Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

No, I don't get that either.

Does he mean he's carving out strategies that are you have to be nicer to him so he isn't forced to abuse you because of your 'neglect'.

He is already financially abusing you:

Will only contribute to childcare that is his choice
Insisted on having g a lodger
Pressurising you into paying for house improvements money earmarked for ILR costs
Threatening to reduce his contribution if you make purchases he doesn't approve of

Those are from the top of my head!!!

Sorry wrong thread

It's generally agreed that having counselling with an abuser is a no-no. Eg abusers find out more about their target and fine tune the abuse (and gaslighting) with greater skill. In short, they get tips on exactly how to abuse for maximum effect.

I wish I were being shrill but I'm depressingly accurate on that.

If you give it a go then you do NOTHING. He has a lot of ground to make up. You have historically stretched yourself thin over the entire relationship territory, second guessing and appeasing him, losing sight of your own needs in the process. All you got for your troubles was sustained and acutely painful abuse.

No, you don't have any work to do. It's all his work to do.

You have kids living in this. Please don't think they aren't being damaged by it, they really are. If it weren't for them I'd probably not come out all guns blazing. You are an abused wife - no 6 of this and half a dozen the other. No, its all him.

It's going to be hard not to fall back into your old habits. All the things you do automatically so as not to 'trigger' his disapproval.

You should really stress test him by doing the things that you like and know that he doesn't to see if he can accept that you are a different person to him and that he can't have things his way all the time.

If you hadn't needed a guarantor would you have moved out anyway when he promised to change?

@Cottontailrabbit

I had decided to ask a colleague at work and I think she would have said yes.

Also the owner/landlord seemed willing to be flexible or fund some way around that so that's not the reason I stayed.

jamaisjedors your thead gave me the courage to address issues with my h. He finally agreed to seeing a psychologist several months ago. He feels he doesn't need any more. He definately controls his anger better now (but i know when it's bubbling) so he has changed to some extent.
The behavious are so entrenched though, which came through when i tried to talk to him at the weekend. It's just exhausting having to be the only adult in the relationship all the time. . It's always my fault...
Try not to be on guard and see if he can maintain normal, respectful, caring behaviour. Honestly, this type of 'covert' abuser find it very hard to change their poor behaviour.

Joint counselling with an abuser is not a good idea at all.

I'm very aware that one of the benefits of posting on a forum such as this is that you can gain clarity from anon posters offering dispassionate advice.

Equally, there are invariably nuances to a situation that can mean that advice isn't always the optimal way forward at that point in time.

So no, you've no need to think anyone is disappointed by your decision and I'd hate to think you'd stop posting and getting support for that reason.

It's your life and the consequences are going to be yours to own long after this thread is archived though age.

That said, I stand by my posts, specifically that when I said to be mindful of his response when you spoke to him.

Specially that his response will not be based on what he feels or what is best for you and he children, rather a response designed to facilitate the outcome he desires based on his own self interest.

Based on everything you've said I have no hesitation in concluding your H has exhibited abusive behaviour towards you for a long time.

You therefore need to understand that your perception of his behaviour and motivation has been filtered through that lens of abuse for a long time and may well be distorted.

I talked in an earlier post about balance scales.

Consider that now he knows the sulks (and the super charming flip side) have no "weight" that he's simply offering up an alternative strategy - to the same ends.

"Mr I'll go to Therapy" and "Mr I'm in Pain/coming to terms with diagnosis" still all tip the scales in his favour. It's still all about him and "excuses" designed to put you on the back foot.

Please be aware of that and I would reiterate as a PP has already said that joint counselling is a very bad idea for you in these circumstances.

It could well be that your stance has prompted a sense of self evaluation from him but you'd be unwise to take that on faith presently (and for some time).

I'd suggest you keep a diary to enable you to reflect on his actions/your feelings (it could simply be this thread - as I said there's no judgment, only support and concern for you - or maybe a secure online journal) so you can read back, reflect and spot patterns of behaviour that you're now much more aware of.

As ever

@DeRigueurMortis
Great post!

You should leave him. He won’t change. You are dragging the chain and making excuses for him.

@DeRigueurMortis
Really good advice! Reading your words that it's not how they are currently feeling but what they want the end result to be was a light bulb moment for me.
My H has done the therapy and has swung between gaslighting, same abusive behaviours and playing the victim since. Like you say, it's all always all about him and how he feels.

It's been such a long road (years of thinking I could change myself to change him, then him saying he really will change) to get to the mindset I'm at now which is that months or years later, he will always eventually revert to type. Still here, but not for much longer.

Glad it was helpful Mango.

I think part of the problem is that it is very easy to think that an abuser behaves the same as anyone else.

That when someone says "I'm unhappy in this relationship" their response is going to be what the majority of people would be inclined to say ie "yes I'm unhappy too, can we /do we want to work together to fix it" or "I'm sorry you are unhappy, let's talk about it and if it's my behaviour making you unhappy let's discuss what needs to change and how" - and they actually mean it because it's what they feel.

As such victims of emotional abuse "think" that's what's going on in the head/heart when they talk with their partner/spouse - because that would be a normal emotional and genuine response.

However it's not. The overriding mental processing focuses on "what do I want and how do I get it", not "how do I feel".

That's why when one tactic doesn't work, they shift to another (or a combination) until they find something that does - sulking, pity parties, guilt trips, gas lighting, feigned efforts to self reflect via therapy, playing mr super thoughtful/charming etc

All of which are designed to make you feel like the bad person in any given scenario and as such change your behaviour rather than them changing theirs - because you're made to feel guilty that they are "trying really hard" or "you're expecting too much" or "change takes time" or "look how much I've done for you lately" etc etc (usually accompanied by a parody sad face that even the Daily Mail would be ashamed to put in print).

They want to maintain the status quo, so you need to think about how their response is "enticing" you to do that and see it for what it is.

Some great posts.

The journal idea is good, already got some thinks I want to put down in it.

People like that use counseling to mess with you. Do be careful.

Got my journal at the ready, sulk waiting for the mask to slip, for the moment lots of attention and daily texts.

Jamais, your response sounds entirely reasonable. You know what you need from him and are clear about what you can do if this is all an act.
If the six months go by and your still not happy you'll know you tried everything

Yes it’s early days - you have been very clear re your expectations.
I hope he can change and be an adult.
Good luck - use the journal and keep posting if it’s helpful.

no idea where that sulk came from- should be "still"!

My telephone must be used to me typing "sulk" !!!!

OP can you clarify, where the nude photos of the girls in his class/ school?

If they were then yes, it is a criminal offence sharing sexual images of children. He may have not shared just been the receiver?

If they are of other students you should report this into school so they can address and support the other students as they see fit

@Hepzibar I think you may have the wrong thread.

I think the thing is you know probably deep down that he won’t change but in order to give yourself permisision to leave you have have “tried everything”. That makes perfect sense, this is your whole life and that of your children.
However, don’t sensor yourself anymore in terms of what knife you use to cut the bread (from what you said up thread).

You are clearly a strong, intelligent woman.
I hope you continue to take courage and power from the words in this thread to be the person you want to be and live the life you want to lead. You and only you are in control of that. Not him.
Very best of luck.

@MsForestier thanks for letting me know!

Sorry everyone. I am a Social Media idiot!

You know reading this post amongst others makes me relieved i'm divorced and quite honestly I don't think I can put up with mens' shit any more.
Living alone is so peaceful, happy and just generally brilliant.
I remember how awful it was putting up with my ex's endless sulking and every single special occasion that he ruined, I know I could never put up with that again.
I honestly think you'd be happier without him OP, I really do xx