Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

@Hepzibar we've all done it at some stage

I do think something to add OP if it doesn’t work out is that there is nothing wrong with being aware that the grass isn’t always greener but it can be different grass! I have similar issues with H , not so much sulking but more anger management issues

@yetmorecrap do you mean that every relationship has its issues? Or have I misunderstood?

If I do get out, I am not imagining some perfect other relationship is out there waiting for me. I see other people's marriages and am not necessarily envious of many of them, apart from the ones who seem to be a team and gave each other's back.

Btw just started reading another Lundy Bancroft book "Should I stay or should I go?" which suggests exercises and journalling to become stronger and make your own decision about your future.

So far the description of the unhealthy relationship and of one of the "controlling" (but not necessarily abusive) relationships.

Will report back when I've read more.

Am also going to push the boundaries this weekend and go to an event which interests me on Saturday morning.

I expect this to entail lots of "but you're too tired, it'll be too much for you" or some sulking about when we are going to do the shopping.

OTOH, H is still on best behaviour, very affectionate and almost clingy. It feels wierd to feel that is almost too much, despite having wanted/begged for this for years.

push the boundaries this weekend and go to an event which interests me

sulking about when we are going to do the shopping

Oh, lovely , this just made me feel so much for you. I'm so glad you have found the Lundy Bancroft books , to help give some perspective on relationships.

I wouldn't expect to think twice about the scenario you have outlined, it would be so very far from pushing reasonable boundaries.

If there is something you are interested in , why would he not get the shopping done while you are there? How can he think you might be too tired to go to something special that interests you but not too tired to do the shopping together ?

wanted/begged for this for years.

I'm very sorry, it does sound as PPs have said that he is adapting his behaviour to get what he wants rather than naturally adjusting to what you want / need. I am so very sorry.

I am basing myself on past behaviour, but when I noticed I was putting off signing off for this event automatically because I knew it would annoy him, I called myself out on it and have now signed up.

It will be interesting to see how the discussion goes but all helpful for decision-making for me.

You are right that I have been in this relationship so long that I have no idea what is "pushing the boundaries" for a normal relationship and what is normal everyday life.

Discussion? Hopefully about how fun it will be. DH and I tell each other when we are going to things. Then we might have a discussion about what it will be like. Rarely does one of us try to talk the other out of if. It would only be a discussion if we had to move other commitments around or leave one of us doing some shit job on their own. You don't have to discuss. Announce.

I think he has some shit job lined up for the Saturday morning but we haven't discussed that either!!!

We just "double check", I'm going to do X is that ok?

Then it may be "oops really sorry I've already bought tickets for y, forgot to put it on the calendar, can we make it work?"

Basically we try to facilitate each other to go the things we want to do not put barriers up!

First to put it in the diary wins in our house.

We do have a shared diary and normally that rule works for us.

H has put this job in the diary for Saturday morning but I think it can be moved to another slot.

Will see how we handle this.

If his job could theoretically be done any time but your event is only on Saturday morning then your event trumps his job. Although is there any reason why he can't do the job and look after the DC at the same time?

That's what I think but in the past I would have self censored, partly out if fear of things blowing up or being in the receiving end of the silent treatment, partly out of a sense of guilt at leaving him to do the job (which can be done with the DC but is hard on the back, moving some wood) with the DC.

Replying to mark my place in the thread as I think we married the same man. Currently on a 2 day sulk because I suggested he play with DS when he had already said he wanted a quiet cup of tea. Or something... I don’t know but it doesn’t take much. So reading thread with interest and want to say you not alone xx

Jamais - it sounds lik3 you are very aware of your own behaviour which is good. A different situation but a friends dh finally went on anti depressants. She told me it was living with another man, but it took a year before she completely stopped self censoring. The habits are ingrained.

Just as long as we're not putting 'sulking' down to depression. No it is calculated emotional abuse.

Just to labour the point.

It will be interesting to see if he really means what he said and moves his job so you can attend your event.
If he pushes back, it is really about him and what he wants.

So we had a chat about how to organise the weekend and he has moved that job to later on so we can do it all together and has just headed off to do the shopping so I can go to my event.

Positive outcome. Enjoy your event.

Oh that is good news @jamaisjedors

Hope that it what your life is like from now on. The journal sounds like a good idea to keep your new perspective on what is 'normal'.

I am pleased with what my life looks like right now, despite still being on my guard.

We also have some good resulutions about spending time with the DC that we are keeping up with so far (H in particular).

Great!

It's sad that he seems to be adapting so easily because this just highlights of much of his behaviour has been his choice. He actively chose to make your life hell for years even when it's clear that it's easy for him not to.

That is true fairenuff and it's what is keeping me on my guard.

To be fair it's not been horrific all the time, if it was I would have walked before now.

But the accumulative effect of the cycles of good times and bad have kind of worn me down so that I am not fully able to appreciate being given back my husband of the first 10 years together.

What was the longest good phase in recent years? If he's going to crack when do you think it will happen? In reaction to a trigger or just over time being worn out of holding in the mean?