder if I might starry drinking the cool aid again if I am less vigilant.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 16/01/2019 21:00

Yes it was for a reason but that reason might not exist any more. You are older, wiser, stronger. The scales have fallen from your eyes. The innocence is gone and that's a good thing for you. You can't unsee what you've seen.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/01/2019 01:21

Great posts Cotton

ScienceIsTruth · 17/01/2019 01:30

I have a sulker; it drives me crazy because you can't even argue/discuss and sort things out.

I'm now finding that resentment builds up in me bc he gets so defensive and just won't discuss anything and then it's my fault bc he knew I'd react like this, which is why he wouldn't discuss it.

No. I'm upset bc you won't talk to me!

springydaff · 17/01/2019 01:37

OP you seem to be persisting in your view that couples counselling is a good idea, despite many posters categorically saying it's not.

Maybe you've lost sight that your husband is an abuser. Maybe you think he's turned over a new leaf and all that abuse was an aberration that even you've forgotten, like a bad headache. You haven't quite forgotten it but the depth of it has been forgotten as his spangling behaviour has obliterated it, blinding you to the memory.

I have no idea why your psychologist would suggest couples counselling with a known abuser. Anyone who has even basic knowledge of abuse knows that counselling with an abuser is disastrous for the victim of the abuse.

springydaff · 17/01/2019 01:41

just one article

caringcarer · 17/01/2019 02:11

I love my dh very much but he has fault of sulking if he loses an argument. We don't argue very often and he does not always sulk but occasionally he does. I either make a point of going out with friends and leave him to sulk alone or occasionally i laugh at him. I always make him come out of sulk before we make up. I tell him no sex for summers as i don't feel close to him when he sulks.