Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/01/2019 20:30

Only time will tell. If you end up needing to walk away you will know hand on heart that he was given every opportunity to change.

Any hint of sulking pull him up on it there and then regardless of any argument it starts!

FinallyHere · 07/01/2019 20:32

if there is the slightest hint of any sulking that will be it for me. My "escape" plan is already in place and it will be so much easier to walk, knowing I have real life and online support and knowing exactly what I need to do (I am keeping my notebook with all my information in it).

Good for you @jamaisjedors this is your life, not a soap opera designed to entertain us. I do hope it goes well with you, having a plan b is a very very good idea. All the best.

cstaff · 07/01/2019 20:33

Not let down at all OP. Really hope it works for you. Now that he knows you are serious there may be a chance for you to work things out. On the other hand you now know how to get out quickly if needed and you have support both online and IRL.

Hope he gets his act together.

nicenewdusters · 07/01/2019 20:59

Absolutely not disappointed OP. You sound very strong and calm. He knows exactly where you both stand, you have drawn your line in the sand and you have plans for if you do walk away.

As you say, it's not legally binding. You know him so well you'll be able to spot the first signs of his rowing back on things. If it ends you'll have peace of mind that you did everything, and he had the chance to do everything, to try and make things work.

I'd love to think that people could really change, I hope your husband is one of them. Keep us updated if you can/want to.

AnotherEmma · 07/01/2019 21:12

I'm actually really impressed by your update. Best of luck.

NettleTea · 07/01/2019 21:35

I think your update is great, and you have really taken the bull by the horns and forced him to face the situation.
I hope that you will see it all through with positive results and really admire how you have found your strength xxx

Poocalypso · 07/01/2019 21:46

Dear Jamais! If you feel happy with this then that is all that matters. Please consider working on all this from your new house. There are many ways to approach this - spending some time apart may help - it did for my relationship.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 07/01/2019 21:47

Jamais great update. You have been - and continue to be - strong and focused. This plan sounds like one that can be easily monitored - visibly, in fact - and that could be successful. I so hope it is. If it is not, then you can walk away knowing you gave it your all.

I wish you strength (not that you are lacking in that area), and happiness.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2019 22:02

Nothing wrong with giving it another 6 months or so if you want to. Only time will tell if he can change. I suppose he can if he really wants to and that's been the problem all along really - he just didn't want to.

Just be careful that you don't fall back into the habit of trying to second guess what he wants to please him and keep the peace. If it starts to go wrong he will of course blame you. Don't fall for it again. You know where your mn army is if you need it again.

explodingkitten · 07/01/2019 22:34

It's your marriage, if you feel that there still is space to save it then you are equally brave to try it as you would have been to walk away. I hope that you will have a happy future, whatever the outcome may be.

Bertiebitch32 · 08/01/2019 07:02

At least you can say you have tried op. He can't turn around and say you didn't give him a chance. All best and remember we are all here if you need to chat Flowers

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 08/01/2019 07:38

Thanks for all your messages.

I do actually feel braver for telling him and not just leaving, I do have a "flight" rather than "fight" inate reaction and this is kind of new for me.

It has allowed me to see that I don't need to be afraid, I can say what I am thinking because I have already seen " the worst" up close and I know I can cope.

OP posts:
MsForestier · 08/01/2019 07:56

jamaisjedors well done to you. Thank you for the update. Wishing you all the best. X

Porridgeprincess · 08/01/2019 09:36

You are actually right to give it another go as right now you want to. You know if things go south that you can walk anytime. He can either choose to keep you or fail you now. The very best of luck to you xx

Prettyvase · 08/01/2019 10:40

Keep him on his toes! He has a lot to lose! Don't allow him to slack and keep up the grey rock as it works Grin

Good luck and live your life how YOU want to from now on and call him up on every single immature misdemeanor Flowers

headinhands · 08/01/2019 10:54

He also came up with some suggestions of his own to help us stay closer and avoid misunderstandings (or sulks).

So he's saying that he used sulks to punish you for any emotional distance between you. As for the other stuff, he knows you and he knows what you want to hear. Talk is cheap. I wouldn't want to be with someone who needed a whole raft of input to learn that it's not okay to punish me by sulking.

springydaff · 08/01/2019 11:42

Sorry to break the code but yes, I'm disappointed.

As a pp said, I'd love to think abusers can change. But I gave my abuser another chance, I'm now remembering! Thankfully be showed his true colours soon enough and I was finally able to leave him for good. Phew.

I was going to post to say watch out for your kids. This sort of abuser may be the type to kidnap the kids if things aren't going his way. Just bear that in mind xx

Fairenuff · 08/01/2019 11:52

Also keep an eye on your money keep all your documents/passports somewhere safe. After all, he could be using this time to get his own ducks in a row. Especially if he can't or doesn't want to change and realises he is going to lose you anyway.

CottonTailRabbit · 08/01/2019 12:02

I too would be surprised if he really changes. As you say yourself he's bang on the script. However, you are now in the right state of mind, the scales have fallen from your eyes, you are no longer terrified of his sulks, you are reconnecting with your own needs, you have a solid exit strategy.

As long as you keep a tight focus on your own needs and control your own pandering to his every hint of displeasure that's been well ingrained into you over the years then you should be fine.

The natural tendency would be to want the 6 months to succeed and everything to he hunky dory. You could find yourself fooling yourself.

I'd suggest a little self-check to do every day or so. Think about when was the last time you did something he didn't like and did absolutely nothing about him being unhappy? How did you and he react. Did you hide? Could you be in the same room as him and his displeasure without being a wreck? Did he escalate? Did he find another way to punish you?

From going to bed late to choosing the TV or cooking something you like that he isn't keen on. I'd be looking to do some little thing every other day at least. Nothing major, not taking the children to get tattoos or a getting yourself a toyboy or spending the bills money on a handbag! Little normal things.

You both need to know if you can change your patterns of behaviour. You can only do that if you stress the weak points. Avoid the thin ice will give you a false sense of security.

magoria · 08/01/2019 12:08

I don't want to put a dampener on you however didn't you have this talk a year ago? Or two years ago?

He says what you want to hear and does the bare minimum needed to stop you walking.

Make this the last 6 month chance you give him.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 08/01/2019 12:19

I hear you all and knowing that you are here to call me out on any weakness helps immensely in remaining strong.

I think the marriage counseling will be a big test, as my psychologist says.

It could also be an idea to push the boundaries a bit too, I see that.

We did have a similar conversation 2 years back but H didn't make any compromises at the time and I was still scared of him.

For those concerned about financial abuse or the children, honestly there has never been any question or hint of that.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/01/2019 12:28

Good advice from fairenuff and cottontail

Just because there has been no financial abuse in the past doesn't mean he will play fair if and when you do separate. Protect your own finances, you'd be a fool not to.

royalton · 08/01/2019 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 08/01/2019 12:51

Yes private (not in UK) - i gave him my psychologist's address and he emailed her straight away, but she can't/won't see 2 people from the same family so has recommended a colleague.

OP posts:
Wauden · 08/01/2019 13:00

He also came up with some suggestions of his own to help us stay closer and avoid misunderstandings (or sulks).
I don't really understand this; is this putting the blame on you? Given that he punishes you by sulking.

Swipe left for the next trending thread