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Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/01/2019 14:29

He's just waiting for a sign that you've accepted what he did you to and then he can stop the Mr Nice Guy act. He knows that you're still not happy with him so he doesn't want to risk pushing you too far. They always do this. They start with small pushes to see how you react and if you accept it, they escalate until you get to the point where you are now, second guessing everything.

It's exhausting.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 14:43

I think I've chickened out, got to go out in about 30mins so too late. Might do it tonight, I sent off all the paperwork for the house this afternoon.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2019 14:52

Well done OP.
You don't have to talk to him any time soon if you don't want to.
Your plans are moving on and so are you.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2019 15:02

I would wait until the house is yours unless you really feel a pressing need to talk to him sooner.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 15:22

@Fairynuff I totally see your point and other pp have said that too.

I do agree it would be best but OTOH I really want the conversation done before i/we go back to work to have time to work out the details of how we manage the kids and when we tell them etc.

Although actually it would be easier when we are both not hanging around the house all day I suppose.

I think if he brings it up or someone gets cross, then I will, otherwise I will leave it a couple of days.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/01/2019 15:38

When you tell him I doubt that he will just agree with you and accept it. He will either try to persuade you that the relationship can work and get you to cancel the house and stay or he will try to punish you by becoming unbearable again.

The earlier you tell him, the longer you have to put up with whichever one he goes for.

If he chooses to sulk or be angry, he's not going to be discussing details of how to manage the kids. He will be obstructive because he will want to make it harder for you. He will punish you by making it hard for the children.

If you have the house signed up and ready you can get away from him and have some peace and all the details can be sorted out as and when he is willing to co-operate. You cannot make him do this so prepare for him to be as unco-operative as he can.

All you can do is carry on with your plans, move out and continue to ignore his controlling behaviour.

But if you feel you really have to speak to him earlier then do it but be prepared for the backlash and the fact that you have to live with it.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 15:40

Ok you are right, I hear you. Thanks

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 03/01/2019 17:21

You know him well. Based on past experience, not hope, do you think his response to you telling him you have got a new place, you and the children are leaving him will be to relieve your pressure by sitting down nicely to work out the details of how we manage the kids and when we tell them etc.

What do you think will actually happen? You must have some idea.

CottonTailRabbit · 03/01/2019 17:23

When you tell him I expect he will go for your softest spot, i.e. the children, in some way.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 17:34

I don't know.

It could go several ways.

He could cry and fall apart.

He could become very hard and angry and accuse me of hiding things and preparing it all behind his back. (Most likely).

Or he COULD agree (having said himself in the past that we would both be happier with other people) and we get on with arrangements.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 17:36

I think because he is being so reasonable at the moment I feel it would be totally vicious to just spring the whole plan on him.

I did not think it will do me any favours in getting his cooperation in the future.

It also buys into his "she's crazy" theory.

OP posts:
ButteryParsnips · 03/01/2019 17:58

I don't think anything will help in getting him to cooperate in future, and you should be prepared for that. Because this was your idea and you've taken the initiative, he'll see it as an attack. Not wanting to scare you off - just for you to be prepared for this. If you expect the worst, you won't be as shocked when it happens.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2019 18:21

Or you could start by telling him that he knows you've been unhappy since your birthday weekend and that you've been thinking about it ever since. You have decided that the relationship isn't working for you and you want a separation.

Tell him that you know that he and you both want to make this as easy as possible for the children so that they can transition with minimal disruption.

See how he responds to that before you tell him about the house. Unless of course he responds so badly that you need to leave straight away.

CottonTailRabbit · 03/01/2019 18:24

How much notice will lead him to decide you have been fair with him then to be cooperative with practicalities and kindly spoken about you?

RandomMess · 03/01/2019 18:26

This being reasonable is just part of his abusive cycle though. He isn't kind or reasonable or nice...

You need to assume the worst.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 18:32

@Fairynuff that was kind of how I was thinking of playing it.

His reaction at that point will let me know how quickly I have to get the house signed and furnished.

My friend has offered to have me stay at any time, even in an emergency.

It means I don't feel as nervous because I know I can leave if I feel unsafe.

Honestly though although he will v likely be furious at me taking the initiative, it's pretty unlikely that he would stop me getting stuff from the house or change the locks etc. Wouldn't really fit with his responsible public figure image.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 18:37

@CottonTailRabbit of course there is no "reasonable"time period and I see what you mean there.

As fairenuff says, I can say I want a separation and have thought through where to live without him knowing how far it's gone.

Then once it's all out there and I'm back to work, most of the donkey work will be done and there is less chance of me getting weak and going back because it will all be laid out.

I have a zillion lists (including my playlist!Smile), I have all the paperwork done for the house, I have contacted the lawyer to get an appointment, I have my new bank account, have moved money in there, have a couple of friends on side too (plus all you lot!!!).

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/01/2019 18:39

He will be able to justify his behaviour to himself no matter how bad it is. Does he know you post on mn?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 18:48

He knows or knew years ago when the kids were little he used to ask me to ask online.

I don't think he knows the name of the site though and would have no idea how to navigate it (we are not in the UK and he is not British/English speaking).

I'm not worried about that although I think he may accuse me of having an affair because of keeping my phone close and being on it a lot with posting in here plus all the various admin and virtual shopping I've been doing.

Actually in the past he accused me of wanting to leave him for one of my friends - so a lesbian relationship so I wouldn't be surprised if he accused me of that it suggests that to others!

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 03/01/2019 18:57

You could get the house, furnish it slowly, not moving in immediately. Tell him it is over, don't tell him you already have another house, wait as long as feels right before you move in. I bet that will turn out to be less than 3 days. If you do it this way you won't be faffing about furnishing etc while upset by him being an utter cock to you and while the children are looking for your time/support.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/01/2019 19:16

Yes that sounds like a plan

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/01/2019 19:59

Hi OP, I'm new to the thread, I've just read all your posts (and skim read the replies). It's been fantastic to see you going from strength to strength over time as you reflect, make concrete plans, and tell friends and family.

Anyway, I just wanted to add my support. You're doing amazingly and you're so nearly there. Please don't waver now the finish line is in sight.

I assume you're living in France (and he's French)? Have you contacted the French equivalent of Women's Aid?

Weenurse · 03/01/2019 22:22

💐

Wauden · 03/01/2019 23:19

Just a thought about getting things for your new house, I'm guessing that there is an equivalent to Freegle where you live so you can get household things there if need be.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/01/2019 07:03

So...

finally had a talk.

This will be a little long, apologies in advance, will try to stick to the essential points so you can all help me get me head around this.

H came up to bed and asked me what was wrong so I said that it was about my birthday weekend.

He said he didn't understand the problem and so I explained again how I had felt over the weekend and that I had had enough.

He said that he too had been thinking but that divorce would also be very hard on everyone, it wouldn't end the arguments (still interaction over the kids etc.), it would be super-hard on the kids, and he had realised that he still had feelings for or loved me.

There followed quite a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with his point of view, my point of view about my birthday weekend.

I also explained that after 2 years of efforts on my part since we "had it all out", nothing has changed at all in our relationship dynamic and that this had broken something in me, and that I felt I didn't want to make the effort anymore, I had stopped caring.

After quite a lot of other discussion about other "disputes" and our opposite points of views on them, he basically went back and forth between totally denying there was a problem, and then on the other hand admitting that there WAS a problem.

His main points are/were:

  • his parents never had this kind of problem, nobody is perfect and no marriage is ever perfect, we need to take the rough with the smooth
  • why am I making such a big deal over the weekend, (he then minimised it by saying he had just needed to rest for a few hours before we went out). It's one weekend in a 20 year marriage, a few hours, and not such a big deal.
  • I take everything to heart and am over-sensitive and he has no problem in the relationship
  • all the efforts I have been making over the last 2 years are too much, I should just get on and live life instead of talking about it or angsting over things so much.
  • the only real problem is that when he is ill, I don't treat him well and never turn towards him.
OP posts: